Battle of the Pearly Gates

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The Battle of the Pearly Gates was a military conflict fought between Soviet Russia and the United States fought in the vicinity of Heaven. No one is quite sure about just what happened.

Contents 1 Causes 2 The Preparation 3 It Begins 4 The Precursor 5 Battle Royale 6 Casualties 7 Aftermath

[edit] Causes

In the year 1956 France surrendered effectively ending the Battle of the Bulge. With the loss of Germany (and Luxemburg) as a major military power. Because the Americans were best at killing Germans in the battle of the bulge everyone let them be in charge. Americans also got DA BOMB first. America’s friends (Britain, Canada, Sometimes Italy) decided they’d all get into a team so they wouldn’t have to bend to the whims of America. Britain wanted to call it the A-Team, Canada wanted to call it the Eh-Team and Italy wanted to call it the united federation of progressive thermadoriann recalcitrant post war nations. America heard about this and deployed 193 million troops to bitch slap the inhabitants of all the Eh-Team nations. The Eh-Team became NATO. At this point France surrendered.

During this same period in time Soviet Russia had replaced the German oppression in East Germany with Russian Oppression 9 out of 10 dictators agreed that Russian Oppression is much better. Soviet demon soldiers who had run out of German souls to eat invaded Wales. This created a major panic because no one knew where the fuck Wales was. Luckily Great Britain was able to use its intelligence agencies to report to NATO “Its right over here.” Even more confusion was created because no one knew what the fuck you call someone from Wales. The panic ceased when it was reported that the only inhabitants of Wales were Welsh Corgi puppies.

Although most members of NATO were cat-nations, America was a dog-nation. When the US got word that soviet super-soldiers had been devouring the souls of puppies America got really pissed. With the combination of this development and the fact that “it was that time of the month,” America immediately declared war on Russia on the grounds that “they are heartless puppy killers and that they are never interested in what I’m feeling.” NATO immediately declared war on Russia. Russia declared war on Brazil and Greece. France surrendered.

[edit] The Preparation

With the declaration of war America summoned their foremost military commander, Patrick O’Malley. Unfortunately since war had been declared the day after St. Patrick’s Day O’Malley was too hung-over to fight. America just used some guy they found smoking by the Lincoln Memorial. Britain’s entire army was on leave for 22 ½ years at the time so they could

only use their navy. King William immediately called the cryogenic freezing facility in Germany. Upon saying the password “Hammerzeit” German scientists unfroze Sir Francis Drake and emailed him to Great Britain. The Italians quickly switched sides, twice. Brazil asked if they could join NATO. NATO told them there were no girls allowed. Russia then invaded Brazil and killed everyone. The Greeks deployed their surface navy to move towards the sun. France Surrendered.

[edit] It Begins

Soviet Russia decided that it would be a better idea to attack countries around themselves than just attack America. About the same time a large volcano is South America erupted and debris from it blocked out the sun. Because of this it got really cold. Thus, the Cold War had begun.

[edit] The Precursor

Americans thought it would be a good idea to invade other countries and not Russia too so they began with Vietnam. When asked why Vietnam was the target the American government stated that the Vietnamese had offered “sucky sucky 5 dolla” in exchange for military intervention. America jumped at the chance. Eventually the Soviet allies in the north killed all the hookers in Vietnam. At this point the Pentagon Press Organization was quoted as saying “Fuck this, I’m leaving.”

[edit] Battle Royale

The Soviets had consumed over 324 billion German and Welsh Corgi Souls. At this point they had the ability to transport between separate plains of existence. Soviet strategists determined that the best position for their mid range nuclear missiles would be in heaven. Soviet general Douche Bigovski deployed his contingent of 782 million demon soldiers on a major hill to the north of the Pearly Gates. NATO intelligence somehow was able to determine that Bigovski had deployed his troops in preparation for the battle. Everyone got all whiney and bitchy because they couldn’t transcend different plains of existence. A brilliant American tactician however was able to determine that if all the American soldiers committed mass suicide they would respawn in heaven. Unfortunatly because they were all dirty sinners only the 18 mormon soldiers actually arrived in heaven after their deaths. The other 721 million were listed as Missing In Action. The 18 americans lined up to defend the entrance to heaven at the pearly gates. The battle began with a heavy shelling from soviet artillery pieces. Followed by this the soviets used squads of 3-4 million to probe out American positions. The Americans spent this entire time smoking. Bigovski decided that the American position was weak and opted for a head on charge from his entire army. The battle had been raging for at least 243 weeks when the Greek surface navy is said to have arrived. This had no effect on the battle raging between the Soviets and Americans because it was a submarine battle. At this same time the British navy arrived to counter the Greek ships. The battle was short because of the British advantage of having steel hulls and revolving deck guns while the Greeks used oars to power their ships and shot crossbows as their main weapons. By this point in the battle between the Americans and the Soviets General John “49 cent” McCartney, commander of American troops was completely encircled by Bigovski’s troops. After considerable pleading from American forces god reluctantly accepted to send his right hand man-slave-soldier, Battle Pope. With the arrival of Battle Pope on the front his power of good caused many of the demonically possessed Demon soldiers to melt. However Jesus returned from his lapdancing club and was quoted as saying “Fuck Off. Battle Pope Schmattle Pope” After another 0.0362 weeks of fighting the Americans were able to smoke until they got lung cancer, but this new lung cancer killed the old lung cancer instead of the American, they somehow managed to live. However, Battle Pope kill all 782 million Soviet Troops. At this point France surrendered and Italy switched teams in fear of reprisal from Battle Pope.

[edit] Casualties

Country	Dead	Wounded
Americans	720,999,982	0
Soviets	987,473,983,782,000,000	Who Cares. Look at ^.
Greece	122	432,000,000
Brazil	Everyone
Britain	1	1
France	0	18
Italy	333,333,333	22
Vietnam	All the hookers dead	12
Wales	All the corgis dead

[edit] Aftermath

For some reason everyone forgot that the Battle of the Pearly Gates happened. It had no effects whatsoever on history. Other than the deaths of the Vietnamese hookers and the Welsh Corgis there was no effect on the global economy.