Beijing Billion
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Beijing Billion (Chinese: 北京十亿) are a Major League Bloodbath team based in Beijing, China. They currently play in the “Inbred” Eastern Division of the Old World League.
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Old World League
The Beijing Billion are one of the oldest teams currently playing in the Major League, having over 3,000 years of history.
The Billion began its franchise in 1600 BCE in Anyang, China as an independent Bloodbath club, the Anyang Salesmen (安陽商人). It would be the first team in a national Chinese Bloodbath League that would expand to include the Tibet Lamas (西藏喇嘛) and the Shanghai Xiao-Long-Bao (上海小籠包). The Salesmen came under new management in 221 BCE as media mogul Qin Shi Huang (秦始皇) bought out the team, along with numerous other CBL teams. Qin subsequently moved the large, consolidated team to Chang’an as the Chang’an Huangdis (長安皇帝). This move was faced with extreme resistance from the locals, who regarded the move as despotic and legalistic.
In 202 BCE, after much rioting, Chang’an locals led by Detective Liu Bang (劉邦) successfuly found and convicted Qin for tax evasion and accounting fraud. As a reward, Liu won 5 billion yuan in compensation, which he used to buy the team with himself as its head. Liu’s next move would be to rename the team the Chang’an Chinese (長安漢人), and enter the team into the Old World League, where it would compete in the Eastern Division with teams such as the Vietnam Cong and the Seoul Kias.
In 220 CE, due to managerial disputes, the Chinese were withdrawn from the Old World League and split into three teams. This period in Bloodbath history would forever be immortalized (though never recounted accurately) in countless soap operas, plays, musicals, TV specials, and video games such as the classic sports game Dynasty Warriors.
In 618, Tang Silk Corporation CEO Li Yuan (李淵) bought out a majority of the CBL teams at the time, and restored the Chang’an OWLB franchise. As General Manager, Li renamed the team the Chang’an Tang Silkworms (長安唐絲蟲) after his own company, possibly marking one of the first cases of explicit corporate sponsorship in Bloodbath history. Despite initial acclaim, stockholders eventually grew dissatisfied with the corporate leadership. This was due to numerous factors, including the fact that silk was neither good merchandising nor good uniform material.
In 960, the team’s Board of Directors withdrew from Tang Silk Co. sponsorship, and appointed Zhao Kuangyin (趙匡胤) as General Manager. Zhao then moved the team to Kaifeng (開封) as the Kaifeng Song Dynastics (開封宋朝代) and appointed Adam Feldman (艾田) as Financial Manager. Under Zhao's managerial genius and Feldman's accounting finesse, the Dynastics were able to restore the team to its former glory as the Chang'an Chinese.
In 1279, the powerhouse Dynastics played the Mongol Horde in the Old World Series after an undefeated season. Unfortunately, the Horde was much too powerful, and the Dynastics suffered a crushing defeat that signaled a rapid fall in popularity. Kaifeng fans across China threw their support to the Horde, and the Dynastics would never again see victory for nearly a century. This was known as the “Curse of the Songbino” to loyal Dynastic fans.
In the early 1360s, Dynastic shortstop and star batter Zhu Yuanzhang (朱元璋) began a resurgence that would signal the return of the team to popular support in China. The resurgence culminated in the 1368 season, where the Dynastics would once again play the Horde in the Old World Series. The Horde, already on its decline, was handily defeated. In celebration, Zhu retired from the sport of bloodbath, but was offered a position as General Manager. Zhu happily accepted, and moved the team to Beijing, where it remains today, as the Beijing Ming Dynastics (北京明朝代).
In 1492, the Ming Dynastics would become a founding member of the Major League.
[edit] Major League
With Zhu’s retirement, the Dynastics returned to a state of mediocrity. In 1644, the Aisin Gioro Conglomorate of northeastern China, led by CEO Nurhaci, bought out the Dynastics. They renamed the team the Beijing Manchus, and replaced team members and management alike with northeastern Chinese. The newly reformed team would go on to play the London Imperials and Paris Égalité in inter-division friendly matches. However, most people in China rejected this move, and withdrew much of their support.
New competition came in two forms. The Manchus’ defeat by the Imperials somehow (under-the-table deals involving heroin are suspected to be involved) led to the creation of the minor league Hong Kong Industrials (香港工廠) (now the major league Guangzhou Industrials). Second, a disaffected faction in Nanjing, led by first baseman and super-batter Hong Xiuquan (洪秀全), organized a new team in opposition to the Manchus, the Nanjing Sons of Heaven (南京天子). However, the Manchus were able to defeat both these teams handily, despite being increasingly unable to compete with teams from the North and South Central divisions.
In 1911, the Manchus were defeated by Nanjing (Now the Nanjing Nationals, or 南京國民). Thus, Beijing was displaced by Nanjing as the dominant team in China. However, it would soon receive support from former Nanjing left fielder Mao Zedong, who was appointed to General Manager of the Beijing franchise in an act of desperation. Mao renamed the team the Beijing Billion, as it remains today.
A bitter rivalry emerged between Beijing and Nanjing. However a stronger rivalry between the two and the Tokyo Gameras emerged, stemming perhaps from several ethnically offensive remarks by the Japanese team. Thus in the 1945 All Star Game, Beijing made deals with Nanjing to send players to the “Allied” team, in order to defeat the opposing “Axis” team in which Tokyo represented.
Right afterwards, the rivalry escalated beyond capacity. In 1949, the Billion exacted their revenge on the Nationals, crushing them in a qualifier match. Beijing rapidly became the dominant team in China once again. In response, the Nationals were moved to Taipei as the Taipei Acers.
[edit] Today
The Beijing Billion remain one of the world’s bloodbath teams with the biggest potential to rise to dominance. The team occasionally has exhibition matches with the Delhi Atomics, the Karachi Fission, and the Tibet Lamas. Sports pundits speculate that in the near future, the Billions will be able to adequately compete with the powerhouse Washington Generals. However, the team’s main highlight is its undying rivalry with the former Nanjing team, now based in Taipei. It is very possible that a competitive bloodbath match between the two will occur in the near future.
