Today's featured article

November 22: Conspiracy Theory Appreciation Day (not celebrated for some reason)

• 200 Sex is invented.
• 1812 - Puzzle potato officially refound. Citizens everywhere rejoice.
• 1910 - Hekyll and Jekyll secretly meet to create the Federal Reserve System.
• 1932 - The first time machine is successfully tested.
• 1945 - Nazis accidentally explode nuclear bomb in Dresden. Allied air forces are subsequently blamed for mass firebombing.
• 1952 - In Guatemala, CIA first operation gives start to a era of brutal military dictatorships sponsored by the US government in Latin America ... wait... thats not funny...
• 1957 - The invisible wallet of gold is stolen in Manchester, England. Local swan is blamed
• 1963 - J. F. K. accidentally assassinated by angry, confused polar bear. Polar bear plants gun on napping Lee Harvey Oswald and escapes in a get-away sled. Nobody looks into it very much.
• 1963 - Absolutely nothing happened. You hear me? Nothing. If you heard otherwise, it's a filthy Communist lie.
• 1968 - Stanley Kubrick begins secret filming of the moon landing.
• 1970 - The Million Cyberman March (pictured) is held in Washington, DC. Conspiracy theorists claim that it was actually a failed invasion from outer space.
• 1983 - America's largest Tin foil hat manufacturer is shut down - at the same time as a record number of "communications satellites" are sent into orbit by NASA.
• 1985 - 1985th anniversary of "Going to bed on November 21 and waking up on November 23 mysteriously" day
• 1986 - Hands Across America is celebrated at the same time as secret evidence is presented during the Iran-Contra trial.
• 1988 - J.F.K. zombie rises from dead and rampages across U.S. leaving hundreds slain in his wake. U.S Secretary of Wizardry David Copperfield resurrects the spirit of Abraham Lincoln to stop the monster.
• 1989 - Remains of JFK's brain grafted into a 150ft tall, titanium, laser-eyed, nuclear-powered robot to celebrate the anniversary of his death. JFK-9000 ran amuck and was subsequently destroyed by Godzilla, who had to be flown in especially from Tokyo, Japan.
• 1992 - Mossad agents from the future assassinate Sam Weaver in Ruby Ridge for unknown reasons.
• 1999 - CIA operatives go berserk in Columbine High School, killing 14 people including two innocent students who were subsequently blamed.
• 2000 - Shadow Internet #1 created. Subsequent internets are created in the coming years.
• 2001 - George W. Bush places blame on Afghanistan for Terra-ist attack 11 days earlier, when in actuality he did it in order to have an excuse to declare war.
• 2005 - Federal Government attempt to reduce surplus population in New Orleans fails with just over 700 deaths.
• 2006 - South Park exposes 2001 conspiracy as a conspiracy; Bush too stupid to blow up planes
• 2007 - November 22 mysteriously wiped empty
• 2008 - Squirrel resembling J.F.K. assasinated.
• 2048 - The first time machine is invented.
• 3048 - The Second time machine is invented to go retrieve the crucial parts of First Time machine which blasted in New Orleans in 2005 causing 700 deaths.

• Forgiveness shortage. Sins Jesus died for used up!

• Those damn Aussies made the whole Swine Flu thing up!

• Warren Rupf honored by NAMBLA

• Halloween II failure prompts reboot of popular horror franchise. (Pictured)
• Is the Government doing enough to suppress the proletariat?

• Vice Versa Syndrome remains rampant

• Caroline Kennedy remembers uncle, 'Tedward'

• Protests erupt as Australia braces for Aimee Mann concert

• Mary Jo Kopechne's killer brought to justice

• CDC advocates female genital mutilation

• Indian woman unveils world's largest scissors! Stationers rejoice

• Trig mourns grandmommy's loss

• Mrs. Christ arrested for fraud!

• Altria achieves revenge on Reader's Digest

• Marriot says, "The slut begged for it"

• Lord Zedd arrested for drunken trespassing

Need advice? Ask Cthulhu!

• ...that the Internet is a series of tubes?

• ...that my hobbies include dogs, cats and pancakes?

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Some generic night in some generic town. A generic storm is howling down generic streets. A generic person wakes up frightfully, staring down a hooded figure holding a scythe, which does not look generic at all. You...you...you...are...the Grim Reaper? mumbles the frightened generic person Have you come for my soul? Not at all, my dear fellow a wicked smiles forms inside the hood although it's a common mistake. I am, in fact, a Brothel Keeper, but my friends call me Necropaxx. The hooded figure winks its red eyes as it waves around what seems to be, under close inspection, a squeaky rubber scythe. Yes yes, I run a nice whorehouse for hippies down the road. Also, I make cheese. Sometime I put the cheese in the toaster. Sometimes I put my customers in the toaster. Oops, did I say that out loud? The hooded figure leans more closely towards the generically frightened person, peering at him intently. I believe you will do nicely with a nice glass of Bordeaux. Yes my dear fellow. I did not come for your soul, I came for your body. Medium rare.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we shall now commence our countdown sequence. Launch sequence initiated in ten...nine...eight...seven..." (countdown is abruptly stopped as some hysterical screams can be heard in the background) "Jesus H. Christ! What IS that thing!" "It...it...it looks like a turd...but like a...like a...500 ft tall turd! IT'S THE 500 FT TALL TURD MONSTER!!" "Wait, what is that thing it's pushing just ahead of it?" "It looks like...it looks like a coal wheelbarrow?" "And what the hell is pinned to its vile back?!" "Seems like a sign...?" "What does it say?!" "Going to Newcastle. Please walk the dog."

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