Bear Wrestler
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“Let's go get them bears!”
~ Michael Houman on the Bear Alarm
“I knew it! You're one of those Bear Wrestlers!”
~ Tristan van Norden on Michael Houman
“Shut up, you idiot! Do you want to reveal his secret identity and have bears roaming schools again like they did in prehistoric times?!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tristan's inability to use common sense
“Bear Wrestling, the sport of the gods!”
~ Socrates on Bear Wrestling
“When I made bears, I never knew you stupid people would try to wrestle them!”
~ God on Bear Wrestling
A Bear Wrestler is part of the Bear Wrestling club, a secret organization that works with the school that when called upon, finds, and takes out any bear running loose in the hallways. Most Bear Wrestlers are also on the Wrestling team and use Wrestling as a time to prepare during the off season. This is a secret organization that I had recently infiltrated. All of their secrets and rituals are listed below.
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[edit] About Bear Wrestlers
Believe it or not, most bear wrestlers are actually normal high school students. Bear wrestlers operate in secret, as not to scare the bear away from the school. The competence of this theory is debatable, as the point of bear wrestling is to get rid of the bears. However, the elites of bear wrestling don't really care about common sense.
Bear wrestlers are specially trained to react in the case that a bear would enter the school. Now, the reader might think, "A bear would never infiltrate a school," (see below), but this has happened on various occasions.
“A bear would never infiltrate a school!”
~ You on The importance of Bear Wrestlers
[edit] Modern Bear Wrestling
In the past 15 years, bear wrestling has become increasingly popular among high school students. Although the chances of a bear actually breaking into a school are very slim, schools create bear wrestling teams just to "be prepared". Students are attracted to bear wrestling because it allows them the opportunity to "do something good for their community", and is also a really easy way to get a letter.
Due to the violence involved in wrestling bears, many parents are opposed to bear wrestling. But since most of these parents are Republicans, they realize that they would rather have their sons wrestle bears than other boys.
The major challenge to the modern bear wrestler is Green Peace or PETA, both of which believe that the bears are simply searching for food in their natural environment. This of course assumes that bears, by instinct, live in cities, backyards, and school hallways and their primary source of food is human flesh. Some bear wrestlers find that these organizations will go so far as to sue them over confrontations with a bear for the legal property of the bear wrestler's genitalia or other extremities. PETA claims that such a seizure of property ensures the continued safety of wildlife, and also looks really good when mounted on the wall.
To keep in shape for bear wrestling, it is recommended for the average bear wrestler (not legends such as Christopher Walken or John F. Kennedy) to consume thirty raw eggs every day, run twenty miles while laden down with an aggravated, fully-grown grizzly bear, and then force that bear into submission. After such a feat, the bear wrestler should lift aggresively while chanting the phrases: "GET SOME!", "YEAH!!!", and most importantly, "GRRRRRRAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!" If the prospective bear wrestler is able to complete this work-out on a daily regimen without tiring, he should take up Dinosaur Boxing or Shark Drowning to further increase his manliness and respect from women and men alike.
Bear wrestling, although dangerous, could have life saving reprocussions. There is speculation into whether this sort of action could have saved Mona Lisa's life in the tragic Rent-Bear accident of 1989.
[edit] Famous Known Bear Wrestlers
- Christopher Walken
- John F. Kennedy
- Michael Houman
- Half of your High School wrestling team
- Andrew Dean Richardson
- Chuck Norris[1]
- Jackie Moon (recently discovered)
CODY P.(BOSS HOG)
- Ari Amon <four years national team>
- Shane Sures <submitted by a seven foot grizzly last Spring>
- Jake Klein <Karate Master>
[edit] See Also
[edit] Related Articles
- Constitution of the United States (look at the separation of powers chart)
