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Azkaban Prison: The galaxy's finest erotic establishment

"I have never ate such a lovely pie"

~ Oscar Wilde on Azkaban's legendary café

Azkaban is a galaxy-renowned prison and little known strip joint.


Azkaban was originally opened in 2AD by Lobster Jesus as a small time Internet cafe, that gave jobs to the seldom employed dementors. After this did not prove to be profitable, it fell into administration, where it was reformed into a mini-mart. This proved highly successful, as the people of the nearby village of London (then known as Village O'Trampa) had no-where local to buy spiders and other related necessities.

After thousands of years as London's premier local store, this new venture was floated on the Jerusalem Stock Exchange in 1511. It was soon a victim of a hostile takeover bid by a young Richard Branson, who had big plans for the firm. Branson planned to tap in to the little-covered market of stripping, which he knew would bring in millions of pennies to his bank account. However, at the time, stripping was illegal, so to cover this up, Branson decided to make Azkaban a prison with the strip club on the side. This allowed him to make use of some little-known loopholes in English law.

Azkaban before the extensive extension plans


Richard Branson employed Oompa Loompas to build onto the small existing store to give it the capacity to house all the k'jillions of bad people running about the show. It is rumoured that Willy Wonka was ragin' at Branson's blatant theft of some of his most productive employees, and challenged him to a duel onboard the Death Star. Branson turned this down, his excuse being that he had to wash his hair. In order to prise the Oompa Loompas away from the Chocolate Factory, Branson offered them Red Bull instead of cocoa beans.

Famous Prisoners / Strippers[edit]

Over the years, Azkaban has been home to many famous inhabitants. The most famous of these was Sirius Black, a bad man who did bad things to Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry (although later cleared of all charges and released). Sirius was an accomplished stripper during his time at Azkaban, and was famous all over Norway. He also narrowly escaped making out with a dementor Other notable "prisoners" include Roald Dahl, Kate Moss, Hitler, Bill Gates, David Hasselhoff, Voltaire, George Bush & his gay partner Osama Bin Laden, Pyramid Head, and Joe the Assraper of WoW.

Sirius Black, one of Azkaban's most famous strippers

Little Known Facts About Azkaban[edit]

- Azkaban has made Richard Branson more money than Virgin Atlantic
- Elli Wallace was stay in Azkaban for 1 year
- Chuck Norris was born in Azkaban
- Emperor Palpatine was a regular at Azkaban
- The most common crime committed by Azkaban prisoners is bike theft
- Meg Ryan was once falsely imprisoned at Azkaban
- Azkaban was the setting for famous Hollywood blockbusters such as Monsters Inc and Waterworld
- More ass rape has been committed at Azkaban in one month than in 5 years at an American prison with the exception of Texas prisons.
- Sometimes mistook as Asscabin, the gay bar.
-Whoever wrote this article is a complete and utter idiot