Australians
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Australians or pommy-rejects live only to serve their british and american masters. You can spot an australian as being an individual with no personality and displaying british ass kissing syndrome. Australia is a country that is filled with both; shit people who cant live in proper countries and shit people who come from shit countries. Thus, Australia is widely recognized as the land of first class racism loving bozos who throw shit at guys from other countries but laugh when they shit their diapers.
Australians, also known as "Aussies" or in Britain "Fucking Convicts", are notorious for their serious speech impediments, and mental retardation.This can be explained. The first white Australians were all stupid people who committed crimes in Britain and they were unwanted so the Brits dumped 'em over here. Since Australians are descendants of these idiots, they are also stupid. Other characteristics of an Australian include: -Impaired ability to drive without endangering others lives -Being racist and sexist -Using the words "g'day", "crikey", etc. -Being eternally stoned, from the ripe old age of 7. THE LIST GOES ON...
Same Well Known Aussie Names Are Shelia,Chazza,Kieren,Jake and any names with the vowel o added on the end for example steveo
Australia consists largely of people who come from a country other than Australia. The long and the short of it is that Australians love beer, money, beer, cricket, beer, football, beer, rugby, beer and anything they can fuck (including beer). Things they can't fuck are great too, since deep down Australians really love a challenge DOWN THERE.
There are a few different types of Australians:
| Current Demographics | |||
| 45.3% | 85.30% | ||
| 0.02% | 30.842% | ||
| 0.832% | "many, many, many thank-a-yous"-"Japanese Tourist" | ||
| 0.1% | |||
| 0.???% | |||
| eleventy hundred% | |||
| 0.0000001% | ||
| Total: 42% | |||
[edit] Yuppies
The stupidest of all, Brisvegas and Sydney yuppies demonstrate just how low human intelligence can go. They greet others with "ciao", and end a conversation with "arrivederci", despite their lack of Italian vocabulary and lack of roots in Italy. They think prawn chips are Chinese, and that their favourite restaurant cooks excellent Malaysian cuisine, despite the chef there having worked a lifetime as an IT technician in his homeland of Hong Kong.
It is not dangerous at all to deal with a Brisvegas / Sydney Yuppie, except when they are riding a scooter. However; never, ever set foot in his / her house because your head will explode like JFK's due to the eye-melting Dulux paint color scheme, complete with garish 'feature walls' within. Further disasters will follow as your child impales themselves on a weird-looking lava lamp-cum-'marital aid' which the Yuppie bought from a 'retro' furniture store, or made themselves after watching an episode of "Better Homes & Gardens" on Australia's state-run television network. A yuppie's house is where the entire Universe collapses - don't walk in !
[edit] Bogans
Bogan (pronounced BOE-gn) is someone who drives an old 'Commodore', 'Cortina', or 'Daddo 180-B' (all types of motorized water closet), lives in a government housing estate, and likes to harrass other citizens with colorful language and/or by decorating their front garden with miscellaneous motor vehicle components.
Bogans are stereotypically considered to be old children (from approximately 15 to 30 years of age). Bogans mature to become Yobboes. Low to midrange literacy and intelligence, (80-100 IQ) and above average physical strength are also prominent elements. The bogan accent is highly distinguishable, being a high-pitched variant of Australian strine similar to "ocker", and the vernacular relies heavily upon truncated words and profanity. Bogans will typically use the phrase "yous" to refer to two or more people, and will modify people's names by adding "azza" (ie Barry = Bazza, Sharon = Shazza). Also Dave can be made longer By adding - O. This tradition has been stolen by the yanks to add to the end of drag addled losers like for example only (Steve).
Although bogans are inherently ugly in appearance, some wealthier bogans are actually obsessively vain. Celebrity bogan men will often appear in hair loss commercials. Some bogan men wear beanies or caps to hide their receding hairlines, or simply shave their heads. Those with a full head of hair will often sport a mullet hairstyle, or use highlights. Many bogans also use fake tan products, visit solariums, or sunbake for extended periods. It is not uncommon for a bogan to spend hours at the gym building up their biceps, whilst continuing to be proud of their beer belly, and rarely practicing sit-ups or ab-crunches. Some bogans will even try to expose themselves publicly to stroke their egos. Bogan men are also obsessive womanisers, and will often two-time or even flirt openly with other women in front of their girlfriends without any sense of guilt.
Despite the Great Australian War of Independence, Bogans still share many of the same characteristics with their British antecedents, ethnic Chavs. They are also profoundly resiliant creatures, having survived both the Initial Bogan Remedy / Hug (now referred to as the Inhumanely Violent and misnamed Bogan Killing Spree) and Semi-Great Bogan / Ugg-Boot Purge of 1989. Bogans can be found in several Bogan Strongholds around Australia, including Pakenham, Cooper Pedy, Moe, Frankston Alice Springs, Broken Hill, Campbelltown and the Gold Coast.
Currently, the government program which some are describing as 'Ethnic-Cleansing' is diminishing their numbers greatly. The majority of academics nonetheless hail this as a victory for evolution.
[edit] Outback Raiders
Founded by Nightrider, and then succeeded by the following; Toecutter, Lord Humungus, and Aunty Entity. Outback Raiders are an inland tribe who drive really fast modified 1970's muscle-cars and dune buggies, to catch up to stray fuel tankers in order to run them off the road and steal the precious juice within. Their mortal enemy is the mythical "Mad" Max Rockatansky, who is said to engage in spectacular vehicular combat across the desert sands in a effort to purge the land of these vermin.
Unlike other parts of Aussa-lania where fuel is readily available and relatively cheap, the "juice" is relatively non-existent in these wastelands, so motorized gangs seek gasoline wherever they can, while wearing mean looking hockey masks and assless cowboy-chaps without any sort of homo-erotic subtext. That being said, on rare occasions Outback Raiders may resort to mild S&M activity, because women are just as rare as fuel in the outback.
[edit] Yobboes
As previously mentioned, once they eventually mature, Bogans grow up to be Yobboes. The reason for such a high amount of Australia's population being yobboes is that all Australians are desecendants of the outlaw wizards of Azkaban. Yobboes are easily recognized by their immense backwardness, and their unquestioned love of footy, cricket, and tabloid "news" programs broadcast on the government-run television station. These programs have titles such as A Current Affair and Today Tonight, and are compulsory viewing for all Australians over the age of 10, in much the same way the telescreens could never be turned off in George Orwell's '1984'.
The Yobboe's murmurs and complaints can be heard even light years away from Earth, as the Commonwealth Government makes her 'voluntary' donation towards maintaining the historical Australian-American alliance. Whenever a Yobboe gets a cold, or and STD, and so on, they will simply point their finger at a nearby Asian or Muslim, because they perceive these to be the cause of all of the country's problems.
Occasionally Yobboes will respond to their distinctive mating call (the sound of a mobile phone receiving an SMS), by congregating at a nearby beach. The Yobboe will then perform an elaborate mating ritual, waving the official flag of Australia in local pubs and streets. The use of smoke grenades and flashbangs is optional, but some Yobboe younglings prefer to stock components of Molotov Cocktail, which will be used to aid their mating ritual. In all cases, the Yobboe mating ritual reaches its climax when either an ethnic is spotted in the vicinity, or the cops come along and spoil the party.
[edit] Yob Religion
The yob religion, usually shortened to Ya'bingin', is primarily an unconscious form of worship. It has as its focus a semi-mythical being, the Great Australian Old One, Yob Pissoff. Yob Pissoff is believed to have formed Himself from a great, bubbling pool of fermenting fluid and then created Australia from those same foaming depths whilst in the throes of a drunken orgy with the Australian goddess, Sheila.
Yobboes celebrate this miraculous event through consumption of beer, which initiates (called "Piss-Heads") believe to be the gift of Yob Pissoff and the primal fluid from whence their deity came. They're not entirely sure from where Sheila came, but give thanks for Her existence too. They aspire to become like Yob Pissoff through beer consumption, and then to consummate this change with sheilas of their own. Though there have been no reports of Piss-Heads achieving this exalted state; Ya'bingin' ceremonies frequently result in the lesser state of unconsciousness (as distinct from the lesser state of Tasmania), considered essential to the development of a mental state approaching that of their deity's.
Piss-Heads faced with opposition to the practice of their sacred rites invariably respond by invoking the name of their god, "Pissoff!"
[edit] Kangaroos
Many outside observers find it puzzling that kangaroos should be included in official population figures. The reason for this odd inclusion is as follows. Kangaroos have long been among the intellectual elite of the nation, and has enslaved much of the rest, raping those who resist.
For great periods in the nation's history, the country's dry, inhospitable interior was peopled largely by butch, sweaty, manly types, three woman in Alice Springs named Shazza, and lots of kangaroos. Now perhaps you've heard how sailors, after being out to sea for so long they've forgotten what a woman looks like, mistake dugongs, dolphins, and other such creatures for mermaids ? Similar story.
You see, to many Australian eyes after failing to see anything both female and human in a number of years, and finding themselves covered with beer goggles only achievable through Australian drinking habits, well, it's not that kangaroos started to resemble comely wenches - it's just that they started to look like a really good root. You think Tie me Kangaroo Down Sport is just a quaint little Rolf Harris song? No sir - it's a tawdry journey through the dark, bestiality-infested underbelly of Australian outback society.
At any rate, Australians are on the whole a fairly egalitarian bunch. So in answer to the 'Kangaroo Question', it was decided in 1962 that if they were going to ask them to fight in two World Wars, make up approx. 30% of the workforce and routinely sodomise them, the least they could do in return was to give the poor bastards the vote.
Hence, kangaroos officially make up 8% of the population and using modern technology, Australians are now able to breed with them succesfully, creating a new species, called the "Ausaroo".
[edit] Japanese Tourists
Everyone with a brain knows the difference between locals and tourists, so why are Japanese Tourists considered Australian? Well, a long time ago in a galaxy not so far away, the Australian Bureau of Statistics (a popular Canberra nightclub for gay men and accountants) refused to recognise Jedi as an established religion on the grounds that the Jedi knights were unable to show proof of their faith i.e. an activated lightsaber. (Unfortunately, a Jedi is not supposed to use his/her weapon except when under attack, and since those at the Bureau were so geeky there was simply no reason for the Jedi knights to flaunt a glowing blade.) In retaliation, Samuel L. Jackson and the rest of the Jedi Council decided to play a mind trick on the Bureau, causing them to register a Japanese tourist as an Australian citizen whenever the latter hugs a Koala.
[edit] Famous Australians
| Table of | |||
| Australians | Famous for | ||
| Gemma Stroud-Angell | For Being The person who Every one looks up to, kind of like a GOD!!(See Britney Spears). | ||
| David Boon | Continuously scratching his balls, former Pope of Ya'bingin'. | ||
| Peter Brock | Dying. Dead | ||
| The Chaser | - | Crocodile Dundee | Throwing shrimps on the barbie. See Steve Irwin for more info on what an untypical retard he is. |
| Russell Crowe | South Sydney Rabbitohs and hoiking a phone at some guy. | ||
| Mel Gibson | Running about in a pair of Y Fronts in Ireland while pretending he is Scottish, of course as everyone knows he loves Jews and is stone cold sober all the time, especially while being polite and co-operative with Police Officers. But have him stay away from one fellow "Aussie" who IS a Jew, Rupert Murdoch. | ||
| Pauline Hanson | Being a flagpole, and a mean-spirited blood-nut. Also well known for her brief tenure as the first Queen Yobbo. | ||
| Rolf Harris | Shaking a piece of cardboard or something... | ||
| John Howard | Being the first Australian Dark Lord of the Sith. Legend. | ||
| Steve Irwin | Overuse of the word "Crikey". Legend.|- | Kano | One of the original cast members of the hit movie, Mortal Kombat. Easily recognizable by his thick goatee, thick accent, and the metal plate on the right side of his face (making him look like the Terminator). He loves chicken legs, beer, not wearing a shirt, and getting breaks (head-scissors) from beautiful women. |
| Michelle Leslie | Being an ex-con...what a true aussie! | ||
| Kylie Minogue | Sex on legs, and also funnily enough a favorite on the Internet amongst foot-fetish perverts. Ugly retard, skank, slut etc. | ||
| Anthony Mundine | Longest naked walk - AAPT Vibrating headband! | ||
| Bert Newton | Being a logie whore, and the man in the moon. possible kiddy fiddler. bad hair piece!! | ||
| Kerry Packer | God of the underworld. | ||
| Adam Phillips | Getting infected with the bubonic plague and having three heads. | ||
| The Veronicas | Setting a recored for putting the most people in depression with their droning music. Also for buying out every makeup store in Sydney central of eye make up for one concert, being little hoe lezbos. | ||
| Shane Warne | Tying with Paris Hilton for the Guinness world record - Most girls slept with in the one night. | ||
| The Wiggles | Australia's BIG export to threaten our precious children's minds on American TV. "Blame Australia! Blame Australia! It's not even a real country anyway." | ||
| Jesse Harrison | Blink 182s flatulence provider | ||
[edit] Statistical Anomalies
???% of the population. It's fairly possible by now that an Australian may have read through these demographics and thought to themselves - Hey, Im not represented ! We all know that this is due to the common political speak- the silent majority. This seemingly huge proportion of the Australian population (somewhere between 40-70%) has never been properly studied. To illustrate the general size of the total Australian population, there are more Ford F-Series pickup trucks in the world than there are Australians. Many statisticians comment on what the silent majority is, but nobody has yet positively identified them in their culture, beliefs and interaction with other Australians. Jimmy Barnes (a big Scotch drinking entertainer, and sometime karaoke singer) has talked about the working class man and Sheila groups, but apart from token gestures these are often ignored, abused, and generally berated by the above minorities who seem to think they own the country.
Statistical Anomalies come from many backgrounds and nationalities, and always pose a problem to governments in how they react to certain situations. They seem to be extremely intelligent (though deliberately act dumb), hard working, humorous, friendly and humble, although they have vices like everybody else. If it wasn't for them their country would be a third world nation; not unlike the United States of America. Every silent member of this majority seems to keep a list of jokes to handy for when disaster strikes, otherwise there is always more beer and cigarettes to sort things out.
[edit] Kim Beazley
Former Grand High Poobah Kim Beazley a.k.a. Fatty Fatty Fat Fat a.k.a. Double (Chin) a.k.a. Who (?) is an incredibly fat man. He is often mistaken for Mikey Robbins, Jabba The Hutt, or an American tourist.
[edit] Australian Women
Contrary to popular opionion, intelligent, attractive, well-mannered Australian women do exist, and can be found in their natural habitat (i.e. London, Los Angeles, Sydney and Singapore)
[edit] Australianwannabeism
Australianwannabeism is a rare religion that only seems to affect men from America.
It is easy to spot a person with Australianwannabeism because it is more of a disease than a religion. Some of the symptoms are:
- Wearing thongs (not flip-flops, get it right !)
- Getting very drunk
- Saying things like: cheers mate, bloody hell, strewth and so on
- Growing abnormal looking beards and being mistaken for Jesus
- Wearing Flannos and shorts
- Adding 'zza' to peoples names for example garry would become gazza !
One person who I can recall with Australianwannabeism is Jon "Jesus" Walker. People with Australianwannabeism should be rushed to the nearest hot dog stand and fed until they are dangerously overweight.
[edit] How to have a good time at a concert
Australians are known by famous people all over the world for their amazing throwing ability. Concert going Aussies will throw anything that isn't nailed down such as plastic bottles, glow sticks, glass bottles, beer, crowd barriers, shoes, bras, underpants, pants, shirts, jackets and the most popular object to throw - people. Occasionally the odd idiot will throw back the drum sticks that the drummer threw into the mosh pit in the first place.
Aussie concert goers (aka moshers) best things to do:
- Pissing off that dude from Fall Out Boy, Pete Wentz.
- Making Amy Lee (singer of Evanescence) a moving target.
- Hitting Patrick Stump, the singer of Fall Out Boy with a plastic bottle without him dying or crying.
- Converting Jon Walker (the ..."Good"... bass player of Panic! At The Disco) into the religion, Australianwannabeism.
- Getting hit in the head with picks then saying "What the bloody hell?".
- Running onto stage and kicking chris brown in the balls, which resulted in him falling backwards onto an amplifier, and giving him an electric shock powerful enough to make him in sterile.
- Stealing microphones and screaming "Get tha fuck outta hear ya fuckin new zealanders!"
- Running on stage, stealing Mark Hoppus' bass guitar, smashing it in the ground, and then quickly leaving the premesis while laughing uncontrolably
[edit] External links
