Barista

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http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa226/sherri19732007/FReak.jpg

Batista enthusiastically serves coffee at a small shop in New York.

Baristas are often emotionless and highly logical humanoid aliens paid minimum wage to make substandard coffee in Starbucks. Often, Baristas will avoid eye contact and say very little. However, most Baristas are highly all-knowing, and when questioned, will have an answer to nearly anything. Most Baristas like taking steroids, because of this most Baristas are found in pharmacy's.Baristas often smell like fish because they had never taken a shower before in their lives.

Barista, the animal has also appeared on many annoying zoo commercials all around the world, and has furiously demanded for being kept in a steel cage, which he calls his home. He is currently the roommate of Bonesaw, in another steel cage.

Barista Traits[edit]

Batista with Orton on top.

Baristas are generally either exceptionally good at what they do or are an exception to the rule and become logical and emotionless. Baristas also have an instinctive hatred for basketballs and ring ropes, the former being incapable of holding grudges (which infuriates the Barista for unknown reasons) and the latter is often violently shook by the Barista during matches.

  • David Batista is a Barista. (also once called Deacon Bautista)
  • "Big" Dave Barista's hobbies include serving up cans of coffee and whoop-ass. Unfortunately for his enemies, he does not "whoop-ass" with his arms or legs
  • "Big" Dave Barista holds one victory over Booker T (and he also holds a 'victory' over Sharmell if you know what i mean)- who let him win out of pity - he has been slapped like a ho by King Booker so often that he now has an imprint on his cheek King Booker has also created another imprint on "Big" Dave Barista's left buttcheek.
  • "Big" Dave Barista has not had a bowel movement in twelve years.
  • "Big" Dave Barista has a song at the top of the South Africa pop charts. "You go there to go there and then you go, momma."
  • "Big" Dave Barista is called the "Animal" for his fondness of raping horses with his Ken Doll and sleeping in his own filth on the floor of a barn.
  • "Big" Dave Barista caused a rush at all bathrooms as over 80,000 people all decided to take a massive power shit in honor of Barista's career. 47 people were killed; afterward, they were resurrected by the greatness of the Undertaker.
  • "Big" Dave Barista is rumored to only be in the WWE for the women....we know better. (He only likes the guys!)
  • "Big" Barista currently has 762 career home runs. His record breaking home run was voted by fans to be launched up his ass.
  • "Big" Barista once pulled his hamstring by picking up a phone call from Vinny Mac. As a result, he was forced to vacate his world title.
  • "Big" Dave Barista has AIDS from kissing Rebecca DiPietro, the whore...("the whore" can apply to either Dave OR Rebecca, both are legitimate whores...)
  • "Big Dave Barista nearly failed to outfart Michael Moore even with the help of steroids.
  • "Big" Dave Barista is the mascot and representative of the San Francisco Steroid Giants.
  • "Big" Dave Barista was actually a retarded, wild creature that took form of a overly-muscular, yet even more retarded retard then called itself the animal.
  • "Big" Dave Barista is known world-wide for his daily over dosage of steroids.(He doesn't even open the container! He eats the container, too!)
  • "Big" Dave Barista has a gay friend called Amanda Hugnkiss. He says they're just friends.
  • "Big" Dave Barista was previosly in a relationship with David Crosby but it ended when Paul Bearer & Abdullah the Butcher smothred him with his ass.
  • "Big" Dave Barista is known to be very persuasive and can be given a World Heavyweight Championship rematch simply by having his music play.
  • In response to Michael Phelps eight Olympic gold medals, an elated Dave Barista said, "I'd like to pick him [Phelps] out of the fissures of my ass."

Should Barista Have Infinite Rematches for the World Heavyweight Championship?[edit]

Don't worry, folks, its not nearby.

This is a much heated debate among wrestling fans. Frankly though, the WWE doesn't give a shit if it's highly debated amongst the fans, because Vinnie Mac knows that his brainless legion of fans will still buy his product even if it's just two guys arguing between each other for an hour on who will be the #1 contender for the world title. In fans' (Vince's) eyes, absolutely because that's his title and come this Sunday (this applies to every Sunday, even if there isn't a PPV that Sunday), he'll be needing it back. Barista will keep challenging for the World Title and be given a title match just for demanding it (or beating a jobber). Once Barista does win the World Heavyweight Title (which will take many tries and him having to go Super Saiyan), he'll probably lose it within a week or will be forced to vacate the title because he'll probably take too many steroids and become even more retarded than usual; in which the process will start all over again.

Barista's sweetest smile ever.

http://www.fullmetalwrestling.com/downloads/fullmetalwrestling-batista01.jpg

Barista is a fucking piece of shit!!! Who takes steroids.

Controversy of Inclusion in WWE Hall of Fame[edit]

There has been much debate over the past decade of whether "Big" Dave Barista should be in the WWE Hall of Fame. There are those marks that believe that Barista should get in because he's so dominant. Then, there are the rest of the fans that know that Barista can't wrestle and only gets wins/title shots because of his steroid-loving fame. The former, unfortunately, follows Barista blindly; for example, when several wrestlers were caught in a sting operation (all they did was open the door to the locker room), the marks believed Barista when in an interview he said he doesn't "do steroids no more". Of course this was a WWE edited remark, since in the interview posted on YouTube Barista says "Look guys. I don't do steroids no more, but I don't do them no less" before eating a whole container of steroids and riding off on one of his man-whores. Then again, looking at some of the wrestlers inducted into the HOF, one can't help but point out all the other steroid freaks in there. *cough*Hulk Hogan*cough*

Some of the non-marks also believe that Barista's IQ is too damn low to be in the Hall of Fame. Many question whether he can even get to the HOF in the first place, much less give a speech. Despite all of the advances in medical science and best writers Vince McMahon's cock can take, Barista still manages to give worse promos than Mark Henry, so a speech seems like it would be out of the question. Then again there are others who point out that "Big" Dave doesn't need to give a speech, he can just be given a World Heavyweight Title match and wrestle for it on the spot, as a replacement for his speech.

“He probably will get into the hall of fame but after about a week or so, people will forget that it ever happened.”

~ WWE on Remembering the greats in the Hall of Fame

The Story of Barista[edit]

Dave Barista once won a world title. Got his ass kicked by a door, and lost the title. He later won the title but lost it to King Booker. This caused Barista to go Batfuck Insane and storm to the ring the next week and go, "Congratulations, I want my rematch." He received his rematch, lost, bitched, pissed, moaned, got another rematch, bitched, pissed, moaned and this went on until he won it again and lost it shortly after. He stormed to the ring the next week and say, "Congratulations, I want my rematch." He received his rematch, lost, bitched, pissed, moaned, got another rematch, bitched, pissed, moaned and this went on until he won it again and lost it shortly after. He stormed to the ring the next week and say , "Congratulations, I want my rematch." He received his rematch, lost, bitched, pissed, moaned, got another rematch, bitched, pissed, moaned and this went on until he won it again and lost it shortly after. He stormed to the ring the next week and say , "Congratulations, I want my rematch." He received his rematch, lost, bitched, pissed, moaned, got another rematch, bitched, pissed, moaned and this went on until he won it again and lost it shortly after. He stormed to the ring the next week and say , "Congratulations, I want my rematch." He received his rematch, lost, bitched, pissed, moaned, got another rematch, bitched, pissed, moaned and this went on until he won it again and lost it shortly after. He stormed to the ring the next week and say , "Congratulations, I want my rematch." He received his rematch, lost, bitched, pissed, moaned, got another rematch, bitched, pissed, moaned and this went on until he won it again and lost it shortly after. He stormed to the ring the next week and say , "Congratulations, I want my rematch." He received his rematch, lost, bitched, pissed, moaned, got another rematch, bitched, pissed, moaned and this went on until he won it again and lost it shortly after. He stormed to the ring the next week and say , "Congratulations, I want my rematch." He received his rematch, lost, bitched, pissed, moaned, got another rematch, bitched, pissed, moaned and this went on until he won it again and lost it shortly after. He stormed to the ring the next week and say , "Congratulations, I want my rematch." He received his rematch, lost, bitched, pissed, moaned, got another rematch, bitched, pissed, moaned and this went on until he won it again and lost it shortly after. He stormed to the ring the next week and say , "Congratulations, I want my rematch." He received his rematch, lost, bitched, pissed, moaned, got another rematch, bitched, pissed, moaned finally lost his privilege to bitch anymore.

Some People that "Big" Dave Barista has Beaten[edit]

  • Hulk. That damned Hulk has got to be on steroids! i barely beat him! -EVEN WITH MY OWN STEROIDS!!!
  • Eric Bishoff's nephew Eugene in an I.Q. test by -100 points.
  • The one legged wrestler Zach Gowen in an ass-kicking contest (and just barely)
  • Colin Delaney (w/ the help of Mark Henry Microsoft's Slowest Man)
  • Disco Inferno II
  • Mikey "Red Cherry" Whipwreck
  • Pal Penis
  • Dolph Ziggler
  • Munaki
  • Random Jobber #829
  • john Chena who changed his name to john weiner in the match. Weiner had actually beat him with a pinfall but Barista still won anyway.
  • CP Munk in a "Beer Drinking Contest"
  • Santino Marella in a Spelling Bee
  • Haas Benoit (Charlie Haas dressed as "That guy that never existed in the first place")

Dave/Warrior Campaign 2008[edit]

With his well-noted hatred for the top rope of every wrestling ring in focus, Batista started a political campaign in 2008 to stop the repression and confinement of the rope. The campaign does not have a set name, since Dave can't remember if his name is Batista, Bautisa, Barista, Bapatista, or Sally. Former wrestler and fellow angry ass that can't remember his name Jim Helwig...I mean, Warrior...er...Ultimate Warrior has signed on to the campaign to rid the world of the ever-present top rope. The main selling point of their plan is to rip that fucker clean off. Efforts so far have proven fruitless, despite Warrior's early attempts to tear the rope down some time before Batista was old enough to abuse steroids. That weak bastard. The two spread their message before matches, before finishing moves, and before attacking homosexuals.

The Big Show and Great Khali have signed on to the opposing camp, "Rope/Is A Ring Rope Really Running For Office? Oh Well, It's Probably Our Best Choice This Year '08." They claim that without the third rope, there is nothing for them to scratch their balls against before destroying their opponents.

Additional Resources[edit]


Too Hyper[edit]

While "Big" Dave Batista shakes the ropes in the wrassling ring, he trys too shit himself BATISTA IS A RETARD!!! OH MAH GAWD!!!! NOW HE'S TRYIN TO SHIT HIMSELF!!!!! HERE LIVE!!!! ONLY ON SMACKDOWN!!!!!! no he's just constipated! thats all better!


why are you still here?


go away!


don't you have any friends?


apparently not


leave already!


Seriously? you're still here?


Just forget it!