Balrog

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This page is about Balrog the monster, for Balrog the flying toaster robot briefcase, try Balrog (Huzzah!).

“I let him cross the bridge, but he destroyed it, because he was Bat Fuck Insane.”

~ Gandalf on letting Balrog cross the bridge
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Balrog.

Balrogs are small, furry, elflike creatures from Oscar Wilde's basement. They have a mean and vicious temper and is said to be one of the invisible forces behind such evil including, but not limited to:

They are also blamed for the first death of Oscar Wilde, which, of course was legendarized (TM) by his quote:

“Yup, I'm dead.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Being Killed

Wings Debate[edit]

It has often been debated by Lord of the Rings nerds scholars whether or not Balrogs have wings. Nerds Scholars who support the side of winged balrogs often cite a statement from the Fellowship of the Rings, "...suddenly it drew itself up to a great height, and its wings were spread from wall to wall..." (The Fellowship of the Ring, Book II, Chapter 5 - The Bridge of Khazad-dûm). However, nerds scholars opposing this the wings theory claim that the word "wings" in this quote refers to the simile comparing the shadow surrounding the Balrog to wings. In addition, there have been two instances where Balrogs have fallen great distances to their death.

Obviously they haven't seen the movie.

Literature[edit]

Balrogs have also made a deep impression in literature. For is it not so that it is written in the "Fellowship Of The Followers Of The Two Who Were Going On A Walk Towards The King Of The Return, Hubbit" (FOTFOTTWWGOAWTTKOTR,H)

"Agent Thompson: You. "

"Agent Smith: Yes, me. "

"[turns Thompson into another Smith]"

"Agent Smith: Me... me... me... "

"Balrog: Me too. "

"Agent Smith: Me... me... me... "

~ FOTFOTTWWGOAWTTKOTR,H


Presumed Life Cycle[edit]

Since no one has been able to study a balrog for any extended period without being killed or at least slain several hundred times, scientists have proposed a life cycle for these creatures by Guessing and playing Hide And Seek.

Week -1

Not Born

Week 1-3

Born

Week 3-present

Living

Of course this is much more complicated than it looks, among other things this cycle does not include:

Entering adulthood (Some say it is connected to when they receives their own small, characteristic, green hat)

Sex (think, Midget-Porn, but with hats)

Slaying Oscar Wilde (They can move through time as we ordinary people move through pizza or pie)

This Creature May take the form of one of your Friends[edit]

Characteristics of said friend-turned-balrog

  • They break all assortments of glass objects (mirrors, aviators etc...)
  • They always have ready argument that you did not in fact just see a firey whip in their locker
  • They may take as a mate one who is so completely obsessed in nerdish pursuits (such as world of warcraft) this is so they will not be able to notice their more balrog-like states which periodically shine through
  • They take up sports such as fencing to hone their skills with owning noobs

They have one weakness however so do not despair, They are completely disarmed by a simple tim horton's caramel filled donut in the face, in combination with their attacker saying "surprise"

It is advisable that if you see a friend of yours exhibiting such symptoms that you either subscribe to Oscar Wilde's magazine for advice on the subject or keep a ready supply of caramel filled donuts.

Ballhog Incident[edit]

It is rumored fact that the Balrog was never actually killed and instead turned into the Ballhog, a huge fiery basketball player that dribbles the length of the court without passing but never scores. However, attempts by a team to rid itself of the Ballhog often fail due to the high operating temperature of the Ballhog and its extensive magical powers.