Bart Simpson
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“I laugh at you idiots! Hah! Hah twice!”
~ User:Hatmaster on Bart's Family
“I'll kill your whole family!”
~ Bart Simpson on Lisa Simpson
“Haha”
~ Nelson on Bart Simpson
“I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?”
“Straight up, the best basketball player I have ever seen.”
~ Shaquille O'neil on Bart Simpson
Bartholomew 'Bart' JoJo Constintine Charles Brian Aberforth Michael Hunt Joseph Frank (the Mole) David Andrew Mangina Fonkonskini Idilho "I'm a Hobo" Indian Georgiizzz Frugenjum Alberto Naked Fat Simpson is one of the most outstanding citizens residing in Springfield. He is the only person Satan worships. Last heard, Satan has collected 666 straws used by Bart to drink soda. Bart comes from a particular wise family who give out advise to lost youth and found geriatrics on their TV show called, The Simpsons. The word brat in the English language comes from an anagram of Bart. It is often argued if he actually ages, or if he'll remain 10 years old forever.
Contents |
[edit] Character Origins
There are a lot of stories on how the Holy Bart came into being. One of them of course is the most refuted rumour that he is a product of the sexual union between Homer Simpson and Marge Simpson. The other story says that Bart came from the sea when the Seattle grunge metal band Nirvana was shooting still images for their album Nevermind. His naked sermon to Kurt Cobain changed Kurt's life completely. As you can see in the image that Bart arrived from the heavens as old as he always is. It is rumored that morphologically Bart will always remain immortal. There are more than a hundred thousand stories of Bart's origin, which you can choose to believe depending on what faith and religion you follow. A comprehensive encyclopedia is available on Whamazon.com for $666.
[edit] Love Life
Bart has married and divorced several people. His first known love was Fergie whom aborted all seventeen children that would have been him. He had marriages and divorces to all the Spice Girls. He married Lance Bass in Vegas and divorced when he realized that Lance was a gay man, not Hilary Duff. Duff (Don’t confuse Duff with Duff beer although both are believed to contain female hormones) and Simpson had sex and Haley Duff videotaped it and posted it on YouTube; both Duffs and Simpson are not speaking ever since Hillary went and laid rockstar Joel Madden whom is now married to his brother Benji, whom is now married to Mariah Carey at the same time. His most popular marriage was to Amanda from QLD as they had a child whom his brother in law David from QLD killed, thinking it was a rabid sock puppet. After the death of their son, Simpson and Amanda divorced. Bart was once raped by Lance Bass soon after their divorce; this made Bart so angry, he killed Bass with a grappling hook and made love with God's prostitute and Simpson's mother, Marge, simultaneously in an Airplane seat (the onlookers behind them, one recorded as Black Jesus, never where the same). Bart disappeared for most of 2003 for he had surgery to become a women, renamed himself "Barterella" and did it dirty with female lesbians. A photo of Barterella making love with Ellen DeGenerous still haunts Canadia and kittens to tears. In the late '90s, Bart forced Miley Cyrus (famous daughter of Captain Jack Sparrow and Jessica Rabbit) to marry him and their following children are;
Edmund Blackadder born in 2000 who now resides in Hammersmith, England.
Rosie O'Donnell, now a Hindu converter in Nebraska.
Britney Spears who died in September, 2008 in a boxing match with their other daughter Katie Price.(or Jordan to her followers)
Terminator, their famous part-troll lovechild.
Miley recently gave birth to a chinese baby boy which caused much contreversy.
Maggie Simpson is the daughter of Bart and Lisa Simpson, as Bart knocked her up in their early 20's. When Lisa gave birth Maggie somehow travelled back in time to Marge giving birth to another baby, but the babies were swapped over and that's the story of Magie's arrival...
[edit] Famous people to follow Bartology
- Milhouse is often involved in Bart's escapedes but no one pays attention to him because Milhouse is his sex slave. Milhouse is also gay. Extremely gay. But we already knew that. Moving on...
- Ned Flanders is Bart's pretending-to-be Christian neighbour but is the second High Priest of the last church of Bartology.
- Chuck Norris of course. That's right: Bart Simpson is the only person alive Chuck Norris respects even slightly, and to show his respect he converted to Bartology.
- Tom Cruise has been awarded Barthood after doing the Bartology On-the-Couch ritual on Oprah. He has been given the Lifetime Bartchievement award for being the most successful spy in the Church of Scientology. Unnamed Bartologists claim to know all the secret passwords of Scientology.
- You are the most important member of the last church of Bartology especially after you made it to the cover of Time.
- Kurt Cobain of course. Less respectful of Bart than Chuck Norris is, but also less respectED, which is why he's further down on this list. As Bart would say: "Eat my shorts!" Which he did.
- Oprah Winfrey as a result of the On-the-Couch ritual. (Bart's ex)
- Chloe Miseryguts, backing singer with techno band The Womb.
- Jeff Lebowski as a result of the Faithful Time Travel phenomenon.
- George W. Bush, despite the fact that his father has bad relations with Bart and his father. Bush Jr. thought it'd be good to learn more about his father's enemies, to see if they deserve the hate. He later converted to Bartology and, eventually, became President of the U.S. because of his new connections, despite his idiocy. Shows what following the Bartman can do for ya!
- Your Mom, because a joke like this was inevitable. C'mon, you saw it coming three pages ago!
- Your Friend's Mom, for the same frickin' reason as above. On a side note, both mothers had previously been followers of "Margeology", but converted upon realizing that the character they worshipped was, in fact, inferior to the Holiness that is Bart.
[edit] Battles Bart fought and lived to tell about
It is well known The Simpsons invited many beings and powerful entities to come to Springfield. What is not too well known is that Bart has a open challenge to anyone who wants to challenge their power against the Holy one. The list consist of every person Bart has fought and defeated. Some of their losses was so severe that there was reprocutions after the battle.
- Chuck Norris - I want to be like you when I grow up.
- Michael Jackson - It doesn't matter if you're black or white, hee hee.
- Michael Jordan - Now owns the Wizards because of it.
- Michael Richards - His career was trash at the time anyhow.
- Sean Connery - Was forced out of the movie buisness.
- The Ramones - Otto ran their bus over a cliff, and were killed in the explosion before they even left Springfield.
- Mel Gibson - Not very popular now, are you?
- Satan - Now worships Bart.
- God - Now member of Bartology.
- Stan Lee - Bart worshiper
- WWE - Name, company, and people are now dying if not already dead.
- Hulk Hogan - Now blames God for the loss.
- Sonic - Where's the Sega console now?
- Super Mario - He isn't so super any more.
- King of the Hill
- MacGyver
- Jack Bauer - Bart does not fear the power of Bauer.
- Tony Hawk - Forced to make a Simpsons skating game. Bart regretted it.
- Former president George Bush - Got beat so hard, his son felt it. Son became stupid afterwards.
- Al Bundy - Was humiliated to the point of changing his name to Ted Bundy, and took up a hobby of murder.
- Tim "The Foolman" Taylor - Even the Binford 6100 Sandbelt was no match for Bart. Now Tim is in Disney Remakes.
- MC Hammer - This tool now lives in a box.
- MC Pee Pants - This was an easy fight since M.C. Pee Pants was a Wasp.
- Japan
- Cleveland - Now all Cleveland Teams are called The Steamers. Even LeBron James couldn't stop Bart.
- Chris Crocker - Now he/she does a video called "Leave Bart Simpson Alone"!
- Angry Video Game Nerd (As a Tag-Team with Donald Duck) - Was forced to eat his own and Donald Duck's shorts (and accidentally ate Donald Duck's shirt) after the match.
- Fox TV - Afraid to stand up against own creations afterwards.
- Futurama - Fox encouraged them to do it.
- Family Guy - Very easy fight...Especially with Meg Griffin.
- X-Files - Mulder likes to carry a picture of himself in his undies now.
- Steve Urkel
- Eric Cartman - Kyle sided with Bart during the fight.
- Adam Sandler - Forced into taking the lead role in "Punch Drunk Love"
- Donald Duck (As a Tag-Team with Angry Video Game Nerd) - After that fight, Donald was forced to walk around without pants (and with that match, his shirt and wearing nothing but the stone of shame).
- Jose Carioca - Fought after the episode of "Blame it on Lisa" in a game of soccer.
- Panchito Pistoles - His only defeat.
- Garfield - His friends only fought Bart...and now Garfield does crappy movies.
- Barbie - She now can't even see Ken after that.
- Loopy de Loop - This was to be an episode of "Harvey Birdman", but Loopy left for Monaco after that fight.
- Bugs Bunny - The most recent fight...and for punishment, Bugs Bunny had to leave Uncyclopedia.
- Woody Woodpecker - Who's laughing now?!
- Chicken - And you thought Peter Griffin had a long fight with the Chicken!
- Hugo Chavez - Now he can't even show "The Simpsons" in his country.
- Ronald McDonald - Ever heard of the McRoll?
- Your Mom - Don't ask.
- Ronald McDonald allied with Sideshow Bob - Watch The King Wants CheeseBurgers 4 on YouTube.
- Justin Timberlake
- The Beatles - Only Paul lived to talk about it.
- The Rutles - This made Dirk not want to talk to his bandmates...again!
- Edward Cullen - Bart threw his still lit cigarette on him.
- Keith Olbermann - Apparently, now Keith knows not to compare Bart to Hitler.
- Bill O'Reilly - HE DID IT LIVE! FUCK IT!
- Matt Damon - Now can only say "Matt Damon"!
- Everyone in The Simpsons, especially Sideshow Bob (which he beat-up 10 times on Pay-per-View).
[edit] Famous Women Bart has Slept with
- Janice Dickinson - Hasn't everyone did her.
- Pamela Anderson-She did not have a lover in years, i even kicked Tommy Lee's ass to prove it.
- Kim Kardashian - Hey, she was single for a short time after Ray J.
- Kate Moss - She was sober.
- Jessica Alba-She was drunk and i got lucky.
- Jessica Biel-After Alba, you gotta go to Biel.
- Eva Mendes-I even made her pose for GQ, true story.
- Courtney Love- I WAS DRUNK! IT WAS A BAD NIGHT!!
- Your Mom-Once again, don't ask.
[edit] Famous Quotes
“Mom what are you thinking!? We can't just send Santa's Little Helper away, he's a dog, not Grampa!”
~ Bart Simpson talking to Marge
“Eat my shorts!”
~ Bart Simpson telling you to do as he says
“¡Ay, caramba!”
“Can't sleep, clown will eat me.”
~ Bart Simpson on Simpson eating clowns
“Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.”
~ Bart Simpson on his dog when Willie said he ate it
“I want to be emancipated!”
~ Bart Simpson on being the Dude
“It's craptacular.”
~ Bart Simpson on being on TV
“I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.”
~ Bart Simpson on the faculty talent show
“I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats.”
~ Bart Simpson on the effects of Bartology on common man.
“I'll give you four bucks for it.”
~ Bart Simpson on an attempt to convert you to Bartology
“When i can stop fiddlin, i just take me riddlin, i'm poppin and sailin man *Whistle*.”
~ Bart Simpson on Riddlin
“Am I the only one in horrible pain?”
~ Bart Simpson on Reality TV
“Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.”
~ Bart Simpson on the real meaning of Christmas
“Man, I'm so bored.”
~ Bart Simpson on this page
“I could take up smoking.”
~ Bart Simpson on what would he do if left in a room full of Marlboro cigarettes?
“Man, most of the quotes above are really things I said. No wonder the Jee Man didn't approve this page!”
~ Bart Simpson on this page
“Screw you man!”
~ Bart Simpson on you
“I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?”
~ Bart Simpson politely introducing himself to you
“Don't let that scene in the movie fool you. It was cold that day we shot it.”
~ Bart Simpson talking about his "Nudity" on the movie.
