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"The original BFG design lagged the crap out of the game, plus it looked like fuckin' christmas"

Id on the original "plasma hose" BFG-9000

"Ludacris Gibs!"

R.O.T. on the drunk missile

"Hehhehheh, what a mess"

Duke Nukem on the Devastator's room clearing fire power

"Suck it n00bz!"

Silencedninja54 on his 5p@rt4n L4z0r double kill

"When you absolutley, positively have to kill every last mother fucker in the room, accept no substitutes"

Samuel L. Jackson

Well here's the problem, you need to install a BFG.

Some plumber on why my water heater wasn't working.

BFGs (Big Fucking Guns) are a special class of weaPWNs most commonly found in first and third person shooters. They are distiguished by desirable traits like incredible fire power, homing abilities, huge blast radiuses,pancake presses, music converting capabilities, and the like. The average BFG can turn a class 2 n00b into and unstoppbale ass pwning force of match domination, sometimes to the point that the other players accuse them of being a h4x0r and boot their weapon-whoring asses off the server.

[edit] Origin of the BFG

"ZOMG, w3 g3771n pwnt, w3 n33dz m0r3 ]=1r3p0w3r"

-Anonymous colonial soldier on their need of a BFG.

The first true BFG, the BFG-9000 (duh), was created by Benjamin Franklin in 1774 to help win the war against the British. Noting the innacuracy and piss poor fire rate of muzzle loading muskets, General Washington issued a decree to Franklin, stating that "these gats is a bunch o' hos, get off yo' ass and cook us up a piece dat don't suck!". Franklin complied by filling his office trash compactor with aproximately 9000 shattered christmas lights and running octuple the recommended wattage through them. The filaments were super heated into plasma and flung out the buisness end of the weapon via electric spoon. The end result was a room clearing wall of super-rapid fire plasma balls and flaming scraps of garbage that allowed a lone colonial marine to single handedly win the Battle of Yorktown. However, the marine saw that the weapon was too powerful to be possesed by any one nation (were not sure how he thought that 2 nations could have 1 gun) and fled with it into the woods, were he buried it deep underground.

Obviously the chowderhead didn't bury it deep enough as, it was discovered by Id while excavating the area for the construction of their new headquarters. Being a cheap bastard, and unknowing of the apparent trash smashers true purpose, Id's CEO decided to give the design team for Christmas and claim it to be a more efficient replacement for their old compactor. The device performed admirably in this role until and intern attempted to throw out a full stack of pancakes, violating the laws of reality and creating a hole in the universe that spontaneously caused the BFG to switch into firing mode and rearranged the neurons in the designers heads to make them extremely violent. The design team quickly turned on the interns and PWNT them (along with Id's panzy-ass Commander Keen franchise) using the BFG. They then began preliminary design work on one of the most important games of all time, Doom. Unfortunatley for Id, the game engine couldn't cope with all the flying balls the BFG produced and went on strike, causing naseua-inducing amounts of lag. To remedy this, the design team replaced the gynourmous light bulb cluster with a single, uber bulb taken from my neighbor's easy bake oven. Now when fired, the gun produced a single, massive plasma burst that went mush easier on game's engine, and thus the single shot, fire and forget BFG as we know it was born.

[edit] Prominent BFGs Throughout History

BFG-9000/10k(Doom/Quake):The latest evolution of the BFG-9000 found in Quake 2 and Doom 3 fires a globular plasma projectile with a magic cyber-gnome at it's core which fires energy streams from the main blast at nearby enemies by blowing in their general directions.

WraithVerge(Hexen): A huge-ass cross on a stick that summons the ghosts of dead rock-stars to dismember nearby enemies and return their health to the user.

Hand of God(Rise of the Triad): When a R.O.T. player picked up a god-mode powerup ( a potent mixture of human growth hormone, downers, and grade A industrial-strength Jesus Juice) they instantly grew a foot in height, took on a deep, Barry White voice and gained the ability to shoot balls of divine light from thier hands. The player's balls would home in on any enemies on or off screen and turn them into ashes faster than they could exclaim in fright: "Oh noes, dat guyz ballz are flying right at my face!"

Drunk Missle(Rise of the Triad): This weapon loosed a swarm of flaming, winged liqour bottles that auto-aimed themselves at everyone on screen and blew them into bloody giblets.

Rail Laser(Project Snowblind): A chargable, high powered laser that could shoot through walls. Had a seconday fire that produced a massive wave of energy that PWNT anything in range.

Spartan Laser(Halo 3): A highly advanced laser weapon that shined a laser pointer through an uber lens from my dad's reading glasses, creating a beam strong enough to pop a tank (or any corn dumb enough to come near my house) in one shot.

Devastator(Duke Nukem 3D): The "damage hose" concept was resurected with this drum fed, fully automatic, self targeting, mini-stinger missle launcher.

Gluon Gun(Half-Life): Projected a high intensity stream of accelerated gorrilla glue capable of gibbing almost anything in 10 seconds or less.

Redeemer(Unreal Tournament 3): The latest evolution of the man portable nuke(others include the neutron bomb from Crysis and Fallout 3's Fatass...errr Fatman). Launches a massive nuclear projectile that destroys anything (user included, but you shouldn't be shooting this thing off unless your smart enough to get out of the killzone) in it's blast radius.

Black Shark Missle(Descent 3): A small missile that generated an intense black hole on impact. Anything that survived the intense gravitational stress of being pulled into the black hole was transported to another dimension where vegetarians and yuppies rule the world.

[edit] Epic Fails

Name: Fusion Cannon

Ammo Type: Prisms

Usefull for killing: Yourself

-Green Mage on the Fusion Cannon

Sometimes a game developer will decide to throw in a shoddily designed BFG at the last minute to give them extra bragging rights about the number of guns in their game. These "BFD"s (Big Fucking Disapointments) are generally useless, imbalanced, or likely to cause suicide. A list of epically failed BFDs follows.

Dark Matter Gun(Quake 4):This moronic piece-of-crap-with-a-trigger was an unneccesary and uncalled for replacement to the BFG10k. This thing not only looked lame in comparison to the BFG10K, but also took away the only good thing about being the humans. I mean, come on, soldier and civilian alike already get liquified into 2-in-1 Space Food/WD40 on a regular basis, not to mention the fact that most of the marines get obliterated within half an hour of the game starting, leaving all the work to 1 guy, now the frickin' squibs have the most powerful gun in the game too!?

MGL-MK-X(Army of Two):A disastrous attempt at a grendage launcher. This piece of scrap metal came loaded to the gills with a total of nine stinkin' rounds, which were unlikely to kill anyone but the most mundane enenmies. To top it off, it was about as accurate as flipping the grenades at the terrorists with a shovel and enemies seldom left behind any ammo for it, leaving you with nothing but one of the games sucktacular sidearms and some bad dialouge to use as weapons. Epic Fail.

Plasma Rifle(System Shock): Produced a gaseous cloud of plasma that traveled with reasonable speed and vaporized anything it hit. Unfortunately, it ricoched off every thing it hit too, and often wound up right back in the craw of the poor S.O.B. who shot it.

This page is a work in progress But let's give it a chance. The author will finish it later. Or maybe not. Should they choose the latter, within seven days, this page will not exist anymore. Now, go away! This page will be re-checked on 18:55, 27 September 2008