Baseball
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“Baseball is a sport.”
~ Captain Obvious on baseball
“What the hell did they do to cricket?”
~ An Englishman on baseball
“If baseball was easy it would be called softball.”
~ Softball haters on baseball
“Let's go to first base, and then just go straight through the other ones. After that, we can go to the pitchers mound. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds hot.”
~ Oscar Wilde on baseball
“In Soviet Russia, tobacco spits YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on baseball
“In Soviet Russia, first base is on Who!”
~ Russian Reversal on baseball
“So, who's on first base?”
~ Abbott on the previous quote
“Naturally.”
~ Costello on the previous quote
“As good as the Red Wings were in the first half of the game, that's as they are now. They scored seven touchdowns, were dominant from the three-point line, and scored on a penalty kick from 30 feet out. We're playing lacrosse, right?”
~ Tim McCarver on his extensive knowledge of baseball
“I don't care about baseball. BRETT FAVRE!”
~ John Madden on baseball
“I've never used steroids.”
~ Barry Bonds on lying
“I'm not here to talk about the past.”
~ Mark McGwire on appearing in court due to his alleged PAST steroid use
“I've also never used steroids.”
~ Alex Rodriguez on lying and shagging some lesbian hooker from the 80s
“I no speak English.”
~ Sammy Sosa on why he couldn't testify to using steroids
“Steroids are the perfect example of how the government gets distracted from actual issues, and we taxpayers get FUCKED in the ASS by Congress! Somebody better shove a Louisville Slugger up your local politician's ASS!”
~ Lewis Black on baseball
“All your base are belong to me.”
~ Rickey Henderson on stealing bases
“Do we even need a designated hitter?”
~ A sane person on the designated hitter rule
Baseball is without question the most boring sport in history. Because it does not use a clock, it goes on forever, dissolving the souls of those who watch it into oblivion.
Contents |
[edit] History of the Game
Origins of Baseball
Ancient paintings on the walls of Ethiopian neolithic temples show that this game has been practiced for at least three million years. In ancient times, there were only two players per team, and the rules were much simpler. The baseball itself is generally agreed to have been invented as an easy way to hunt cats and small children.
In the 19th century, while several colonial powers from Europe were in the process of screwing over Africa, the ancient game was adopted by the British. However, like several other aspects of African culture, the British destroyed the game by turning it into cricket.
Baseball in the United States
During the U.S. Civil War, soldiers decided to play cricket in their spare time. However, because there weren't any women around, they soon could not resist each other, so they made huge dildos with which to fuck each other and smash each others' balls. Bases were devised to describe how far the 2 men got with doin' each other with lubed bats. First base meant a good whack at the balls. Second base was a full 32" bat up the ass. Third base was a 36" bat down the throat while simultaneously getting rammed up the other end with a pine cone. A home run was a bat down the throat, another bat up the ass, and a man's pecker jammed into another man's ass who had a dick in their throat from another guy, and that guy had a bat up his ass and in his throat.
Since then, baseball has evolved significantly. Today, baseball is often compared to basketball. In basketball, one must shoot a ball through a basket; in baseball, one must be able to put a ball inside a military base and then retrieve it, keeping himself alive for the duration of the game. The ball is made of horse hide, and must have been skinned from the horse 30 minutes prior to game time. The United States doesn't think this is a sport.
Baseball in Other Countries
Baseball is a popular sport in Japan and Australia. Because of lack of resources, Australia uses large coconuts instead of baseballs. Rather than steroids, foreign players are reduced to beaver tranquilizers and Viagra. Effects haven't been studied, and as soon as they are, U.S. players will already be using them. Other than that, nobody really gives a fuck about baseball around the world.
[edit] The Game
[edit] Qualifications to Play
The only other qualification to play is to have a burning desire for hot dogs and crappy organ music. When baseball was first founded, there were also requirements to be a homosexual. However, the sexual-orientation barrier was broken in 1914 by Babe Ruth, who was bisexual, and the color barrier was broken by Jackie Robinson in 1947. Age was never a factor; as long as you can walk, you can play. Just ask Rickey Henderson.
When baseball became open to everyone, concerns were raised that this would inevitably lead to a break in the gender barrier, too. The very thought of having women play baseball scared many baseball players and owners. They knew they'd get more of an audience if women played cuz the game was only watched by about 30 people at the time. Seein beatuful woman would make the game more watched which cuz itz gay nobody wanted that.
In 2007, baseball decided to diversify in the number of species that could play. The owners and players realized that this would be a better alternative than allowing women to play. Color and resemblance to men (but not women) were agreed to be the determining factors. The following animals (listed in alphabetical order) were permitted to play:
- Bears
- Bulls
- Bunnies
- Cubs
- Devil Rays
- Dogs
- Horses
- Lions
- Llamas
- Marlins
- Monkeys
- Peacocks
- Penguins
- Roosters
- Wookiees
Unfortunately, women named "Amanda" were banned from the game in 2025 with commisioner Bud Selig's nefarious "Screw Everyone Named Amanda" amendment, arguably his worst achievement for baseball since the thing he did before that, and before that, and before that, all the way to when he started to give the winner of the All-Star Game home field advantage in the World Series. He has not made any rulings on men named "Amanda"; God help us if there are any of them out there.
[edit] Positions
Manager
The manager is paided to make angry faces such as >O and >:[, march onto the field and scream at the nearest ump (standard argueing face distance is 1 inch apart) and get kicked out and warm up the bus. Lou Pinella (that guy who manages the Cubs), by this rubric, is the greatest manager in the history of baseball. A team also needs to have an Assistant Manager, a sub-Manager, a Stand-in Manager, a Bank Manager, and a Manager to manage the Managers.
Battleships
The objective of the battleships is to clear the minefield behind the infield. If the battleships do not succeed in their task, it is very common for a fielder to step on one of the mines, often killing hundreds of fans. The battleships are typically located in the river (or other body of water) behind the ballpark.
Bludgers, Batters and Hitters
Armed with nothing but 2x4s with nails through the end, bludgers have the glorious job of clubbing those good-for-nothing baby seals. Baseball fans understand that baby seals have done nothing for us. They say, "Fuck them, and fuck Al Gore." The team that clubs the most baby seals in the first 5 minutes of the game is rewarded with Chuck Norris, who is not only Chuck Norris, but also the greatest baby seal clubber to ever live. Plus, he's Chuck Norris.
Batters are specialised Bludgers who know what a baseball bat looks like and have even held one once, even if it was at the wrong end. Upon retirement, batters are often employed by debt collection agencies (Mafia mobsters) to use their bat to beat the crap out of other poor shithead players who can't repay the 500% interest rate loan that the Manager gave them.
Hitters are all poor misguided bastards. Their aim is to try to 'hit on to' other players in the dressing room, but if unsucksessful they must hit on to the cleaner.
Catcher
The catchers are the ones who catch the balls. Haha...balls. From a young age, they are taught to "take one for the team." When a kindergartner attempts a low-blow on your star player, it is the catcher who will scoot in to take it, thus saving the star player.
In 2005, the position of catcher was deemed unnecessary, and all players of this persuasion where replaced by large nets.
Medics
Medics are the people who try to save the baby seals and random wide receivers for NFL teams that get shot in the leg, not naming names...Plaxico Burress. They wear white clothes and are often mistaken for baby seals. They are employed during games to run onto the field whenever the pitcher complains of having a 'headache' or one of the throwers falls over while running away from the ball and grazes his knee. Medics usually respond to injuries by saying "There, there, baby, does it hurt? Here, have a little snort of cocaine to make it feel better."
Pitcher
Pitchers (commonly referred to as "bitchers," due to their whiny behavior) try to deceive the batter by throwing the baseball to the catcher. If they're in a really bad mood, they can just throw the baseball at the batter or the crowd to try and knock people's penis' out. They can also try to help disarm the mines scattered all around the field. However, this is usually left to the outfielders, because there is a risk that the pitcher's nails will be scratched if they tamper with the mines. The pitcher will usually try to disarm a couple of mines, anyway, because an exploding mine might blow up the entire bullpen, which would leave the pitcher with no relievers to follow him.
Wide Receiver
The wide receiver will rape anyone within 20 feet of him. He is the catalyst for the whole game. If an opposing player gets raped by him, that player must sacrifice himself for the good of the team, or else the team will be forced to forfeit. If the player does not sacrifice himself, his nuts must be ripped out of their sack and be eaten by the losing team. Britney Spears was arguably the most famous baseball wide receiver, before she changed had her nuts ripped out and became a woman.
Thrower
The thrower has the easiest job of all the position players. In fact, it is so easy that women can be throwers, too. This is why throwers are only considered position players for politically correct purposes. All they have to do is throw the ball somewhere close to the plate before the start of the game. They don't even need to start from the rubber; they can throw the ball from as little as ten feet away! Again, this is why women can be throwers, too. If they succeed, they are considered to be gods. However, there is some pressure on the thrower, because the quality of their throw often determines the winning team. The most famous throwers were the 1919 Chicago White Sox. Their other job is to clean the other players in the shower. And that is why a majority of the throwers are women.
Guy who rebroadcasts without the express, written consent of Major League Baseball
This fellow is about as popular as the designated hitter. We won't talk about what REALLY happened to him! (I could tell you, but then you'd have to be shot)
[edit] The Field
Infield
The inner part of the baseball field, where the balls fly, is full of douche bags like Alex (A-Roid) Rodriguez and people that look like they know what they are doing but really don't. You can tell where the infield is by that big stretch of dirt usually a third of the way out in the field. Everything from there into where the batter stands is the infield. Those lines you see converging at the point where the batter stands are called the baselines; everything inside those lines is fair territory, everything outside those lines is foul territory. It is called foul territory because this is where the players spit their tobacco juice. For all the millions the owners make every year, Major League Baseball is still skimpy about providing the players with spittoons.
Outfield
The large prairie beyond the infield, inhabited largely by cud chewing ruminant millionaires. This is where the minefield is located.
[edit] Popularity as a Spectator Sport
Nobody watches baseball. They are there for the hot dogs and drinks. They use the $8 hot dogs as cheap disposable dildos, and the drinks to pour over their bodies so they look attractive to the other gay baseball fans that are ramming Fenway Park franks up their ass while the watch the baseball players orgy, wank or fall asleep dreaming of gay porn.
The general belief held among the sporting community is that baseball falls 58th on the official world Barkley Sports Ratings, immediately after Power Skiing and before Hump Catting, Lacrosse, and the WNBA. People should watch the WNBA because it's comprised of the two best things: butch lesbians and Bill Laimbeer. The only people that watch this shit version of cricket are; 1. Old guys with nout to do 2. Men who got to get pissed out their head and run naked on the field 3. American
The championship is called it the World Series even though 29 teams hail from the United States (the exception is the Toronto Blue Jays. The former Montreal Expos since moved to Washington D.C.). However, players come from such proud nations as Japan, the Dominican Republic, and Kentuckistan to play baseball, even though they know no English whatsoever.
“They took our jerbs!”
~ Some redneck that played baseball in high school on the cultural diversity of baseball
“Callate, tu idiota. Juego el beisbol mas bueno de los dominicanos, y mas bueno de los americanos. Por eso, !callate!”
~ Some Dominican baseball player on the previous quote
“I don't know what the fuck that Mexican just said, so let's kick his ass!”
~ The same redneck on the Dominican baseball player
[edit] Rules
[edit] Fly Out Rule
On a ball hit into the air, the runner cannot advance to the next base until the ball is caught. To advance, the runner must return to his base and touch it, or tag up, as it's called, and then wait for the opposing player to catch the ball. The runner can use this time to ask the opposing infielder for some money, maybe ten or twenty bucks; you know, just enough to tide him over until payday, or for the loan of his comb, since running the bases does tend to make you look scruffy and this is hardly the image you want to present to the television audience. Once the opposing player catches the ball, the runner can advance if he thinks he can do this safely. Sometimes a batter will hit a fly ball far enough into the outfield that a player can tag up and then run to the next base in relative safety. When this happens, the batter is credited with a sacrifice fly, which, despite its name, has no religious implications whatsoever. This is Major League Baseball's story and they are going to stick to it, no matter how many Dominican Santeria priests you see wandering into the clubhouse with coops full of chickens. The players like fresh eggs, and don't let anyone tell you any different.
[edit] Balk
No one really knows what the hell a balk is; even the umpires aren't all that sure and they've read the rule book, or so they say; sometimes you get the impression they just looked at the pictures; but like pornography, we all know a balk when we see it. Balks have something to do with the pitcher, who is the gentleman standing on that mound of dirt in the middle of the field, moving and then stopping or stopping and then moving without checking if there's a red light at this intersection, thereby causing gridlock from one end of town to the other. Before you try this in your own automobile you may want to check traffic conditions in your area.
[edit] Base Stealing
In baseball it is possible to engage in larceny without incurring the wrath of the local constabulary. While the pitcher is otherwise distracted, any player on base may attempt to advance to the next one. A player attempting to steal second base from first, must feel up the first baseman under his shirt, which is why players all tuck in their shirts. To steal from second base, you must give or receive at least a partial BJ. And to steal home, thus scoring, you must "go all the way" with the third baseman. Even the batter may attempt to steal, by french-kissing the catcher. However, the catcher wears a face mask to make this extremely difficult. In any case, the pitcher may throw the baseball at a player attempting to steal a base, and if successfully (and painfully) pelted, that player is out. All your base are belong to the guy who suceeds in doing this.
[edit] Home Runs
Home runs are hit when the batter hits the ball really far, or when he hits it kinda far and the outfielder gets angry and throws the ball over the wall so it hits some drunk Yankees fan who paid $3,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 for a down payment on a ticket. A batter can also get credit for a home run by sending a player or a spectator to the hospital by hitting them with a bat, a ball, or a batting glove (come on, those things are dangerous, man!). Whenever a player scores a home run, it is customary for the announcer to yell TOUCHDOWN! while being shown on camera masturbating. Hey, I don't make the rules.
Here is a video of the longest home run ever hit in Major League Baseball history:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI&feature=related
[edit] Designated Hitter
This is the most unnecessary rule in baseball. Apparently, some guy can bat in place of the thrower while he watches reruns of "Grey's Anatomy", like the one where the ugly Asian chick gets impaled by an icicle, or the one where the black woman tells everyone to do their rounds. Anyway, this fellow can only play in American League stadiums and not in National League stadiums. This rule is in effect because nobody knows how to change it back so that the thrower can hit. You don't see twelve guys on the field in football. So why do we need another player on the field in baseball?
[edit] Classic Games
- USA Chicago Cows vs URRSRSS Leningrad Стрелки
- It lasted for three months, and all of the 62 DPs were lost during the match. In Soviet Russia, DPs lose YOU!
- Secretly funded by the CIA and the Halliburton Jokesters, this grand match only lasted for eight hours, but it was enough to mark it forever in our memories. It is the only known match that took 33 innings to play. Another first came when every player on both teams were killed, leading to a tie.
- Brown, et al vs Board of Education
- In a play controversial to this day, Team Brown upset the Topeka Board of Education by bringing in a series of "pro-Bono" attorneys (attorneys in favor of U2's long-winded musical ramblings) as Throwers. Their vocal tirades proved too long and the Topeka Board walked off the field, citing boredom.
- USA vs CSA
- In a shocking four-year game, the Southern states decided they wanted more than Hillbillies and NASCAR. They armed their wide receivers with Pokemon, which killed off much of the North. But then the North dropped a nuke on the field, and obliterated the South and Dale Earnhardt. This is only the second biggest rivalry the Yankees have, only behind the one they have with the Red Sox.
