I repeat that I never have, and I never will, engage in the baconation of grapefruit!
~ Oscar Wilde on baconated grapefruit
Baconated Grapefruit is a popular food item sold by Hormel Foods Corporation, now a fully owned division of Locally Branded Global Food Dynamics. It was originally discovered at the Pilchard, Minnesota Denny's Restaurant in 1987, when a whole grapefruit was accidentally dropped into a deep-fat fryer that was being used to cook bacon (Denny's considers griddles "highly unsuitable" for bacon frying). The skin of the grapefruit became crisp, and a large amount of bacon fat permeated it. In a panic, the Denny's cook placed the grapefruit on the plate anyway and served it to the customer, though he had actually ordered pancakes.
The Turning Point
In an amazing coincidence, the customer was, in fact, Mel Koppelman — Senior Food Scientist for Hormel's Research and Development Division, located in the nearby town of Austin. On tasting the accidentally-prepared dish, he immediately realized that the unique flavor of deep-fried grapefruit would appeal enormously to Hormel's customers. The grapefruit was then sent to a lab in Wisconsin, where it was studied, and a recipe was devised that consisted primarily of crude petroleum, sodium nitrite, and ketamine.
Surprisingly, no bacon or grapefruit is present in the Hormel product as currently shipped, nor is it deep-fried. Each baconated grapefruit is grown in a huge steel vat, using a patented biochemical process known only to Dick Cheney. The frying action actually results from mysterious endothermic reactions between the ingredients, though this has led to criticism from some consumer groups that the product is "chemically unstable."
- Baconated grapefruit: The great taste of grapefruit with all the health benefits of bacon!
By 1993, widespread reports linking baconated grapefruit to a rise in cases of testicular cancer, spontaneous gender reassignment, hair-loss, painful severe erections, anal leakage, and early onset of senile dementia appeared in the mass media. However, these were downplayed by Hormel spokesmen, who claimed the allegations were "just a lot of silliness being bandied about by so-called 'doctors' with advanced degrees."
Despite these reports, which continue to this day, a loyal segment of the population continues to consume Baconated Grapefruit. By some estimates, the product is said to be directly responsible for over 5,000 deaths per year.
The highly efficient lethality of Baconated Grapefruit soon brought the product to the attention of the U.S. Department of Defense Special Projects Command, who decided in 1996 to develop the tasty dish as a weapon. A $140 million contract was bid to Raytheon Corporation to create a "weaponized" version of the product, as well as an effective delivery system. Initial tests, in which ten pounds of baconated grapefruit were packed into the nose-cone of a modified Sidewinder cruise missile and fired at Jennifer Love Hewitt's full, voluptuous breasts, produced results well beyond the expectations of U.S. military planners. The devastating effectiveness of the new system, referred to in internal documents as the Baco-G Missile (BGM), led to its initial use in the Afghan campaign — in which over 400 Taliban fighters were killed by a single strike during a casual Sunday brunch with Northern Alliance resistance troops.
Later, BGM's were used heavily in Gulf War II against Iraqi army and militia units, as a way of showing the firmness of the United States' resolve to spread as great a volume of ersatz pork products over Middle Eastern countries as possible, within the limits of existing technology.
Recent research has shown that BGM's can cause cancer, among other things including AIDS, Death, and hunger. The UN has tried to banned the dangerous weapon in the hopes that the weapon will never be used again. Denny's has tried many times to file suit against the UN on the grounds that they can't serve it anymore as food. The Supreme Court, sided with Denny's, who's owner later told the justices that "Breakfast is on us!".
Needless to say, the future of baconated grapefruit looks bright. Several states are considering using the product as a substitute for more expensive and less humane execution methods such as the electric chair, lethal injection, hanging, and making up Oscar Wilde quotes. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has adopted baconated grapefruit as its "foodstuff of choice" in its effort to rid the U.S. of "undesirables," and several major corporations are already using a low-cost version in workers' cafeterias as a means of reducing head-count in an overall effort to boost sagging stock prices.
There are no truth to the rumours that baconated grapefruit is falling out of favor, and will probably be around much longer than you'd care to see, but hey, what are you goanna do?
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