Why?:Take Stimulus Recovery Money to Ruin your company and give Executives a Big Bonus?
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You run a bank, automobile maker, insurance company, or some other big business worth billions but you are too stupid to have your company turn a profit. But an agent of hope and change is elected as President and people call him The Messiah because he is giving out free money in the sums of trillions to big companies like yours, because you are "too big to fail" and deserve some Bailout Money to save your company.
Well this is no picnic for me either busters, you tell your shareholders. You promise that next quarter there is going to be a profit, and that everyone will receive bonuses.
By why should you save your company and fix the economy as well, when that nice man in office wrote you a check for billions of dollars?
A good question and I am glad you asked, you see, as your accountant I have figured out that you can make more money from a failed company than a successful one. It is very simple in fact, so simple that it has been thought of before by Citi Group, MCI, Enron, Bank of America, A.I.G., General Electric, General Motors, etc. Your Lawyers will agree with me, heck Mel Brooks wrote a movie about it called "The Producers".
Anyway what you do is you take the "stimulus recovery check", muahahahaha, and you write about $165M in bonuses to your executives as they wildly downsize the company and terminate their employees' jobs, all the while you as CEO funnel the billions into a few Cayman Island, and Swiss Bank accounts which giving me your accountant, and your lawyers, a cut so that we don't turn states evidence on you so that you go to jail, and we can escape with you out of the USA so we all don't get caught.
As they said in Rome "Screw the poor!", right before it collapsed. Your lawyers and I suggest you do the same thing to the US Citizens, your employees, and all of the people who hold stock in the company. But wait, before you do it, sell off a majority of your own stock after announcing there will be a profit next quarter. That will net you even more money, haha! See, we are all financial geniuses and everyone else is a dumbass!
Ruin your corporate headquarters, steal everything worth value and leave the building in ruins. Make sure that you ransack it completely after the employees and security guards are properly fired and cannot stop you. Blame it on rioters who got upset that your business failed, lead by some disgruntled ex-employees who got fired for surfing porn on the Internet during company time.
Sure they will hate you after you do that, but don't they already hate you anyway? Them American liberals are anti-business and want you to fail anyway, why not go out with a big bang and take the billions with us as the company fails, and gets bought out by another big company who can then start the whole cycle over again? It is, after all, your patriotic duty as a Capitalist Pig to get greedy and take as much money with you as possible while ruining the big company you are responsible for. Sure you'll even make the Conservatives mad because they invested start-up money in your company and had billions of dollars worth of shares. So you'll be upsetting both the left and right with this move. But we'll buy our own island in the Caribbean somewhere and live the rest of our lives as Kings, under assumed names, so they'll never catch us.
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- HowTo:Be a Hypocritical Liberal
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