Barbie
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“If Barbie is so motherfuckin popular, why do you have to buy her motherfuckin friends?”
~ Samuel L Jackson on Barbie
“I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World”
~ Aquaman
“Barbie is a Bitch, she is just a witch!”
~ Garrets on Barbie
“I really hate her, why does Ken date her?”
~ Raoul on Barbie
“I'm an Ugly Girl, my face makes you hurl.”
~ Meg Griffin on Barbie
“No one love pink more than I!”
~ Barbie on Pink
“Barbie, would you like to discover what scissoring is?”
~ Woman's Fast Pitch Midge on Barbie
“Dat Barbie be one stuck up Ho!”
~ Bratz Dolls on Barbie
“I aspire to be Barbie”
~ Ann Coulter on Barbie
“If Barbie is so popular, how come you have to buy all her friends?”
~ Me on Barbie
“EEE! EEE! Clap! Clap!”
~ Someone on Barbie
“In Communist Russia, Barbies plays with YOU!!!.”
~ Russian on Barbie
“And in Communist Prussia, Barbies takes YOUR clothes off, then stares at YOUR plastic crotch, disappointed in YOUR lack of genitalia!!!”
~ Prussian on Barbie
“Barbie is a great football player, she just plays great football, awesome football”
~ John Madden on Barbie
“Girls don't play football, moron”
~ Oscar Wilde on The above quote
“They do when the girls are lesbian hos, like Barbie!!OOOH!BURNED!”
~ PMSing Bratz Dolls on The above quote and Barbie
“That fucking bitch stole my boyfriend.”
~ Action Man on Barbie stealing Ken from him
“Oh these little things, they drew my carrier out for me. And my sk**t too. mhmmmm barbie girls...F*CK Ken!”
~ Hugh Heffner on Barbies
Barbie was the everygirl toy doll manufactured by Mattel and is quite possible the most popular doll ever with little girls and attorneys from 1956-2374. Girls from the age of 5 through menopause love Barbie because of her fashion sense, and because her physical charecteristics are unattainable with bullimia or anorexia nervosa and thus lead girls to come to have bad body images. Attorneies love Barbie because of all the patent infringment litigation and the money that rakes into their coffers.
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[edit] Early History
Barbie's roots date to Gina Red Barbera, a very popular german toy, was invented by Hanna-Barbera and former Gestapo Hauptsturmführer Klaus Barbie in 1959.
Klaus Barbie had previously earned a considerable fortune performing at sideshows as "Klauschen, The Worlds Tiniest Nazi Midget", and most of this money went into the creation of the first line of Barbie dolls. "I zimply vanted somethink in my own size to cuddle vith" the diminutive Klaus would later tell his biographers.
When Barbera died, Klaus changed the name of the doll to Just Barbie, a cheers to his little self.
Currently, Hasbro owns the rights to the dolls, as well as the D&D range, and are making versions of the dolls to be used as figures in the games. The new range includes:
- Can't Commit Ken
- Women's Fast Pitch Midge
- Tweaked Up Skipper
- Afro Power Midge
- Liposuction Barbie
[edit] Crossovers
“There's no nudity! This game sucks as much as every other Barbie game ever made!”
In 1997, Hasbro coupled with the electronic-death giant Sony to create the crossover videogame, Barbie in Doom. The massively unpopular first-person shooter is credited with single-handedly causing the collapse of Sony and the subsequent surrender of it United States to the country of Estonia.
The only copy of Barbie in Doom known not to have been destroyed has been encased in an arcade-game box and is held in a maximum-security wing of the University of The North Pole. Viewing hours pending.
[edit] Other Nefarious Dealings
Hasbro also rigged her election in 1950 A.D. when she ran for president. She became the 19th United States President. She currently resides in the town of Peru, Illinois.
[edit] Facts about Barbie
A very popular plastic toy which is often collected by young girls or dirty, old men.
The original Ken doll was taken off the market after the Bored Housewives Association deemed it unsuitable for impressionable girls. It has since been replaced by the new Ken, who comes with six-pack and beer gut.
In a recent interview with salacious gossip tabloid The New York Times, Barbie denied any romantic involvement with GI Joe, insisting that her heart belongs to paunchy but realistic Ken, asking that this be an example to her fans and their five year old daughters.
In 2004 Barbie appeared on the game show Jeopardy and lost $1145. She did however beat fellow contestants George W. Bush and Sean Connery...but Connery fucked Barbie's mom after that.
In 1982 Barbie was diagnosed with the mental disease called penisalota which was caused by Barbie being sexually assulted with cactuses and other random objects by her father. This lead to Barbie taking up the profession of being an escort. Barbie would take random people of any gender out to dinner for the cost of $1000 and an extra $2000 for whatever happened after which would typically end up with hot cheese being poured over her ass and the customer would lick the cheese off. "Oh baby lick the cheese off my ass"-Barbie. soon after in 1990 Ken found out about her "career" he cheated on her with his 3rd cousin twice removed and broke up with Barbie. After Barbies career as an escort ended she was diagnosed with the std shpiagonnaherpalitis and suckadickitis of the throat, ass, and mouth. "I got clamidia nigga nigga"...peter(you ass wipe). Soon after the doctors diagnosed her, Barbie got into the terrible world of a drug addict which started her downhill slide. In 2000 Barbie's vagina rotted and fell off due to her illnesses and she had no choice but to get surgery. Thats why Barbie was taken off the shelves and re-released as a new improved plastic Barbie instead of the original ruber Barbie.
Sadly, Barbie died on July 7th 2009 from an overdose on cocaine, heroine, and twinkies. The autopsy revealed that barbie had been a hardcore druggie, struggling with a twinkie addiction, bulemia, and hardcore music. although the music didnt kill her, the heroine surly did...stupid bitch tits.
[edit] Barbie Club
There is an exclusive Barbie club which, while having a large following, has only two actual members, one of whom is the notorious Rasta Jesus. The other is surprisingly none other than Squirtle of Pokemon fame, whose vast appetite for pornography caused him to join in the hope that he would be surrounded by prepubescent girls.
[edit] Barbie Censorship
Speaking Barbies can no longer speak since erotic barbie in the late 70's who was said to say, "Oh Ken, what a big porker you have there," while pressing her lower region.
[edit] More To Love Barbie: Jenny Craig Edition doll
The torso of this special edition Barbie has a synthetic jelly pumped into the outside layer. It comes with a Jenny Craig diet book and Jenny Craig food. You have to feed the doll the Jenny Craig food and make it exercise on the treadmill at Jenny Craig home gym. If you don't feed the doll Jenny Craig food it stretches and gets bigger until it bursts.
The "Life Size Boob Job Barbie" that came with inflatable breasts has been recalled after the breasts have popped and several children were blinded.
[edit] Physical Attributes
Traditionally, Barbie dolls were always emaciated with small feet. This is because Barbie dolls have always been tortured. Hasbro intended for teenage girls to have fun mashing Barbie dolls in blenders, decapitating the dolls, rubbing Spandex and eggs on the dolls, feeding them to the household pet, and ejaculating on them. After all, the more dolls destroyed-ah, the more moolah made-ah!
Barbie is notorious for her apparent lack of nipples and female genitalia. The proportions of her body are also such that if she were a real human woman, she would die of massive bone breakage and internal hemorrhaging before taking three steps. This has lead many critics to postulate that Barbie is in fact based on a failed experiment to cross human and alien DNA.
[edit] Cheap Ho' Barbie
As part of the 500th Anniversary of the creation of Barbie a collection of "special" Barbies were created, the most popular been the Cheap Ho' (released in the UK as "Slapper" or Chav Barbie) Barbie. The doll was released in a double pack, with an additional Ken figure, released as Colombian (Released in UK as "Manchester") Ken.
[edit] Barbie Additional Features
- Realistic "gripping" Thighs
- Y-shaped leg hinges
- Three "authentic" holes
- Touch-activated snatch including - "Uuuuughhh", "That feels so good, baby", "50 dorra, me ruv you long time", "Yesyesyesyes YESSSSS!!!!", "Talk to me!", and "I love to fuck!"
- Fart and burp tones with extra ones downloadable, extra software installable through USB socket in the rear.
- Ballistics gel (.Y.) if you know what I mean.
- Catfight Mode (can be set manually, automatic on detection of a Sindy Doll) and Falling Down Drunk Mode.
[edit] Ken Additional Features
- Bitchslapping Action
- Pimpslapping Action
- Realistic vocalisation including - "I'm gonna cut you good" and "Who's your daddy, now, bitch?"
- "She's not worth it mode" - in response to Barbie going into Catfight Mode, alternative vocalisations include "Just sit on the bitch, Barbie!", "Grab her hair", "Fuck her up good!" and "Whoa, you whooped her ass good!".
[edit] Related Mechandise
A selection of items were released as part of the Cheap Ho' range, including the Colombian Ken Pimp Mobile, Alleyway Diarama Set and a range or related clothing accessories.
[edit] Australian Barbie
The Australian Barbie is slang for "burning sausages". Currently this method is used by all top quality chefs (Australian standards) all over Australia. Notorious for giving very good blowjobs.
[edit] Method
The method involves putting some snags onto the the BBQ and letting them sit there for at least an hour. During this hour you are required to talk to your "mates" about football, beer and women. During this conversation you should include these phrases: "Yeah, mate" or "G'day".
See also: girls.
[edit] Parveen Barbie
Dances and sings in Hindi. In response to Amitabh Bachchan in films on tv and in cinema says Let's do it big boy.
[edit] Failed Barbies
Through history barbies have been known to be popular to down right dangerous. Several times barbies have been removed from the shelves for being, A) Dangerous, B) Unsuitable, and/or C) Actually nonexistent.
Here's a few examples of failed barbies:
- Snow Ho Barbie - Reason for failure: B) Nobody wanted her for Christmas
- Barb-Wire Barbie - Reason for failure: A) Emos were using the sharp edges for self-mutilation
- Let's Talk About Sex Barbie - Reason for failure: B) Intended as a Sex-Ed prop but the only market was, unfortunately, teenage males
- Imaginary Friend Barbie - Reason for failure: C) The fact it didn't exist didn't stop it from being a huge hit because the kids in the 70's were coked out of their minds
- Vibrating Barbie - Reason for failure: A) Lasted a long time because girls LOVED it, especially teenagers
- Trailer Tranny Barbie - Reason for failure: A) The box said living as a hooker is fun and is a religious service to the community
- The Crying Game Barbie - Reason for failure: B) Deeply disturbing and poorly-researched movie tie-in
- The Neocon Governor of Alaska and Vice Presidential candidate Barbie: A) Though cute, most people saw it as a dodgy imitation and bought a Black Jesus action figure instead.
- Prostitute Barbie - Reason for failure: C) Barbie already is a whore.
- CRACK BARBIE- A) was smoked too much
- The Larry King Barbie- Reason for failure: B) "unpopular"
- The Obese Barbie- Reason for failure: B) "Promoted unhealthy eating habits and sedentary lifestyle"
- The Psycho Killer Barbie- Reason for failure: A) "knifing action"
- Call Center Barbie - B) "Bo-r-ring!"
[edit] Fights and Feuds
Barbie has had a number of high-profile fights with perennial rival Sindy over the years, mainly at toy conventions. One such incident featured Barbie straddling Sindy's chest reigning down blows on her before being pulled away by Action Man. After a number of years, this lead to special WCW and WWF "Barbie vs Sindy" events and the launch of the Barbie & Sindy wrestling ring and more recently a cage for Total Scrag Fighting.
