Bedford
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“Bedford is exactly the sort of place you visit by accident.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bedford
“Bedford is a safe-haven for the Hitler Youth of today.”
~ Tim Short on Bedford
“Oh no! I wet the Bedford again!”
“Bedford! That place is disgusting, the hygiene and living conditions are shit!”
~ A young boy living in the Slums of Calcutta on Bedford
Bedford is the 13th circle of Hell, located in Bedfordshire, England. It was founded by Lucifer, Damien, my mother, Panic! at the Gay, Gay Disco in their attempt to turn the world gay [they stopped at Bedford School (see below), Gerard Way and Batman, during the Roman invasion of 3006 AD. The town was created to undermine the communist rulers of England, as led by Prime Minister George W. Bush.
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[edit] History
Our knowledge of Bedford's early history is sketchy at best, mostly due to the fact that it does not exist. If you want to look up the history so far, close your eyes and spin around very fast. When you are finished, you shall know as much as we do. Quite frankly the area of Bedford may as well be made of the material used to construct Harry Potter's cloak, because it is Invisible.
However, rumours persist the town was settled by "Bedmond The Unready" in 1382 with the help of the Visigoths. Bedmond was expelled from Luton sometime around 1379 in the aftermath of the Punk Wars for "wearing too much eyeliner" and "being a bit gay". Some goths still remain to this day and can be found in The Bear public house located on the High Street.
In the early 18th century, 20 "less than desirable" residents of Bedford were sent off in a boat across the Atlantic. It took about 5 months but they finally landed in what is now known as "Bedford New Hampshire". After about 2 years, they all figured out they were very hungry so they decided to plant some corn. This was the start of the 200 year farming society in Bedford NH. In 1985, the great-great-great grandchildren decided that, they were bored by farming and decided to start doing high pay jobs such as stock brokering,heading a major corporations, and own auto salvage facilities. The effect on the children of these new found riches were catastrophic, especially on the females. Their daughters became retarded greedy sluts giving head to their boyfriends, especially after drugging/ drinking around the age of 8.
[edit] Language
The language of Bedford is primarily Aramaic, due to the fact that Jesus Christ refused to have anything to do with it. It was chosen as the language for the simple fact it rhymed with "Cake". Some inhabitants do speak in Morse Code, but the Bedfordian Dialect means that it is spoken backwards, and therefore unintelligible to anyone apart from some species of bat.
However, there is a slightly different language used in Bedford, a slight variation of Lutoneese (Innit!) but usually spouted from the mouths of people referred to as "Chav-tastic".
[edit] Location
To locate Bedford, you need a pair of fake Converse trainers: tap the heels together three times, and say out loud: "I want to go to a complete shithole". The taxi should arrive shortly (we apologise for the delay - for which you'll be charged an excessive amount of waiting time).
Unfortunately, this is a one-way journey and in order to leave you must sell your soul to the devil, or else beat him at a game of tiddlywinks (luckily the Devil is a loser). Should you choose that latter you will have to leave a body part behind, and come back to claim it later (at your expense).
Do not try to look for Bedford on an OS map as it is impossible to find, it also cannot be found on multimap because the area is considered wasteland. The place itself is invisible much like the material which is used to construct Harry Potter's cloak.
[edit] Name
The origin of Bedford's name is simple. Betty Ford, a French Symbologist, was terrifically drunk one evening, which also happened to be the day of the naming ceremony for the as-yet-unnamed town (until this point it was called "Atlantis" by the begrudging inhabitants). While Betty Ford tried to name the town after herself, she was too intoxicated and it simply came out as "Beddyford", the signpost maker ran out of iron halfway through making the sign, and "Bedford" it became.
The other possible reason for the naming of the town (and let's face it, the most realistic), is that there was once an old hobo walking through a desolate field, (he now inhabits the doorway outside Colemans on the high street), he sat down (although it is mainly believed fell down drunk pissing and shitting himself, screaming "I want a bed", but unfortunately he had fallen into the ford that is located in what is now known as "Priory Marina" AKA: gay hookup field. Anyway, upon realising his mistake, but not correcting it he yelled at the ford for not being a bed and getting him rather wet. To his dismay some following "ethnic minorities" decided they would set up camp there, and not being to familiar with the language thought he was referring to the field as "Bed-Ford" and hence the name stuck. Obviously (YOUR MUM) as the minorities grew and became the majority they moved over to "Queen's Park" (not because it is fit for a queen, but because it is a royally shit place), the tramp moved over to the doorway outside Colemans, (as there is a kebab place on the other side of the road and he gets free scraps sometimes), and has pretty much lived there ever since. (Well not lived exactly, he has no roof, but more loitered with intent).
[edit] The People of Bedford
Bedford has a mixed population, many from different cultures and nations. These include Eastern Europeans, Indians who all live in the absolute hell hole known as Queen's Park, Italians (this offers Bedford perhaps one of its few highlights, all of its ice cream vans and pizza places) and many many more. The Eastern Europeans have become an increasing threat. These threats include eating the fish from the pond in Bedford park, even though this pond has been pissed, puked and shat in many, many times. Plus more more and more people, of whom are illegal immigrants are working as those morons who stand in the town centre handing out those pointless flyer things that have loads of crap on them that no one actually gives a crap about.
[edit] 'Groups' in Bedford
As Bedford is a shitty place with nothing to do, people have resorted to form their own little groups and to make their own sources of entertainment. These will be simple activities of which help to make Bedford a shitter place than it already is. The Goths walk up and down the streets in the town centre, which provide some entertainment because you can laugh at them. The large groups of 8-13 year old 'micro chavs' hang out between JJB and game where they attempt to look menacing in there matching black tracksuits. One will typically hold a child size Coke from McDonalds.
While the 'micro chavs' offer about as much threat as an ant with Downes Syndrome the larger ones can be a large danger. While on their own, there height of around 5'7 and their skinny, weedy build is a small threat, they move in swarms of large groups. the larger of these groups will often have a 'pimped out' Volkwagen Polo or Ford with Halfords body kits. These chavs will be found in areas such as the Aspects Leisure Park were they will be with some slags who can't speak properly or they will be around Midland Road.
The main rivals of the chavs are the Harpur Trust School groups who the chavs see as 'posh kids' who are 'loaded'. Their hang outs will generally be away from chavs but it they ever encounter them a few insults will be said but both groups are to 'pussy' to fight one another' The 'cooler' groups from the Harpur Trust schools will attempt to look hard, especially the males so that they can look 'hard' to attract females. This will be done by swigging cheap vodka in Bedford Park or by walking to Subway in a group of about 100,000 douchebags who will all be wearing chequered shorts and stupidly tight A and F or Jack Wills shirts. These groups will normally meet in Subway, 'the Mound', or 'the Green'.
The 'uncool' people will interact in more normal activities that are actually seen as normal, yet in Bedford it is seen as more of not normal.
[edit] The Typical Chav Conversation in Bedford
Tyrone: Fuck, Shit, Wanker, Bollocks, Cock muncher, Balls, slapper, slut, shit-arseing-wank-licker.
Jason: Oi Oi! Tyrone gezzaa!
Tyrone: Ohh waa innit man!
Jason: I got that gal down at Maccy Ds preggerz!
Tyrone: Innit man, you gonna give it one of 'em abortionzaz like?
Jason: Yar, I hit her hole where dat babybz come out of wid a spade innit.
A pointless conversation like the one above can continue for hours, unless the chav runs out of its main source of energy, White Lightening Cider or Fosters.
[edit] The Typical Bedford Douchebag
While Bedford is on a similar financial league as that of Ethiopia and Mexico, it does, as in these two countries have much corruption resulting in small pockets of richer people. This results in some becoming self arse sniffing morons who walk around Bedford in a similar fashion to that of Darth Vader on the Death Star, except the douchebag's Death Star is Subway. They can be spotted by their all too bold uniform, consisting of entirely Jack Wills or Abercrombie and Fitch outfits. A douchebag's hierarchy can be noted by how much cheap vodka he is able to drink or by how much attention he pays to his hair. The reason for their exaggerated self importance is unknown, but it could be because as all people are on a higher level than the majority of Bedford's population, the chavs, they may believe to be the true leaders of Bedford's youth.
Their general ethos in life is to 'get with' as many of the opposite sex as possible, despite the fact that everyone knows that they are gay (note blonde highlights, fake tan, tight shirts). Their pathetic, insignificant lives also revolve around getting 'wasted' or 'smashed' and some random person's house, for they consider it enjoyable despite the risks of being killed by the vast swarms of Bedford's chavs who strive to protect their mating companions.
[edit] Town Hang-out's
[edit] The 3 "Subway's"
The towns three Subway sandwich bars are popular hangouts for the kids who think they are hard. Any Harpur trust school that has a "cool" group, this is where you will find them, wallowing in their sad little happiness that one silly bastard managed to get a bottle of Chekov Vodka into his bag. This will pose for a few hours of exited rambling as some miscreant youths decide some stupid way to waste their poor excuse for alcohol.
Subway is often used as a place to sit down down when its cold outside. No one really eats there because of the 6 fingered lady... you know what I'm talking about.
[edit] BK or "Burger King"
This, the second most popular place for the youth of Bedford's "nice schools" to gather can often be found buying food...
[edit] Downtown McDonalds
The Maccy D's down by the river is like no mans land, everyone goes there sooner or later, but its always a free for all to get seats. This is possibly the most versatile social environment in Bedford, it is quite literally, crawling with filth (level of extremity may vary). The "modern" decoration theme is a poor attempt to lighten the horrible reality of the building and is often just described as, "that wall wot i wiped my ass wiv dat week ages ago."
[edit] Bedford Park
[edit] the kiddies bit
Usually filled with more private school teens than actual toddlers, it used to be worth your while to walk the half hour it takes to get there until the council got rid of the only cool thing there; the huge blue triangle thing, and they replaced it with some crappy rope-walk thing. So now its just a park, miles away that really isn't worth the walk.
[edit] The Rest of It
Filled with chavs and retards that get drunk in the bushes and then make out/have sex with whoever will let them. WARNING: do not go there after 9:00, otherwise you will be raped, mugged and offered drugs by Irish people.... possibly all at the same time.
These retards will often be the supposed popular people from the Harpur Trust Schools. Here they take part in what they see as a social life, when in fact all it involves is getting smashed on cheap vodka, often mixed with some sort of soft drink because so they can get drunk faster, thus impressing their fellow douchebags on who can get drunk in the shortest amount of time. Once the cheap vodka has been drunk in the space of several minutes the opposite sexes (the girls of whom will be crying whilst drunk) will go to the privacy of bushes or behind any small structure to 'get with one another' of which will appear to be some vile ritual which will consists of some douchebag in a tight Jack Wills or Abercrombie and Fitch shirt attempting to 'get with' some drunk girl, because they consider that to be enjoyable and cant get with girls when they are sober - a selective few.
[edit] The Mound
Down by the embankment, conveniently in between McDonalds, and the cinema. often inhabited by anyone who wants to go and eye up other stereotypes and also get offered drugs by Irish drug dealers who ask you your name and how old you are.Yet another place to find a befriend the Emo's and Goths of Bedford.
[edit] Russel Park
Frequented by the year tens from the shit schools that sit around because they don't have enough money to do anything else.
[edit] Gangs
Black Putnoe or (BP) patrol the north of the town. They help to direct traffic, tie shoelaces of children who are too young to do it themselves and generally are a positive force in the community. They will helpfully shout "MK41" at you just in case you forget the first four characters of your postcode.
London Road Crew carry out many similar duties as BP, but they will shout "MK42".
Midland Road Crew also have important postal duties. They can be found in the royal mail sorting depot on Midland Road dealing with all the letters to MK41 and MK42,
East Putnoe Massive - A tough bunch of lads (often aged 13 or 14) who chose not to run a sophisticated drug dealing operation and instead rip trees from peoples gardens, harass old ladies, and walk around the block attempting to look menacing. They often wear Burberry or JJB supplied clothes. They cant afford normal clothes.
The Rushmoor Mandem (RMM) - As Most citizens of Bedford know, 99% of Rushmoor students have learning difficulties. They can be seen being escorted by staff in luminous green jackets to the games fields which are only a two minute walk away. Why could they not walk there themselves? Is it perhaps they can not cross the road without breaking their legs? Or because maybe because they'll get hungry and try and eat a dog shit or something...
