The Bayeux Tapestry is an Ancient Giant Monster Scarf. It is said to swallow ships and strangle bears. Most notably, it introduced to the world the famous phrase "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" and revealed the gospel of Werejesus.
The World's Longest Scarf
Following his landing on the shores of Blighty at Hastings in 1066, William the Conqueror (or William the Bastard as he was more affectionately known) was miffed to discover that the travel brochure had been economic with the truth about the climate of his new adoptive country. Thus the promise of a land of beautiful, white, sandy beaches and blue water was revealed to be more akin to a wind-swept hole. Because of this he instructed his finest tailors to knit him a fancy, long scarf with which to keep out the chill. And so began the life of the Bayeux Tapestry.
The needleworkers took it upon themselves to embellish this work with a depiction of the Conqueror's travels - this would turn out to be the world's first holiday ("vacation" to you American types) slide-show/picture album.
Highlights of the tapestry include:
- picture of William posing in front of ferries at Port du Calais
- several scenes of the Bastard and his touring party throwing up over the side of the boats
- hundreds of depictions of the holiday makers getting into beer-fuelled fights with the local gang, reportedly headed by local don, Harold "Hardman" Godwinson
- William showing the tour guide where he could shove his plastic souvenir arrow
- a human finger accidentally stitched into the fabric, mostly obscuring an image. Modern scholars believe the tantalising glimpse of bright yellow underneath is the corner of an inflatable banana
- 3 or 4 pictures of William's cat at the very end, seemingly to use up the remaining thread
- The famous phrase "All your base are belong to us."