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“ There in the Bushes!”

~ Nick Heskes on the Baboon

Hailing the mothership

Baboons are Coke Mules for the drug lords of Truckee. But they also have been known attacked stand-up comics with tire-irons in Alaska. Baboons are also known as the 2nd ugliest animal on the face of the earth. But Baboons have also been known to metamorphize into a drawn horned monster seen here...

Scary ass aint' it.

The Baboons Home World[edit]

A pain in the ass.

Saturn, they came here on giant pancake, with two spatulas! There home city is an entire civization made of Kitchen and bathroom appliances, such as pickles, horses,toilets, green, soap, and 45. The reason for there migration is that they drove there planet into the sun. Baboons are stupid.


As of now, all baboons are on Atkins as a plan to slim down for takeover of the human race (via Chuck Norris), but preceding their dietary switch baboons fed on flaming babies, medieval knights, Ashton Kutcher, Girl Scouts and people from Berkeley. And on occasion the step out of the bounds and eat Canadians. But other foods for Baboons are Zombies, but only Classic zombies, not the new steroid zombies that run around maken grugaling noises. Baboons can pretty much eat anything they can catch.

Fun Facts[edit]

An artist rendering of a baboon.

The baboons tail is acutely a large fuzzy worm that feeds on there ass when they are born. Contrary to common belief, baboons are afraid and full of mustard gas. There once were IRS Agents that bred them, but they were enslaved by Chuck Norris and trained in battle tatics for his secret Baboon Army. The Reason for the nasty looking ass would be, while Chuck Norris was training His Baboon Army one of the Baboons said,"Can I have Some water?". So that Baboon was punished with a roundhouse kick in the ass. But the kick was so fast that it caught on fire and scortched the baboon ass. Now, all baboons live in burning pain for questioning Chuck Norris. Although, one Baboon has broken free of this curse. D.Lowe, the new Baboon King, is trying tirelessly to free his bright assed bretheren. But, he is constantly thwarted by his arch rival, Seb Mu the Cow Lord, and his ultimate tetris skills. Baboons have also been known to mass produce Ak-47s to and from daycare centers all around the world.


  • Your Face
  • The tree in your nieghbors yard
  • Your Girlfriends Panties
  • Best Buy (50% off!)
  • The Lifetime Channel
  • Russia

Famous Baboons[edit]


When baboons first Came to earth in the 1400's

Baboons can fix your T.V., do your homework, bribe the cops, be a decretive lamp, destroy your home, bring back dead relatives, wreck your car, crap on your food, choke your dog, poop on the neighbors, be a dentist, rob a bank, harass pop stars, kill the rest of the pandas, draw on your wall, rape john carry, break a leg, play videos games, use up all the hot water, attack your neck, break your windows, play karaoke, replace you at school, get high, rape the cat, tame squirrels, write anger filled letters to your local government, pimp out your old girlfriend/boyfriend, make a hostile take-over of the nearest gas station, smash your cell phone, throw poop at Simon, clog your toilet, beat up a walrus, Reek havoc at local community pool, have random bouts of car salesmen destruction, wear the same dress that you were going to wear to the prom and much much more!!!

See Also[edit]

The baboon is also useful for practising face painting artists to hone their skills upon. The problem occurs when artists are asked to draw a babbon on a childs face, at the end of which the child is invariably a butthead.