BMW

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BMW X5 in the middle of fucking nowhere, guy at the wheel not pictured because he's a BMW driver. Also not shown: Fleet of helicopters that lifted this softroader of the tarmac
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about BMW.

Big Money Waste, or B.M.W. also known as Extendamember or the Hitler Car, a species more commonly spotted amongst the wild urban mountains, is four wheeled animal which traverses the great distances between the local Starbucks and the office. This breed has been steadily increasing after almost dying out in the year 1567 BC due to hunting. After becoming fashionable as as pets for rich young people in the 1980s however they began to spread. Soon they had reached plague preportions and were dumped as they became uglier due to inbreeding and the C. Banglicile bacteria, (which has now become an inherited disease) and everyone switched to the now more fashionable and less offensive Audi (homosexual erectus)breed as pets. As everyone flushed these creatures down the toilet they have begun to breed in the wild resulting much cruder, uglier designs.

Old models have now fallen into the hands on the mentally ill who resort to mangling them with horrifying results. Lucky some kindly souls take pity on the older ones and provide safe havens to rescue as many as possible, particularly the rarer //M (Mentalis) varitation.

As a corporation, BMW date back to the 12th century, when they were founded by Ghengis Khan during his pacifist tour of Europe. For several centuries they produced rainbows, pixies, and unconditional love, and thus caused widespread revulsion in Europe, which plunged into countless years of bloodshed, otherwise known as the Inquisition.

However, facing financial ruin in the 1930s, the company was taken over by Adolph Hitler, who transformed the ailing company into a leading producer of Nazi blow-up sex dolls with twin-turbocharged sex holes and speed vents. Currently Julian Lee, no.85 richest man in the world owns the company.

Prerequisites for driving a BMW[edit]

In order to buy a BMW, you must look like this man.

One of the factors that have propelled BMW to high demand are the strict requirements they impose on potential drivers of their vehicles. These include:

  • Must be a cocky ass-wipe.
  • Must be certified as one of the world's most cocky 10,000 drivers.
  • Must be one of those pricks who wears a bluetooth constantly and has a giant throbbing god complex.
  • Must be in possession of either a massive superiority complex or a massive inferiority complex.
  • Must be partially blind in both eyes.
  • Must have emptied all excrement before entering
  • Must be in need of penis enlargement.
  • Must have fake boobs.
  • Must spend a minimum of $500 per week on lap dances, and brag about it on-line under a pseudonym.
  • Must be a white male with a mid-sized house thinking you own a million dollar house
  • Must drive incredibly fast
  • Give shit to the cop when you get pulled over
  • #1 must buy it used and act like you just bought a "BEEMER!"

The BMW has specific requirements. For women the BMW has a limit for looking good and being able to bench the minimum of the bar. For the men on the other hand, must either be rich, ripped, a celebrity, or sexy looking. BUt there is one requirement that they must accomplish along with one of the other selections. YOU MUST BE ABLE TO BENCH THE MINIMUM OF 115 pounds( for any retard out there who doesn't know how much that is, get a 45 pound bar and also put a 35 pound weighed on each side, then try) and you must bench it at least once.

Baader-Meinhof Wagen[edit]

The BMW was so popular amongst members of the Rote Armee Faktion (Baader-Meinhof Gang) - due to the fact that the cars were fast, easy to steal and anonymous - that German wags claimed the initials actually stood for Baader Meinhof Wagen. Well, we all know what they say about German humour...

Price[edit]

$30,000 to over $100,000

Distinguishing Features[edit]

  • Must have Oakley sunglasses on in sun or rain
  • Have short fingers that cant reach indicators switch
  • Be a massive cock...
  • ...but have a small cock of his own
  • Windows must be down Jan Hammer turned up
  • Have a sight range of no more than 37.45 CM hence them cutting up other drivers
  • Forgoten other people/cars etc exist outside of 'cock'pit
  • Quite often found driving their dads car... you know who you are xr2i-carl :cry:

Distinguishing Between Hedgehogs and BMWs[edit]

It's easy. Hedgehogs have the pricks on the outside, whereas BMWs have pricks on the inside, driving.

Distinguishing Between Al-Qaeda and BMWs[edit]

This is not so easy. We recommend that if you are in the armed forces and you are placed in a situation where you have to decide, you should shoot first and make the necessary identification once the smoke clears (if possible). Nobody has ever been court-martialled for accidentally blowing up a BMW and for good reason.

Distinguishing Between Evil Robotic Transformers from another planet and BMWs[edit]

Again if you see a BMW shoot first, ask questions later. It may hurt to admit you have made a mistake, but if it was big enough the pain only lasts for a second. If evil robotic transforming robots from another planet DID arrive, adopting a BMW disguise would be the only way they could hope to go un-noticed.

Distinguishing Between a Bucket of Shit and BMWs[edit]

Look for the long handle across the top which is a dead giveaway. BMWs never have roof-racks since it would make them look more like evil robotic transformers from another planet.

Species[edit]

Being a German company, BMW have no imagination when it comes to model names. Popular models include:

BMW M3 GTR Need For Speed: Most Wanted ( Still, the names with real meaning are the best)
  • B52 - The WWII era bomber.
  • X3- Ugly car for ugly people.
  • M3-Sexy, Luxurious, like a sex-primed perfume advert.
  • X5 The Osama Bin Ladenmobileiensgeschaftderlehrermeingottdasistsupertoll!!!!!
  • M5 Some really naughty saloon. So dirty it's banned in the USS-ARRR.
  • MINI (NEEDS TO BE ALL UPPERCASE FOR SOME REASON)

A POOR CLONING ATTEMPT BY A MAD GERMAN SCIENTIST, UNDER INSTRUCTION FROM HITLER IN 1449B.C. IN A SECRET ANTARCTIC BASE THIS ESCAPED INTO THE WILD IN THE LATE 20TH CENTURY AND HAS SINCE BEEN CAUSING HAVOC IN PALUGE PROPORTIONS. IT ASSUMES THE IDENTITY OF THE EARLIER British "Lowercase" Mini YET CAN BE DISTINGUISHED BY IT'S MUCH LARGER PROPORTIONS AND CAPS LOCK NAME. ONE OF THE LANDS NAZI CONQUERED. A CAR THAT PEOPLE LIKE MR.BEAN LOVE TO DRIVE, NO MATTER HOW LOUSY IT IS. (iAnd iThat iNcludes iDrive! ithank igod IMINI iDoes iNot iCome iWith iDrive)

  • 1 Series

A particularly ugly subvariant that has been recently spotted, smaller than most models it's existence appears to be for the sole reason of scaring small children. There are rumours that it was bred specifically to attack other hatchback species, but if this is true then it has failed to deliver, possibly an unwanted experiment. Usually bought by a 'badge' concious fuck wit One of the main reasons it cannot attack the other hatchbacks is because it is as slow as crap. Mainly bought as a BMW and not as an actual car. Nazi's failure before they conquered the MINI.

  • 3 Series

By far the most common of the breed, the common, or garden, twit as it is sometimes known, has in its current evolutionary state has developed camouflage that makes it almost invisible in the urban environment. It's sole distinguishing feature is its tiny little legs which look completely out of place. Some owners use stilts to make it appear more normal, this normally only makes it appear more ridiculous.

  • Z4

A subspecies that looks slightly different from other models, mostly identified by its sexual organs, which although are still inside the car, are on open display. It appears to be aggressive but is actually harmless. If bitten it may leave a nasty rash. It is an evolution of the earlier Z3 from 1865 which was actually a mutation of the Z1 which was a rarer mutation of the 1 series after a French Nuclear test in the South Pacific. The Z1 is rarer and worth more to a collector as a wall trophy, the Z3 however is very common,undesirable and cunt-like, despite a brief period when it was in fashion shortly after it was first discovered under a rock in the Nevada Desert

  • 5 Series

A larger version of the common twit, not as common so is known by the more familiar name of uncommon twit. After its attractive predescessor this version inheritated poor genetics as the result of evil nazi experiments in the aftermath of the pink explosion of 1863. Its development parallels that of the 9 series with which it is very closely related. Although most are harmless the M5 model is particularly vicious. The M5 is difficult to spot with its modest appearance giving the impression it is a normal 5er when it in fact has a much more powerful bite and greater speed, luckily this type is rarely seen. The ordinary 5er sometimes dresses itself up to look more aggressive, these are fairly common and normally nothing to worry about as long as you remain wary of the M5 variant.

  • 6 Series

Thought extinct for a while this subspecies was originally a seagoing species first spotted in the around 1970BC, it was itself thought to be related to the earlier imaginatively named 3.0L CSL, however this later model, shark-like, creature benefitted from more effective streamling to deal with its watery environment. It was thought to have been hunted to extinction, though the 8 series was apparently an offshoot of some heavily mutated 6er genes, however it was quickly hunted to extinction by the Norwegians and Japanese in the name of 'scientific research'. These are now extinct after being endangered for some time. This new 6 series that has recently reappeared is thought to be another Nazi experiment gone horribly wrong and based on a mutated 5 series. This has developed a tortise like shell and the ability to crawl on land. Mostly harmless, the M6 version distinguished by its striped legs can be poisionous.

  • 7 Series

A full size variant after the ill advised experiment of breeding a 5 series with a Hippolopomotatomouse. Its large and ugly, yet can move and turn much faster than would normally be expected. It has a large appetite for small children and the elderly, luckily it is uncommon apart from weaker base models. A Full size adult is normally harmless unless provoked, then it will charge and possibly stampede.

  • X3

An over-sized deformed variant of the 3 series, born after an ill advised drunken night with a mountain goat. It has the token ability to travel across slippery surfaces, however most are tame and rarely venture into the wild. Nothing more than a lapdog bred for society girls.It is also adivised to drink and drive when dealing with the X3 series,according to the Nazi official Adolf Hitler.

  • X5

Much like the X3 except in this case with a 5 series and a larger result. Still rarely seen in the wild and also common as a pet, except the X5 is more commonly seen by delusional adults who wish to project a certain image of themselves, mainly that they are pretentious wankers. X5 is said to be the most common transport of drug dealers worldwide. Tony Montana is very protective of his X5's and will rather let his sister be screwed than his car screwed.

  • X6

Similar to X5 only not really because this one tends to be quite retarded looking. Usually taking on the shape of a deformed egg. No doubt this is ugliest of the X family. Usually driven by assholes, this can usually be identified easily in its environment by its erratic movements and tendency to cut of others in a very rude fashion.

Rare Sub-Species[edit]

  • Alpina B9/10

Looking much like the typical 5er, they first appeared around 1982BC, when a 5er and an AMG had intercourse (The BMW and Mercedes species are both rather similar, though there are some small differences, one being that the mercedes are commonly fatter, and generally more homosexual, though there is a little knowen sub-species called the AMG (Ballsicus Gretacis) that is higly dangerous) They are knowen to be highly aggressive and easily prevoked. Very difficult to spot, their main hunting grounds are at autocross tracks. Their main diet consists of Honda Civics (Importicus Maximus) and small pets. Their Highly Venomus. If seen, back away slowly, and do not, under any cercumstances call them an //M5, as they will likely charge.

  • Hartge M5

Very little is known about these extremely dangerous creatures. It is advised that you do not approach under any circumstances. expect similar behevious to the //M5.

  • Motorrad

This species differs from the variants above in that this one only has two legs. It was said that in 1900, the president of BMW Adolf Hitler, wanted to offer his boyfriend David Hasselhoff something to ride. Thus came the new Motorrad models. From the R45 all the way to the R1200GS and K1200R. They can be spotted in high mountainous areas, flat open areas and are very common on North Korea. It has been said that the North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has a great collection of these beasts. To qualify to ride a BMW motorcycle one must have a beard, be aged over 73 and have bad teeth. An encyclopaedic knowledge of South Ossetian passenger passenger train carriage serial numbers is a bonus and qualifies you to own and ride two BMW's.

  • Isetta 250/600

Developed by the Nazis as a "final solution" for building an inexpensive aircraft. The Isetta is recognized as being the Shittiest aircraft ever produced. And because of the Isetta, the Germans lost the war. Today, the Isetta is almost a Wikipedia myth. But the only known person to own an Isetta is Steven Quincy Urkel of Chicago.

Also See[edit]

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