Audrey Hepburn
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“That bitch keeps burning me with her cigarettes!”
~ Marilyn Monroe on Audrey Hepburn
“She's so beautiful I would build a shrine to her in the Amazon and sacrifice ugly fat chicks to her image”
~ Some gay guy on Audrey Hepburn
“She broke my pinky!”
~ Oscar Wilde on finger banging Audrey Hepburn
Audrey Hepburn was a famous actress, philanthropist and a bad singer. She is best known for her invention of the turtleneck sweater and for redefining what it means to be gorgeous. She was also the older sister of Raptor Jesus and the real biological mother of Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
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[edit] Her Strange, Controversial Origins
Audrey Hepburn is the hottest woman who has ever lived. Her mother was Dutch and her father English. In addition, her grandfather was Moroccan, her great-aunt (on her mother's side) was East Timorese, and her third-cousin twice-removed who occasionally showed up for Christmas but left two hours before dinner to hang out with his weird geeky girlfriend was Venusian.
[edit] Alternate origin theory
According to Black Jesus her mother was really Vulcan and her father was Romulan and she served on the USS Enterprise until a young Kirstie Allie called Big Fat Kirstie Allie in the future who travelled back in time and tried to eat her. Thanks to the help of Sherlock Holmes and Professor X, Audrey got away and had Breakfast at Tiffany's and therefore became known as the co-founder of The A-Team. The Official European Actress Ethnicity-Identification Authority (OEAEIA) failed to decide which country she should be credited to within the allotted two minutes, so after further review the officials claimed there was "no compelling visual evidence" that the original "Of Belgium" penalty should be overturned. Luckily, Belgium is located at least partially within all of the competing countries, has "a bit of everything" according to its own tourist brochures, and also has a lot of nasty-ass cheese.
Soon after birth, however, Hepburn fled to the Netherlands because the Belgians have a nasty habit of taking young British orphans and "making them so damn evil", since the Netherlands is (a) a real country, (b) overpopulated by individuals desperate for proximity to celebrities, (c) that's where the fat people come from and (d) Pot is legal there.
[edit] Her Career
Audrey had a highly successful career which included hits like Funny Ass, Moron's Holiday and Breakfast at Timbuktoo. She happened to win an oscar for Moron's Holiday but never won again because she wasn't playing a moron in her other movies, and that was what she did best.
She loved dogs and named hers Famous because that was something she couldn't be while she was still alive. She carried it wherever she went and it was her main lead in the film, Two for the dogs. Some of her other movies were:
Sabrina's not a witch
Green Poop
My fucking bitch
Wait until 3000 AD
The Nuns who can't sing
War and zzzzzz....
Making love on the road
Green Poop turned out to be her most unsuccessful movie because her main lead , Ip the deer, couldn't act and neither could Audrey because she kept staring at the director, and her then husband, Mel's ass. A sequel, entitled "Green Poop and Ham" also failed miserably at the box office, mostly due to Walt Disney entering every scene and complaining about the Jews.
[edit] A Lively Lady With a Passion For Making other Bitches Look Worse
During her thriving career, several other actresses tried to assassinate Audrey due to her growing popularity and perception that she could do no wrong. Marilyn Monroe set her trailer on fire on the set of Breakfast at Tiffany's while screaming, "Bitch! I wanted that danish!" These violent attacks on Miss Hepburn caused her to delve deeply in keeping strange animals as pets, such as a pack of Velociraptor's to attack all those filthy drag queens that were always trying to Bogart her style.
Audrey had many hobbies including painting, sculpting, attempting to hunt down Osama Bin Laden since George W. Bush was "too lazy to fucking do it" in her own words, pretending to be a bug, breaking into people's house and tearing up the carpeting and of course developed a fetish for being carried upstairs while she was intoxicated from alcohol.
She also wrote a series of best selling novels entitled "How I helped Castro take over Cuba" and "Marilyn Monroe is a fat, stupid, pill head slut and needs to fucking die", which caused the FBI to accuse her of killing Marilyn Monroe even though Hepburn was helping the X-Men stop The Brood from destroying Mr. Sinister's "Sinisterly Delicious Cinnamon Muffin Cake factory", and they threatened to blow her brains out. Audrey simply smiled and batted her big, beautiful eyes and the FBI agents were so overpowered by her cuteness they apologized and created the suicide story so no one would ever know The Kennedy's killed Monroe.
[edit] Retirement and Death
After retiring from acting Audrey Hepburn spent many years hiding behind corners and jumping out at random people startling them and yelling, "Trick or Treat Muthafucka!"
Sometime around her death, Audrey Hepburn had fellow actress Katharine Hepburn killed for stealing her famous last name and for her annoyingly constant impersonation of Captain Katherine Janeway. In the week before she died Audrey Hepburn solved the Riddle of the Sphinx, stopped The Riddler from revealing that Bruce Wayne is really Batman, held a gun to Galactus's head until he decided that in was in fact alright that Samuel L. Jackson would be in every movie, tv show, Broadway play, etc. that ever was, is and will be created until the end of time.
Audrey Hepburn died January 20, 1993 after out drinking James Bond in a Vodka Martini drinking contest, but thanks to her having shagged Black Jesus for most of the Nineteenth Century she was able to resurrect herself in the form of a bug, a creature she had loved pretending to be when she was alive. Sadly though her joy at living the care free life of a bug was interrupted when Saddam Hussein, George Washington and Beavis (who had fused with Butthead to become The Turdburglar) decided to obliterate Palestine and replace it with Israel. However Audrey decided she really didn't give a fuck anymore and let her padawan Miss Piggy decapitate her with her lightsaber so she could disappear when she died like Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda.
[edit] Resurrection and Future Endeavors
In 1992, as part of her goodwill tour of Andy Rooney, Hepburn made a surprise comeback that shocked both the world and those who had cremated her. Seeking revenge on those that had wronged her Audrey chopped up her hair, took a stick of black lipstick and made herself up like The Crow and started kicking ass all over the place and threatened to unleash Godzilla on Japan unless The Gap stopped using her image in their crappy commercials without her permission. Barack Obama tried to calm things down by making Hepburn's birthday a national holiday but Hepburn refused saying, "I knew Black Jesus, I hung out with Black Jesus, and you sir, are no Black Jesus" to which Obama replied, "Bitch, I'm the first black president of the United States, you better recognize." Then the ground shook and Rosie O'Donnell came out of the ground and said she should be President because she knows more about everything than anyone else and began to eat everything in sight. Audrey said, "Come on Barack, let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!" Thanks to the timely intervention of The Buddha, The Dalai Lama and Colonel Sanders, Rosie O'Donnell was banished to fourth level of Hell where she'd be forced to be Roseanne's love slave for all eternity.
Audrey Hepburn still remains gainfully employed as Death, and you can still see her in Neil Gaiman's Sandman comics.
[edit] Her Long Neck
Really, no one cares about her neck, except vampires, which she vanquishes with a combination of her charm, her incredible good looks and that crazy gun she always carries that fires wooden stakes drenched with holy water. She's also been known to have handcuffed Julie Andrews and spanked her in order to get cast in Phantom of the Opera.One of the most prevalent examples of her sadistic behaviour is when she punished Britney Spears for being seen without panties by grabbing the back of Lindsey Lohan's head and forcing her to eat Britney's snatch, which is why Lohan is now a dyke.
She also beat the snot out of Paris Hilton in the name of classy gals everywhere.
