Barbie doll worship
Barbie doll worship is a very serious problem in today's society. In fact, just about every fifteen seconds, another child in the world succumbs to Barbie doll worship. Today, the plastic idol of evil has about 11.8 million followers between the ages of 15 and 24 alone! What can you do to help?
Give me 1 million dollars! Learn all you can about this dangerous and nefarious little creature and, whatever you do, DON'T DRINK THE KOOL AID!
Barbie was originally conceived in 1959 by NASA for the then-prominent "space race" against the Soviet Union. The original idea was that since under Stalin's regime, the people were oppressed, the Barbie doll's flawless physique (her original design had breasts proportionately equal to 36L) would distract them from launching anything until after the staging of the Apollo 11 landing. This secret project was outsourced to Mattel, who simultaneously produced it in the USA as Barbie. The Russian model was given no name and those found masturbating to it were promptly shot by Big Brother. In 1971 Nixon
Administration resurrected the plan to draw the public into a state of unaware shallowness and allow him to not be a crook. However, due to the intense public watchfulness, in addition to the intense use of hallucinogenic uppers by children and adults alike, its effectiveness was limited. The project was sidelined and largely forgotten, but in the 1980s Mattel CEO Satan found the plans, tweaked the proportions, and once again sold it to millions of eager young girls.
It has been reported that Sally Mallencamp, a 13 year old from Albany, New York sold one of her Barbies on Ebay for $500 when it was noted that she masterbated with it over a hundred times.
Barbie's perfect dimensions have long been derided as "unrealistic" by feminists and "not as realistic as we'd like them to be" by the previously mentioned Soviets. In the case of Mattel CEO of the 1990s Rupert Murdoch, it was the latter that was taken into account. According to him, the big three dolls they were selling at the time (Girl Next Door Barbie, Barbie [the original], and Mommy-not-Me Barbie [credited by multiple sources with the creation of series such as "The Hills", "Laguna Beach", and "Barney".]) were not edgy enough and thus set out to create the edgiest doll yet to be produced, the Bikini Barbie. He decided he wanted them to be "as realistic as possible" and thus set out to find a runway model perfectly suited to be suited and photographed by the doll's designers. Whatever his intentions were, they were not met, as Sinéad O'Connor was chosen as the model. In blatant disregard to the public's negative image of her, as well as her less than perfect figure, the incident caused uproar, culminating in the cancellation of the original Bikini Barbie plan and Rupert Murdoch's apology "I . . . agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project." In response, O'Connor posted a YouTube video of herself tearing up his picture while shouting "Fight the real enemy". Oddly, this video was posted over a decade after the initial incident had ended.
How to Help
Now, one of the only things one can do is hope for this to come to an end. Multiple cures have been proposed, from the barbaric Final Solution proposed by Heinrich Ipswich Torokos Lakas Enrik Relasasos of [name of USSR country withheld by government for purposes of being top secret and such] (his parents had ADHD and frequently got sidetracked while dictating to the courts for the birth certificate) to the relatively cunning plan of simply killing every Barbie doll proposed by Franklin Jones of the United States. This has become a hot button issue in multiple political parties, dividing the Democrats and the Republicans in a concrete way, wherein most Democrats preach of the Barbie problem when what they know isn't even up to par with what this article does, whereas the Republicans refuse to speak of it because they know that they know nothing of it. It's unsure which is the greater evil. In the meantime, buy Paul Newman stuff. Especially on December 1st. And the 25th. Jesus would like that.