Baltimore, Maryland
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Their football team is purple, named after a poem, and their fans wear feathers to games. Thats not the least bit gay.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Baltimore Ravens
“Fuck you, Baltimore! If you're dumb enough to buy a new car this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Big Bill Hell's Cars!”
~ Big Bill Hell's Used Cars on Baltimore
“Tag! You're it!”
~ Baltimore on Michael Moore
Baltimore (pronounced "bo-dy-more or bo-dy-morgue") is Maryland's largest city, but also the state's left armpit. (To learn about the state's right armpit, see Prince George's County.) The city is home to 8 million Baltimorons, and is the largest suburb of Washington, DC. It is most famous for its two major exports: drugs and sexually transmitted infections. Officially known as "Charm City,' Baltimore is infamously referred to as “Harm City,” due to the gang warfare that makes up its legislative process. People also call it this because they’re not very creative or talented at coming up with parody names for Baltimore.
Scientists actually warn against going to Baltimore as a tourist destination. In a recent study, 18% of all test subjects exposed to the city for more than 2 hours developed a life-long pubic itch. The other 82% of test subjects were all shot.
The favorite pastimes of Baltimore locals include running from the po-po's and cutting their drugs with cheaper drugs.
Contents |
[edit] Founding
It is popularly believed that Baltimore and the state of Maryland were founded in the late 1800s and early 1900s by the Jewish people. This is partially true, in that Baltimore and Maryland were nothing much until Jews settled the region. However, they were actually founded during the 1600s by Catholics attempting to flee the tyranny of- SWEET MOTHER, did you see the picture of that hot girlie in the Catholicism page that was just linked to?! Hummina hummina! Wait… what was I talking about again? Oh right… Baltimore. Thirdly, no wait… Oh, I lost count. Stupid sexy distractions. Whatever, Baltimore was officially founded by Abraham Baltimore, 3rd president of the United States, in 1892 (coincidentally, the same year the Kaiser invented STDs, a common theme in Abraham Baltimore's Utopian society).
Lastly, Baltimore was secretly founded three thousand years ago (give or take a few days), by Jedi Moses and the Marylandic Emperors.
Many who are learning about Baltimore for the first time have asked, “But how can it have been founded on several different occasions?” The answer to that question is simple – time travel. Noted time travelers who have either settled in or simply visited Baltimore include Woody Harrelson, Edgar Allan Poe (hence how his famous poem “The Raving” is about crazed Britney Spears fans), Doctor Who, and Marty McFly.
[edit] History
Much like the rest of Maryland, save a few events, nothing has ever happened in Baltimore of any importance or relevance. (Hence, why it truly merits an Uncyclopedia article).
[edit] War of 1812
After pwning the Americans by burning down the White House, the British were unable to take Ft. McHenry Rollins in Baltimore, an event that caused so much celebration that the United States national anthem, The Star and Eagle and Baseball and Mom's Apple Pie and Rocky Mountain Sunset and Liberty Bell and Iwo Jima Statue and George Washington's Head Spangled Banner, Yee-Haw! was written. The celebration was somewhat muted though, as when everyone checked their clocks they realized that it was now 1814 and that they were all two years late.
[edit] The stock market crash
The Stock Market crash of 1929 occurred when the Stock Market was hovering peacefully over the Baltimore-DC area on October 29th, 1929. After unidentified terrorists fired a rocket propelled grenade at it's vent core, the entire market burst into flames and plummeted to the ground, killing several Baltimorons and causing the Great Depression. Abraham Baltimore made efforts to repair the market by linking several flux capacitors to the Stock Market's Heisgenberg compensators, but was foiled by a sudden severe case of gonorrhea. Baltimore, however, had itself been involved in many Mediocre Depressions previously.
[edit] That time Gary Coleman dragged Baltimore on top of New York
One of the most notable events in the history of Baltimore occurred in November 2003 when Gary Coleman (commonly referred to as “Burt Reynolds”) decided to drag the city on top of New York City. Coleman’s reasons for doing so have been questioned by many, and the most popular theory as to why suggested so far has been “meh.”
Early in November, Coleman attached a chain to a mooring in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor and then attached the other end of the chain to his broke ass Pinto. He drove steadily Northward for several days, up the New Jersey turnpike, and finally reached New York City. There he detached Baltimore, leaving New York a subterranean city, submerged under the waters of the Chesapeake Bay.
The crisis of the submerged city was eventually resolved when then-Baltimore Orioles pitcher, Jorge Julio, took Baltimore and pitched it as a 212mph fastball back to where it belonged. This flooding disaster would give FEMA the training and experience to expertly deal with the No Orleans crisis caused by Hurricane Katrina some two years later.
[edit] Other events
- Days of yore. Adam and Eve met at the Jacuzzi at the Garden of Eden Apartments in suburban Baltimore.
- 1904. A cow set fire to the city, completely burning it down. Back then, this type of thing apparently happened all the time.
- 2001. The Kool-Aid Man crashes through the wall of the far-less famous Baltimore World Trade Center.
- 2005. A white person was robbed by a stuttering dope fiend that reportedly used the stolen money to "get high".
- 2006. Baltimore Oreos pitcher Russ "Meatball" Ortiz is thrown in the slammer after confessing to be part of an Al-Qaida sleeper cell. Fans of the game reported suspicious activities to the CIA after Ortiz' ERA dropped below 6,795.
- 2007 Baltimore changes its motto from "B'lieve, Hon" to "Get on it" after a highly watched contest of 42 submissons. The second most popular choice: "Baltimore: We got Crabs!"
- 2008. Some punk-ass kid shoots Omar Little in the head in a downtown liquor store. The kid was never apprehended, because police in Baltimore simply don't care
[edit] Geography
[edit] Suburbs
Baltimore is known for its suburbs, each of that has an identity of its own. Some of the suburbs are:
[edit] Cockeyesville/Hunt Valley
The place where those serious about the rifle live.
[edit] Dundalk
The very best place to live in the Baltimore area is Dundalk, if you are completely devoid of class. They still think its 1985. About 70,000 people are lucky enough to have figured out this secret. In Dundalk, you are guaranteed a great job with benefits and security, safe affordable housing, nice neighbors, and nice area attractions, such as walmart. With real estate in Dundalk coming at a premium among trailer parks, its residents spread bad word about the town to scare others away from buying.
[edit] Ellicott City
Baltimore's spooky ghost town.
[edit] Jacksonville/Phoenix
For people who wish they were in Florida or Arizona, but are stuck in Baltimore.
[edit] Owings Mills
Owings Mills is the hood of Baltimore, not known for its fatal attraction. But in order to know that, you have to live there first. The town of Owings Mills has a reputation of drawing people to live there by building new shacks the are painted on the outside to look like nice new houses, but once inside, are made of mere paper that can be torn apart by hand. With the look of luxury on the outside, they sell for millions. But once purchased, they can never be resold. In just a few days, it becomes impossible to live in them, and they must be abandoned. The real estate developers who own Owings Mills quickly snatch up the free land, and use it to build new houses in a few more days waiting for the next suckers to buy.
A big shiny mall in the center of town serves as a facade to make the area attractive to buyers.
[edit] Pikesville
Pikesville, located to the northwest of Baltimore, is the area where the city's Jewish population lives. The name of the town comes from pike, the main ingredient in gefilte fish, a popular Jewish delicacy.
[edit] Reisterstown
This area, older than Baltimore itself, was once a historic town, but has since been annexed by Owings Mills. See Owings Mills above for more info on what you are getting into.
[edit] Towson
The county is surprisingly elegant and home to the greatest of all diners, The Towson Diner. Additionally, Towson is the home of a the Maryland State Normal School, formerly Towson University.
[edit] Woodlawn
If you plan to retire anytime soon, or you are disabled, you've got the Social Security Administration by your side. But are they really supporting you?
[edit] Westminster
Westminster is 1/3 commerce, 1/3 cows, and by means of osmosis, 1/3 of what used to be historic Reisterstown. Westminster is home to many teenagers and old people.
[edit] Sykesville
Sykesville has some trains and some antiques. That's about it. It is rather similar to Ellicot City and Reisterstown in appearance, or, to be more honest, the ghost of what Reisterstown once was.
[edit] Eldersburg
Sub-suburb of Sykesville. Eldersburg is mostly hidden by trees, and is home to a empty mall haunted by the ghost of K-Mart. Eldersburg is a pretty Pollyanna place, if you discount the KKK and the roach nest poorly disguised as a movie theater.
[edit] Mount Airy
Not technically a suburb of anything. So who cares? The word eriocmweoivnvoiewmceoiwfn was created here.
[edit] Economy
As a port town, from early stages in its history Baltimoron women frequently gifted sailors and visitors Baltimore became famous for its crabs. The city if particularly associated with blue crabs, an especially delicious and itchy variety of the crotch-dwelling crustaceans. Continuing the age-old tradition to this day, people who visit Baltimore will most likely get crabs from the women there.
Drugs, including cocaine, crack, kittens, and heroin became widespread in Baltimore in the 1980s and is now used by residents as the city’s sole source of nourishment. Additionally, tons of heroin is exported every day, usually through a bartering system for the city’s primary currency, guns.
A traditional source of commerce that was once prevalent in Baltimore that is not so much today was the lucrative dirt farming industry. At the turn of the century, a tumultuous decade of anti-droughts that brought rainfall to the city ruined dirt crops by turning them into worthless mud crops. Despite the lack of dirt farming it Baltimore city, it still remains the most lucrative economic opportunity in the larger state of Maryland.
[edit] Regional Accent
The Baltimore accent was best described by The Don & Mike Show as a "twangy, nasaly dialect...where crabbers use speech patterns barely intelligible my mainlanders." Examples include: Croddy = Karate, Draff = Giraffe, Arsh = Irish, Coats = Colts, Droodle = Druid Hill.
The Baltimore accent is still widely used because it is enough to qualify a person for welfare.
Although very popular among the white population, the Baltimore accent was completely rejected by black residents. This can most likely be traced back to 1904, when Reverend Marcus Q. Jackson III proclaimed to his parishioners (his gang), "Don't be talkin' like no white man, yo. Day be fuckin' are shit up fer real." The Great Baltimore Fire followed shortly thereafter.
[edit] Famous Baltimorons
- A zebra, Baltimore's State Mammal, which represents the racial segregation that is such a treasured tradition in Baltimore.
- Michael Phelps, the world's swimmer would get all the Olympic gold medals but had a DUI here in this city. Paris Hilton bailed him out and survived legal waters.
- Katie Hoff, quite sexy swimmer since 15 she's a neighbor of Michael Phelps.
- Officer Salvatore "Dude" Rivieri, fat ass cop known for beating 14-year old skater Eric Bush and kicking a remote control car at the Inner Harbor hes pissed due to the fact his patrol car is a golf cart built custom so he can fit his fat ass in.
- Haley Sieglien, quite sexy swimmer since 8 she's a neighbor of Michael Phelps.
- Nancy Pelosi, owner of a street in Little Italy where one day, the White House will stand.
[edit] Trivia
- One in every nine baltimorons is currently addicted heroin.
- The three biggest problems in Baltimore are drugs, homeless people, and abandoned houses.... we're still not quite sure how that works.
- If you repeat things you read here in Baltimore, you will experience a rectal tearing equivalent to being jailed at Riker's Island.
- The Wire was a television program filmed in Baltimore which made approximately 250,000 young affluent white teenagers proud to be in the shadow of one of the most violent cities of the union. The day after the show's premiere, virtually every young adult in the metro area with parents' making over $250,000 per year started sporting Baltimore 'gang wear' (i.e. plain white t-shirts fitting all the way down to the knee). The next day, every one of these children were either shot or turned into prostitutes working on North Avenue, the city's most famous tourist destination.
- Baltimore is also the home of the legenday Fever and Starscape raves where many nearby college students take part in rituals such as chewing on the bones of dead babies.
- Baltimore’s Johns Hopkins research facility, a school so irrelevant that it does not yet have an Uncyclopedia vanity page, is currently doing extensive research on the mystery that is cum. The researches, unfortunately, have been plagued by frequent STD infections.
- Baltimore is the Swimming capital of Maryland, or the east which would not be soon due to the fact 89% black people cant swim. The world's swimmer Michael Phelps lives here including also a hottest swimmer Katie Hoff lives here.
- Calculators indicate that it has been 00001 days since Ray Lewis has stabbed someone.
- Baltimore is also the name of that guy in the alley who puts things in my mouth.
- Becuase every home in Baltimore is boarded up, all residents are forced to sleep in make-shift homes made of the city's only abundant resource, corpses of drug dealers and women who talk back.
- The racial make-up of Baltimore City is 99.79% african-american (the remaining 0.21% are the lazy, filthy Dutch). On the Awesome Scale® of 1 to 100, 100 being the best, Baltimore ranks a 97 in the "Envied by white kids from Howard County" factor. Other ratings for Baltimore are: "Origination of ghetto slang non-sense" - 98, "Chance that white people will drop in and say hi" - 6, "Chances that the Orioles will ever stop sucking" - Negative 1,048,686,709,400,001, "Odds that Marty Bass will regain his crown as Emperor of Baltimore and proclaim that bald men are sexy and Sally Thorner is an old biyatch" - 86. "Chances that the bay will ever be clean"- negitive yourmom.
- To honor the world's Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps, all of Interstate 70 is named Michael Phelps Expressway and the Baltimore-Washington International Airport is renamed to Michael Phelps International Airport.
Baltimore has never beaten the city of Shittsburgh in any big game/series situation.
1971 World Series: Ass Pirates over the Orioles
1979 World Series: Ass Pirates over the Orioles
1976 NFL Playoffs
2001-2002 NFL Playoffs
Baltimore suffers an identity crisis as it is always overlooked by its more famous neighbor, Washington D.C.. Baltimore-Washington International Airport aka Phelps Int'l Airport code BWI means Boating While Intoxicated.
[edit] See Also
| Maryland Cities and Towns |
| Aberdeen | Annapolis | Baltimore | Bethesda | Bowie | College Park | Columbia | Cumberland | Frederick | Gaithersburg | Germantown | Greenbelt | Hagerstown | Laurel | North Potomac | Ocean City | Olney | Potomac | Rockville | Salisbury | Silver Spring | Takoma Park | Waldorf |Westminster |
