Beast Wars

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Transformers Beast Wars is a story about several Transformer Furries who land on the planet earth 4 million years in the past. Frustrated by the relatively lack of Furry buttsecks in the distance past, they take on Beast Modes which prove nowhere near as good as real animals or stuffed toys, so they have a war, a nuclear war, in the Gay Bar. It is centered around the Maximals and Predacons, who later become the Paedocons, due to the lack of afforementioned Furry Buttsecks. With a mesh of organic and mechanical parts Maximals and Predacons can now engage in acts that purely mechanical life-forms could not do before.

A "Beastformer" has a fursuit it calls a "Beast mode".

Maximals[edit]

Optimus Primal[edit]

The King Kong wannabe and descendant of Optimus Prime (The TRUKK NOT MUNKY). He so much wants to be a good leader but unlike his predecessor, Primal can make rash decisions, like letting Cheetor join the Maximals in the first place. Before the war began, Primal was a monster truck, though he took on a gorilla mode after his team crashed on Earth. Primal was equipped with two swords, a mace, and twin shoulder-mounted vibrators. He dies at the end of Season 1 after colliding with a nuclear balloon while his sunbed was catapulted into space by Megatron. He was revived as a Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future II. In his transmetal form, Primal also had vibrators that could fold up onto his back, a built in condom, and a gun that shot maces. After Megatron violently raped Optimus Prime, Primal decided to steal, er take the Matrix from Prime.

Optimus Primal in Beast Mode.

Primal then transformed into a cosplay suit of Optimus Prime (named Optimal Optimus) after absorbing the latter's Spark. Primal was often considered to be homosexual due to his close relationships with the male members of his crew. However, this idea was doubted after Rhinox caught him having "special time" with Blackarachnia and Airazor in his quarters. In his new Optimal body, Primal could transform into a jet, a gorilla, and a really retarded looking car. However, being the retard that he was, he only ever was a robot. After raping Megatron one last time,he strapped Megatron to a spaceship and headed home. In Beast Machines, Primal sacrificed himself to reformat the planet of Cybertron, but nobody cared.

Cheetor[edit]

Primal's spotted bitch. His beast mode is a cheetah. Immature, horny, and possibly bisexual, Cheetor worships Optimus and calls him "Big Butt" as a nickname. He can move

Cheetor's love interest.

at fast speeds thanks to spending hours on a treadmill and eating speed pills given to him by Wile E. Coyote. Dinobot and Rattrap have both tried to huff him, to no success. Fans speculate that Cheetor is unhuffable for two reasons. One party suggests that as a Robot in Disguise, the cheetah form (although appearing youthful) cannot be huffed because the cheetah disguise isn't real. The other suggest that Cheetor is not a true child, making the cheetah form unhuffable. Currently, the first party is more believed. At the start of Season 2, Cheetor is morphed into a shiny Transmetal, giving him new rocket boosters that pollute the world's atmosphere even before fuel is discovered. He gains a crush on femme fatale Blackarachnia. Cheetor is introduced to the Transmetal Driver in Season 3, causing his body to go through puberty incredibly fast and transform him into a bad-assed Transmetal 2. During the show, Cheetor had several wet dreams. The most important one happened in "Feral Scream" where the horny Cheetor had an... evocative dream involving all the Maximals in his recharge pod... at once. In the wake of this dream, Cheetor mutates into a horny TM2. Controlled by his animalistic desire for rape, Cheetor violates Quickstrike and Tarantulas before being subdued by Optimus. In the episode "Crossing the Rubicon", it is revealed that he has a six-inch rod after he shows it to Blackarachnia. In Beast Machines, Cheetor was kind of a prick. But at the end of Beast Machines, Cheetor hooks up with Haru, that catgirl from "The Cat Returns" and goes off to Japan for some action. Some fans believe that the Oracle cured his bisexuality.


Megatron's former sex slave.

Dinobot[edit]

A Shakespearian bad-assed warrior who follows a strict code of honour. He transforms into a raptor, although what kind is often debated by boycotting paelentologists and dinosaur geeks. He is often mistaken for a raptor seen in Jurassic Park, prompting him to roar angrily and rip the culprit's head off. Dinobot doesn't get along well with his teammates, particularly Rattrap, who he calls "Vermin". Dinobot fights with a giant drill blade that doubled as a giant-size dildo, laser vision, and a spinning giant clothes peg. Dinobot was once a Paedacon but left after catching Megatron in the CR Tank with Scorponok. Throughout the series, he expressed frustration for the Maximal's love of using condoms during sex, as it took away from his enjoyment. In the second season, he attempted to rejoin the Predacons, but found he preferred being on top, and so left again for the Meximals. He soon learns of Megatron's great scheme to rape Optimus Prime and destroy humans so they cannot make love. Leaping into battle, Dinobot assaults all the Paedocons, violent raping even Megatron himself, and blows up Megatron's Golden Disk (which contains secrets on how to break into the Krusty Krab). Dinobot dies in Rattrap's arms and reveals to the rodent he loves him and dies quoting from Hamlet, in the episode "Code of Weirdo". The rest is silence. Until Megatron cloned him.

Twice, to be exact.

Rattrap[edit]

A smart-alek rodent from Cybertronian New York City with the personality of Steve Buscemi. Rude, irritable but a real pro with mechanics, explosives, dinosaur wrestling and ruining emotional moments, this rat is an asset to the Maximal team. He often fights with Dinobot, due to the fact he told Chopperface that Frenzy is red. Rattrap is reformatted by a quantum surge into a spunky new body which packs more firepower than the British Army. In his new body, Rattrap could transform into a car. Before he came to prehistoric Earth, Rattrap was a motorcycle,but he was given the new form of a rodent to shield him fom energon damage. Rattrap's sexuality is in question, as he made love to Botanica at the end of Beast Machines, but in Season Two he tried to make love to Dinobot. In the episode called "A Better Mosuetrap", Rattrap is revealed to be the only Maximal that knows the secret of the BSOD. In Season 1, Rattrap was far more of an asshole than in later seasons. He often doubted Optimus Primal's leadership skills and made smartass cracks about Primal's penis size. After Primal was absorbed by a Vok spacecraft, Rattrap was placed in command. Rattrap led them into battle, then ran back to the bathroom while evryone else fought. Rattrap is a fan of masturbation, and spens long hours in the bathroom jacking off. Rattrap has several major roles in the show, including staying by Dinobot during his death, crashing a giant missile up Rampage's ass, and retrieving the Sentinel programme from the destroy Maximal base. In Beast Machines, Rattrap's role is crushed - the American military steals his weapons for use in Iraq, and the American Medical Association amputates his legs and gives them to veterans, forcing him to use wheels.

Tigatron[edit]

A black, and white hippy who takes the form of a snow tiger. He developed numerous relationships with the cast, including fellow cat Cheetor, another snow tiger named Snowstalker and eventually fell in love with flying chick Airazor. While a tiger, he seemed to have a love of barking "ruff ruff" whenever he was in a position to get any secks, as well as calling out "bow chika bow wow" whenever an innuendo is inserted. Tigatron briefly left the Maximals due to Snowstalker's death (caused by a stampede of raging N*Sync fans on the mountain above). Tigatron was abducted with Airazor by the aliens known as the Vok where they were abused sexually. The two were revived as the weather man known as Tigerhawk. Tigatron was famous for almost, but never fully, losing his virginity. Just as he was about to strike Snowstalker or Airazor, Cheetor or Rhinox would walk in, spoiling the moment.


Airazor[edit]

A flying female who becomes a falcon. Her entire lifespan involves having near death experiences - She nearly died at birth, wounded by the weapons of an experimental flying island Knuckles the Echidna owned, and she eventually did die when abducted by aliens with her lover Tigatron. In the comic adaption, Airazor was a man. In the other comic adaptation, she was a girl... again.


Rhinox[edit]

The Mac Daddy of the team, Rhinox is a genius and also a supporter of

Rhinox, seen here owning everyone.

Greenpeace and PETA. He is friendly and is good friends with all the Maximals. Some think that he is Chuck Norris in disguise, as he can open a can of whoop-ass within 3.1 seconds, owning everyone on the battlefield. He fights the Paedocons with his Chainguns of Doom, bringing hell to them. Rhinox received a deadly case of bad gas which blasted the Paedocons briefly into orbit. Rhinox won the Beast Wars by driving an Autobot shuttle through the control room of the Nemesis ship, taking Megatron with it. Megatron was sexually harassed in the process by the front of the shuttle. In Beast Machines, Rhinox was in return raped by Megatron and became an organic-hating maniac named Tankor and then died.


-

At least I'm not as retarded as Waspinator... right?

Silverbolt[edit]

A mutant Maximal known as a Fuzor. He has the parts of a dog and a golden eagle, meaning he can sniff other Maximal butts and crap on people's heads at the same time. With a heart of gold and a heroic personality, he is the type of guy any self-respecting sane person wouldn't want on their team. Mentally unstable, Silverbolt believes he is a superhero and saves people continously. He eventually falls in love with Blackarachnia and lures her over to the Maximal side by displaying to her his six-pack. Silverbolt secretly has erectile dysfunction, which was revealed in Crossing the Rubicon. In the aftermath of the episode Transmutate, Blackarachnia found out about their brief relationship, and didn't talk to him for a week. In Beast Machines, Megs made Silverbolt his bitch, before Blackarachnia freed him, reformatting him into a giant parrot-thing. At the end of the series, BA and Silverbolt grew closer together. However, nobody cares.



Depthcharge[edit]

A hardcore fan of Batman, Depthcharge acts and looks like his hero. He morphs into a mantaray. He seeks vengeance against Rampage for destroying Colony Omnicron, a large group of supernerds, his virginity, beating the second Robin to death and shooting Barbara Gordon. Depthcharge crashlands on Earth, determined to kill Rampage. He eventually becomes a full member of the Maximals but soon starts hunting Dinobot II as well, after the cloned warrior tries to assault him. Depthcharge dies in an underwater battle where he impales Rampage with the pointed end of a plunger, destroying them both. He also is known for having the most useless beast mode ever. What good is a manta ray anyways? All the bad guys are on land, dammit!


Tigerhawk[edit]

A flying tiger (and the Maximal version of Jesus) created by the Vok out of Tigatron and Airazor. He was sent to apprehend Megatron so he could be tortured (which involved watching 5 consecuative Jim Carrey movies). He was captured by Tarantulus who planned to rape him. The spider was then obliterated by his own vibrator. Tigerhawk joined the Maximals only to be vaporized by a cannon on the Nemesis' underbelly. Tigerhawk was the perfect weather man and knew when the forecast would change instantly.

Paedocons[edit]

Megatron II (aka Barney)[edit]

Creepy leader of the Paedocons and twice a jerk than the original Megatron was. This guy transforms into a Tyrannosaurus Rex and is Optimus Primal's rival. His catchphrase is a slow cry of "Yesssss!", usually said when he achieves something. He shouts it out when having some rumpy-bumpy with his subordinates. Blackarachnia hacks into his computer files, only to discover Playbot.com as his homepage, with links to pr0n sites and hentai wikis. After a quantum surge, Megatron is reformatted into a Transmetal with a deadly tube-shaped weapon used for fighting and shoving it up the gearboxes of female enemies. He also thinks that pizza isn't a breakfast food, but often tries to steal said pizza from Dinobot for supper.

He was betrayed by his then lover Tarantulus and dropped into a pit of lava, but rose again as a terrifying dragon. Megatron's true intentions was to sodomize and then destroy Optimus Prime, but he was raped by Rhinox before being strapped to a speeding spaceship. However, Megatron returned to Cybertron, raping the inhabitants and turning their bodies into Vehicondoms, acting like a lame ripoff of Dr. Nefarious all the while. This prompted the Maximals to lead a rather dull war against Megatron, resulting in a rather lame final battle. In it, both he and Optimus got owned by one another, and their waning life-force made the planet into a technorganic paradise. However, nobody cared.

Tarantulas[edit]

The mad scientist and one of many lovers of Megatron. Tarantulus is purely insane and likes attacking people with his deadly claws and webs. He created Blackarachnia and made her his sex puppy. He also created Inferno, but disliked him due to his loyalty to Megatron. Tarantulus had a fear of the aliens, because they wanted to make his brain into a breakfast cereal. Tarantulus eventually betrays Megatron, and kidnaps Tigerhawk in order to assault him. However, the alien attack and blast Tarantulus with his own vibrator, causing him to explode. He transforms into a tarantulus made of K'Nex and a motorcycle with legs made out of K'Nex.

Waspinator[edit]

The Kenny of Transformers, Waspinator is a stupid lowlife who has more deaths than Fullmetal Alchemist does. Always talking in third person, Waspinator hates himself and the universe and is often abused by Megatron. He was briefly possessed by treacherous sex maniac Starscream, who than forced his body into an orgy involving Terrorsaur and Scorponok. Afterwards, he shortly became the bitch of both Terrorsaur and Scorponok because he was tired of constantly masturbating since no one else wanted him. Waspinator has suffered countless humiliating destruction sequences including being blown up by a nuclear bomb, shredded to pieces by Dinobot II and

Waspinator, seen here after waxing his wood.

getting a status pod right up the kazootie (however, Waspy acutally enjoyed the last one). In the final episode, an extremely horny Waspinator screamed to Quickstrike and Inferno in a fit of lust that "you can stick that thing right up my big...stripey... " Ironically, Waspinator was the only Paedocon other than Megatron to survive and left to go to LazyTown with Mrs. Busybody, but was violently molested by Adult Stephanie, which caused him to leave. Eventually, he returned to Cybertron, only to be violated by Megs again. His spark was inserted into the body of an emo motorbiker, Thrust, and he lived up to his name.

Terrorsaur[edit]

A self-obsessed aerial Paedocon, Terrorsaur wishes to overthrow Megatron so he can become the number one pervert in the world. Like Starscream, Terrorsaur is a sex maniac and often screams for it. He has a high-pitched shrieking voice, thanks to Megatron kicking him extremely hard in the gearbox. He dies while trying to seduce Scorponok, falling into lava.

Scorponok[edit]

The dumb loyal member of the team to Megatron. He was found in the CR Tank with Megatron by Dinobot, prompting the warrior to leave. Scorponok can fire giant laxitives from his claws. When Inferno arrived on the scene, Scorponok had to fight to stay as Megatron's lover, but lost out when he was seduced by Terrorsaur, but they fell into lava and perished. He transforms into a scorpion (what a suprise).

Blackarachnia[edit]

A protoform brought to life by a horny Tarantulus, produced a selfish calender-bot with enough limbs to have some rumpy bumpy with all the Paedocons at once, with enough room for the Maximals. Blackarachnia only cares for one thing, Herself, although it has been claimed she is secretly a member of the Cybertronian Protest Federation to get more females on the show. Blackarachnia's mind is taken over by Tarantulus and makes her touch herself up multiple times until she eventually rips the spider limb from limb. Heroic idiot Silverbolt pulls the moves on her and they sleep together. A brief break-up after she finds out Silverbolt tried to sleep with Transmutate. She stops Megatron from raping Optimus Prime and defects to the Maximals, commenting it has better males, and resumes her relationship with Silverbolt. Cheetor developed a small crush on her, but everybody forgot about that minor plotline. Blackarachnia reformats herself into a sex goddess, and survives the Beast Wars. She transformed into a black widow spider. In Beast Machines, Blackarachnia freed Silverbolt from Meg's love dungeon. She then laughed at Rattrap as he tried to make out with Botanica.

Inferno[edit]

Originally supposed to be another sex puppy for Tarantulus, Inferno became quite the opposite. An insane, maniacal, homophobic pyromaniac with the need for mindless destruction. He becomes Megatron's brainwashed-slave and calls him "Queen" and "Royalty". Thanks to a giant blender stuck to his butt, Inferno can fly. He became good friends with John Wayne fan Quickstrike. In the finale of Season 2, Inferno attacked Optimus and Cheetor during a session in a cave, but blew up a stack of Energon crystals and was incinerated. He survived the explosion and remained at his master's side until Dinobot II arrived. Inferno's raging homophobia meant that he was always looking for new victims, er, well yeah victims. Below is the list of all the people Inferno has beat the crap out of.

I'm horny and I'm loving it.
  • Optimus
  • Cheetor
  • Rhinox
  • Tigatron
  • Rattrap
  • Tarantulas
  • Himself!
  • Depth Charge
  • Waspinator
  • Quickstrike
  • Silverbolt
  • Megatron himself
  • You (and you liked it!)
  • And many many more...

After Dinobot II arrived, Inferno became a mere servant to Megatron, and left with Quickstrike and Waspinator to find a new base for Megatron after the original was obliterated by a giant nuclear football. Waspinator left, and Inferno and Quickstrike were killed by a giant heat ray of curry fired by Megatron on the Nemesis. He transformed into a fire ant.

Quickstrike[edit]

A horny, two-headed bandit. He claims to be a huge fan of John Wayne. Born along with Silverbolt to Jabba the Hutt, Quickstrike is half scorpion, half cobra. He has a urge to cause mayhem and fight every body, even himself. Quickstrike is a bit of jerk and is often fooled by Blackarachnia into doing her jobs, mainly because she keeps flashing him. Quickstrike eventually bites the dust when his snake arm rips his own head off and is then destroyed with Inferno by the Nemesis' cannon. Although not a Transmetal himself, his snake-head doubles as a powerful vibrator. This is what really got him a lot of promotions, up to a sub-commander. Quickstrike discovered that he was a pedophile in the episode Cutting Edge.

Rampage/XXX[edit]

Known as Protoform XXX, Rampage was created to try and manipulate Starscream's immortal spark, but it drove him insane. He went on the rampage for many years, assaulting every creature he came across. He destroyed Colony Omnicron, raping and killing every inhabitant except Depthcharge. Rampage was captured and set to be dropped into a planet-sized gay bar by Optimus Primal. Rampage was freed on Earth and joined the Paedocons forcefully. Megatron cut out half of his heart, reducing the tyrant to a depressive person who fed upon the pain of others. Depthcharge arrived later to kill him, but he kept escaping him. Megatron used the other half of his heart to build Dinobot II, who can be considered Rampage's half-brother; imagine the parents. Rampage had a final confrontation with Depthcharge underwater. Depthcharge stabs Rampage's heart with a sharp homotopy, causing both to explode. The same thing happened to Davy Jones. Throughout the show, Rampage was known for his S and M services and his tendency to wear leather while announcing himself as the "Crabinator."

Dinobot II[edit]

A malicious predator and the new lover of Megatron, Dinobot II is a reincarnation of Dinobot using a blank protoform and Rampage's semen. Created to be Megatron's little bitch, Dinobot II is notably the opposite of the original for preferring to do it on bottom. Dinobot II

Dinobot 2 discovers that Depth Charge doesn't go down easily.

gives "party animal" a new meaning and has a battle with Cheetor for cutting lines at Asda. Dinobot II serves as a guy who just rips things apart for evil purposes. Nobody likes him as much as the original. After the destruction of Rampage, Dinobot II seems to be infected with his predecessor and betrays Megatron, allowing Rhinox to make Megatron a eunich by striking him with an Autobot shuttle. Dinobot II sadly died onboard the Nemesis, a giant Shakespear textbook crushing him against a wall. The rest is silence... again.

Neutrals[edit]

Transmutate[edit]

After an aroused Rattrap amused himself with a status pod he found, he created Transmutate, a mutated, retarded freak of nature. Both Silverbolt and Rampage wanted to make her their hos, eventually coming to blows over it. Transmutate sacrificed herself rather than make love to either to them.

The Vok Planet Killer, mercilessly editing the talk pages of the universe.

Vok[edit]

Some kind of alien from another planet. Being the interstellar assholes they are, they decide to screw up our planet good by placing another moon. When the Maximals and Paedocons arrive, the Vok are extremely pissed. Firing an energy beam at the larger of the two moons, they break open the moon's shell, revealing an, enormous, artificial construct inside. Firing a transwarp beam, they mutate some of the Cybertronians into Transmetals, while killing others. They then create Tigerhawk and some other stuff, but nobody cares.

G1 Characters[edit]

Optimus Prime[edit]

The noble leader of the Autobots. He spends his appearance sitting in a chair, allowing Megatron to rape him, scar him for life and for Optimus Primal to temporarily steal his Matrix of Leadership. He briefly awakens and steps on Primal, angered that Primal is a munky, and not a trukk like Transformers should be.

TRUKK NOT MUNKY, dammit!.

Megatron[edit]

The leader of the Decepticons. Megatron just sits around in his appearance, and his spark is stolen by Megatron II. He also briefly appears in a recorded video revealing he is a homosexual.

Starscream[edit]

The butt-ugly treacherous Decepticon who died at the hands of Galvatron in G1. His spark possesses Waspinator, turning him into a shrieking horny banshee. He is eventually blown out of Waspinator by an exploding ping pong ball.

Ravage[edit]

A G1 survivor returns as a Russian hitman, and an agent of the Tripredacus Council. He helps capture Megatron and then tries to assault him, only to discover a video of the original Megatron revealing himself to be dead and a homosexual. He joins Megatron II, but dies when his ship tries to fly through a painted tunnel on the side of a mountain. Soundwave wept for days.

A Bus Load of Others[edit]

Other G1 characters refused to appear due to the fact they would be altered. However, SWAT Teams drugged them with liquid energon and placed them in a remake of the Ark. Among the captured were Prowl, Soundwave, Ironhide, Rumble and others. Unicron also appears on his way to the Comic Convention on Naboo.

Transmetals and Transmetal 2s[edit]

Transmetal 2 Cheetor, seen here after raping Quickstrike.


In the aftermath of Season 1, a quantum surge mutated some of the Maximal's fursuits, causing them to become shiny and metal. Rattrap coined the name "Transmetal", though Cheetor wanted to call it a "Hard One". Transmetals have additional mechanical enhancements that they can access in beast modes, such as condom dispensers and built-in vibrators. Megatron II puts his transmetal T-rex beast mode to good use, violating Rattrap, Rhinox and Silverbolt in one fell swoop.

The Transmetals would mutate again in Season 3, becoming the Transmetal 2s. Transmetal 2s were a hodgepodge of beast and machine. Instead of having third "sex-machine" modes, Transmetals instead had larger boners and bigger testes. Transmetals also got hard/wet faster than Fursuit or Transmetal Beast Warriors. Cheetor, Blackarachnia, and Megatron all received this upgrade.

Key Episodes (No pun intended, Alicia[edit]

  • Season 1
  • Beast Wars, part 1: Maximals and Paedocons crash-land on Earth. High mecury levels and an unusual concentration of furry fanatics force them to take on organic "beast" modes. Dinobot leaves the Paedocons after he catches Scorponok in the CR tank with Megatron. Paeds get owned by Optimus and his crew.
  • Beast Wars, part 2: Dinobot joins the Maximals, as they race to take control of a mountain with Diamonds inside. However, the mountain conveniantly goes boom, leaving the two sides without any thing to put on necklaces.
  • The Web: When Cheetor is out on a recon mission, Tarantulas captures and attempts to eat Cheetor. Rattrap shows up and owns Tarantulas's ass.
  • Chain of Smoking: Dinobot takes up chain smoking, but is warned by Rhinox of the dangers of tobacco.
  • Gorilla Warfare: Optimus is infected by an HIV virus created by Scorponok, and realizes that he can defeat the Paedocons. He proceeds to infect them, one by one. Rhinox cures him. After. Obviously.
  • Fallen Comrades: A stasis pod falls in the Arctic, and the newly emerged Tigatron almost has sex with Snowstalker. Until Rhinox, Cheetor, and Rattrap walk in. Heh.
  • The Spark: A desperate Rhinox rips the arm off an unconscious Cheetor under the pretense of "saving a protoform". As a result, Airazor is born.
  • A Better Mousetrap: Dinobot accidentally turns on the Blue Screen of Death, and only Rattrap knows how to fix it.
  • Posession: In a crossover with The Exorcist, Waspinator is possessed by Starscream. But nobody cares.
  • The Probe: Cheetor finds an anal probe, and shoves it up Rattrap's ass. Hiliarity ensues.
  • Law of the Jungle: Tigatron turns emo when his girlfriend dies, but reveals his bisexuality to Cheetor and cuts off his head.
  • Season 2
  • Aftermath After Optimus dies, Rattrap, Cheetor, Megatron, and Tarantulas all receive Transmetal upgrades. Megatron rapes Rattrap and Cheetor, but Rhinox fires a giant dildo up Megatron's ass, distracting him and driving him away.
  • Coming of the Fuzors, part 1: Two stasis pods fall from the sky. As the pods used Microsoft as their OS, they are damaged and combine two animals into one beast mode. Megatron shows up and fucks them both. Rhinox goes on an acid trip to find Primal's spark.
  • Coming of the Fuzors, part 2: With Silverbolt and Quickstrike on his side, Megatron attempts to kill the Maximals. Being an asshole, Silverbolt defects. Optimus returns in a Transmetal body, and cuts everyone on the battlefield's heads off.
  • Bad Spark: Protoform XXX (Rampage) crashes on Earth, and Cheetor and Optimus try to stop him. Silverbolt and BA make love in the woods. Megatron gives Rampage a blowjob, causing him to resent Megatron for the rest of the TV series.
  • Code of Weirdo: When Megatron attempts to break into the Human Birthplace (and eliminate mankind), Dinobot leaps into battle and stops him, at the cost of his own life. Oscar Wilde guest stars as a caveman.


  • Transmutate: The newly created Transmutate's now the hottest bit of meat on the street, but Rampage and Silverbolt both want some time with her...
  • The Agenda, part 1,2, and 3: Megatron buys a planner that will help him organize his time more effectively. Ravage shows up, and arrests him. In a fit of despearation, Megs shows a video of Megatron I telling him to to kill Optimus Prime and change the course of history. Being an asshole, Ravage sets him free and they head to the Ark. Megatron does so, and a terrifying timestorm begins...
  • Season 3
  • Optimal Situation: When the Maximals arrive, Optimus sees the Matrix and decides to take it for himself, as he always wanted his "Hot Rod" moment. Mutating into his "Optimal" Optimus Form, Primal cuts the Paedocons heads off and returns the Matrix to Optimus Prime. Prime awakens and steps on Primal. But he survives. Obviously.
  • Deep Metal: Depth Charge shows up, but gets owned by Rampage. Optimus Primal flies around and does stuff.
  • Cutting Edge: Cheetor makes lots of sexual innuendos towards Blackarachnia until Silverbolt kicks him in the dick. Megatron makes an army of Dinobot clones, and Quickstrike discovers he's a Murderer after he encounters two cave-children...
  • Feral Scream, part 1: After artificially transplanting a blank protofom with Rampage's core, Dinobot II is born. Cheetor tries to stop him, but he is exposed to the energies of the Transmetal Vibrator.
  • Feral Scream, part 2: Cheetor is having wet dreams about cutting the heads off all his team-mates in the CR chamber, and has a giant mutated orgasm, causing him to turn into a horny TM2. Quickstrike and Tarantulas feel the touch of his giant slimy dick.
  • Crossing the Rubicon: Blackarachnia becomes a TM2. But nobody else notices because they're trying to figure out what a rubicon even is.
  • Other Visits, part 1 and 2: Tigerhawk shows up. But everyone is too stoned to care. Tarantulus attepts to rape Tigerhawk but the Vok attack him with an ultra violent vibrator that causes him to explode.
  • Nemesis, part 1 and 2: Megatron discovers the giant Decepticon blowerupper ship, Nemesis, buried under the dead Tarantulus' hideout and uses it to vaporise the cast so he doesn't have to cut off their heads anymore. Depthcharge blows up Rampage with a plunger, and Dinobot has a heart attack. Tigerhawk, Inferno and Quickstrike are vapourised by a giant bowl of curry. Optimus leaps into the Nemesis but is assaulted by Megatron. Dinobot turns against Megatron and allows Rhinox to rape Megatron using an Autobot shuttle. Dinobot is crushed by a giant Shakespeare book and the Nemesis crashes into the ocean. The surviving Maximals head back to Cybertron with Megatron strapped to the roof. Waspinator conquers the world and celebrates by throwing a disco party.

The Lost Episode[edit]

In the Lost Episode, Dinobot and Megatron attempt to deliver a pizza. Hilarity ensues.

This episode was never aired because people thought it was "too boring" and didn't have "enough action". As you can clearly see, this is wrong.

Beast Machines[edit]

Really. You don't want to know. The worst Transformers TV Show ever. If you click on that link, it's your fault.

Toys[edit]

Beast Wars transformers were excessively posable, and could transform into (guess what?) beasts. Many toys never made it into the TV show. Some of them include:

Bloodfang, one of the more popular Maximals in Beast Mode.
  • Razorbeast (warthog)
  • Cybershark (shark)
  • Wolfang (wolf)
  • Buzzsaw (wasp)
  • Antlers- (Moose)
  • Crusher- (Lobster) (Crusher was well-known for having the most useless beast mode ever, decreasing his appeal and collectability.)
  • Hello Kitty (kitty)
  • Bloodfang- (Grue)
  • Grimlock- (Raptor) (This Grimlock was sued by the original for plagiarism... until he realised he was suing his future self.)
  • Swoop- pterodactyl
  • Jimbo Wales- (Wikipedia Monster)
  • Tamia- (herself) - Best Seller!

See also[edit]


External links[edit]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJ0d2k3nHM0 - WATCH IT.

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Beast Wars is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.