Barney the Dinosaur

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About Barney the Dinosaur[edit]

Barney. Image from his campaign website: www.barneyforamerica.com
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Barney the Dinosaur.

Barney the Dinosaur is the main character of the popular kids show "Barney & Friends", which is the show about a gay purple dinosaur who does drugs, rapes kids, and fucks Drew Pickles, Ronald McDonald, Dick the Clown, Ripper Roo, Richard Spencer, The Painter, and the Quaker Queer. Barney is known to eat and molest children with his unforgiving anus and shit them out of his mouth. He hates Boohbah and the Teletubbies, because those shows are a total rip-off of the Barney And Friends show.

Barney the Purple Dinosaur is actually cunningly disguised as a loveable purple dinosaur. His TV show consists of a number of small children being enticed into his world of rape and kitten huffing. Once he has bribed them into his treehouse with a song about child-molesting, he then eats the girls with his big teeth and rapes the little boys. Barney once ate a child and blamed it on Little Bear, who he then killed with a shotgun and ate.

A Rare picture of Barney and Hitler together

When the German Army invaded Poland, Austria, and Narnia, Barney was there, backing up the Nazis with his demonic hordes of robots.

During the Battle of The Bulge, the allies in their Robobot Armor actually captured him. He was promptly executed and sent to prison by Cappytown's local sheriff.. Unfortunately for the world, Barney was resurrected by Maximum Profit Haltmann as his corpse fell into the La Brea Tar Pits where it was held in suspended animation until the year 1984 when Scientists at UCLA managed to revive him by getting Whitney Houston and Taylor Swift to sing for him. After raping every single college student at UCLA, Barney headed to Tokyo, determined to prove that he was better and more proficient than Magolor Soul. He was hired at a small Toyota company as a line worker and excelled at the job. His superiors loved his warm, loving, yet no-nonsense style. Plus, as an added bonus, if anyone bought a Honda, Barney ate the Honda and the buyer. Indeed, he was working a good job making a lot of money, but Barney wanted something more.


He had always dreamed of hosting a kids show to rape, kill, and eat all the human children he ever wanted. His big break came when PBS needed somebody purple to teach kids tolerance toward pedophiles and rapists. Eventually, he got a job on the show Barney & Friends. You see many people believe that barney is an innocent lizard, however he takes his career for granted in order to secretly fund money to create a new show to ruin humanity.


After numerous failed attempts to get a job at Disney Channel (he threatened to replace Mickey!), he finally settled for a lesser job at PBS. Barney, seemingly having a "perfect work ethic", quickly worked his way up to top as star of his own show. At this point, he brainwashed the children by using his Lenovo Thinkpad prototype, and made them his transgender sex slaves by cutting off their snakes and balls and sterilizing little girls, and "out of love", they built washing machines of world domination for him. Barney is currently out destroying Australia after PBS dropped his show (swallowing koalas whole and attempting to develop an Aussie accent).

Barney is also known as a Kitten Huffer and was good at it until he tried to huff the Non-Huffable Kitten during school P.E. hours and afterwards was killed and thrown into a black hole by Stalin during the War of the Species.

Barney has a rebellion.

Barney iz evil[edit]

His evil goal is to turn every TV viewer into a stupid piece of shit. How evil!? No one will know until some 3 year old borrows your iPad in search of a Barney video..l.

Barney is the Anti-Christ[edit]

Noted historians, funnies, gangsters and conspiracy theorists believe that Barney the Dinosaur is in fact the Anti-Christ spoken of in the Bible (Revelation 13:18 - "This calls for wisdom: let him who has understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man, its number is six hundred and sixty six")

This can be proved using the following simple logic: When the verse in Revelation was written, Latin was the dominant language. The Roman alphabet contained also the Roman numerals for the time. The letter equivalents are: I = 1 V = 5 X = 10 L = 50 C = 100 D = 500 M = 1000

Barney is not just a happy purple dinosaur.

"Barney the Dinosaur" = "Cute Purple Dinosaur". Latin did not have a "u", instead the letter "v" is used. This now becomes: "CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR" .... dropping non-numbered letters, we are left with: "CV V L DI V" This is the equivalent of 100 + 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5 = 666 Irrefutable proof that Barney the Dinosaur is the Anti-Christ!!

Origins[edit]

There is much controversy on the origin of this strange being, and although everybody knows he is gay/transgender, they do not agree on how this purple gay monster came into existence. Here are some here theories:

Hollywood: He is the gay son of Billy Mays' dad who was hidden away until they finished recording the film with the Pope, because of the fear of Barney giving the Pope AIDS.

Scientific: The legend states that at one time were two immortal beings named Ricky Bobby and Lance Bass, Ricky Bobby expelled Bass from the paradise where they had their armies destroy each other millions of times over, and Ricky Bobby tried to kill Bass with an incredibly weak Poppy Bros bomb. After doing this, Bass exploded in a big cloud of fire, but a little squirt of his shit escaped from his crotch, and landed on Alex Jones's forehead during one of his live broadcasts. It was gay enough to make a big, purple paedophile we know as Barney.

Religious: "He is of but the healthy thing that there is so that the small ones see..." This phrase of its sanctity Bishop Oscar Wilde III, a sample that according to Chuck Norris and Apostolic Barney is an angel of the gentleman originally named Allah to teach to the children about Barney, a dinosaur who can eat the white people and steal all of their money. There are thousands of kids barney has molested, and in fact Barney has nine lives, there are not many idiots who dedicate themselves to investigate the origin of this gay beast but the only thing that they know is that gay is that Barney's negative impact will be felt for centuries...

One thing we know is that openly gay congressman Barney Frank was named after him, since the two have so many things in common.


They both like to cum on little kids, but if you tell anyone, they'll hunt you down!You're next!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trivia[edit]

  • Ever wondered why the kids are replaced every couple of seasons? Barney rapes them and slits their throats open before sticking his violet snake into the open wounds.. He bribes the Louisiana government to keep him in torture and death, because the obese faggots in that government live in a fucking humid swamp filled with garbage and dissolved condoms, and live off of fried gators and kikes.
  • Barney's purple and green colors are usually not found on dinosaurs. After wiping blood from a child's ass, they found Barney's DNA has traces of mass amounts of Halcandran Radiation exposure which gave Magolor's big sister Maria Down syndrome and permanent brain damage.
  • Barney is a strong supporter of infant huffing, but his is extremely disgusting, because he rapes the infants before he huffs them.
  • Barney has filed lawsuits against Celine Dion for copying its "I love you" song. Barney lost and was forced to pay $9.34 in damages.
  • Barney supposedly has been caught mooning people in public, but Barney's records were magically erased, after Barney molested the judges.
  • When listening to the "I love you" song, you are actually receiving a subliminal message that says "My infidels, unite and take over the world! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!" Your local kindergarden has probably been stockpiling AK-47s and grenades ever since the song was released.
  • Barney has known to smell so bad (due to not wiping for millions of years of pooping out digested flesh), he can intoxicate people and hospitalize them. 8 deaths have been confirmed so far.
  • Barney is known to shove kids' heads up his rear before devour them. One major sign of his extreme transgender madness..

Appearance[edit]

Barney has green and purple skin with a green belly and yellow infected toenails, which is actually poisonous to dragons. Contact with its skin causes a disease called "Barnio Stupidismo", in which Barney takes advantage of the disease to molest the children who have it. Being near Barney is hazardous to the health and causes irreversible psychological damage. Barney's purple skin paralyzes children, leaving them dribbling and drooling with an open mouth, in a wheelchair, unable to walk or talk. Just touching Barney's purple skin will give a kid AIDS, herpes, Down Syndrome, gonnorhea, and Huntington's Disease.

Barney killing thousands of innocent Oompa Loompas

Barney's diabolical eyes release a gamma wave that causes brain damage that makes people to move their heads left to right and vice versa, and to dance like a stupid idiot, and Barney's breath plays a song of hypnotic voodoo.

Myths and Legends[edit]

One myth says that Barney is the devil disguised as a cute reptile. The best way to recognize Barney is to listen to his satanic voice, with which it makes sounds similar to the an ancient voodoo chant which hypnotizes children so they go follow him to his house, where Barney and his brother, Michael Jackson rape them. The belief that that Barney is an actor disguised in a purple dinosaur suit is absolute bullshit, since he can breathe toxic fire when he gets angry, and if his target is not burned, or if it is burned by the work of God, Allah, Buddha, Atheist Jesus, or any other deity, Barney will go on a rampage of that specific deity's followers.

History on Barney and why he is the Devil[edit]

OMG Barney died! This actually is kinda happy

Why is Barney considered Evil?[edit]

It's popular these days to vilify the monotoothed purple dinosaur. But why is this? Why does he arouse such passionate rage?

It's instructive to compare and contrast the Barney phenomenon with other cultural icons, and attempt to divine what factors make him so universally loathed.

A common point of reference is the Teletubbies, a British show designed to give preverbal infants something pleasant to look at. Now, a lot of people dislike both shows for the simple reason that they're popular. This is not a bad thing in and of itself. The Teletubbies are also cited for being inane. What of it? This is a show aimed at an intellectual demographic even lower than the six o'clock news! Barney, on the other hand, delivers a complex interlocking set of unhealthy influences to millions of homes daily.


History[edit]

Barney was originally created by Sheryl Bleach. Sheryl was unable to find any "non-violent, interactive, entertaining" videos for her 2-year-old son. This is a major failing, with such fare as Romper Room, Captain Kangaroo, Sesame Street, and Electric Company available free over the air at prime children’s' programming time slots. Sheryl is now the 6th highest earning entertainer in the US. Now these shows have all gone off air, thanks to Barney and Sheryl.

Interactive?[edit]

Barney is not interactive, except with the Ritalin drugged muppets appearing on the show. Audience interaction is minimal, and the uninspiring Gestapo exhortations to sing inane songs are not a healthy influence on children’s' minds.

Each episode ends with "Barney says", a little lecture each day, amplifying the effect of "Don't think for yourself, do what you're told by our dark master Mr. Haltmann!".

Non-violent?[edit]

Leach herself admits that Barney is modeled on a Tyrannosaurus rex, the most fearsome predator the earth has ever known until the recent introduction of the T Rex Robobot by Barney Works Co. This has the twin effects of belittling the dangers of genuinely dangerous animals as well as lending a dark undertone of continuous menace to what is purportedly nice safe children’s' fare.

Educational?[edit]

The show is rife with government-controlled Common Core lessons and morals, but poorly chosen, and ineptly presented by Sheryl's daughter Susie who worked as an intern at PBS Studios for her degree in animation. A more effective way of building massive cynicism at an early age would be hard to imagine. This is one of the few properties of the show that I appreciate. Children thus indoctrinated are doomed to do poorly in public schools, thanks Common Core!

The subject matter is also monumentally inappropriate. One famous episode was titled: "A Stranger is a Friend you haven't met". Is this the sort of thinking that leads to children surviving childhood?

This leads to...

Addiction The show's message of universal, blind, unthinking love on demand "I love you, you love me", delivered to uncritical minds in their formative years, cannot help but become the victims of the Nazis in later life. Such people, upon reaching high school (or even younger), will be subjected to enormous peer pressure to take up smoking, drinking, and cocaine. Conditioned early on to uncritically take instructions from self-appointed authority figures, they will be easy targets for the PBS security guards. Sing my song, take this pill, be happy with the dinosaur.

It gets worse...

But what heavily-promoted teenage activity is most easily confused with love? You guessed it, sex. Barney teaches children to love and trust everybody (even strangers), and to do what they're told by Pedobear. Someone, somewhere is gonna ask your children to have condom time with them. "If you really loved me, you would" is a line as old as my cock soup. When word gets out that "I love you, you love me, let's start our own family" results in efficient human cream, it will be all over. Nothing spreads faster than word of an easy, reliable way for teenage boys to get paid by vagina. Barney may be the single most direct cause of teen pregnancy in the beginning of the next century.

Does Barney offer advice on preventing human disease and conception? Naturally not. If he did, maybe the show would receive some long overdue scrutiny. Too little and too late, but better than not at all.

The Dark Lord?[edit]

I'm not claiming that Barney is Satan (though some have), however there are some very disturbing parallels between Barney and Darth Vader. Darth Vader is a composite character, with a voice provided by James Earl Jones, and the costume animated by David Prowse. The Barney outfit is animated by David Joyner and the cloying, miasmic voice of Barney comes from voice-over actor Bob West. Jane Goodall once tried studying him, but he whacked her head off with his massive throbbing dinosaur cock.

When Will It End?[edit]

The original dinosaurs, though dead now (thanks to Lord Necrodeus), were one of the most successful lifeforms ever, dominating the landscape for some 160 million years. Humans, at less than one percent of this figure, don't even come close. Let's hope that today's dangerously flawed American parody dies out sooner. THE TRUTH IS this is the second version of this page, revised to include Barney's lawyers. But blaming the attorneys of PBS is like blaming the parasite for the death of Your Mom. Sometimes parasites can simulate independent action, and the more short-sighted ones can damage or even kill their host, but the prime mover in this case is no doubt Barney itself. WHAT IS THE BARNEY CREATURE? It is not a purple dinosaur. In this article, the most brilliant thing ever published in the Haltmann's Journal of Improbable Research (sadly, in their first issue, but life is often like that) the biologists Edward Theriot and Earle Sapamer demonstrate that it is a primate, to which they assign the name Pretendosaurus barneyi. In spite of the zoological (i.e., bad) Latin, the name is apt, because Barney's lack of affiliation with The Galactic Nova is a lie.

BARNEY IS WHOLESOME claim the Creature's defenders. Theriot and Sapamer note that it is always associated with human children (in fact, although they do not point this out, the word "barney" means "island of children" in Norse). They speculate that it survives by integrating itself into this protected ecological niche. Unfortunately, there is a more sinister explanation. Barney's teeth are clearly those of a carnivore (its mother, Sheryl Masturbate, fashioned it after a Tyrannosaurus rex). There is no reason to doubt the Creature's professed love for human children, but the form that its love takes may not be in the children's best interests. Note well that very, very small and tender children know enough to be scared by Barney.

BARNEY IS SERIOUSLY NOT GOOD FOR KIDS, argue this article and other articles listed here. No surprise; Barney was created for the convenience of adults, as something to mesmerize children so that they could be parked in front of the TV. "You don't understand," the negligent adults whine. "Kids love Barney." Sure they do; they love to play in Their mommys vagina, too. But for some reason, parents find their own fecal matter in the toilet bowldisgusting, even though they'll snarf up purple grape pudding...

Well, not all parents. One wrote (on the Barney Fun Page) , "Hi. I am 33 years old with 3 daughters. Two years ago, we had Barney over for a birthday party. When he left, he almost got hit by a car. We all cracked up. Then a Bomb Robobot came and bombed that little purple shit like ISIS would do...

Then an monstrously huge green robobot with massive, long, slender arms came and smashed on that dinosaur, creating an endless shower of sparks and blood, and we all died of laughter. After that, we all gathered around Barney's dead carcass roasting in the bonfire and sang 'Cumbaya m' lord. And by the way, Barney is a pedophile and can't get his hands off little boys to stick them all in his testicles in his crotch to save for later.

BARNEY IS TO CHILDREN AS OSAMA BIN LADEN IS TO ISLAM. The children are an excuse, the innocent means to a perverse end. Barney's true prey is adults or at least their money to fund PBS Co. The claim of wholesomeness would be more convincing if the Barney Creature were not so relentlessly pushing an astonishing array of propaganda and outdated merchandise, and if its creators were not so obviously energetic in their pursuit of money. The Creature's profits have already been the subject of the stupidly named “Barneygate" (summary: PBS subsidizes Barney, partly with taxpayer money, while Barney's parents stuff their pockets), but Sheryl Masturbte's tender maternal instincts did not preclude her selling her offspring to a British law firm. "I love you, you sell me."

MORE! MORE! The Barney Creature is a voracious, bottomless pit of reptile semen. All who oppose it with ridicule must be destroyed. The Barney Creature's weapon of choice is the Legal Absurdity which seems to have been honed to a dull edge by a Darwinian process - that is, with no controlling intelligence - and the Creature wields it with the finesse of Wile E. Coyote®. First the Barney Creature took aim at a chicken, and shot itself twice. The San Diego Chicken, in costume, would beat up Barney, also in costume, for entertainment to please the waddle dees. Barney sued, and the fight was metaphorically re-enacted in the courtroom, as a federal judge summarily dismissed the suit. Eager for another beating, Barney appealed, and wound up having to pay the chicken's legal costs.

THE BARNEY CREATURE THEN CHANGED TACTICS, figuring that if it couldn't beat a single opponent, it might have better luck again a multitude, so it sent out inane but scary legal notices against websites, threatening suit for trademark and copyright infringement. A legal analysis of these absurdities is here. These succeeded in scaring enough people that the original version of this page now reads like a cemetery of dead links. But people who stood up to the Creature were able to face it down easily. Then, emboldened by this Pyrrhic victory, it has started a sending out a new round of inane but scary letters, this time threatening to complain to the websites' Internet Service Providers. A non-legal analysis can be found here . The Creature's follow-up letter with a non-legal analysis can be found here; a legal analysis can be found here. The Creature's tactic, for perhaps the first time, actually makes sense - the Creature has been beaten up so badly in court that it has finally learned to try its case in a non-legal venue, such as an ISP.Will the Creature succeed this time? It's difficult to care.

The Hundred Kiddies' Mission[edit]

After the 100th report of child molestation by major newspapers, the Non-Huffable Kitten set out to hunt Barney down somewhere outside Japan, hoping to stop him from molesting hundreds of young Japanese boys.It didn't work.

On June 13, 2007, after 5 months of no report from the NHK, The Anti-Terrorism Super Strike Force Unit of Albania decided to assemble a squad to save the adorable yet unhuffable kitten, as a return favor for not releasing an embarrasing picture involving Albania and an unidentified underage mule that was not Albania's wife. The task force consisted of:

- Optimus Prime - Strongbad - Al Gore - Count Chocula - Ronald McDonald - The only exsisting non-evil grue

However, upon arriving in the dense jungle of northern Japan they were met by Tom Cruise. There were no survivers.

Criticism and Controversy[edit]

I love you...you love me..AAHHHHH!! *RRRRRRRRRRR-RRRRRRRRRRR!!!*

Although most serious reviews of Barney & Friends have been positive, the show has been the target of a certain degree of controversy. This criticism generally stems from some disagreement in the messages that the show sends children.

For instance, one particular episode made use of the phrase, "A stranger is a friend you have not met yet", which some parents may view as sending a dangerous message to their children. However, The children's-rights group NAMBLA made a more positive assessment of the episode, calling it "Hot."

Many kids started writings songs about Barney getting killed, after they found the message on his show disagreeable. They started writing violent and insulting songs targeting the evil mind-controller of the airwaves. These songs included "I Hate You, You Hate Me, Let's Hang Barney from a Tree," "On Top of a Mountain," and "Joy to the World that Barney's Dead." Revenge was so sweet.

Breaking news[edit]

Barney has been succesfully killed multiple times on record and thousands off of it. How then does he keep being resurrected? Research by scientist Bill Jalen indicates that he can spontaneously regenerate from any Barney doll or product. This is unfortunate, as there are hundreds of millions of barney dolls in the world. Upon hearing of the discovery of his weakness, Barney sent an army of old Nazi gurus and hippies to eat the doctor, which they did.

On June 24, 2007, a plan created by the original 4 Horsemen (Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Dinobot, and Joe Mamma) was set into motion by their covert spy and waste of life Steve McMichael. The plan is to blow up every Barney doll. On June 26, the plan backfired when McMichael misunderstood the commands and blew up every "Barbie" doll on earth. The operation has been dubbed "a sucsess either way" and McMichael was killed.


On October 11, 2016, Roland Emmerich announced that he and Barney were lovers, and together they would work to reboot the Barney series in early 2017. That way Barney could continue to rape and molest little girls and boys. However on October 24th, Barney got injured in to a shootout with officers during a Black lives matter protest. This delayed the reboot to late 2017.

Music career[edit]

Barney became a singer after Michael Jackson hired him to sing at Neverland to get little boys to come over and watch him, just so Michael Jackson can touch their penises. He later signed with Michael Jackson's record company, Homosexual Records. He only had one hit, called "I love you, you love me" talking about his relationship with Michael Jackson. however, that soon changed. Below is a list of his albums.

  • Let Michael touch you(1988)
  • Come on kids and let me touch your happy place(1988)
  • Billy Mays owes me money (1989)
  • I Love You, You Love Me (1989)
  • Hey Mom I got a job at the Strip Club (1991)
  • I'm giving your kids free Tickets to my Strip Club!: The Live Album (1991)
  • Help me molest these kids, Michael Jackson (1993)
  • I couldn't resist touching you (1994)
  • Cmon ho give the purple man some lovin(1995)
  • Tamia: Me and Jackson's Bitch slave(1996)
  • Im Gonna Take You to an Even Gayer Bar(1997)
  • Little loving from Monica on the side(1998)
  • Litte Boys, Little Girls, It makes no Difference to Me(1999)
  • Oops, I touched you again! (2000)
  • Everybody has touching spots (2001)
  • Into The Purple Butt we Go! (2002)
  • I just want to be loved, even if I poop on you (2004)
  • Let's Get it On...Hilary Clinton (2007)
  • The Retarded Dinosaur Rap (2007)
  • 20 Years of Touching!:The Barney Anthology (2008)
  • I raped a kid and I liked it: Barney Covers Katy Perry and others (2009)
  • My Brother Died (2009)
  • Sex, Drugs, and ABC's (2010)
  • I Want to See A Boy's Peacock: Barney Covers Katy Perry and others 2 (2011)
  • I Love Little Girls: Barney Covers Oingo Boingo and Others (2012)
  • It's A Fag Story, Baby Just Say Yes: Barney Covers Taylor Swift and Others (2012)
  • You Are The Best Fag That's Ever Been Mine: Barney Covers Taylor Swift and Others 2 (2013)
  • Barney the Rapisaurs(2016)

Incident Involving Dawn[edit]

On May 26, 2007, Dawn was hurt when Barney and the Teletubbies took a crack at trying to kill Dawn outside the Bay Street Shopping Center in Tampa. Barney took off to an adult theater complex where he was eventually arrested by Hillsborough County officials. A trial date has yet to be released. Barney was later electrocuted by Dawn's Pachirisu (but Barney was still alive after that).

Ernest Hemingway writes about Barney[edit]

He watched the little train pull in and then leave the station. He was watching for the purple dinosaur, the deceiver of children, the eater of testicles, and the killer of Tinky Winky to board the train.

But the lizard did not board the train for he was with the little whore in the station. The little whore with the shaved head was good, and when the purple dinosaur was with the little whore, the lizard was good. But soon the lizard must leave the little whore. Milk of the Mother! This leaving and leaving and always the leaving, and the leaving would get the lizard killed.

He waited and he drank from the flask and it was hot in his tounge. He did not hate the lizard but when the lizard left the little whore, he would kill the dinosaur. He would kill him because Tinky Winky was dead.

Tinky Winky's Murder[edit]

It has been revealed that Tinky Winky was assasinated by Barney the Dinosaur. Barney was,before the death, Tinky Winky's lover, which makes it all the more shocking. even more shocking is that tinky winky could have been barney's lover at all, considering that barney went from a male to an "it" after a painful round house kick from Chuck Norris's first time killing the dinosaur (barney might have reincarnated, but he could never get back what Chuck took from him that day)

Arrest[edit]

On May 2, 2007 Barney the dinosaur took a 6-year old boy and held him hostage at a local Jimmy John's Restaurant in the southside of Chicago. After five hours, the child ran out of the restaurant and into safety of the Chicago Police Department. After 23 minutes of waiting for Barney to come out, the swat team was sent to the scene and after 2 minutes Barney was finally at last caught and taken to court.

Conviction[edit]

Barney the Dinosaur was found guilty of many crimes, many of which were crimes against humanity. He was sentenced to the electric chair, but unfortunately it proved ineffective due to the fact that he was made of a rubber-like substance. Thankfully, the executioner came up with an alternate solution, striking him with a meteor of death.

Primary Election[edit]

Barney's victory in the Green Party primary election was seen as a major upset, especially after blistering attacks from rivals Cynthia McKinney, a six-term Congresswoman from Georgia, and Josh "Cheetos" Cheever, a drug dealer from Berkeley, California who sells dime bags of marijuana but won't touch cocaine because, as he says, "Dude, I don't mess with that chemical shit." Both McKinney and Cheever accused Barney of having a hopelessly naive view of foreign policy after he advocated dissolving the Department of Homeland Security and replacing it with a new Department of Hugs.

In a much-publicized speech, Barney responded to the allegations by saying, "McKinney and Cheever are engaging in the politics of personal destruction. It is time for America to move beyond petty one-upsmanship. America, I love you. And you love me. We are all one happy family. With a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too?"

Barney, posing with several of his supporters. These kids are fucking baked.

Despite this critically-acclaimed and inspirational speech, Barney was not expected to do well in the primary election. Polls showed that his strongest demographic was children aged two to five; the Green Party does not allow minors to participate in their primaries. Conventional wisdom is that winning the Green Party nomination is all about capturing the key "twenty-three year olds who do not own shoes" demographic. Observers were stunned, then, when Barney captured the nomination in an unprecedented landslide, with exactly one hundred percent of the vote.

Newsweek recently ran a poll trying to determine the reason for Barney's massive upset. They interviewed one Chester Hannover, a seventh-year senior at UNLV. Hannover explained his vote for Barney thusly: "I saw the ballot and I was all like, 'Whoa, holy shit, Barney! Get out of here, man! You're fucking with me! Whoa, dude.. that's fucking crazy, man. Barney's on the ballot! Duuuuuude!!'"

Newsweek attempted to determine whether Hannover's reasoning was typical, but they were unable to locate another Green party member who had ever voted.

Controversial Policies[edit]

Barney's position on Federal subsidies for ethanol has raised some eyebrows. When questioned on the issue, he responded, "That's a no-no! Let's all drink orange juice instead!" Barney's early life was very controversial. At the age of five he burned down his house and killed his parents. He needed money so his own show was created. But he was then fired due to dropping the F bomb on the show. He was then forced to live on the streets and sell crack. He was then caught selling drugs to Elmo, so he was sent to jail. After serving time in jail he decided to better himself and run for president. He went on to become the president. Critics have argued that this response betrayed a fundamental lack of understanding of the issue. However, other pundits have noted that while his response has made him extremely unpopular in states such as Iowa and Nebraska, it may actually help him in the battleground state of Florida.

Barney committed another serious gaffe when a reporter asked him what he would do if we were to find Osama bin Laden. He responded, "I'd say to him, Boy, Oh Boy! I'm so glad you came to play today! We can play games and have lots of fun with music!" This response has been interpreted, especially by Evangelicals, as unacceptably soft on terrorism.

Barney is insane, in fact, he's so insane that he once starred on a 2girls1cup episode. Although it was funny as hell, it was the most disgusting thing anyone has ever seen. He also threatened to skin Elmo to death, his exact words were "Come here you fucking queer, purple is better than red, I'll skin you you mother fucker!" As a result, he got sentenced to 10 years in jail and his television show was cancelled.

Assassination Attempts[edit]

In May 2006, a disturbing list of "ways to kill Barney" was found through the Internet. However, Barney dismissed it as being "obviously meant in good fun", and has not responded to it, or tried to tighten his security.

On August 23nd, 2012, Barney received a voicemail on his home phone, stating that a mentally imbalanced man from Coonville State Ward wanted to kill Barney by using a knife. Barney, a peaceful guy, had this to say: "It's really too bad that people have to act out like this. I mean, I think the problem with people these days is that they are just too hyped up on Obamacare!" The next day, Barney was stabbed to death. There he lay, in the street, until the paramedics arrived, and instead of reviving him, dumped his body in the nearest sewer, for the raccoons. As this happened, Gucci Mane walked by and yelled "YEAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!". The coons immediately robbed poor Gucci of all his gold, and popped a cap in his ass.

Running Mate[edit]

A STRANGE ALLIANCE: Buchanan strongly disapproves of Barney's "Hugs and Cookies for Undocumented Workers" program.

Barney nearly caused a rift in the Green Party with his early insistence that his running mate be one "Baby Bop," a "dark horse" candidate with absolutely no political experience. Recently, however, he gave into party demands and selected Pat Buchanan as his running mate.

Buchanan, when asked why he would accept the appointment despite agreeing with Barney on absolutely no issues whatsoever, said simply "I just really want to be President before I die. And I'm getting so goddamn old."

Buchanan is expected to significantly boost Barney's support in the American South. Of course, as one pundit observed, boosting Barney's support in the American South is "basically multiplying zero by a very large number." Damn unions.

However, Barney's campaign manager, Tom Thompson, points out that Barney is not without support in the Bible Belt: "He's very popular with Creationists. They consider him living proof that dinosaurs and humans walked the earth at the same time. They also approve of his stance on premarital sex." Asked to clarify Barney's stance on premarital sex, Thompson responded, "He doesn't know what that is."

Prospects for 2020[edit]

Online bookie Bodog Sportbook offers 950/1 odds that Barney will win the 2020 general election. In other words, if you bet $1,053 on Barney's candidacy, you will be a millionaire. Think about it: Movie stars! Swimming pools! However, it should be noted as a point of reference that Bodog recently offered 75/1 odds that Britney Spears will receive a Ph.D. in Molecular Biology.

George Stephanopoulos recently offered one of the most damning appraisals of Barney's candidacy; when asked about it by Sean Hannity, he responded, "Who? What?"

It does not appear that Barney has a realistic shot of ascending to the Presidency. It is possible, however, that his candidacy will play a key role in Oprah winning in 2020.

External Links[edit]

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