Badly Drawn Porn
“Oooooooh....I had it upside down?”
“...and that children is called the Doggie Style...now come here Pluto!!”
Perhaps one of the more surprising areas within modern sexuality is the growth in interest in what has been dubbed Badly Drawn Porn. Many consider its beginnings to have taken place within the 1970s boom of the Toilet Door Communication, whilst others push it back to the earliest scribblings of proto Modern Man during the Neolithic Age. It is believed that Australopithecus drew porn with burnt sticks on cave walls to remind future generations how to make more cave children. Later civilizations improved on drawing techniques and perspective but fumbled with their paint brushes when it came to Badly Drawn Porn. Only those that were considered to be 'artful' survived, other works of that time were destroyed or neglected or converted into something more useful like toilet paper.
A number of religious relics and artefacts are often cited as a major influence on the genre, which include the Tijuana Bible, the Voynich Manuscript and the famous 13th Century illustrated version of the "Lewd Acts of the Apostles" found in a secret passage within an Italian monastery. It was a time when you could also look at paintings in churches and see plenty of Badly Drawn Porn but cleverly disguised as showing people suffering torments from perverted devils.
Without getting into the nuts and bolts of porn let us remember what porn is for, and badly drawn porn fulfills this same role. Whether that be inside today’s correctional facilities, or passed around a classroom to explain your mum’s role in global warming, badly drawn porn reaches out and touches the desperation in all of us. A clitoris will always be a clitoris (right?) however badly drawn porn can emphasis the role of the clitoris without all those silly facial expressions or back story.
Badly Drawn Porn in Popular Culture
Traditionally, hentai comes as a form of anime, or the Japanese style of cartoons, and became so popular that many people started to prefer this as their own sexual preference. Americans have grown to follow this habit as well, but not as much so with their own form of cartoon. Most images produced feature borderline pubescent teenage girls in various stage of undress, often whilst fighting off the advances of octopi.
Often classed as an inspiration for the Badly Drawn Porn movement, much of the work of Leonardo da Vinci is frequently cited as belonging to the genre when in fact it should not. Drawing people and horses without their skin, whilst a little "weird", can barely be described as "badly drawn". Vermeer's sketch "Girl with a Pearl Necklace" is often cited as a major influence on the genre.
The artist and poet William Blake was said to be one of the worst. Rejected by the Royal Academy, his illustrations supposedly showing religious subjects were later reclassified by the Victorians as 'undesirable' and a danger to young women. The criticism was that his work would excite passions and unworthy thoughts as he badly drew Satan like a normal man with average sized tackle or Adam and Eve getting it on in an unreal landscape. When Blake died, his porn was for many years kept in a locked basement to prevent their wider circulation.
Pablo Picasso is unusual that he was an artist who could draw porn well but only if it involved bulls and young women. He would claim these were to illustrate the Minotaur myth but was later discovered that the Spanish born artist had once had planned to publish his own illustrated sex manual titled Fun Down on the Farm. Picasso changed his mind and spent the rest of his career adding his signature to a brand of crap car to keep him in oils and nudes.
Some of the work of sculptor Henry Moore was formerly listed within the genre but has since been re-classified as Badly Hewn Porn. These works are now regarded as collectibles, especially by gangs operating from the back of flat back trucks with lifting gear for anonymous clients in China.
Badly Drawn Porn has since the early days of the printing press featured heavily within literature. The very first example of Badly Printed Porn is the extremely rare Johannes Gutenberg's 15th century edition of Ovid's Coitus Latina. Its descriptions and dirty thumbnails of pagan gods copulating with anything that had legs were later deemed as 'heretical' by Pope Innocent VIII and his family. This didn't stop later writers from adding to the canon of Badly Written Porn over the following centuries. Amongst later writers trying their hands at the 'base art' were William Shakespeare's play with As I Like It With the Doors Closed, Voltaire's Vulgarium and Jane Austen with her positively filthy work Pride and Pornography. Other writers dipping the pen - and sometime other body parts in the ink - published :-
- The original printing of "Lolita" which featured fingerpainted doodles by Vladimir Nabokov's 12 year old daughter.
- Each piece of work by Hunter S. Thompson contained at least one badly drawn image of a penis.
- Popular children's books "Bi-curious George".
- The Ladybird Collection of "The Famous Five" contained numerous etchings of Dick and Fanny.
- Roald Dahl's The Big Over Friendly Tosser showing that giants are not always over proportioned in certain physical attributes.
A number of "sex manuals" have relied on on Badly Drawn Porn to help them bypass some anti-pornography laws in certain nations. Alex Comfort's seminal book The Joy of Sex and the latter Erogenous Zones and Difficulties in Overcoming Finding Them both rely heavily on this method to avoid persecution.
Games and Media
Due to pixel limitations and the rendering capabilities of computers, many computer games would utilised the attraction of pornography in order to attract the interest of their target demographic, namely teenage boys. From the early days of the Apple Mac, through the beginnings of the home computer craze with the ZX Spectrum and the Commodore64 a separate artform would evolve, eventually leading to games such a BloodRayne and Tombraider featuring Lara Croft which would become part of a subgenre of digital badly drawn porn.
In the days before credit cards, cash dispensers and Paypal, the only place you could buy and sell Badly Drawn Porn were at Porn Brokers. You could find them on every street, next door to a grocery shop specialising in cucumbers or a lingerie shop. In this way over many years, Porn Brokers accumulated a lot of drawings featuring bearded men and women with pubic hair with the depth and density of the Amazon rain forest. Now most have disappeared, thanks to the Internet and the general anti-hirsute politically inspired campaigns, especially in Brazil where the lower regions are now largely denuded of hair.
Damon Gough of Badly Drawn Boy is said to have originally wanted to call himself Badly Drawn Porn in honour of the books he once read whilst learning about sex in his local library. He stopped shaving, grew a beard and took to wearing a bobble hat to enhance the homage to the lascivious line drawings but his record company demanded a name change and heavily hinted that if he didn't find a different name, his music career would be the warm up man on the keyboard a lap dancing clubs. Though Gough became Badly Drawn Boy, insisted on keeping the beard. To this day his fans say there are still references to his childhood fascination with songs like 'Magic in the Air with the lyrics 'We slept on leaves on my drive last night' which they say refers to a drawing of a couple having exhibitionist sex on a front porch.
Norway's A-Ha were another group who thought about porn drawings for their rotoscoped video that went with Take on Me, utilising the talent of Eadweard Muybridge. If that version once existed, it is now sadly deleted.
The only singer to appear in his own badly drawn porn was John Lennon. After appearing naked with Yoko Ono on the cover of the album Two Virgins, Lennon had planned to do a follow up with his drawings on the front cover. These instead were later given to Sir Richard Branson, a bearded hippy who, before going into business, worked as an artist's model. It is suggested he is the original bearded lover in many of the drawings in the early 1970s but this cannot be confirmed.
The Future of Badly Drawn Porn
Sketchy, at best. Beards will probably not feature.
- The Phallic School of Architecture
- UnBooks:Hergé's Erotic Adventures of Tintin
- Socks Addiction
- Angry Ovaries