Australian Football League

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A game of AFL in progress. Take note, there are more people than teeth in the crowd.

Australian Rules Football, is a primitive religion practiced by an Australian variety of Redneck, the common Bogan. It is a game enjoyed by a handful of Victorians, who want a game bogans can enjoy. AFL refers to a number of things, including the game of Australian Rules Football, Australian Football League and Australia's feral league based in Adelaide. Even though it bears some resemblance to the ball use in the NFL, perhaps we are all stupid. I hate America. Fat asses. Damn straight. The main idol of this very strange religion is a golden cup. Go figure.

A Brief History of AFL[edit]

AFL History[edit]

In 1857, Tom Wills, one of the founders of Australian Football, returned to Australia after being expelled from boarding school in England for keeping a raccoon in his robes.

The new game was devised by Wills, his cousin H.C.A. Harrison, W.J. Hammersley and J.B. Thompson. The Melbourne Football Club was formed on August 7, 1858 – the year of the code’s first recorded match between Scotch College and Melbourne Grammar School which was abandoned after three afternoons of play.

The game quickly blossomed. The Geelong Football Club was formed in 1859 and in 1866 an updated set of rules was put in place and competition started.

The Victorian Football League was established in 1896 and the following year the League’s first games were played among the foundation clubs – Carlton(the wogs club), Collingwood Fagpies (the Eddie McGuire fan club), Essendon, Fitzroy, Geelong, Melbourne, St Kilda and South Melbourne.

In 1908, Richmond and University joined the competition. But after the 1914 season, University left the League. In 1925, Footscray (now the Western Bulldogs), Hawthorn and North Melbourne (renamed Kangaroos and then changed to North Melbourne) joined the VFL.

This line-up of 12 clubs would remain unchanged until 1987 when the competition expanded to include the West Coke Eagles and the Brisbane Bears. BY 1997, the competition comprised 16 clubs after Adelaide (in 1991), Fremantle (in 1995), and Port Adelaide (in 1997) joined the now Australian Football League and foundation club Fitzroy merged with the Brisbane Bears to form the Brisbane Lions (after the 1996 season).

Since then Collingwood has be known to have between infected with the Eddie McGuire virus.

10 Footy Commandments[edit]

  • Thou shall piss on the street
  • Thou shall be illiterate
  • Thou shall knock up teenagers
  • Thou shall not let Fremantle win
  • Thou shall always let Collingwood win
  • Thou shall act like retards
  • Thou shall take drugs
  • Thou shall not play 4 quarters
  • Thou shall take shits on hotel room floors in the middle of the night
  • Thou shall rape

Rules[edit]

AFL is roughly androgynous to a professional version of the truly moronic, simplistic and barbaric school yard game 'kill the dill with the pill' where the person who has the ball (the dill) is tackled by those who don't, before having to ingest large doses of E. Players are only allowed to tackle above the knee, but below the foot, and not from behind. Tackling from behind was previously allowed but had to be scrapped to prevent the a tackle descending into an all-out orgy, which was happening all too often back in the 80s.

It has nonsensical advantages over other ball sports that have helped to make it the game that Aussies love and churlish:

  • It's uniform code enhances gameplay dramatically. While it was assumed that the shorter and tighter shorts worn by players these days in the game were for the single purpose of preventing the opposition from grabbing them better, the truth is the more revealing shorts were brought in to make it easier for them to grab opposing players by not just the shorts but by the junk beneath them. It was a bid to make the game of AFL more exciting, but unfortunately it only worked for the actual players.
  • The scoring system works like this: Through the two big posts is 6 points and called a "goal" and through one big post and one little post or hitting a big post is 1 point and called a "behind (not no that type of behind)". Behinds are regarded as missing. Yes, that's right, you get rewarded for missing. Have you ever come across anything so stupid? Really, can you name a sport which rewards a player for being a bad shot? Kitten huffing? No, I didn't think so.
  • Football is now a form of netball as all contact has been outlawed by the rules committee looking for a quick buck.
  • Anyone from Victoria is heavily favored by the Tribunal, umpires and the AFL (Which is based in Victoria). Professional umpires also screw over non-Victorian teams. The reason for this? They're all related (having migrated from Tasmania during the early 60s). There's a major problem with inbreeding amongst Victorian AFL players, with most of them being first cousins (or Ben Cousins), which the AFL administration refuses to acknowledge. Mainly because they don't want to hurt their own flesh and blood. They were all spawned from a single seed from Queen Victoria, who helped to create the game. Prior to each game, the players all huddle around each other while the coach leads a prayer to her, affectionately known as “Mama Spanky”.
  • Kicking and punching with both closed and open fists are acceptable and encouraged. In fact, fisting is easily the most recognized element of AFL. Of the ball, that is. But you can't throw it. It's perfectly okay to punch other players as well though, with players regularly being knocked unconscious from flying forearms or elbows. It's criminal and takes the game right back to its truly moronic, simplistic and barbaric roots.
  • If a player manages to catch a ball that has been kicked, they are henceforth known as Mark and awarded a free kick. The game pauses and nobody is allowed to touch themselves or “Mark”, but can touch any other player in any manner they wish. The nearest opposition player has to stand where the ball was caught, directly in line with where it will now be kicked. If they fail to do so they get bent over the kicker’s knee and get spanked like the little bitch that they are.
  • A game will finish when all players are renamed Mark and there’s no one left to touch. Often games will go on for 8 hours or more due to players intentionally dropping the ball so they can continue to be touched by other players.
  • While it's not against the rules, it is not recommended to header an AFL ball. But that's just bloody stupid. Who the hell would use their head to hit a ball? Even if it's round, as in that other stupid football code, that's just ridiculous, it gives you drain damage.
  • The rules of AFL are biased against Adelaide teams, which has been proven since they concede 12 times more fries, from McDonalds.
  • According to scientists, if you play for Collingwood, your chances of getting off at the Tribunal if you get reported increase by 47,000.319%. Unless your name is *insert AFL player here*... smooth.
  • Pushing around someone with your shoulders before the siren begins is a common method of expressing your fondness for kittens to the opposition.
  • There are generally 36 players running around in short shorts while "straight" men watch and eye boggle them.
  • Players are required to say 'Hoi!' to their opponents before the start of the game so as to display politeness even politeness is hardly found in Australia. Each player must wear a specific type of top which makes him looks like a country boy and a construction worker.

Supporters of AFL[edit]

Sponsors are keen to associate themselves with high profile players.

Most games draw large crowds from far and wide. You are likely to see many kinds of spectators at any particular match:

  • Drunk Aussie bloke, wearing thongs and shorts and man bra's with pom poms attached to them.
  • Meat pies without meat (an Australian tradition, mate), but covered in plenty of sauce
  • Women who have no idea what's going on and are only there to check the 'cute' players and supporters.
  • Beer
  • Carlton fans are generally wogs that come in huge families. Avoid them at all costs.
  • Collingwood fans are bogans whilst Weagles hang around with crims, often snorting.
  • Drink as much alcohol as insanely possibly, without passing out.
  • Crows fans often leave at half time while the rest stay and drink until they're getting punched out by Collingwood fans.

Clearly, any person who reads the above list will note that a) meat pies (with or without meat and/or sauce) can not be a spectator of any sport; and b) beer is in the same boat as the pies. c) the list does not actually detail any supporters. Noting these points will bring one more point to light:

  • AFL consistently has high fan numbers at their matches because AFL fans are so idiotic that they’re bringing their own meat pies and beer to the games, and what’s more, they’re buying seats for them to sit and watch the game.

Although all three groups are equal in ability, only the fuckin' Male (not listed) will inform everyone around him, as loudly and as often as possible, when the Umpire makes a mistake, the bloody wanker. Wine is never seen at AFL matches, with the exception of wine that comes from a silver foil bag.

Teams in AFL[edit]

There are 17 teams within the constraints of the AFL system, each having 'hilarious' names such as the Far Western Bulldogs and/or the Collingwood Eddie McGagpies. The latter side being not so much a team but more of a weird, secretive cult. The members of the cult think they are shitting all over the Bulldogs in the current season of 1936/67, even though the Dogs beat them in round 4.23 by 473 points. This logic is a fine example of the intelligence of an AFL fan.

Teams include:

  • Fadelaide Cows
  • Brisbane Loins
  • Rapetank Poos
  • Lollingwood Fagpies
  • Essendscum Bombers
  • Fremantlol Frockers
  • Peelong Fats
  • Whorethorn Dawks
  • Smellbourne Lemons
  • North Smellbourne Kangawhos
  • Port Lemonade Flower
  • Bitchmond Diapers
  • Ain't Kilda Aint's
  • Diddly Scones
  • West Coke Budgies
  • Western Bulldog (they are the best deal with it)
  • Gold Coast Suns (nobody hates them, or feels like making fun of them yet ...)
  • Lesser Eastern Sydney

In the early 20th century, the league featured a side known as University. They lasted 5 days, before being kicked (and occasionally punched) out for showing signs of intellect. Aptly, they played in blue and black.

The AFL Ladder[edit]

"Australian Rules Football", "Australian Football League" and the Dynamic Ribbon Device are registered trademarks of the Sydney Snob Ball Federation, Federation Square, Sydney. Muhahahahahaha!!

At the conclusion of Round 72, the top 3.14 teams will continue their mindlessness by participating in a 52-week "final series" and a place on "The Biggest Loser". The winner of this additional series receives the premiership trophy, curiously termed by the Mexicans as a "Flag" (although most Victorians will be aware this is because a team is presented with a flag as well as a trophy, most of the redneck northerners are too stupid to get this, despite the obvious absurdity of getting a flag when you win something, especially as you win a trophy anyway). Meanwhile, the bottom 12.86 get some nice early draft picks to nurture, develop and fondle, or trade away to other clubs for pension-age recruits, as Fremantle does every year.

In 2005, Sydney won the premiership (oops, "Flag"), sparking wild celebrations on the streets lasting until 9:35.21pm that evening, when Wests Tigers defeated St George Illawarra in the Rugby League semi final.

Criteria of Excellence (AKA 'I love Country Boys')[edit]

To be a good Australian Football player, you must be an Australian with strong ugly accent. Here is an accent test. Pronounce the word "TIGER". If you pronounce it as "toi-ga" then you are probably good at Australian Football.

Also, you have to be a country boy. Most of the Australian Football players are country boys. Most of them are from some unknown villages such as Shepparton, Mildura, Ballarat in which you know how many traffic lights are erected due to its low degree of prosperity. Furthermore, most of the country boys haven't ever been overseas or haven't ever gone to any city with 5 million people.

A typically good Australian football player must be rude and cruel since this game is not for gentlemen. [1]

Slang of Australian Football[edit]

  • Baboons: A sacred address only given to the greatest players.
  • Sex points: It is actually "six points".
  • Irwin: A name given to the players whom are chased by their opponents with stings in the field. Haha get it, coz this bloke got killed by a sting-ray, hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Vegimite: A short form for "Vagina, mate!" which is used to asked the Australian sluts for sex in the stadium.
  • Maggots: Those bloody knobs who run around the field without their glasses pretending they have a clue.
  • Mate: The mating call of the average footballer.
  • Fag: A Sydney Swans player

Trivia[edit]

DramaticQuestionMark.png
Did you know…
"Austrian Football" is mainly for people of the homosexual persuasion.

The most notable place for playing this sport is Jihad Stadium (formerly Colonial Stadium and Telstra Dome) in Melbourne. It is close to Southern Cross Station [2]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Think about the history of the Australian, they ALL are convicts.
  2. Formerly Spencer Street Station, they changed it as there is an obsessive Richomond Meercats fan named Spencer who once urinated on a train after drinking too much after they won (or maybe it was just Richmond captain, Kane Johnston), and they want to have a more British name such as Kings Cross, Charing Cross, New Cross, Brent Cross...

See also[edit]