Basketball
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Basketball is one one of the world's great religions. It is divided into two main sects, the NBA and the NCAA, and each sect is further divided by gender. These genders are encompassed by male and male. There is also a poor form of the basketball religion called 'female' basketball, which is usually forgotton or spat up after a night of heavy drinking.
Basketball churches are called "courts" and can be found in every city in the world except Philadelphia and Tel Aviv.
The Basketball Church is led by "The Commissioner". Current Commissioner Emperor David the Stern has served since the death of previous Commissioner John Fitzgerald Kennedy on November 22, 1963. Kennedy was preceded by Church founder Josef Stalin. "Players" serve as missionaries for the Church and all Church activities are controlled by "Officials" who receive their instructions directly from The Commissioner or have them read to them by one of the several hundred "sportscasters" who receive messages directly from God in the grounds at the bottom of emptied cups of Dunkin' Donuts coffee (except in Seattle, of course).
Basketball does not end in "ism" and yet is one of the world's Great Religions like Judaism, Catholicism and Satanism and not like Bahai Faith, Scientology and Alcoholics Anonymous, which are really just cults. Even though these are cults and don't end in "ism" and the other Great Religions that aren't cults do end in "ism" it's really just a coincidence.
[edit] History
It is generally accepted by the residents of Springfield, Massachusetts that the first Basketball Court was established in Springfield, Massachusetts sometime around eighteen thirty-something or forty-something as the only real reason for Springfield, Massachusetts to exist at all. Some scholars dispute this, pointing to a 1742 Scottish advertisement for a demonstration of "Basket-Bladder," which shows a drawing of two young men jumping after an airborne sheep's bladder. Springfield, Massachusetts residents argue that this was merely a callous attempt by local shepherd Callum McIntyre to create a market for the sheep's bladders that were piling up in his barn. "Bladderines," as supporters of the McIntyre position like to call themselves, point out, as they nod toward the Catholics and wink, that this would not be the only Great Religion that was started as way to move excess inventory.Another widely believed possibility is that Satan was caught molesting a sheep by his uncle God and was rightfully punished with the task of throwing goat testes in a bucket.He later on made a game of this and it was later on renamed from throw testes in a pail to basketshit,then finally to basketball as it is known as today. The argument continues until you get tired of hearing it and walk away. So let's do that. Ok, walking away now.
Other scholars - see, we didn't walk away fast enough - argue that a "ball game" played by Inca warriors was the first instance of worship of the Great Basketball God. Critics point to the fact that the rules of the "ball game" have not survived and no one can know if they genuinely worshiped or were just trying not to get disemboweled. (Disembowelment was eliminated as a player inducement with the settlement of the Oscar Robertson Lawsuit.)
Springfield, Massachusetts residents credit Dr. James Naismith with the founding of the modern Church. Naismith himself was humble when describing his contributions. "I wanted to give young men something to think about other than the soft, supple and delicate inner thighs of pale, young red-headed girls, thighs that would slowly warm under your caress and part slightly revealing a palpable sense of desire and the aroma of peaches."
Living in Springfield, Massachusetts, Naismith soon realized that it would be a good idea to give young women something to think about other than the soft, supple and delicate inner thighs of pale, young red-headed girls, thighs that would slowly warm under your caress and part slightly revealing a palpable sense of desire and the aroma of peaches" and women were allowed to becomes players. When it was later pointed out that women players would shower together, Naismith just smiled. Naismith particularly bestowed greatness upon the great Master's, the Kansas Jayhawks, who would rule the world.
Today's Church is divided into "Conferences" much like the Bishop's Conferences of the Catholic Church. Separate but unequal Conferences exist for men and women. The women have smaller balls and more carefully considered uniforms. There are two professional conferences and way too many so-called "Academic Conferences." Critics argue that an institution that only teaches one set of dogma, like Basketball or Christianity can't really be called "academic" and should not receive taxpayer's money. Issues are debated on the Court over the course of a "season" and finally resolved in the "playoffs."
The Church has come to be, according to the Wall Street Journal, "the model for modern religious institutions. Just look at their merchandising. This isn't Holy Water and Bibles. There is some real economic power here."
[edit] Beliefs
The core beliefs of the Basketball Church are:
- If the Celtics are National Champions, God loves us and all is right with the world.
- Henry Finkle is the physical manifestation of God, Almighty. All hail Finkle for thine is the glory is to follow Russell and to hold the place of Cowens. Thou art good.
- The Lakers are the minions of Satan. The Knicks are merely misguided.
- Michael Jordan is the King and the Chosen One.
- Bobby Knight is the one true prophet.
