Battle of the Kursk

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T-34s supporting UFOs during the battle. (UFOs not seen.)

The Battle of the Kursk was one of the largest battles of Second World War as well as one of the biggest UFO engagements in human history. German troops, having been pressed out of Stalingrad after a massive loss of 7 million troops, regrouped around 20 miles away from the village of Kursk, where millions (or possibly billions) of Soviet troops created anti-men and anti-tank traps, ranging from bear traps to steaks hidden under boxes held up by a stick to highly technologically advanced plasma cannons.


Phase 1[edit]

The German 9th Army began its assault towards Kursk. Soviet cannons targeted the tanks, they all missed. The German infantry fell for many of the bear traps and some pieces of steak lying before nets laid onto a hole in the ground. Then, Soviet soldiers moved forward to strip and rape the Russians women for revenge for the many rapes committed by the Germans on their fellow women.

Phase 2[edit]

Since many German troops in the north were being raped, the attack in the north became stalled. To the south, 4th UFO Army led by Herman Hegel flew towards the Kursk, vaporizing the many Soviet soldiers and equipment along the way, only to meet a Soviet force of UFOs. The Germans were surprised, but tried to vaporize the enemy UFO's, but then suddenly, aliens from Mars invaded the battlefield, dropped a massive hydrogen bomb, which vaporized all of earth and transformed the surviving soldiers into zombies.

Human Trickery[edit]

One German soldier survived the nuke, and for the next 70 years, built a time machine to go back in time to convince the aliens to attack a planetary ring called Halo, where it was rumored that an even more powerful alien race will come to Mars within 2 days and obliterate Martian civilization forever, and turn the female Martians into sex slaves, where on Halo, the ratio of male to female aliens was extremely low, resulting in the collapse of the prostitution industry in Halo. The Martians excepted, and didn't attack Earth. No one on Earth ever realized how the courageous actions of this particular soldier saved Earth, but no one cared.

Phase 3[edit]

By the end of the battle, the German UFOs were crippled, and nearly all German units have retreated from Kursk. The result was a Soviet victory. The victors celerbrated by raping all the German prisoners they caught. Soon, the russians were in a raping frenzy. No objects, animate or inaminate, were spared. Humans, horses, tanks, babies, babushkas, latkes, chickens, Stephen Hawking, and the entire cast of Friends were notable rapees. Some Russians managed to enter a time warp and rape objects in a completely different dimension. When the dust had settled, millions lay dead, or with penises worn to microscopic size.

Casualties[edit]

German WW2 sources:

Allied casualties: 5187540 slavs & 456890 jews
Axis casualties: 1295,2 People killed

Soviet sources:

Axis casualties: 10000 fascists
Allied casualties: -10 glorious Bolshevik stormtr--er, soldiers

Western sources:

Axis casualties: 3 Germans
Allied casualties: 435678760 communists (half killed by their own officers)

Retarded sources:

Axis casualties: Duuuuuuuh I like pie
Allied Casualties: uh (Drool) I make oopsy in my pants