“He's like a giant _______ crushing the _______”
“ Screw the rules, I have money!!!”
“ I hate him!!!”
“ Some fucker deleted my quotes.”
Beck Christ (later changed to Beck Hansen AKA Sexxi Bexxi AKA Testiclo Monstro), born January 1, Year 0 In the small town of Jerusalem, is an American musician, song writer, scientist, Jedi mathematician, amateur inventor, pornographer, acid casualty with a repossessed car, Vietnam Vet playing air guitar, Ronald McDonald worshiper, and a shit-kicking speed-taking philanthropist neighbor downstairs; Beck is known across the galaxy for his hit song "Where It's At", which, when played sideways dictates the hidden location of Beck's personal stash of home-made pornography.
Beck: Humble Beginnings
From his early years growing up with his bro Jesus, Beck Christ was content to do far more important things with his life. His only life anchor being his debilitatingly large penis (allegedly 18 inches but believed to be much larger). At the age of 13 Beck invented the concept for a device often used to this day called Music. Although many scowled at his idea, two influential men by the names of Merlin and Yoda saw the potential of sexual augmentation from such an apparatus. In a small dank cantina in the heart of Jerusalem, they approached Beck with an offer he couldn't refuse. If he would work with them to create Music, Master Yoda would open him to the force and Merlin would enhance his penis by shortening it to a manageable 12 inches. Beck took the offer and on the cliffs of Mount Mordor, the triumvirate crafted this magnificent tool. The results were even greater than expected. The only hitch that was derived from the creation was a light deviation in Beck's pineal gland causing him to produce large excesses of DMT. Soon after, Beck changed his last name to Hansen stating "I'd rather not be associated with some nobody"
Beck, being done with planet Earth for the time being, assassinated his brother while he was sunbathing on a cliff and quickly fled with Master Yoda to Dantooine to acquire Jedi training and meet the galactic federation. On Dantooine he adopted Mace Windu as his mentor and good friend. He remained in hyper space for the following 1200 years developing his skills in multidimentional thinking and Jedi abilities.
Beck: Shootin' Holes in the Moon (Jedi Daze)
Unknown to most fans in 1984 the young Jedi helped defeat the uprising of an army of elite Clinja at the Battle of Taboo, it was his supreme beat-dropping and snakey hip swiveling which halted the onslaught and bought his master Mace Windu time to destroy the Clown Enema University's Antilife Moon.
Beck fans suffered a terrible fright when in 1997 he was defeated on stage by Darth Muse the shadow over the music industry which held an iron-clad empire over almost all artists, with only a small rebel force standing between him and utter domination. Beck lost his left hand in that battle as well as his right big toe as he had been turning out some mad beats on the banjables at the time of the attack. Cybernetic replacements were given to Beck by the Rebel Alliance label in return for signing with them.
Since that time Beck has been a strong force for good in the galaxy, releasing no less than 5 versions of his hit song "Where It's At" and creating a delicious, smooth, tart, creamy testament to the brewery arts known only as Beck's, which has passed the rigorous testing of German purity laws. A beer which though not a Pilsner Urquell definitely beats your run of the mill Heineken. Since taking his first sips of this beer he is now a fucking drunk, but he's still better than you - a lousy lowlife who can't do nothin' for him/herself.
Beck was also the only person able to beat the sun in a staring contest while sleeping. He had recently defeated Leonard Cohen in an arm-wrestle.
Beck: Prometheus of the Present-Day
In 1998 Beck began working in his free time for General Electric, there he was involved in such triumphs as the space shuttle's guidance systems, the washing machine, and the creation of the Star Wars programming style, which lead to the beginnings of the open source movement and the creation of Mac OS X. During one very busy afternoon at G.E. Beck misplaced his last name. He has not been able to locate it.
In late 2003 Beck was overwhelmed by the fact that a Danish soccerteam was named after him. The team, Beck Hansen IF, has during the past two years developed into a decent team with Beck proudly sporting their innovative team logo.
Recently it has been revealed that the Beck is a member of the royal order of Scientology, holding the honorific title "His Right Honorable Enchanting Wizard of Rhythm". But he's still insanely sexy.
Sleepin' With a Diesel Fridge
In 2005, Beck released several hit jams created with the newly developed turcordian (a combination turntable and accordion). The jams were all written in a familiar dialect of Polish then translated into a not-so-familiar dialect of Mongolian before being trampled on by a yak, goat, and elephant in that order precisely, allowing no more than 27 trods per animal. Also, Beck, using his new-found powers of Scientology, raised several rock stars from the dead including John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix, Francis Langford, the Andrews Sisters, Anne Murray, Gordon Lightfoot, and Richard Nixon to appear on the new album entitled Everybody Has a Soup Can for the Brain But Me and My Monkey. However, Andy Warhol complained as did the newly-resurrected John Lennon, and so Beck (kind superhuman that he is) renamed the album Sleeping With a Diesel Fridge instead. Needless to say all of the songs were inter-galactic hits and made Beck even more famous than he was before. For this he was given the keys to Fort Knox and a big kiss from Laura Bush. Beck is quoted by the White House as saying "I can't get no revolutionary Keds with a sock for a nose and wet rubber bat." George W. Bush then remarked that "Beck is one of the greatest Americans I have ever known, we have a deep philological bond." Beck was also offered the Kingdom of Lower Wayne County but refused and returned to his bunker plotting and planning his next move...
Beck: Modern-Day Mannequin
Beck currently lives in an undisclosed secret underground compound in Michigan, on a lonely stretch of highway between Alma and Ann Arbor, above which hundreds of naked serfs labour in the construction of a ziggurat/cider mill, made entirely of bubble-gum wrappers. It is Beck's will that it be large enough to be seen from Beck's homeland, Earth's majestic Pink Moon.
In the late 90's Beck had immense trouble controlling himself around a full head of hair. Sometime in 1997 Beck tried to give up all tobacco products, so in result he pick up the hobby "hair baiting" this is eating hair off of a living thing, person, or animal. Beck started like most people with this disorder by eating the fur off of small rodents, but soon moved onto people. Many frightened civilians have filed reports of a small thin man with insomnia tearing the hair off of their own head. 13 cases were reported, and 4 deaths have occurred. Only 6 cases can be traced back to Beck, and 3 of the 4 deaths were proven to be caused by Beck. This went on for another 2 years, and in 1999 there was a sudden halt on all attacks. Beck refuses he ever had this disorder, but there is enough information to prove not only that Beck was guilty but that he had "hairpherinea" a severe disorder dealing with hair. This disorder appears to disappear for several years before breaking out again. once it breaks out again the symptoms will grow to be eight times greater then what we've seen before. In 2001 it is rumored that Beck attempted to get help by making various phone calls under the name Hubert %. Clip, but there was no proof of these events ever happening.
Beck's genre can not be described. Some people try but fail miserably, scientists are debating whether Beck's Genre is anti-matter. Although some people may describe it as a unique blend of hip-hop, country, folk-rap, Polish polka dances, Tuvan throat singing and folk, fusing banjos and turntables into completely new instruments, such as the turnbanjo and the banjables, Beck brought both break-dancing and old timey folk music to a jaded, stoned, flannel-clad generation reeling over the murder of rock star and humanitarian Kurt Cobain by his deranged wife. While many other just call it Vaguely Folkish Alterna-Rock. Some are known to describe Beck's music as 'neo-techno-folk-hop' although the small population that believe this are certain to be drunk, homeless and also believe that Jack White is a form of cheap cider. These people should be ignored as the previous attempts are closer to being true by a whopping 199.3%
His Year At Hogwarts
At the height of his career Beck decided that he wanted a nice change so he applied for a job at Hogwarts, School of witchcraft and wizardry. He specialized in writing the school song "Hogwarts Hogwarts Hoggy Woggy Hogwarts" (or whatever) It was argued to be his best work. Although he has no magical ability, His guitar (which was given to him by his sensei, Darth Vader) has extreme magical powers. Once Dumbledore sent him on a quest into the forbidden forest and when he came out all the animals and other magical creatures were following him as part of some fantastical music jamboree. He was also renound for being a total skank at hogwarts, Sleeping with people like Snape and Filch and everyone in between. He charmed all of them with his awesome music and total hotness. But, not only did he write school songs and measure his cock all day, he sometimes taught defence against the dark arts. His third job at Hogwarts was washing Dumbledore's balls. In 2010 He was accused of sending Daniel Radcliffe home made porn. Despite Beck constantly boasting of it, Daniel Radcliffe denies it ever even happening. A startling fact about Beck's time at Hogwarts is that, although everyone thinks Snape killed Dumbledore, It was in fact Beck who killed him. And also Beck killed Cedric Diggory (no loss there), and Lupin, and everyone else that dies (pretty much everyone). And now we present you with an exert of Beck's Hogwarts diary:
"Today I arrived at Hogwarts. Noticed some wierd kids following me around. I must make a note to kill them, especially the gay looking one with the glasses."
"Last night I was sorted into ravenclaw. I spoke to the sorting hat over dinner and found out we are quite similar. He also likes rock-dance-country-electro-alternative-rap-folk-soul-punk-dance music. I noticed some emo guy named Snape glaring at me and whining about not getting the defence against the dark arts job. I think he has the hots for me. Better note to kill him."
"Went into the bathroom to discover Potter and his spazzy friends making potions in the toilet. Freaks. And also I was supposed to gather unicorn hairs in the forbidden forest today, but instead I went in and just sat there playing Sonic Youth covers. Today professor Umbridge told me I had to teach a proper class and not just tell stories about me being on futurama. I told her to get fucked."
Associates With Systemology
Despite his slacker, carefree, do-what-ya-want attitude and persona, Beck is an adept Systemology practitioner since his Thayatin implanted itself in the physical shell now recognized as "Beck." He currently holds the rank of a Level T.O. VII Operating Thayatin who is capable of transversing the space/time continuum at will (much like the fictional character Q from Star Trek). Like Tom Cruise, he can also direct weather patterns through thought alone.
|This article forms part of the series on Scientology|
|Beliefs||Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous|
|Concepts||The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)|
|People||L. Ron Hubbard ~ Tom Cruise ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman ~That Creepy Scientologist "Charity" Fund Collector Guy|
|Enemies||You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous|