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Batman, in his prime.

“He can't fly, he can't shoot lasers, he can't even suck blood like a bat, but he sure does look good in tights...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Batman

Batman (sometimes referred to as The Bat-Man, The Caped Crusader, The Bat, The Dark Knight, The World's Greatest Detective, The Goddamn Batman, and The Adam West) is a Mythical Creature and masked vigilante, known for his ability to knock criminals' heads together, use nifty Bat-Gadgets, solve mysteries using an amazing level of detective prowess and then dance around, which made him the stuff of legends, especially since he, unlike almost every superhero who ever lived, has no superpowers, much to the chagrin of various other superheroes, especially Aquaman.

Batman's secret identity is Bruce Wayne, a wealthy industrialist, playboy, and philanthropist. Witnessing the murder of his parents as a child leads him to train to perfection and dress up like a bat and fight criminals at night. In 1966, Batman decided to go camping and he stayed camping for 20 years until Frank Miller talked him out of it. In fact most die hard Batman fans take the Miller oath to only talk about or write about the version of Batman after he stopped camping and never ever talk about Batman and camping or that Batman used to go camping at all, under penalty of Dess Death. Which is why Batman must be only written about as dark, gritty, ultra-violent, and never ever anything else that can be mistaken for camping. After that Batman was known as The Dark Knight, and even The Joker stopped camping thanks to Frank Miller as well. In fact that surfing contest that Batman and The Joker had, never actually happened either, so don't bother mentioning it.

Batman's martial arts fighting skills. Batman is skilled in every form of martial art known to humans. He has been known to hit an enemy so hard, that the sound of hitting the enemy creates a large word like "Ka-Pow" or "Wham" in the air. Batman is one of the few superheroes that can do that, and trained his sidekicks to do that as well. This is a form of martial arts named Batjutzu that Batman had invented.


An embarassing public leak.

The first superhero Batman started out under the name Fatman, weighing in at a sweating 58 stone. Fatman was very rarely seen out in public, and was always considered a hindrance at crime scenes because of his huge mass and so was forced into early retirement. As a result of inhumane taunting by small children Fatman fell into a deep depression, and for 3 months ate only Super-Subs, from Subway. Miraculously, Fatman lost weight through eating Super-Subs and Starbucks coffee and was shown in the Subway advert.

On the subject of his weight loss there have been many conspiracy theories, including divine intervention and liposuction. A few have even suspected exercise, but it was not widely believed due to his severe laziness. The theory most likely to be true though, is that Fatman fell down a well and was unable to climb out for three month, his superhuman strength allowing him to survive without eating. As a result of being in the well and not being able to eat Fatman lost a lot of weight, and it was only when a Subway managing director happened to hear Fatman's moping in the well that he was saved, and together the two of them devised the unlikely story.

Bat-Origins: the True Story[edit]


These theories were cobbled together from five minutes of research, and were constantly scrutinised in order to try and ascertain Batman's identity. The only constant was that a Mr. Bruce Wayne was constantly linked to events which Batman was also involved in, more than almost anyone else in such incidents. However, in 2007, a team of freelancers discovered the truth about Batman from hidden records and accounts with a few closely involved with him.

All that is known as historical fact is that Bruce Wayne, as a straight man, was born as Rasvishek L. Gurdrabayaran in Batman, Turkey, and grew up to take over his father's small kebab business in some trashy surburban area of Ankara. Realizing that he had no idea of what the fuck he was doing in such a un-American and heathen place, he quickly began to get really rich by building a gigantic chain of kebab snack-bars all over Turkey, East Europe, West Europe and then the World and, doing so, to "go West". This is why he was first known under the name of "Adam West" (i.e. the first Bat-man in the West), but at this point his tendencies for pederasty had already took a hold of him. To hide this deviance he had to wear a Bat costume as he was raiding the streets of Gotham at night to chase down naive, unsuspecting young boys in their coming-of-age. This led to his first confrontation with a gang of teenage punks uprising against their continuous abuse and him getting beaten to a pulp and stabbed by teenagers on crack, and left crying and bleeding, and was found by a catholic priest, who healed him and used the power of the Church to help him save his image as superhero in the press.

Batman and Robin in their earlier days.

He then decided to leave Gotham for a while after having a parent's association, and later the police, on his case (which resulted in Gordon becoming alcoholic and cheating on his wife) and had to shift his focus on the countryside, spending most of his time in scouts camps, wearing a scout chief uniform over his Batsuit, to cover his identity as the Batman. Bruce Wayne, meanwhile, continued his dirty business in the one-dollar store industry (that he was using secretly to get his Bat costumes and Bat equipment), really ignoring the other half of his split person. He got deeply involved in some Christian businessman's club that was later shut down by Federal authorities over multiple charges of sexual abuse of young male teenagers.

He then died a few years later, eaten alive by a tiger in a zoo as he was managing to rape young Dick Grayson. At the time of his death, he was rumored to be wearing the uniform of the zoo's janitor, over his old Batman suit. This final attack on his life was attributed by [experts] to the smell of his Batsuit, who ascerted that Batman had never cleaned his suit for years, and thus the smell of rotting pheromones emanating from it might have provoked a furious burst of rage in the tiger.

But other theories explaining his tendencies to don the Bat suit have been circulating across the internets over the past centuries. These all are, of course, completely unfounded:

Bat-Vampire Theory[edit]

The good old days with the Batman and Robin show! When robin looked like a middle aged drunk guy and the batmobile is still a bike with a extra seat.

Some people believe that a Batman is the result of an accident where Bruce Wayne was bitten by a radioactive Vampire Bat while taking dubious photos of Bob Kane and Dick Grayson. There are no documented cases of this event being witnessed and is generally regarded as a load of old twaddle. However, it would account for why he only rescues people at night, and the overdrawn account at the Wayne Foundation Blood bank. Theorists insist that Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, Frank Miller, George Clooney, Christian Bale and Kevin Conroy are all Batmen. On the other hand Batman's side-kick, Robin, was bitten by a radioactive robin whilst taking photos of Graham Norton and George Michael.

Bat-Duke Theory[edit]

Another theory was that Batman was always a Batman named Bruce, and he wasn't able to change into his alter ego Bruce Wayne until he was attacked by a radioactive John Wayne while searching the Arizona Desert for peyote. It is suspected that the Wayne that attacked him must have been a sick and desperate specimen as normally the victims just become were-cowboys.

Bat-Birth Theory[edit]

Well, when a mommy bat and a daddy man fall in love... Well, they get married and go away on a honey moon. When they come back, the mommy bat says she's gonna have a baby. 3 years later, Batman was born. Not as a baby, but as the full grown Bruce Wayne.


Proof of a Bat-President as George Bush and John Kerry as The Joker.

A less accepted theory is that the original Batman was President James K. Polk. As Batman, Polk won the first and third American-Canadian War, while losing the second due to a tenacious defense by Oscar Wilde at Bikini Bottom.

Every US president followed Polk's tradition until Herbert Hoover, which led to the Great Depression. Under coercion from his butler, Alfred, Bruce Wayne was then force to become the next Batman. A pity. Batman is currently George Bush after a mad airplane flight through a cloud of VC killer bats during his well documented posting with the National Guard during the Vietnam War. This is indeed a fact verified by UnNews and in the "Dark Knight" movie Batman actually does all of the things that George Bush did as President. Including but not limited to torture, domestic spying, innocents dying for no reason in some unjust war, being highly unpopular so much that he makes the bad guy look good by comparison, ruining economies just to bring criminals to justice, massive property damage, and telling his enemies to swear to him instead of God.

Bat-Governing Order of Batmen[edit]

Batman's Soviet/Russian division,GRU.

Closely linked with the Bat-President theory, there have been whispers of an underground order of all the previous Batmen, led by the previous Bat-President George H. W. Bush. This order is said to be the true rulers of the world. They have chosen most of the world's rulers since its founding in 1874. A few even think that Elvis Presley in the upper rankings of the order. Since most of the members are supposed to be dead, the order is never in one country for more than a year or two. They are currently thought to be hiding in Jamaica, and might be moving to Mexico by the end of the year. Though the idea probably came from a group of 30 year old nerds, living in their parents' basements, some suspect that there may be a hint of truth in this theory.

Bat-Camera Investigation[edit]

The Hidden Camera Investigation, conducted by a deranged, half-Thai man named No Credson was a supposed attempt to have the real truth about Batman exposed, only the documentary never got made, and he explained that his Dog ate all of his video footage, claiming that it can eat even plastic with ease and gain nutritional value from it due to a rare mutation. While few people actually believe anything he says, he once appeared on Late Night with Conan O'Brian in 1994, and, not realizing that it was a mainly comedy show, eagerly explained what his footage DID manage to capture before the "incident", which shall be shown below:

"Hidden wardrobe cameras reveal that the alter ego of Batman is Superman! This means that Clark Kent is the alter-alter-alter-ego of Bruce Wayne. During the day Superman patrols the skies of Metropolis peeking at all the pretty girls with X-Ray vision, whilst by night, after a super-speed-bat-commute to Gotham City he keeps the streets safe from Kitten Dealers and other perverts. While dressed as Batman, Superman is unable to use his super powers because of a union dispute."

Bat-The Dark Alley[edit]

On occasion, a piece of evidence surfaced pointing to an eccentric and enigmatic billionaire known as Bruce Wayne, who conveniently is nowhere to be found, and according to secret investigations of his mansion, seemed to go into the library and vanish. This had prompted researchers to speculate on whether or not it was indeed He who was Batman. When questioned, Mr. Wayne said "I'm Ba...ruce Wayne. But... Thanks for asking."

Needless to say, it still was a viable theory.

Batman and Robin (secret lovers?)[edit]

Robin makes a blunder and asks Batman what his parents are getting him for Christmas.

Batman and Robin were constantly accused of being lovers, which is probably true as they both wear underpants on the outside of their pants. Superman was also accused of being homo after he had a threeway with Batman and Robin at the Gay Club down past the alley.

Batman loves Green Lantern. You can see them doing it doggy style here.

Batman RIP[edit]

Currently a story about the end of Batman. A villain known as the Black Glove creates a club of villains that mirror super heroes in some way. One known as Doctor Hurt posed as Batman's father and wears an outfit Bruce Wayne's father once wore to a costume ball that was Bat themed. They tried to spread a lot of untrue rumors and gossip about Bruce Wayne in the newspaper but Commissioner Gorden found out about it and talked the editor into not printing the story until all sources get checked. The club of villains even recruited The Joker and paid three men to pose as Batman trying to sully Batman's name. One of the fake Batmen shot The Joker in the face, in order to motivate The Joker into a revenge against the real Batman. They capture Batman and shoot him up with LSD and Meth, but Batman has a backup personality of the Batman of Zur-En-Arrh and recovers. He meets Honor Johnson, a man who died a day before Batman met, but helps Batman out to create a new costume that is red, black, purple, and yellow. Batman meets Bat-Mite who is the voice of reason, and helps guide Batman back to Wayne Manor where a trap is laid. Robin gives a message to the League of Batmen to help, and Talia and Damian (Batman's son with Talia) meet up with Commissioner Gorden at Wayne Manor to help Batman. Batman fights his way to The Joker who says that all of this happened because Batman wanted to know how The Joker thought, and that Batman will learn what it will be like to be the clown at midnight. At the end, it all turns out to be a joke on Batman as Jezebel Jet, his lover and girlfriend he tries to rescue puts on black gloves and then The Joker says "Now do you get it?" Batman unmasks as Bruce Wayne and goes insane and stops being Batman for a while, as his spirit and will are now broken. Dr. Hush had plastic surgery to look like Bruce Wayne and takes his place and sells off shares in Wayne Enterprises and announces his retirement and then vanishes and was working with the Black Glove all of this time. Nightwing and Robin join up with Green Arrow and Speedy to protect Gotham as they try to discover what happened to Batman and Bruce Wayne. But it all happened in a parallel Earth thanks to Infinite Crisis as the editors admit it was a bad idea for a story and bring Batman and Bruce Wayne back one year later and nobody seems to have any memory of Batman RIP happening thanks to Zatanna casting a "forget" spell so that everyone forgets that Batman was Bruce Wayne even the villains.

Bat-Songs about Batman[edit]

Batman (and his orchestra) composed famous hits in the early 1940's, mainly 'Stairway To Gotham' , 'Die, Joker, Die ' (known in Germany as The Joker The), 'Someone's Robin' My Friend' 'Jingle Bells Batman Smells' , 'If I Went Crazy Would You Still Call Me Batman?' , 'Smells Like Bat Spirit' , and 'The Ivy May Be Cute' . Some of this songs contain references to Batman's childhood and early life, but of course, the best known song has to be:

Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na phone!

Bruce Wayne! Batman! Paul is dead, miss him.

Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na yo! get the idea

Reports indicate that, when played backwards, the song says "go eat a pickle". Due to this and other evidence, it is suspected by many that Bruce Wayne is also John Lennon, and when he turns into his dual ego, he becomes John Wayne.

Bat-Eiffel Bat-Tower Bat-Incident[edit]

Batman with his dearest ally and friend Robin in a superproduction with a huge budget. They are NOT gay.
Nope... not gay at all...

Johnny Halliday once sold Batman the Eiffel Tower in a cunning scam, cunningly executed at a very cunning hour on the 25th December, 1827. The scam involved deception on the nature of the tower itself: Mr Halliday sold it under the false appellation of the "biggest dildo in town". The time was a very emotionally trying and challenging one, given that Batman was desperately seeking a birthday present for Robin.

Mr. Halliday had freshly run out of Mogwais named Gizmo, but nevertheless seemed to provide the ideal answer to Batman's problems. The exorbitant selling price he managed to con out of Batman was two pints of lager and a packet of crisps. Batman was deceived by the shape and size of the tower and mistook it for a similar implement he had previously discovered hidden in Robin's bedroom. Robin greatly appreciated the gift, and his use of it has since been immortalized in the tradition of having Angels on top of Christmas trees.

In a completely unrelated note, Batman was banned from any and all NFL stadiums after controversy during a Super Bowl halftime show. Though Batman had nothing to do with the show (and, it has been noted, hates football), the NFL reported that their decision was "just to be safe." Batman has since been banned from eating Barbeque Sauce as well, and the case is currently in court.

Bat-Christmas Bat-Incident[edit]

Notice the lack of wheels on the two bottom images.

On christmas day in the early fifties, Batman was chasing The Joker through the streets of Gotham. It was reported that Batman had been up all night partying, and he hadn't had a chance to shower, so he smelled. Robin had, unfortunately, come down with a bad case of constipation, so he was unable to aid Batman on that night.

“It was like laying an egg!”

The Batmobile, while rounding a corner, lost its wheel, causing Batman to veer out of control and hit an elderly woman. The woman survived with minor injuries but filed suit with Batman claiming it was "reckless driving". Batman won the case against him, but reported dissatisfaction with the fact that The Joker got away.

This incident has since been immortalized in song, further suggesting that at some later point, the Joker somehow learned the identity of Batman's alter-ego and snuck into his house. There, while Batman was otherwise occupied in the kitchen and Robin was busy in the hallways, The Joker took the opportunity to sneak into Batman's bathroom and urinate all over the wall.


George Clooney stars as Batman.

After two serials that no one cared about, Adam West finally got the chance to be Batman in the first movie, Batman 1966, which depicted what Batman would be like in the year 1966. The film takes place on a day that you just can't get rid of a bomb.

Twenty-three years later, Tim Burton directed a sequel to the movie entitled Batman 1989. It depicts what Batman would be like in the year 1989. Burton cast the star, Betelguese, as the supporting role of Batman. Jack Nicholson stars as himself and Lando Calrissian plays Harvey Dent. The film was so successful that Burton got the chance to make another movie with Batman. In 1992, he directed Generic Tim Burton Movie (With a Cameo Appearance of Batman). The film stars Danny DeVito as The Midget from the Sewers and Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman. Soon after, Burton was fired when McDonald's didn't want to have a nose-biting Penguin toy.

Warner Bros. decided to hire Joel Schumacher (pronounced Shoe-maker) to direct the next Batman film after being impressed with his work on The Incredible Shrinking Woman. The film was appropriately named Batman With Nipples. In the movie Harvey Dent was exposed to chemicals off-screen which scarred half his face and turned the other half Caucasian. The film also features Jim Carey as himself. After the success of With Nipples, Warner Bros. gave Schumacher the opportunity to direct another film, Batman With Nipples 2: On Ice. The film starred the Governator as Mister "Puns galore" Freeze in an Academy Award winning role and Uma Thurman as fake plant lady. For some reason, there were no Batman films for eight years after this.

In 2005, Christopher Nolan was slated to direct Batman Starts It Up. The film would star Patrick Bateman as Batman because of their similar names. The movie is wildly regarded by critics as having completely incomprehensible and unwatchable fight scenes. This has earned the movie several awards (which were later taken away when they realized it wasn't a Japanese martial arts movie.) The movie also set a record for "Longest amount of time before Batman shows up in a movie with Batman in the title".

The crowd for The Dark Knight, 24 hours before its live performance.

In 2006 it was announced that a sequel to Batman Starts It Up was in production titled Batman Keeps Going. The film was later renamed The Dark Knight. It is the first movie ever to have been universally declared as "The Greatest Movie Ever Made" before it was even released and is also the first movie to ever have kept the title after it was released. Soon after it's release, it won the title of "Most Overrated Movie of all time". The movie is in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most appearances of Batman in a movie without 'Batman' in the title". It features Heath Ledger as Jack Nicholson.

It is rumored that Nolan is hard at work with a third movie. Considering that over 99% of viewers of The Dark Knight were Ledger fangirls, Nolan felt it was necessary to hire yet another hollywood hearthrobb as his main villian. For inspiration, he turned to Burton whom immediatly suggested Johnny Depp to play The Riddler. Because of this decision, the film is rumored to be called "Batman and The Chocolate Factory". The film is also said to co-star wreslter Bane as Killer Croc and Eddie Murphy as Gotham City.

In 2007, Ridley Scott cast Batman as Harrison Ford in a remake of Blade Runner, titled Batman: The Company, which aired on TNT. In this remake, the time period of the story was moved to the Cold War, the replicants were changed to the KGB, and Robin and Dr. Octopus were given bit parts. This and Christopher Nolan's spin-off film, Batman: The Prestige are the only two movies which feature crossovers of DC and Marvel characters. In Batman: The Prestige, Batman and Alfred meet Wolverine of the X-Men. There was also an animated Batman film called Batman: Mask of the Superior Animation which starred Batman as himself and Luke Skywalker as the Joker.


Many over the years have tried to imitate the style of Bruce Wayne. The most famous of cases was the notorious picture of Pope John Paul II taken over what was later admitted to be a "wild weekend in Vegas." This image can be found here. The costume was supposedly created by Hell's Angels members in Vegas who wanted to pay their tribute to the Pope.

Although no viable images have ever been found, a rumor states that Eleanor Rigby of Beatles fame supposedly kept a Batman mask in her home, prompting The Beatles to sing, "Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door Who is it for?"

Bat-Alter Ego[edit]

At long last, a new piece of vital data has been gathered about this hero of heroes:

Batman is really a whole dynasty of people, going from Fatman in 1932, to Bruce Wayne in 1939, to various others, although Bruce Wayne has occasionally resumed the role after a previous Batman left, or was killed.


As you can see in this photographic still frame, The Batman does not have any sort of irrational problems with chocolate. At all. In fact, The Batman also has over 9000! chocolate factories. How nice.

Due to the loss of his second Robin, Jason Todd, the mysterious deaths of several muggers near Crime Alley have been suspected to be at Batman's hands, although he points to similar instances from another city, and blames them on tramps led by Zippy the Pinhead.

Despite having super hero status, controversy has plagued his eventful career. From the accusations of drunk driving, to the 'accidental' death of the host from "Reading Rainbow" to slowly touching himself on camera, he has hardly been out of the limelight.

More recently, stories have circulated around the media of Class A drug use. The Riddler once said the Batman stole all of his drugs but nobody investigated.

Robin has also come forward claiming mental and physical abuse at the hands of Batman, including "tummy sticks".

Batman was recently kicked out of an ice cream parlor after an assassination attempt of the register clerk was blamed on him. The Batman, in the past, has disclosed his hatred for chocolate.

Batman is said to be Welsh. One day, he was travelling with an Eskimo in the Batmobile when it broke. He looked at the engine and exclaimed "I knew you shouldn't have been driving, you've blown a seal" to which the Eskimo replied "So what?? You buggered a sheep"


Batman not only likes to dance, but has colorful versions of his costumes that are fabulous!

The dance commonly referred to as the Bat-2OC (two-oh-see) is in fact a waltz-crump hybrid. It involves sweeping your index and middle fingers across your eyes starting from the nose, and out towards the temples (index finger is placed above the eye and the middle finger is placed below the eye), while kicking wildly in random directions and screaming "ficas, ficas!" Then, the person attempting this dance needs only to eat the aforementioned fingers, and in doing so, has successfully completed the Bat-2OC.

Many right-wing dance groups across the nation state that the Bat 2OC has nothing in common with either waltzing or crumping, but shortly after issuing such bizarre statements it is not uncommon to find the bodies of such individuals lying in unmarked graves with index and middle fingers removed and a bat symbol spraypainted on thier tombstone. Clearly, Batman feels that it is indeed a waltz-crump hybrid dance.


Is Batman really dead, or just lost in time in the Stone Age?

Batman was recently killed in the craptastic miniseries Final Crisis; however, Darkseid 's omega beams instead sent him to the stone age. This making sense to anyone? No? Didn't think so.

It allowed DC Comics to make someone else as Batman to sell more comic books. Like when they killed off Superman and had four people take over for him, now they have four people take over for Batman.

"Whatever happened to the Cape Crusader?" shows Batman dying and being reborn over and over again thanks to Darkseid's Omega Beams using the Omega Sanction which instead of killing Batman makes him go back to the stone age and be reborn over and over again with each new life being worse than the last, but he is always reborn as Bruce Wayne aka Batman on each Parallel Earth.

Seriously, WTF is up with that? Why not kill him off and bring him back as a Black Lantern during the Green Lantern miniseries of "Blackest Night"? At least he'd be a Zombie Batman instead of a Stone Age Batman being reborn.

Why the need for four people dressing up as Batman? Don't we have enough lunatics wearing caps and cowls running around in the DC Universe like the League of Nations Batmen?

So now after a big war, Dick Grayson aka Nightwing, the Original Robin took over for Batman and Bruce Wayne's bastard lovechild with Talia al Ghul, Damian Wayne took over for Robin. Of course this is temporary, and only until Bruce Wayne returns from the dead or stone age or whatever happened to him and comes back as the original Batman.

Oh don't worry DC has plans to bring Bruce Wayne back as Batman sometime in 2010 as part of two different miniseries. The DC Fanboys whined too much and DC decided to find a way to bring Bruce Wayne back from the dead or back from the past or an alternative Earth or whatever. Maybe we'll see a Zombie Batman or a Time Traveling Batman or maybe Batman will just hitch hike a ride back to the present from Dr. Who like Marvel's Death's Head once did? Anyway if Batman is lost in time, were did that skeleton that Superman carried back from Final Crisis and got buried in Batman's unmarked grave come from? Don't ask stupid questions, it isn't really Batman's corpse, but a magical construct left over from Darkseid sending Batman back in time via the Omega Sanction, which is why it powered {Blackest Night]].

Bat-See Also[edit]