Battle of the Little Bighorn

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A guy feeling the sting of the Little Bighorn.

The Battle of the Little Bighorn took place in the late 1800's during the Great Sioux War. Conflicts arose between gaggles of redskins and General Custer's Custard Crusade. Another name for the battle is "Custer's Last Custard Stand." The location of conflict was General Custer's Custard Stand on the Little Bighorn River. The North Cheyenne and Lakota tribes wanted a frozen yogurt stand on the river rather than a custard stand (being the health freaks that they are), so they formed a coalition to take down the general.

Red Bull forms an alliance[edit]

Chief Red Bull was sick of the Americans and their gluttonous ways, so he decided to hold the Fun Pants festival in which members of the Cheyenne and Lakota tribes wore parachute pants as they trained to be warriors with the great Native American fighter Hilly Banks. During this rather homoerotic event, the Americans prepared a three-prong attack to push the two tribes back into their teepees. The Americans planned with great determination, for they could not bear to fathom life without custard. The soldiers moved impulsively, for they wanted nothing more than their favorite frozen treat. However, they were rather clumsy in their movement, thus allowing the injuns to use their spidey senses to detect their location. News of the Calvary's folly reached the general, and he too showed impulse in his actions. He declared a full-on attack despite half of his soldiers having nothing but energy swords to fight the savages.

In AD 1876, war was beginning[edit]

Custer was too busy being a fat fuck to realize that the natives had a secret weapon: Apache Chief. They also had 800 more combatants than he expected. Suffice it to say, General Custer was in a clusterfuck of bad planning. After marching to the savages' homeland, the realizations became far more drastic. A scout said that it was the biggest native village he had ever seen. He reported that they had enough teepees to please the largest of bungholes.

Round one: fight[edit]

A major by the name Reno Nineoneone decided that he would lead his troops into the settlement in which the two tribes resided. Unfortunately, Apache Chief was on break from his gambling addiction when they were making their charge. He calmly exited his teepee, and then grew ten times in size; unintentionally causing the soldiers to dispense chocolate pudding. The Behemoth stomped towards the soldiers; he romped with the utmost force. However, a fearsome roar interrupted the seismic steps. Apache Chief stopped in his tracks, simultaneously dropping his jaw. "IT'S GOZIRRA," the oversized redskin exclaimed! He then ran to the hills: he ran for his life. With Godzilla on America's side (why do you think he always attacks Japan), nothing could get in the way of their forces. Flames bellowed from Godzilla's mouth; the village which had previously been guarded by trippy talking willow trees suddenly appeared through their charred skeletons. The number of the beast had certainly been called, but the Native Americans had a call of their own: the magical sword flute of the late chief, Ranger That Blends With Grass. Upon playing the magical instrument, the ground shook; rumbled enough to hinder Godzilla's balance. Suddenly, the legendary Dragonzord emerged from the mountainous terrain. With a gigantic leap, the metal construct hurled itself toward the cowering Godzilla. The Dragonzord caused enough of an impact to send Godzilla blasting off again, and with a tiny flash of light, the dinosaur was no more.

Round two: the second ally[edit]

Major Reno had no idea what to make of this suddenly colossal battle taking place in front of him. His stomach was upset, but that was just the dysentery that he was recovering from. The natives stood at the edge of their ransacked village cheering on the Dragonzord as it approached the seemingly doomed army. However, the tide of battle changed with a simple biological process within the human body. With a sneeze heard around the world, Reno expelled a plethora of germs and mucas towards the natives and their hero. By unfathomable luck, the sneeze reached the Dragonzord and Chief Red Bull who flanked his army around the titan, poised to attack. The instant that the dysentery-contaminated expulsion made contact with the two, they collapsed in a mere split-second. Major Reno realized that lady luck had blessed him with the runs: he had found the redskins' kryptonite. He proceeded to tub-girl the villagers, eradicating them en masse. The battle was all but won by the Americans.

Round three: final round[edit]

Upon destroying the village, the soldiers celebrated by rounding up the leftover indians and performing a primitive form of the Abu-Ghraib shenanigans. General Custer looked upon the pillaged village and finally felt at ease. He rode towards his encampment into the bright red sunset. However, he returned to the base and found his custard stand in ruins. The distraught general sank to his knees and clutched the dirt mixed with melted cherry-vanilla custard. His fists tightened, tightened; squeezed the air out of his grip. The soldiers returned, to see their commander warding off tears. However, their arrival renewed a sense of hope in him. He rose boldly, with the utmost authority; he commanded the troops' attention upon doing so. With their undivided focus, the general delivered one of the most influential speeches in American history.

General Custer's Speech[edit]

Custer: Sons of Liberty, I am General Custer.

Random Troop: General Custer is a midget.

Custer: You... You shut your mouth. No custard for you.

Random Troop 1: Awww, gee golly willickers, sir. Can I not have a scoop?

Custer: No! You ruined your chances.

Random Troop 1: I wish Abraham Lincoln were here: he'd emancipate my ass some of it.

Custer: That's not even the correct usage of "emancipate"! God damn it, let's just move on. I see a whole army of delectable dessert enthusiasts in hopes that it may one day have unlimited chocolate custa-

Random Troop 2: But I like vanilla!

Custer: Okay, fine! Vanilla too. Now shut your mouths and let me finish! You have come to fight as hungry men, and hungry men you are. What would you do without custard? Will you fight?

Random troop 1: Fight? Against giant Indians and mecha-dinosaurs? No, we will make as the French do and run; and we will live with other desserts such as cake and moon pies.

Custer: Aye, fight and you may die; run, and you'll live- at least a while. And hungry at your dinner tables many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell these savages that they may take our lives, but they will never take our custard!


Random troop 1: I'm pretty sure I could find custard back home. Plus, why the Hell would I stay out here in this uncivilized land?

Custer: The custard back home... IT'S NOT THE SAME!

Random troop 1: Whatever, screw you, I'm going home.

General Custer's Revenge[edit]

Custer mustered all of the plans that he could: he mustered despite being flustered by the blustering winds. Suddenly, he conceived the perfect plan: he decided that he would eradicate the few natives left within the destroyed village. He rode on his trusty steed back to the village, and gazed upon it with the most devious of intentions. He then made his way in, slowly watching for signs of life. He suddenly heard faint whimpering; a collapsed teepee hid the source. Custer lifted the remnants of the dwelling and found a worthy prize. He grabbed the native girl who could only stare with the widest eyes.

An accurate depiction of what went down

Lust filled Custer; he stripped off his clothing as well as hers. Once both parties were nude, he proceeded to mercilessly rape her. He finished his dirty business rather quickly and proceeded to move forward. As he passed corpses and debris, he could not help but notice an ominous humming in the distance. With no warning, a pink metallic capsule hovered above the confused Custer and proceeded to somehow lift him up with a beam. As quickly as he boarded the ship he was ejected, but in unfamiliar territory. The capsule dropped him off in a forest with no evidence as to the location.

Custer's Demise[edit]

Surrounded by unfamiliar trees, Custer knew not what to do. He began to walk, but stopped upon noticing a figure in the distance. A man in a white coat approached him quickly. He spoke; "We must study you. We must for the benefit of humanity." Custer just stared at him; he saw the hostile nature of the man. Custer drew out a pistol and quickly shot the man, leaving him to die. He then continued on his way only to be stopped by another person. This time, the person was a man in a blue suit with some sort of sleek black spectacles. "Custer, you must not piece the two fragments of the phone together." Custer froze in shock for a second, and then replied, "First off, how do you know my name? Secondly, what in the sam Hell is a phone"? "You must not rebel- resistance is futile," said the man. Custer simply stated, "But my bullets ain't," and proceeded to shoot the gentleman between his shaded eyes. Upon returning the weapon to its holster, Custer could not help but feel as if he just killed off the only two people aside from himself in this strange land. "God was rather lackadaisical when he created this world," he thought to himself. He swiftly moved on from his distracting thoughts and forged ahead. With a crack and a thud, Custer's forward progression was halted: he had fallen into a pit. "Damn it, how am I supposed to get out of this thing"? He tried climbing, but the dirt had no grip. He sat around with little hope to hold onto when suddenly his neck extended and somehow caused him to slowly ascend out of the pit. He was free; he could again try to find his way home. He inched towards the ledge and its redemption, when suddenly he fell back into the pit.

Custer loudly questioned the supreme being, "God, what were you thinking when you created this place"? An unexpected answer shot down from the heavens: "I had to hastily put it together to please the masses." Custer then attempted to collect his cool, and in a more calm fashion challenged the lord. "Why would you sacrifice quality? You ultimately turn people away by doing so." God in his eternal wisdom stated, "People will live life anyway, regardless of how much effort I put into the life experience." "Yes, to a fool that conclusion would be logical, but I cannot help but be astonished with your fallacy. Will people not commit suicide to escape such a mediocre life? The great Ajax took his own life due to your decision not to give him Achilles' armor: what's to stop people from doing it when they see this shallow land you have given birth to"? God paused for a moment and realized what he had done: "Good lord, you are wise. With people in this new world returning their lives to me left and right, I will fail to retain my success as the almighty. I must do what is right and bury this world within the abyss so that its mediocrity will never have the chance to torture an innocent soul." God then placed his encompassing hand around this doomed planet, and hurled it into chaos: never to be seen again. Custer held on for dear life, or the few seconds of it that remained before he too became nothing. "God is not perfect," he thought. "I, a mere mortal trumped his logic; I, a mere mortal have found my way to his very core- perhaps he will rule his domain with more prudence. My life was not in vain- I shook the almighty and I shook me an injun all night long." His final thought reached a conclusion, and so did his experience; his perception; his being; his identity; his memories; his self became lost in the nether, never to return. At least he had custard.

A rare photo of the land that brought about General Custer's ruination-he is the green figure

See also[edit]