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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Beet.

Beet is the term for the remains of radical Republican William Iotoa. The pieces are now jammed in salads, vegetable dishes, and PETA members.


Iotoa was sitting comfortably in his living room watching The Price is Right when he heard a knock at the door. Little did he know the people on the other side were of the Democratic Hannibal Lecter Party. As he turned the doorknob, he was immediately torched and kicked and stuff. After Iotoa was left bleeding on the rug, the Party dissected him. The reasons for this are unknown, but rumor has it Little Susie wanted to study for her biology test the next day.

Discovery and Naming[edit]

As Susie was observing the insides of the man, a member of the Party, Hans EnFeet, plucked a bit of stomach and ate it. The Party gave him a look, but Hans insisted that it was delicious, and pointed out that they were part of the Democratic Hannibal Lecter Party, which gave them the right to do such things. The Party gave in and soon agreed that his innards did taste quite pleasing.

After packaging the new-found glory, the Party was pondering on what to name it. After conjuring a list of possible names, (such as intestine, flab, and Lydia, someone uttered: "Well, we did BEAT him". Everyone was so ecstatic that they spelled 'beat' wrong, those cannibalistic, liberal bastards. Thus, the beet was born.


After discreetly shipping the "vegetables" (cleverly disguised with a long stem of lettuce sprouting from the body parts) all over the world, the United States and some of Nigeria went on a brief Beet craze, starting several diets, and fashion fads. Also, some religions formed out of this "Beet-le Mania".

20/20: Those Bitches[edit]

As the diets continued, though, the news program 20/20, through a series of ritualistic tortures, had extracted the real truth about beets. Yes, Barbara Walters spoke to the American/Nigerian people about the beloved food and how it was really some dude's tender insides. But, luckily for the DHL Party, only two people watched the show, and that's only because they were in a coma and couldn't change the channel. The Party got their revenge and forced Walters to retire.


Unfortunately, people only favored beets for a very short time, and soon they moved on to other things such as life and Dora the Explorer. Occasionally, though, beets do show up at fancy parties and things like that. The DHL Party has moved on also, and are currently working on how to ruin Sarah Michelle Gellar's career. Beets make your pee turn purple.