Beetlejuice

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Beetlejuice is a 1988 American comedy action romance fantasy horror great western porno film directed by the lead singer of Ace of Base with the remote help of epic visionary and infamous douche, Tim Burton. The plot was originally intended to be pointless and due to Burton's lack of imagination and constant mistreatment for pain killers and aggressive cyber-bulling, he was offered a minimum budget and year-round supply of mayonnaise to partake in the assistance of helping with the film's cinematography.

With the film's inconsistent nature for the support of obese children and cheese crackers, highly-rated professionals among the film industry -- including several former employees for the New York times who were fired for the mistreatment of human babies during a rave -- dubbed Beetlejuice as, "The saddest American comedy action romance fantasy horror great western porno film of the late 1980s." Henry Thomas, the star of the epic space-like horror comedy action mini-series film E.T. (no relation to Dave Thomas, the hamburger man whos split personality disorder caused him to dress up like a woman occasionally and claim to be "one named 'Wendy' ") went on to say about the film: "What...Tim Burdon? Oh Burton? Beetle-huh? Beetlejuice? That's gross. I don't even know what that is, nor do I care because I was in E.T. and my mom said I'm not allowed to watch great western porno films anymore."

Plot[edit]

Two veteran army war survivors attempt to spank each other simultaneously with rubber mallets in the middle of a beach in Oakland, California before being approached by a couple of FBI imposters who claim they know the whereabouts of a dead couple hiding in their cabin. Both survivors repeatively explain to the agents that it has nothing to do with them and don't care. Thus, the army men are killed by the agents via verbal abuse. From this point on, the agents go to investigate the dead couple, (portrayed poorly by both Adam West and Barbra Streisand) who do nothing but bitch and moan how living a dead life sucks. These complains are heard by a chaotic-psychic-monkey-trainer-priest named Beetlejuice (played by Dennis Rodman, who later persuades the couple to engage in wild sex using home-office supplies and kitchen utensils. Eventually, after an hour and half into the movie after displaying random scenes of gore from real-life police chase videos, it is learned by both agents after smoking several bowls of marijuana and a blunt made of candy corn, that the couple want to kill themselves.

Unfortunately, since the couple are already dead, a dilemma occurs and everybody in the movie from this point on doesn't know what they're doing because the scripts for the film were burned by a fire in real life during the scene in which the agents were smoking the marijuana, so the movie cuts to Winona Ryder[1] floating upward in a house and dancing to ghetto-tech-rap music, which is believed to be the greatest experience in the world aside from ding-dong-ditching while eating a pack of ding-dongs. Tim Burton, epic visionary and world-renowned douche, was said to be responsible for the particular scene saying, "When I was a kid, I used to get bad grades and get beat with a baseball bat wrapped perfectly in some barb-wire that our neighbor farmers had. Since I was a Christian, I was always under the impression that baseball...well, wasn't even a real sport to begin with. So I came up with this idea where we'd have Winona float up and staring lip-syncing to some shitty song, haha. Great times, great times." When asked what exactly that had to do with the scene in the movie, Burton went to say: "Well, I've explained it as best as I can, I can go on. You got any crack?"

Winona Ryder during the filming of Beetlejuice...when she used to be hot.

Initial reaction[edit]

The movie was pulled from nine major theatres within the United States opening night because they feared it would make so much money that 94.5% of the inhabitants of the country would drown in the money. Instead, a bootleg version of the film was obtained from the Gerber Foundation, edited and later released on DvD to countries that ended in the letter 'y'. Those who were offered the honor to watch the film never did simply because the artwork displayed on the DvD's front cover was that of a man walking a poodle. Something nobody thought would be interesting. BBC America went on to report that from a close source to Burton, he hadn't even watched the film in years due to Winona Ryder's shoplifting incident and cheese-danish-like odor, both which had been cited as officially ruining Ryder's film career during the mid 2000s by the BET Network. Various top dawgs for the MTV, CMT, the NBA, WNBA, TBS and CNN went on to agree.

Sequel[edit]

A sequel was thought of, discussed, partially written and later stuffed under a table matress at a restaurant somewhere in Des Moines, Iowa with the impression somebody would find it and add more ideas to it, thus making it a creative film. Burton went on to say, "Last I heard, when somebody found it, they thought it was the stupidest thing to ever be written on paper, only read about half way through it, tossed it in wine-cellar and the owner of that very wine-cellar saw it, saw my name on it, and finally threw the script in a garbage after suffocating his wife with it." When asked if he felt bad with the sudden outbreak of events, Burton went on to say, "...No. Not really. Winona would have had to be in the sequel and she smells like a cheese danish anyways, so I'd actually have no part in it. ...Hey, you got some crack?"