Battle of Sesame Street

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The Battle of Sesame Street was a brief but bloody battle between the good guys, the bad guys, and the bad guys. It occurred in 1992.

Events prior to the battle[edit]

The Battle of Sesame Street is one embedded with intrigue, subterfuge, and lots of violence This is a notable event in the sense that a film has not been produced about it.

Rise of the Gang[edit]

With the rise of the Sesame Street Gang (SSG) in the area starting to eat away at the Mafia, Triads, and Yakuza. It was believed that a power change was imminent.

The Sesame Street Gang had the perfect cover; their stint as entertainers during the day allowed them to be gangsters at night, and since Muppets don't need sleep, it worked well.

High ranking members of the SSG (from left to right): Cookie Monster, Burt and Ernie, Elmo and Grover.

Various members took on various roles in the gang:

  • Elmo - A fluffer in the gang's porn industry, also directed and cast the stars. Was well known for killing most of his Production Crew.
  • The Count - The assassin of the group. Due to his vampiric abilities and OCD he has slayed but has never been seen. Was declared 'dead' in 2003, but this is unconfirmed.
  • Oscar the Grouch - The pimp. Had 12,000 hoes working for him at the time of the battle.
  • Aloysius Snuffleupagus - Also known as 'Snuffy'. The muscle of the gang. Addicted to caffeine pills, which made him fight for longer. He is occasionally known as the bad ass of the group after raping Pamela Anderson.
  • Grover - Head trafficker of drugs, and salesman. Sold anything and everything under the sun, and the sun itself.
  • Kermit the Frog - Drug trafficker, also an investigative reporter. Continuously used 'media spin' to take the gang off the spotlight. Also was a "Deep-Throat" about the case.
  • The Cookie Monster - Addicted to 'cookies'. Also part of the muscle of the gang. The promise of a 'cookie' now and more to come makes him a formidable opponent.
  • Big Bird - The Brains. Believed by some to be a loner, he was the puppeteer of the gang, bending the wills of those around him.
  • Bert and Ernie - The bodyguards. Bert was known to be particularly violent, infamously killing Mr. Hooper in 1983.
  • The gang was also known to have many local street gangs at hand in case numbers were needed.
  • Betty Lou - Sex Object of the Gang.
  • Curly Bear - Deceptionist, he lied about everything, even his name and Gender
  • Colambo - A soldier, one of many. He was rather un-important just pointless strength.

Their power steadily grew, starting to bring fear into even the toughest gangster.

In October of 1990, a prominent member of the Henson Gang was murdered outside a shop called Hoopers. Bert, a detective at the time, and also a member of the gang, was placed in charge of the investigation which was declared a suicide, with the pathologist noting:

“A most remarkable suicide, 12 stab wounds to the back, and a shot to the left temple, remarkable considering that the person in question was right handed”

~ Pathologist

This enraged nearly everyone and Bert was discharged from the NYPD.

The Meeting of the non-existent[edit]

Late December saw a meeting of the gangs of New York. Those that existed and those that 'didn't'. The meeting found the risks of the gang and their threat to the other gangs in the area. It was found that they were too much of a threat to be ignored.

The decision to start opposing them at every turn was reached. Squabbles between gangs were put aside as they decided to fight against this threat. However some gangs, most notably the Sharks and some smaller local gangs decided to declare their allegiance to the SSG.

Those opposed were known as Opposed to Sesame Street Gang, or OSSG Those allied with the gang went under the banner of Sesame Street Allies, or SSA.

The First Attack[edit]

The New Year saw the first attack happen. A joint team of Yakuza and Triads attacked a Drug Warehouse belonging to the SSG. Although none of the main players were there, the destruction of the Warehouse set back the SSG's drug production threefold. A loss of about US $20.7 Million. The gang didn't take this lying down; thus they executed an attack on the Triad's infamous gambling ring.

The attack on January 7 was vicious and a reported 78 innocent civilians were butchered.Several Triad card dealers were also among the dead.After the gang stole all of the casinos money,they burned them down with lighter fluid.

After weeks of skirmishing, the first attack on the street itself was launched with a undercover sniper Shooting Big Bird in the wing. Although failing to kill him, and being killed in the process only after taking out 8 bodyguards, it was a morale victory for the OSSG, and also led to the fear that gripped Sesame Street to diminish allowing the human residents to arm themselves and form the Sesame Street Militia.

Nonetheless the SSG made every attempt to maintain control of the street, but the group continued on underground in the nearby Sesame Street Station.

Prelude to Battle[edit]

The 26th saw the OSSG launch their attack, and they started to move out.They set off at 10:30PM, with the major players up front,and the lesser known ones staying back.

The movement was first noticed by the undercover guards of the gang on the outer borders of the territory, the guards being unnoticed due to the adoption of the 'Grouch Method', i.e. hiding in a bin or dumpster and watching out for enemies.

The leaders of the Gang were alarmed by this sudden change in events as they had learned that the SSM had decided to hold a meeting and it was the perfect time to wipe them out.

Big Bird contacted the allied gangs, and ordered them to come to the aid of the gang. The SSA arrived at 11:05PM, under strict orders to kill anyone that exited the subway station.

The commanders of the skirmishing groups were little known monsters known as Zoe and a character known as 'Forgetful' Jones, who was known for being a most unreliable witness. Nevertheless the skirmishers managed to delay the OSSG long enough for the leaders to prepare for battle.

Spectators waiting for the battle to begin.

The Battle of Sesame Street[edit]

The skirmishing stopped at 1:30 am a few blocks away from the street. The skirmishing groups made a defensive line outside a hotel known as 'The Furry Arms' on the end of the street, which is in reality a cul-de-sac.

Hidden from view were heavily fortified points which funneled the enemy into. The Street was turned into a series of choke-points and killing fields.

The OSSG proceeded with caution when the skirmishing stopped, to the point where many were walking in a defensive formation. On seeing the line the men charged only to be met be a single volley and the skirmishers fleeing down the street. The first men to enter the opening of the street were met with a hail of bullets from the monsters and their allies.

Fighting at the Barricades[edit]

It was here that the fighting was bogged down, but the choice of one of the gangs to hold the fortifications, the largest group, yet sadly to be relegated to the history books as the redshirts, took many casualties rather quickly and those somehow surviving needing to be pulled back behind in safety. Another gang, who, like the redshirts will never be known by their proper name, but codenamed 'Niggas 4 Life', managed to pin down but not kill members of the OSSG. As the OSSG managed to overpower the defenders it was the 'Niggas' that bought time for the SSG and the SSA to reach the next set of defenses.

When the barricades were finally breached at 3:01 am, many of the local gang members were cut down by Triads and Yakuza close combat members.

The End of the Sharks[edit]

The Second defensive line was strong, but not as strong as the previous one. It was located outside a shop called 'Finders Keepers'. Typically any gang warfare was held off on the first barricade, but it was not the case here. The second barricade was the same as the first, funneling the enemy into a narrow point, but was also defended with razorwire . The Mafia and other gangs pinned down the defenders while the wires were dealt with allowing vehicles to enter without being damaged.

With the loss of the point imminent the Sharks made the decision to stay and hold the lines for as long as possible. While the others fell back to the final strongpoint the Sharks manned the line taking out as many of them as possible. This was the site of the most bloody fighting as when the line was breached the sharks used everything at their disposal to fight, guns, rocks, rubble, teeth, anything to fight off the enemy. At the end of the fighting it would be found that no members of the Sharks would remain.

The Last Line[edit]

The lower ranked monsters and several other local gangs held this line. It was the narrows outside Hoopers Store and 123 Sesame Street which opened out to the cul-de-sac. A semi-permanent structure in 'peacetime' it was the strongest, and most difficult to break in this war.

With the OSSG closing on the gang, the guard on the nearby station was tripled.

The monsters were fighting for their survival and they held no quarter, shooting even their own who were left outside when the gates were closed and were trying to get in. It was at this point that the vans that the OSSG used to transport their men in were put to good use. They were rigged to drive straight into the barricade the explosion taking out as many as possible. Even with this tactic clearing the remaining defenders was a struggle.

It was at this time, as the fighting was entering the cul-de-sac the SSM made an offensive on the entrance of the station. With only minor losses they took out the guards and moved out to the street and into the buildings.

The Final Showdown[edit]

The barricades were down and the first group through were the motorcycle guys. Their speed allowed them to inflict lots of damage without heavy losses it was soon found out that in the smaller space taking out one bike would cause a domino effect with many falling too.

The following events take place in order.

  • 'Snuffy' and the Cookie Monster were ordered to guard Big Bird while other monsters and SSA took positions in the surrounding buildings only to encounter the SSM.
  • Curly Bear and Colambo were killed in an ambush early on in the showdown, they were the first. Whilst taking up positions they were mowed down by the Motorcycles small arms fire. Colambo survived however but was hit shortly after by a stray RPG from Bert.
  • In the building to building fighting the Count made an appearance killing members of the SSM easily but was killed when one member picked up a clove of garlic and threw it at his face. The SSM then took firing places at the windows and fired indiscriminately.
  • Whilst holding the "Fix it" shop, Elmo killed many OSSG members, before 2 grenades were thrown into the shop, next to the Gas Bottles. The explosion blew up 4 houses, killing Elmo and 4 OSSG members.
  • The Cookie Monster,Oscar,Grover and Snuffy attacked the OSSG members killing up to 25 of them. Cookie Monster ended up dying after taking 20 shots and 27 stabs before going down, while Snuffy was knocked out when a concrete block hit him.
  • Grover was stabbed in the face when he ran out of ammo, and Oscar whilst enraged by his comrades deaths hopped in his can in a rage of fury toward the enemy killing many before being hit by 3 rpgs at once and been flattened by a brick wall. Big Bird, seeing his guards ordered a regroup for a "Strategical Retreat"
  • Betty Lou was hit in the ass then raped by several OSSG members, they were killed when Herry and Mumford rescued her. They tried to get her back but she died of penetration.
  • Herry shortly after whilst trying to regroup with Big Bird for his escape was killed by a sniper. Although Mumford killed the sniper, less then 2 seconds after he was beaten to the ground and his head crushed by a OSSG member with a hammer.
  • Big Bird made his escape with Ernie and Bert covering him. They were later found riddled with bullet holes.

At 6:00 AM the guns fell silent. The SSM and the OSSG coming to terms.


Casualties[edit]

OSSG :Hundereds of members were killed, including several leaders. Cause of Death: Various

The Gang

  • Curly Bear. Status: KIA. Cause of Death: Over 100 bullet impacts, most to the groin.
  • Colambo. Status: KIA. Cause of Death: Explosion, thus incinerating his body.
  • Count. Status: KIA. Cause of Death: Severe allergic reaction to Garlic, and 5 post-mortem bullet wounds.
  • Elmo. Status: Stuffed in a Museum(KIA). Cause of Death: Severe 3rd Degree burns and sharpnel wounds, and brains squashed by building collapse.
  • Cookie Monster: Status: KIA. Cause of Death: 20 bullet and 27 stab wounds.
  • Snuffy: Status: Wounded in Action.
  • Grover: Status: KIA. Cause of Death: .50 cal bullet to face. Possible necrophiliac acts performed on corpse post-mortem
  • Oscar the Grouch: Status KIA. Cause of Death: 3 Rocket Propelled Grenade impacts 2 yards away(shrapenel), and flattening by a brick wall.
  • Betty Lou: Status: KIA. Cause of Death: Bullet to Anus, severe penetration in Anus.
  • Mumford: Status: KIA. Cause of Death: Bullet to the temple from camper.
  • Herry: Status: KIA. Cause of Death: Head Smashed with over sized hammer
  • Ernie: Status: KIA. Cause of Death: Over 50 bullets all over body
  • Bert: Status: KIA. Cause of Death: Over 50 bullets all over body
  • Big Bird: Status: RETREATED


The Aftermath[edit]

It was agreed upon that Sesame Street would not belong to any gang, and be under the hands of the SSM , which is considered by some to be a gang.

The fates of some were as follows:

  • Oscar was awarded posthumously "The Medal of Dumbarsery" and the "Medal of Honour" for his actions
  • Snuffy dealt with a serious alchol problem.In 2000,he was found guilty of the murders of three 15 year-old girls,and was sentenced to 23 years behind bars in a maximum security prison.
  • The Sharks were given a memorial at the site of the second barricade.
  • Any surviving monsters were found. Those that gave up were imprisoned, the others were shot.
  • The Sesame Street Gang was destroyed and the remaining assets were given to the SSM.
  • Big Bird moved to LA and mostly lay low,working with LA police to arrest gang bosses.In 2004,a little-known LA gang boss claimed that his 12 year-old son was kidnapped and raped by Big Bird,although most of his claimes were proved as false in the infamous 2006 trial.
  • Kermit became a well known Jounalist,selling his story to well-known newspapers,before his death of a drug overdose in May 2007.
  • The other gangs went home and the next day everything returned to normal.
  • Elmo's corpse was put on display at the Smithsonian....as gooey, smudgy and flattened as it was.
  • Guy Smiley joined NASA but was killed when Aliens experimented with him using an anal probe.
  • Sherlock sustained heavy injuries in the beginning of the battle from being ambushed and repeatedly hit with baseball bats and machetes. He died 2 months later.

See Also[edit]

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