Basingstoke

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Basingrad (also known as Blazingstoke, Amazingstoke, Gaysinblokes, Blazing Toke, Basingjoke or, less commonly, Basingstoke) is a town in Southern England. It was built to fill the void between the much smaller and less impressive towns of Reading and Southampton. No evidence of intelligent human life was found to be living in this gap before the construction of Basingstoke, or indeed afterwards. It is one of the most historically important cities in Europe and is very beautiful and full of character, and is certainly not a soulless commuter town where misery and poverty are rife. It is located in Hampshire but doesn't really count. If you have ever been to Eindhovel, you will find that Basingrad is the same, only older and not as flat. Basingrad can be found off the M3 in North Decoda. It is often shown on a map as a large patch of either Lonsdale or burberry.

Basingrad may also be represented on maps by a biological hazard warning.


History[edit]

The main attractions in central Basingrad.

Prehistory[edit]

Basingrad was once a nice place, known at the time as 'The Land of Bathing'. This all ended some 300,000 years ago, when the place was flattened by ice and invaded by the ancestors of chavs, who were well suited to the blasted wasteland and who never bathed at all. These proto-chavs then hunted the local woolly rhinos and mammoths to extinction, poisoning them with huge volumes of coke and then converting them into burberry. Even in this ancient time it is notable that the chavs of the Basingrad area were sufficiently advanced to make use of fake fur as an alternative to the real thing, the lesson having been learned already that if a chav can never win a fight against another human, he doesn't have a hope in hell of survival when faced with an enraged sabre-toothed tiger. (See kittens)

The Dark Ages[edit]

Unlike the rest of the world, Basingrad's Dark Age lasted from about 298,000 BC until about 1990 AD, when the place was eventually connected to the railway network. At once it was discovered that this was a terrible mistake. The chavs gained bling and became an even greater annoyance and threat to civilisation, while the town's population of pikeys also swelled.

The Even Darker Ages[edit]

Chavs multiplied at a horrific rate, not due to more being born, but because of fewer deaths. This increase was helped by the advent of the welfare state, which was immediately pounced upon as a way of getting money without making any useful contribution to society. The railways were clogged with chavs who trespassed thereon, and as more street corners appeared, chavs appeared there too. The building of 9,331,530.5767489674896907060578467686 roundabouts during the 20th century eliminated the street corners, but not the chavs.

Famous people[edit]

Rupert the Bear is another well known Basingradian, hence the trousers. Burberry was invented in Basingstoke and has since come back to haunt the town in the form of chavs.

The dead withered hand of celebrity has otherwise left Boringstoke relatively untouched. Ask any Basingstoker to name anyone famous who came from the place and they will struggle. After much thought they might mention Tanita Tikaram (female Leonard Cohen impersonator) or Kit Symons (minor professional football player who played for Wales, yunno), or one of the Libertines. And didn't Liz Hurley once visit the Basingstoke C&A one rainy Saturday afternoon in the mid 80s, but buggered off sharpish to Reading when they couldn't find a purple snood in her size? Pretty poor pickings, Heat fans.

WRONG! The sad truth of the matter is this. Think of a famous person. Any famous person. Irrespective of their public worth and celebrity status, THEY ALL CAME FROM BASINGSTOKE. For example, Mahatma Gandhi wasn't born in India. No, his real name is Michael Grundy and he was Chineham born and bred. Jade Goody? Abbey Road. Margaret Hectate Thatcher, Whore of Babylon? Her dad used to run the grocery on Church Street. Just ask a passing celebrity about their origins and on pain of torture they will confess all. Heat, OK and Wotcha should open offices right here in Basingstoke, next to Poundland, and be done with it.

The People of Basingrad[edit]

Basingrad had an estimated population of 80,477 in 2006. Of these, Basingrad is populated mostly by Chavs, a non-sentient race that garb themselves as if doing sports, but have only been known to run away from the police. This population is supplemented by the occasional Pikey, a species thought to be descended from Magpies, because of their tendency for stealing shiney objects (like satellite dishes). Basingrad may or may not also contain the occasional human being, though these would probably tend to be situated in bunkers ringed by landmines and speakers playing tasteful music, in order to deter attackers. Everyone else is probably Polish.

The Four Hoursemen of the Apocolypse are currently staying in the local Hilton hotel.

More recently, the emo has become a common sighting in Basingrad. The Council is considering placing signs to warn people not to slip on the pools of blood, which are becoming commonplace in the various shopping centres.

Economy[edit]

Basingrad's imports and exports consist almost entirely of burberry, which was invented there. The horrific numbers of chavs and pikeys constantly "spill over" into neighbouring towns and could be considered as another export, although more realistic people would consider them a waste product. The resale of ever-more modified cars is the only growing industry in Basingrad.

The Town[edit]

The town has nothing interesting except a swimming pool and a two colleges: BCOT for the clever kids and QMC for the rest. That was sarcasm, if you couldn't tell. (BCOT actually stands for Basingrad Chav Organic Testing, and was formed after testing on Mice and later bacteria proved unpopular and was believed to be inhumane, and so a lower life form was selected.) The nightlife is the most impressive in the world. In 1995, the 287,000,000,000,000.9876788 nightclubs and 529 theatres were consolidated into a single autonomous mega-club called Liquid. One of the old clubs does still remain - Chicago Rock Cafe, where the dress code seems to be old women dressed up like twenty year olds. There's also the bang bar, which becomes more and more enjoyable the further you are from it.

Council[edit]

Boringstoke and Deane Borough Council are not afraid to move with the times. Following the success of the film Pulp Fiction in 1994, a motion was passed to conduct all council meetings as though they were conversations in the film. The incumbent Tory MP at the time, Andrew 'Motherfunster' Hunter, was quoted in the Basingstoke Gazette as saying that the idea was 'fucking cool, motherfucker' and said he was looking forward to long and detailed conversations about fast food and Dutch hash bars, all on the payroll of the taxpayer.

In 1996, following a 'fact finding mission' in Amsterdam eating McDonald's and getting absolutely wasted on cheap hydroponic skunk, the council in their infinite wisdom decided to adopt txt spk as their lingua franca. Council minutes now read like the inane gibberings of sub-literate fourteen year olds texting each other in double maths. A definite improvement.

Culture[edit]

In Basingrad the creation of vandal-proof public sculpture has been honed to a fine 'art'. To wit - 'The Wote Street Willy' or WSW. This phallic lump of finest rockcrete at the bottom of Wote Street was built to encapsulate the thrusting, dynamic and exciting cultural life of the town, with the emphasis very much on the thrusting.

The Wote Street Willy in all its magnificent phallic glory, unphotoshopped and proud. They considered using veined marble, yunno.

Here is an excerpt from the Basingrad and Deane Council minutes when they decided to build it:


Deputy Mayor: LOL I like the cock.

Mayor: ROFL I want the cock.

Andrew Hunter: You're all gay. L8terz.

And so the motion was passed (fnarr fnarr).

Since the completion of the Wote Street Willy, local custom has it that if you want to conceive you should get utterly plastered in the White Hart, stagger down Wote Street and indulge in a quickie knee trembler against the WSW. 85% of the town's population have been conceived this way since 2001. Esteemed medical practitioners in London's Harley Street are now running 'fertility fun days' to the WSW to help sub-fertile thirty something professional types get up the duff.

Work on a fifty metre representation of Goatse straddling the A339 past the AA building will start in the Spring of 2015. Which will be nice.

A Song For Basingstoke[edit]

Until comparatively recently, the town anthem was this dreary, stentorian dirge blathering on about hard work, dilgence and how bloody fantastic it was to live in Basingstoke and how grateful you ruddy proles should be that you weren't born in the shadow of the dark satanic mills of Silchester or Andover. Then, in 2004, one of the council had a brain fart after watching the Eurovision Song Contest and decided that said anthem needed to be updated. The winning entry, entered by one Andrew Lloyd Webber in collaboration with his usual writing partner Felix Mendelssohn features the following stirring lyric repeated 25 times:

We love the cock, oh yes we do.

The good burghers of Reading, Winchester and Southampton went puce green with envy at the sheer lucidity and intense poetic intenseness of this uplifting ode to joy of living in Basingstoke. To annoy them further, Da Council now requires every good citizen of Basingstoke to stand outside his or her house every night at 6pm and belt out this joyous little number with a lump in their throat, a tear in their eye and one finger up to those losers who don't live here.

Surrounding area[edit]

The surrounding area is comprised of loads of villages, all constantly engaged in war with each other.


An increasingly common sight in Winklebury.

"The Old Basing bunch" - Hold meetings with different ways to attack the passing buses for 'street cred'. One recent foiled plan was a toilet seat. This often involves monocules, pipes, and pots of gold.

Lychpit/Chineham - The best place to live in Basingstoke. Residents think they are extremely rich, live in small mansions (2bed semi's) with security gates (a normal gate to people from outside Basingrad). Full of posh??? and well-off??? people who clean their toilets with champagne (lambrusco). Any loitering chavs are likely to be banished, or at least sent to BCOT.

Brighton Hill - Just dont go there. See Shithole for further knowlege.

"Black damage"- The second best place to live in Basingstoke. Full of women who walk around in pj's and men who carry fence posts full of nails. There's a nice straight road for racing your twenty year old pimp machine. Please come along and visit.

"Kempshott Hermits" - Another rather lovely place to live in Basingstoke. Tend to be farmery types due to the joyous location being 5 miles from the town centre and next to the countryside. Residents will probably keep chickens and shop in the local sainsburys ( as apposed to the god-awful Brighton Hill lot who will invariably have to go to The ASDA). Rarely venture into Basingstoke massive due to pack lane being a nice divide.

"North Waltham" - No one knows why North Waltham is named as it is, because South Waltham has yet to be found, let alone Waltham. People living here generally keep horses, and ride around the vilage square looking simply spiffing. Main produce here is horse because thats all they eat. Ever.

"Oakley" - Apparently not part of Basingstoke, but i'm sticking it on here anyway, dont complain. Oakley has the highest proportion for OAPs to children of anything anywhere ever in the world. The village consists of a few shops and a school. Generally a rich area, and the common chav is but a rare sighting. Oakley was voted #1 best place to live by Oakley's bourough council.

Cliddsden doesn't count as a village because it is small, unimportant and only has one main attraction. You can't get lost.

Wildlife[edit]

Common in the Basingrad area prior to industrialisation.

As many former-countriside towns and cities, Basingrad had a shocking variety of indigenous creatures. In the past, there used to be domestic cows, sheep and the odd farmer, and giant white-faced Saki Monkeys (which behave similarly to chavs), along with birds and badgers etc. However, due to the influx of large firms such as Sony, IBM, and Barclays, pollution soared to great extents and "enhanced" the animals around. Cows turned into Obese Women (also known as cows), sheep turned into ravenous Hobo's with highly contagous diseases and Farmers' children evolved into what we now call "chavs".

However, more humble creatures found benefits in the pollution (just like the chavs and young single mothers). Rats bred thousand times faster annually and colonised areas such as Cranbourne, where Da Council of Basingrad thought was an ideal location for young 11-16 year old children to be "educated" in the arts of reproduction, overdosing, smoking and wittless bantering (Note, most students excelled in their education and 75-80% girls were soon pregnant, and 60-70% of boys mastered vandalism). Basingrad is also believed to be home to flocks of bloodthirsty maneating seabirds (concentrated around Cranbourne School) and confused sea turtles. Often, due to climatic conditions caused by the pollution, Seals, Penguins and people from Poland tend to visit for a warmer climate and retreat from the cold weather they experience on a daily basis.

Other Facts[edit]

Basingrad is thought to be twinned with Askarchan in Saudi Arabia. It has also been hypothesised that it is linked in some way to the city of Isengrad in Mordor, but due to copyright law this may not be the case.

Basingstoke is also speculated to be twinned with Alencon, in France, but this is kept quiet due to the undeniable fact that Alencon is just a 'totally better' place to live. Lets face it, its true what they say....theres always an evil twin! This is because of the social problems Basingstoke would face if its residents started migrating to France. Firstly, Alencon would be condemned to the overthrow by the British Chav: currently considered extremely dangerous and evil in France (the local subspecies, the pissis, is more benign, and only occasionally sets fire to cars). This would set off a chain reaction of events leading to the total overthrow of France by the Chav, therefore causing France to be renamed 'Brittan 2 Innit' and consequentally slipping into a future of burberry exports and consumption of the traditional British Vodka.

The unprecedented high multiplication rate of the chav in Basingrad has led some leading biologists, mostly from Djibouti, to speculate that in Basingrad chav has become a highly contagious disease, similar to HIV, and often spread in the same manner. It has been calculated by these biologists that, by reproductive means only, to produce the number of chavs in Basingrad today each chav recorded in the 2001 census of parasites would have to be reproducing approximately 101.11 percent of the time. This is currently thought impossible according to the laws of physics, which dictate each chav must spend at least 50 percent of their lives eating McDonalds, hanging around parks defecating, or unsuccessfully harassing kittens. Therefore, the existence of some highly debilitating disease has been proposed.

Regardless of this, generally, all physical contact with chavs should be avoided. It is thought that this menace to society may be cured with tazer guns, flamethrowers, nuclear weapons and spoons. If only other weapons are available, do not aim for the head. No vital organs reside here.


There is speculation that most this article was written by Chavs; hence all the spelling mistakes.

Plans for the demolition of Basingstoke are presently under consideration after it was discovered by the government that people have discovered ways of leaving it.

External links[edit]