Balamory
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“That PC Plum's rather dishy...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Balamory
“That PC Plum smells like homosexual spirit”
~ Kurt Cobain on Balamory
“"I don't get it."”
~ Alex Kurtzman on What's the story in Balamory
| Balamory | |
| |
| Directed by | Guy Ritchie |
| Written by | Dave Benson-Phillips |
| Starring | Julie Wilson Nimmo Miles Jupp Kasia Haddad |
| Produced by | Donnie Brasco |
| Distributed by | Cbeebies |
| Release date | 2002 |
| Runtime | 20 mins approx |
| Language | Hoplish |
| Budget | £12 |
| IMDb page | |
Balamory is a cult 2002 Scottish horror film, directed by Guy Ritchie and written by Dave Benson-Phillips. The film stars Edward Woodward.
In 2004 the magazine Total Film named Balamory the sixth greatest British film of all time. It also won the 2003 Saturn Award for Best Horror Film. A scene from this film was #45 on Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments.
The soundtrack is regarded as a musical masterpiece, and the theme tune recently got to number 657 in the UK music charts.
[edit] Synopsis
PC Plum (Woodward), is sent an anonymous letter recommending that he investigate the disappearance of a young girl, on the remote Scottish island of Balamory, a popular nudist colony. He flies out to the island and during his investigations discovers that the entire population follows a neo-pagan cult under the island's owner Lord Spencer, believing in songs, dancing and sharing in order to appease immanent natural forces.
Plum, an extremely devout and conservative Satanist, is increasingly shocked by the islanders' behaviour; yet, he is attracted and repelled by the alluring and sexual Miss Hoolie,( Who later reveals she is an Asian hooker), (a person who seems to have great trouble figuring out the difference between the words "greet" and "great"), who washes and styles her hair using lard and a mix of wailfat and mexican childrens tears. However, whilst romancing her, he discovers that she is a secret hermaphrodite ; but this did not stop PC Plum as he was a pantomime dame. He receives no assistance in his search from the islanders, who initially deny the missing girl exists and instead sing a song about climbing up a ladder.
After trying to infiltrate Edie McCredie's bus as she goes on a journey with a group of school children (Who are secretly grug dealing midgets, although is is not mentioned in the film), PC Plum is seized by the islanders, and Lord Spencer cheerfully announces that the sacrifice will be especially effective since the engaged PC Plum, is a big meany, and doesn't like to share. Spencer appears certain that sacrificing Howie will work. PC Plum is forced into the belly of a large hollow wicker statue of a cat, which is set on fire. In the final shot of the film, the islanders surround the burning wicker cat and sing along with the island's fitness instructor, Josie Jump, with "Jump A Little Higher".
There are also random, pointless scenes with a rotund middle aged man in a pink sweater. Archie lives in a pink castle and makes "inventions" that he saw on Blue Peter with toilet rolls and string. He also invites many children round for fun and frolics.After he has completed a successfull STI test he ties up the child and makes a telephone call to his friend Ronald McDonald who also koins the fun and frolics (for those slow retards hu dont get it they tie up the child and rape them)
[edit] Trivia
- Dave Benson-Phillips wrote the film after simultaneously watching the horror film 'Saw' and the entire first series of Teletubbies
- Edward Woodward prepared for his role as the Satanic PC Plum by becoming a practicing Satanist for 6 months prior to filming. Being a vegetarian, however, he only sacrificed goats made of soy and bathed in quorn virgin's blood
- The soundtrack was composed entirely with an empty can of Coca-Cola and a crazy straw
- Archie is not actually a man, but a 60 year old woman called Shirley, who likes to suck the blood of cats to retain her youthful appearance.
[edit] Characters
- Miss Whorelie - evil kiddy-fiddler, has a scary hairdo
- Susie Sweet - fat hooker, same hair as Hoolie
- Penny Pocket - is in a wheelchair because she doesn't have the same hair as the other two
- Archie - token poofter, always wears pink and lives in a pink castle. Can be found making sex toys out of yogurt pots and pipe cleaners
- Spencer - Token Black Guy, paints mediocre children's painting, but is just happy to be freed once a week from the basement where Miss Hooley keeps him and Josie Jump locked up
- PC Plumduff fairy - wimpy turd who gets beaten up by Miss Hoolie's posse on a daily basis. REALLY into Fisting
- Edie McCredie - "female" bus driver, says it all
- Josie Jump - local crack-dealer, has sex with her trampoline
 The author of this article was feeling lazy or uncreative. Therefore this article is a stub. So fix it.
|
