Beginners noob guide

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Created by Samuel L. Jackson in 1337, The Beginners Guide to N0obs was an epic succes in the far east due to a lack of experience with American N0obs. Before the internet, a lack of interest and experience caused a breach of knowledge between the two halves of the world. Although the invention of the internet by Al Gore fused this fissure, in 1337, there was a need for the passage of knowledge between Asia and America. Marco Polo wasn't around to steal the knowledge like he did with gunpowder and paper, so a book had to be written and then transported from America to Asia. This book, The Beginners Guide to N0obs, was written and bestowed upon the Asian people. This is the reason why Koreans and Japanese are so good at starcraft and why chinese are so good at RPGs: Americans are N0obs. By comparison, Asians seem superior.


Attention to all n0obs reading this: Do NOT edit this page unless you wish me to chase you with a frying pan and bash your brains out. (Oh and btw I'm gay for Rick Astley)

The Beginners Guide to N0obs[edit]

In many MMORPGs such as RunEscape, created by Steve Jobs, there is a particular breed of player that is feared by all:

THE N0oB!!!

The N0ob is created, generally, after many years of playing a game. They become so bad at the game that they decide to make life unbearable for others.

Most N0obs have many war cries. The speech and translations are as followed.

-pWn U Kuƒn NoOb Fr4K ¥µr s3¬ƒ, K bœ. lµ√ U.

  • pHr33 st00f pL0xors

-Free stuff please

  • Can you show me where ---insert place name here--- is?

-No translation needed

  • 01y y00 wif the sh1n3y 4rm0ur! ill buy it 2gp cuz 1 g0t n0 munnyzz

-Hey, guy with the shiney armour, I'll buy it for 2 gp, because I am broke and got that money from a cow.


There are many more. Too many to name, in fact.

B3c0m1ng ae no0b[edit]

Warning: Do not read this unless you wish to be hated by every other living person on the planet.

N00b18255.jpg

If you wish to become a noob, just follow these steps :)

  • Follow more experienced players around asking for free stuff, and when they tell you to go away, say something completely random. At this point you will "mysteriously" be kicked out from whatever online game you were playing. Later, you will find out that the person you were bothering was a admin/moderator of the game, who has the power to kick you out. After that occurs, make a pledge that for the rest of your life, you will try and track down that admin/moderator, so you can say something thats not witty(But you think it is because all your retard friends convinced you that your funny) to the admin/moderator as part of your "devious revenge plan".
  • Interrupt other people training by killing their monsters, cutting their trees, etc. (When you steal that persons monster, make sure that your attack skills are extremely low, so that you will take 10 minutes to kill the monster. By doing that, you will successfully kill off all patience of the player whom you stole the monster from. Expect to have various offensive words said at you, and when that occurs, start crying and go and tell your mum about the language on the game. Your mum will then sue the game and the game will have to shutdown permanently. Congratulations, you just shutdown World Of Warcraft, your house will now be napalmed by george bush and his army of World Of Warcraft fags that will eventually rule the world.
  • If you have read the preceding 2 steps, you are already a noob for trying to learn to be a noob.
  • Ask any random girl(random girl: That old man that lives across the street from your house) on a online game if she wants to become your new online girlfriend. Eventually ask her if she wants to have cyber sex with you, you will then find out that "she" is a "he", and "he" is a undercover cop who is tracking down pedophiles online. Yes, he will arrest you. And yes, you are on Dateline.
  • Speak in internet-slang language 24/7(e.g: n00b, l0l or r0f1m40) in the hopes that speaking like that will impress the opposite sex and then you will have a new internet girlfriend, who is NOT a undercover cop. But is a overweight, ginger kid who will stalk you for your SOUL.
  • Pretend to be "Gangsta" in order to give the impression that your some really cool guy in real life. When really, your some 7-year old kid who just discovered the intar-web and is fascinated at the concept of being able to meet some really nice girl online called "cutie Baby" who is always asking to meet you in isolated area's. No, it is not considered "super, happy fun time" when "cutie Baby" throws you into a van and speeds off with you.
  • Always ask other players questions that have obvious answers (E.G: "W1ll u b3 m4h n3w gf?" Answer: NO)

The 5 Biggest N0ob Groups in the World[edit]

The next 5 are the most common N0ob types in the world:

  • 1 The Follower

A Follower follows high level people around for no apparent reason.

  • 2 Annoying Begger

An Annoying Beggar asks anybody they meet for free stuff (See N0ob war cries).

  • 3 Tree Cutter / Miner

While innocently mining or cutting down a tree, one of these N0obs may approach you and cut down your tree or mine your rock. These N0obs often claim that they were there first. "Good" N0obs may wait for you to get a full bag load and go to the bank to store it before approaching your tree/rock and getting to work.

  • 4 Kill Stealer

A Kill Stealer is usually a much lower level than you and thus invulnerable to PvP. So he will follow you and wait while you spend 5 minutes killing a high level monster and then at the last second, sneak in and kill the monster, and thus gain the experience in your stead.

  • 5 The Combined Noob

A noob who is a follower, a annoying beggar, a tree cutter/miner and a kill stealer. First he/she will follow you, then he/she will annoy you and beg you for free junk. The noob will then follow you too some trees that you are cutting, he/she will then think it looks fun and steal your tree. The noob will now follow you too some monsters,(Intelligent thing to do: lead him into a group of high-leveled monsters that will kill the noob in 0.3 seconds) the noob will then steal your kill and take half an hour in killing the monster. (second intelligent thing to do: whilst the noob is completing his one and only life goal, which is killing the monster. Run away as fast as you can, hopefully he/she will re-attach herself/himself to another unfortunate experienced player.) NOOBS: number one killer of all experienced players in online games.

Also note that a newb/newbie is not the same as a N0ob. This is a common misconception created by N0obs themselves so other people wouldn't hate just them, and the N0ob culture could thus continue to expand.

Mega Noobs[edit]

Mega noobs are a problem that is quickly becoming known by many people. Mega noobs are noobs that have evolved greatly. They are much more stupid, retarded and dangerous than the common noob and they generally incorporate their noobish characteristics into real life and become emo because of 1 of 4 reasons:

  • Their cyber girlfriend dumped them.
  • World Of Warcraft was shutdown for 6 hours for maintenance.
  • They ran out of 2 minute noodles.
  • They are Josh Beven.

No matter what the circumstances, it is in no way possible that they become emo because of all those reasons or for two reasons. In conclusion, mega noobs should be avoided as their stupidity may cause you to lose all sanity and assume that everyone is out to get you. Please restrain yourself from going on a murder rampage before you hurt someone...*cough fatally cough*.

Signs That You Are A Mega Noob[edit]

  • You incorporate your noobish characteristics into real life. E.G: You leave an insult message on some guys desk saying "0mfg, d0 j00 h4v mun33 f0 m3? 0mfg u r g3i m1 1v1 307 m4g3 cud 0w[\] j00 4ny d4y u gei n00b...uR m0m!!! l0lz"
  • If you hear a joke in real life from someone, you say "lol" instead of laughing...Even though the joke wasn't funny.
  • You call the basement that your computer is in "The Mothership".
  • Your one and only life goal is to call a admin/moderator "gay".
  • Your diet consists primarily of vita-brits.
  • You know exactly how to use numbers to substitute for every single letter in the English language.
  • You have developed so much stupidity that you think you can find a full-proof scheme to winning the lottery.
  • You start begging everyone for free stuff...In real life and online.
  • If you lost all access to your e-mail account you would think straight away that all connection to the world would be lost, and that no one would know where you are.
  • You failed a university exam due to your constant incorrect spelling...Mainly involving your addiction to writing like this..."l0l j00 n00b, u r g3i"
  • You play Runescape/Press-escape.
  • You have a cyber girlfriend.
  • You intend on marrying your cyber girlfriend somehow, somewhere...where it is legal to marry a chat robot.
  • You dont say 'Joey!!' after every couple of words.
  • You edit this list so it will primarily say "u r g3i" "w00tt 1v1 40" "0mfg 1 d0nt d0 4ny 0f th1s j00 n00b".
  • Your biological parents claim that your adopted every time you perform one of your noob acts in a public area.
  • You have nightmares about the internet crashing for 20 minutes.
  • Your stupidity has led you to becoming an internet addicted nerd.
  • Everyone really hates your parents for not putting you up for adoption the minute you discovered the internet and discovered the wide world of online games.
  • The internet crashed for 20 minutes, you became emo shortly afterwards.
  • Your I.Q becomes so low, that no one can search for it, so they have to start digging for it.
  • Even if your I.Q was found, it would be taken away to a government facility for close examination as the government wanted to prove that mega noob's I.Q always killed itself to avoid being inserted back into it's owner.