Battle of the Pearly Gates

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The Pearly Gates are actually mostly made of old, rotten wood and Mardi Gras beads.

The Battle of the Pearly Gates (632 A.D. - Present) is an ongoing religious conflict chiefly involving Christians and Jews defending the Gates of Heaven from a rabble rousing band of Muslims demanding access to Heaven. It is the longest ongoing battle in the history of religious warfare and is the first and only battle to have ever taken place in the ethereal realm. Often cited as a continuation and prime example of the problems with religion on Earth, its roots begin almost entirely from events that happened in the world of the supernatural. It's estimated that over 24 billion souls have perished in the fighting also making it the most costly battle ever fought.


Shortly after the Prophet Muhammad (570 A.D - 632 A.D; 632 A.D - 632 A.D.) received his final hallucination from Allah in 632 A.D., he was critically wounded in a gun battle outside of a bar in Mecca. Afterward, a small number of the first Muslims to have recently died alongside Muhammad requested access to Heaven through the Pearly Gates.

Muhammad with his favorite Playboy shortly after receiving an AK-47 round to the head at Al-Kahal - a bar outside Mecca.

Citing an extreme propensity for violence, the gatekeeper known as St. Peter, refused entry to the growing number of Muslims amassing outside the heavenly walls. Distraught and angered at the idea of having to live outside the heavenly walls for eternity without their virgins, the Muslims began peacefully lobbing Molatov Cocktails over the walls of Heaven in an effort to persuade St. Peter to open the gates. Surprised by the sudden ruckus, the Archangel Hod poured boiling Holy Water over the walls in an attempt to thwart the uprising. As one of the few remaining Muslims who had not yet started this peaceful form of rioting, Muhammad was trying to negotiate a deal of unknown prospect with St. Peter. The boiling Holy Water from Hod's counter-attack missed most of the rioters but incinerated Muhammad on the spot. Watching their beloved prophet melt like the Bad Witch from The Wizard of Oz, this sent the crowd into an uproar. Chants of "Death To Heaven" rose outside the heavenly walls as more and more Muslims dying from religious warfare on Earth were gathering outside the compound. What ensued after was an onslaught of visceral attacks from one side to the other which eventually culminated in what is now known as The Battle of the Pearly Gates.

Muhammad's Double Martyrdom[edit]

After having died from an AK-47 wound to the forehead outside of a bar (Al-Kahal) in Mecca in 632 A.D., Muhammad was viewed as a martyr both on Earth and in the spiritual realm. Shortly after his death, and while bargaining at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter to get his followers into Heaven, boiling Holy Water was poured on his head. The last words from Muhammad just prior to melting away in a pool of viscous liquid were a very calm "I'm melting." Now viewed as a double martyr by his followers, many of them name their children after either Muhammad or his second set of last words - "Immelting."

Muhammad's second death triggered an all out assault on the gates of heaven from his followers. Their battle cry, "Death to Heaven, Peace Be Upon Immelting" has become synonymous with the Muslim world both on Earth and in the spiritual realm.

King Jesus Enters The Fray[edit]

The King of Burgers, Jesus, formulating a battle plan to destroy the growing Muslim rebellion.

King Jesus, (), A.K.A - "The Prince of Peace." "The King of Kings," "The Burger King," was unaware of the violent uprising taking place outside the Pearly Gates. Because he was forced by his father, God, to accept working double shifts as the master head chef of Burger King, he had been increasingly unaware of any political problems within the Kingdom of Heaven. On the evening of 943 A.D., over 300 years after the initial uprising, St. Peter sent for help and asked Burger King Jesus to amass his armies of faithful evangelical followers. Initially stunned that anything was wrong outside the walls of his kingdom, he is often but controversially depicted as having finished his clean-up duties, including the fryer, before laying out a call to amass his armies.

Because the first of many Holy Wars, Inquisitions, and persecutions were taking place on Earth, there were an increasing number of newly conscripted souls which could be used for the defense of heaven. Likewise, because many Muslim armies were in Crusades of their own, they too had a growing number of people. Jesus, knowing that both armies were increasing in size, opted for the first formal attack outside the city walls. In what is described as one of the most brilliant military maneuvers ever, Jesus used a "Double Whopper" maneuver to nearly annihilate the violent uprising.

The Double Whopper[edit]

Faced with an ever growing rebellion outside the city walls, Jesus knew that if he didn't act soon, the situation would grow increasingly more dire. Faced with hundreds upon thousands of angry and horny Muslims outside the walls of Heaven, King Jesus enacted the "Double Whopper" maneuver. Still seen as one of the most brilliant military maneuvers of all time, King Jesus was able to effectively wipe out all but a few scraggly bands of burqa-clad women and men.

The Double Whopper was a two-part plan familiar with most religious organizations - particularly Evangelical Christianity. It consists of two very detailed and convincing lies topped with decorative condiments while being sandwiched amidst two soft and cushy buns of goodness. The buns allow the soppy, messy parts of the lie to stay contained within the Double Whopper keeping the entire package self-contained and consumed by many. This allows for the Double Whopper to remain as one of the most effective military tools in the arsenal.

The first lie consisted of Jesus' promise to not only look into what may have just been a clerical error on St. Peter's part, but to advance the sieging Muslim armies thirty-six of their allotted seventy-two virgins as a sign of good faith.

An artistic representation of Jesus' original battle plan which destroyed over 90% of the invading Army. It's now known as The Double Whopper.

The second lie was a promise of integral examination into the livelihoods of the families and friends still back on Earth. If the friends and family were suffering, they would suffer no more, and if they were hungry, Jesus would probably open a Burger King so they could eat.

The outer shell upon which the lies were wrapped in consisted of one contractual form filled out on Biblical parchment and the other a copy of the Koran. Together, this silenced the Muslim forces as the Burger King waved to them in offerings of peace. As the Muslim armies lowered their heads in thanks and praise, Jesus turned to his own army and directed them to silently launch one of the most hellish bombardments of destruction ever seen.

With their faces to the ground, B-52's from nearby Purgatory launched quietly into the heavenly sky. As the final prayer edicts were being cried, the aircraft unleashed nearly forty-seven million tons of heavy explosives on the embattled territory below. This effectively wiped out nearly every single usurper and allowed Jesus to stand behind the wall with a triumphant look of destruction that only a Christian military could have.