Beer

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"Now if I could only remember which one I put the rufie in..."

“Beer is the fountain of happiness; we should not question its power, but blindly frolic in its foamy ways.”

Beer, commonly referred to as the "Water of Life" or "Logic Potion,"is the product of when wheat, potatoes, and Fiji water mixed together with magic. The result is a carbonated, gold yellow fluid that is used to sustain life. It is known to contain high amounts of sodium, holiness, and carbohydrates. It is considered one of the essential food groups in modern British cuisine, and in many cases the beer at a British pub will be safer and more nutritious than the "food" being served in the establishment.

Beer should not be confused other toxic fluids of the same name that is served by the Americans and which taste reminds the drinker of camel urine.

Description[edit]

“Yellow, fizzy, delicious, yellow, fizzy, delicious, yellow, blurry, fizzilicious.”

~ Oscar Wilde on The defining characteristics of Beer

Though today beer is mass produced in the mountains of the US, such was not always the case. Originally it was created one barrel at a time by monks in Mediocre Britain and is one of the most important food groups in the western diet (augmented by pizza, buffalo wings and pastrami sandwiches with jalapeno peppers, tobasco sauce, fritos, and bananas.) It is also used as currency in many nations and very useful(especially southern areas) to attract mates for sex. Although it can be found in most uncivilised countries (read Canada), it is particularly well respected in the European lands of Germany, Austria, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Ireland, and Texas.

It is disputable whether the mother of all beer-brewing countries is Germany or Ireland. Whilst the German produce a fine sophisticated drink similar to lemonade which overwhealms the consumer with great taste of brewed Weet it is rather commonly used amongst the people. The country of Ireland on the other hand comes up with a beer drinking culture that relishes in the taste of a substance similar to sweet but bitter and rather liquid bread. In other words, it tastes exactly like a dandelion. Ireland: Where Guinness is King. Its most infamous beer Duel is found to be real man slaughter. Belgians often use beer as a weapon to commit robberies and achieve job Promotion. Belgian beer has also turned out to be an excellent weapon against English football hooligans (after a few hours, most of them are too drunk to find the stadium).Goats

In Australia, drinking beer is done with "me mates" Michael,(now Bruce) Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce. Australian beer is uniformly delicious, except for Fosters, which is exported to the rest of the world. In fact, Fosters is Australian for "fit only for export." Of course this is what the addled brains of the mates think, as actually just about any beverage from Australia tastes like kangaroo urine with the exception of Tooth's Sheaf Stout. American beer is supposed to be untasty and thinned with water. At least one thing the fat idiots... well you know.

History[edit]

The word beer comes from the term B'er, although beer itself was invented in the Stone Age. Prior to the second century AD, the monks of the time began to notice that there was a correlation to the consumption of Amber Liquid and the use of profanities and swearing. As the 'f' word meant "would you like to go out with me tonight" in those times, it wasn’t seen as swearing. This meant that most of the swear words of the day started with the letter 'B' (bitch, bastard, bugger, bum, ....).

A person who swore a lot was known as a B'er. As monks were the only ones who could read and write, the pagans had no idea that these words started with a 'B' and so initially the term B'er was used within the elite monk environment, to be overheard by the altar boys.

It is amazing that beer even was of central importance to ancient Egyptian society[1]

In 1492, Christopher Columbus brought beer to North America. A tribe of Native Americans stole the beer and got drunk because they drank too much of it. This is the cause of all the conflict between Caucasians and Native Americans.

Beer in Culture, Society and Politics[edit]

"It really works!"

In 1842, Louis Pasteur scientifically proved that beer possessed abilities to "help white men dance", and "help ugly people get laid". Since this remarkable discovery, beer has risen in prominence in worldwide culture, unfortunately leading to such excesses as the 1970s disco movement and beer pong.

Franklin D. Roosevelt's "New Deal" comprised the revival of the tin industry. Since Tin Lizzies had become outdated the tin had to be used for something else. Fortunately Roosevelt also stopped the prohibition which had devastated the bottle making industry. Thus the tin was used for a new invention: The beer can[2]. This was the decisive "wonder weapon" of WWII since the Allied beer cans were lighter than the bulky German beer bottles - the GIs still got supply when the Krauts got dry. Thus the postwar culture became more and more dominated by the beer can. In the year 2000 the (maybe former) hard drinker George W. Bush won the presidential elections. He was topped by Barack Obama in 2008 who won with the slogan "Yes, we can!". After the elections Obama's popularity plunged but canned beer's popularity peak stayed unchallenged. That's why Obama still tries to solve all small political problems in a joyful drinkers' round table talk[3]. Maybe the next president might solve even the big problems the beery way: Israel, Iraq, Iran, insolvencies, inflation (all problems seem to begin with i).

No one can mention beer culture without thinking of sports -- especially the sport of gymnastics. Since Mary Lou Retton wore a Budweiser leotard in the 1984 Olympics, beer has become intertwined with the gymnastics culture, to the point where the pommel horse in the 2004 Olympics was shaped like a Michelob Ultra bottle.

International Toasts[edit]

Bottoms Up!
  • USA : "Here's to staying single, seeing double and sleeping triple"
  • Australia: "Anatha raund!"
  • California: "But I've already had one?"
  • Canada: What's French for toast, eh?
  • Dutch: "Worst!" (= "Saucage!")
  • Estonia: "May you always remember to never forget"
  • Finland: We will shut up when you stop singing those awful drinking songs
  • Germany: "Heil Hitler!"
  • Greece: We don't drink beer! Only wine!
  • Holland: "Biertje?"
  • Hungarian: "Egészségedre" (literally To your health)
  • Iran: "Don't shoot!"
  • Ireland: "Bring it on I'll drop kick yer arse!"
  • Puerto Rico: "We dont speak spanish!"
  • South Africa: "Here's to you, and here's to me. Here's to friends we'll always be, and if at times we disagree.... Well fuck you here's to me!!! Fok jou, jou moffie!"
  • Oostvoorne: Ain't no beer like Bosm Black Beer!
  • Sierra Leone: "Someone has toast?! WHERE?!?!"
  • Slovenia: "Na zdravje!"
  • Students: "Prosit senior, prosit corona, Ad Fundum"
  • Sweden: "Botten upp!"/"Sug För helvete kärring, det är ingen trumpet!"
  • Ukraine: "Будмо! (...до холєри!)"
  • The Vatican: "Amen."
  • Martinican Republic: "WTF R U [email protected]"
  • Jackistan: "Shut the F*** up Martini!"
  • Martinican Republic: "You startin a war here...Bitch?"
  • United States: "Where the hell is Budweiser anyway?"
  • United States: "I love busch"
  • United States: "Dubya"
  • Australia: Cadbury (antiperistalsis-prone) yanks...Cheers mate
  • Wisconsin: "Eh, whens da Packer game start den?
  • Cybertron: "Roll out!"
  • 日本:"ニッポンイチ!" (What the *%&#  ?!)
  • Hyrule:YAAAAAAH!!!!!!

People Who Like Beer[edit]

  • Tom Cruise - He'll throw a whole party if you bring him some.
  • Criminals - They become evil when they drink too much.
  • Your mom - She'll drink three bottles at tops.

References[edit]

See also[edit]

Preceded by:
Evolution
Best Thing in Existence
4,000 BC - 3,000 BC
Succeeded by:
Boats