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“Hmm. There goes the fucking planet. Goddamn Frenchmen. ”
A baguette, which is also known as Dick Bread or Dick Missle, is a particularly deadly sort of weapon issued by the French Foreign Legion to its soldiers abroad. Its powers are legendary: in more than one instance a Legionnaire (pronounced "Legion-wah") has been found, half-demented in the Sahara Dessert with nothing but a single fig leaf and half of his standard-issue baguette left. The uses of this strange beast are almost limitless: they can function as walking sticks, sunshades, floatation devices, thieves' tools, battering ram, building material, currency, and of course, food.
The baguette was invented in -1622 A.C. by Sir Francis Bacon during the Battle of Miami, in a last-ditch effort to repel the forces of Christopher Walken's army. As inventions go, it's around five times better than sliced bread. Quickly realizing this, he mobilized Miami's bakeries to produce the flaky weapon. Arming his artificial Indian army with baguettes, he made a valiant last stand against the Niña in a skirmish late in -1620 A.C. This ended up being a turning point in the war. Afterwards, having escaped miraculously in an incident involving a few tears in the Niña's sail and a midnight sabotage of the ship's rudder, as well as a rather large bribe to the captain, he returned to Germany and opened the first baguette armoury.
Portugal jumped at the opportunity to get a leg up on the rest of the world, and placed an order of about two hundred thousand to be delivered almost immediately. Sir Francis Bacon, using a special technique and a modified version of the Cat-Toast Device, was able to meet their demands one step quicker. (See almost instantaneously) This made him fabulously wealthy and set him up for years to come.
The world record for the longest baguette is held by Antoine Desvomis of Quebec, who baked a 17-kilometre baguette using a cylinder of similar length, fitted with heating coils and mechanical kneaders. The Starfleet technology used to build the giant oven was kindly provided by Paramount Studios, while the dough was furnished by a Canadian GST money laundering operation. The fatality rate was approximately one curious child per two kilometres.
The world's shortest baguette was created using nanotech technology by magnetically maneuvering 6 carbohydrate molecules on an antimatter substrate. The record was personally verified by Oscar Wilde's ancestor, Woscar Idle. The infinitesimal comestible was only in existence for 3 picoseconds before annihilating with the substrate. How convenient.