Behemoth
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“His tail makes for one mighty fine dildo. The band is pretty crappy.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the behemoth
“The band is bigger than God”
~ Anonymous on Oscar Wilde's Polish-black/death-metal-bashing
HE IS LOCATED IN INDIANA, WE DONT KNOW ABOUT HIS WHEREABOUT, BUT IF YOU HAPPEN TO OPEN UP BEEF JERKEY IN THIS AREA, PLEASE DO IT WITH CAUTION!!!!, THE LAST WE SEEN OR HEARD OF HIM WAS WHEN HE TRIED OUT FOR THE COMMERCIAL FOR JACK LINKS BEEF JERKEY....HE DIDNT MAKE THE CUT, SO HE THREW A SASQUATCH SIZED TEMPER TANTRUM, THEN LEFT AND WAS NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN...P.S HE ATTENDS LANESVILLE HIGH.
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[edit] Background
The behemoth is one of the Jew Gods from the bible. He has been rendered many times in art and literature, but none of these depictions had even come close to the true image of the behemoth. He’s actually just a really big hedgehog. The behemoth is the Land and Earth’s Administrator. He has been in a conflict with the leviathan for 23 years.
[edit] Childhood
The behemoth was born in Lanesville Indiana, is now considered, part sasquatch, his name is jesse johnston, he also likes men....alot,he is currently sittin next to a jew, and yes he still likes men. Mike Ditka and Your Mom, trained all his life to become a major-league basketball player, planned to go on and win the Superbowl and get his name engraved on the World Cup. This, unfortunately, never happened. Instead, behemoth had devoted his life to grammar and set a goal to one day set up an actual, organized language. He had taught this great language to his closest friends and family, and would one day spread it worldwide. This language was called American. Many would try to change it, or even stop it entirely by giving it snobby accents and refusing to learn it.
Behemoth would spend so many hours disfarbulating that eventually his words took physical form, and eventually became planetary, and merged with leviathan’s menstrual blood. The blood was dubbed the sea, which the leviathan would rule, and the better stuff was called the land, which the behemoth would rule. From the land came all the good stuff, like animals and Stephen Colbert. Leviathan was hella jealous.
[edit] Musical Career
At an early age the behemoth had an interest in music. After coming to terms with being born too late to be a part of the New Age movement, a massive oil spill during an erotic bathing session left him with permanent facial markings, inspiring him to invent black metal. Eight years and several vacant live gigs later, he branched out by incorporating other musical styles including Belgian folk, medieval polka, progressive hip-hop, and rainforest ambience, creating the genre we know as death metal. His most recent album, "The A-pop-nazi" , sold 7.4 copies in Poland alone.
[edit] Leviathan Vs. Behemoth
For no article, see Leviathan versus Behemoth
[edit] Current Life
Nowadays, Behemoth is just out there in the world being, well, big. Also, he is inspiration for the death/black metal band of the same name, Behemoth. Lead singer Nergal started the band when he was young, and they have been slaying people with their killer songs since their creation. Their newest album is beautiful...incase you wanted to know. As for Nergal, he also has a part time job working at McDonald's. Orion spends his nights as a gigolo, satisfying female fans in the back room of the bus (a common term for these sessions is "interviews"). Seth, a "session appearance", can be found lounging around, doing shots and singing 80's metal for kicks. Inferno can be found playing video games and tapping on random things and people in a rhythmic fashion. Of course they always make time to sacrifice babies and worship Satan, as is proper.
