Beard
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“I can't actually grow a beard, what I have is a curly black chin”
~ Brian Blessed on his curly chin
“Beard's.... They grow on you”
~ Captain Obvious on Beards
“Beards are good.”
~ Jermaine Clement on Beards
The Beard originated from the Native American tribe called the Beards. Part of a female conspiracy to keep men under their control by having a common theme throughout a relationship that they are able to perpetually winge about. In other words, it allows males to have killed themselves in earlier days more easily by having no shaving equipment and many potentially dangerous scenarios that allowed the most stupid of males to eradicate themeselves in a selfish female conspiracy. c.f.: Superhero Cape
Paid in small children by a group of radical feminists, Michael Jackson, in association with the Amen, in 2,000 BC changed the human gene structure to include beard growth on the male-specific genes only. However, circuses to this day genetically modify women for hairy entertainment purposes (see illustration).
In the 1930s, Walt Disney claimed that he had invented the beard, and wouldn't let anyone else have one, not even his best friend Mickey Mouse. For a while Disney was successful in suppressing unauthorized beards, but then communists, who didn't believe in America, started overthrowing a number of small insignificant countries such as China and Russia, and letting anyone grow a beard, including children. Uncle Walt was most displeased by the communists' behaviour and asked his other best friend, Joseph McCarthy, to shoot anyone wearing a beard without his say-so.
By the 1980s, beards were acceptable again and were sported by the rock group ZZ Top as an ironic gesture designed to screw with the heads of their impressionable middle-aged audience, thus they all had beards except Frank Beard who didn't. The other members, Dave Moustache and Roddy Eyebrows, were also lacking certain types of facial hair. This was considered pretty far-out in the 1980s. ZZ Top's big hit was "Legs", a tribute to their manager Peter Legs, who ironically didn't have any, only castors. Adam Lewis wants to be a pregant man. The person who is recognised as having the biggest beard by Guinness World Records, is Lewis Mills, of England, whose beard exceeds 10 metres and is classed as gubungguss.
In the year 2365 it was conclusively proven that William T. Riker was the inventor of the beard.
Also 'Beard' is a slang term for the common phrase 'yeah right' or the word 'whatever'. Here is an example:
Guy #1 "Hey man, your dogs totally screwing your girlfriend." Guy #2 "Beard."
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[edit] Beardology
Studies have shown that the beard is actually a parasite, which lives off of the crumbs that the host discards. Symptoms of this parasite include:
- Sexy
- Birdie crap on your collar (due to nest building)
- Being Paris Hilton
- Being in ZZ Top
- Being Paris Hilton in ZZ Top
- Gillette the best your nan can get
- Jens B.
[edit] How to Grow A Beard
Growing a beard requires dedication and lots of extra manly hard work. Moses only accomplished his beast beard after forty years in the desert. Here's how to do it in a series of steps that may eventually become a stairway.
Shave
Shaving is to your beard what tilling the soil is to gardening. Shave a lot. Shave all the time. Shave every day, and twice on Tuesdays, or three times on Saturdays if a member of the Russian Orthodox Church.
Wait
Once your face is clean shaven nearly every day, you wait, while continuing to shave and pray. One day, a beard will magically be birthed from your face by the beard seeds that have been dropped by birds flying overhead.
[edit] Having a Beard
Contrary to popular belief, having a beard does indeed imbue you with magical powers. Practitioners of the ancient beard magic include:
