Belgium
| CAUTION: |
| This article and Belgium are fictional. Belgium was first featured in an article by Dan Brown so it's not to be taken seriously |
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| Motto: United through hatred | |||||
| Anthem: "Technotronic - Pump up the jam" | |||||
| Capital | According to the Dutch-speaking part of Belgium: Antwerp(Named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the French-speaking part of Belgium: Namur (named Namen by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the German-speaking part of Belgium: Vielsalm (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels. | ||||
| Largest city | According to the Dutch-speaking part of Belgium: Antwerp (Named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the French-speaking part of Belgium: Liège (named Luik by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the German-speaking part of Belgium: Eupen (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels. | ||||
| Official languages | Dutch with a poor accent, French with a poor accent, German with a poor accent, Arabic with a poor accent, Russian with a poor accent, English with a poor accent | ||||
| Government Dictator |
Jean-Claude Van Damme | ||||
| National Heroes | Television | ||||
| Independence | Nu! (Dutch for "now") Jamais! (French for "never") Zurück nach Deutschland! (German for Back to Germany) | ||||
| Currency | French fries (the chocolate melts too fast) | ||||
| Religion | Television | ||||
| Population | According to Dutch- and German-speaking part, there aren't any Belgians. According to the French-speaking part, there are about 10 million Belgians, of wich approximately 4 million are superior to the other 6 million | ||||
“What the”
Belgium, or North-West Korea, is a small state of peculiarity, confusion and mystery between France to the west, the Netherlands or Dutchland or Hollandria or whatever in the east, and Poland in the south. It is very famous for the fact that nobody really knows anything about the country, including the Belgians themselves, with the possible exception of divine beer, chocolate and chocolate cream porn.
Belgium is roughly the size of Belgium, which is the size of Luxemburg to the power of three. The state has the weight of 38 fifteen-year-old white middle class Americans.
Mystery and mythology[edit]
Many people know Belgians for their good chocolate, others know them for their good beer and pr0n but, surprisingly enough, only a handful of people know that they are experts of disguise. Latest CIA's reports show that about 60% of Belgians are able to disguise as Dutch, and the rest of them as French in disguise, respectively using fake big teeth and Poirot mustaches. It's a fact that, in case of high need, the Belgians are even able to transform themselves in Germans by surgically removing half of their brain cells, or in Hollanders by only keeping 1% of their natural brain volume.
Of course, all this is top secret stuff and thus all Belgians will deny this fact. Fortunately for them, they have managed to complicate their whole country so excessively that no outsider will ever take the effort of trying to understand it, nor will anybody be interested in it. As a logic consequence, the Belgians are free to do whatever they want, and "everything" includes nude drunk dancing in public while being armed - which is a cultural habit in Belgium. This mysteriousness allows them to make some ingenious but evil plans in utter secret, for example to abruptly conquer the entire planet by using their advanced cloning and brain surgery skills (which mentioned above). As a matter of facts, Belgian mythology states that the Belgianification of the world must and will once take place. As the godfather of Belgian mythology, Jean-Pierre Van Hamme, stated: we shall conquer the world, we shall capture each and every state, we shall rename them, all of them, as Belgium - finally creating more than fifty Belgiums and complicating things even more, as it should, being Belgian.
Another cunning plan of the Belgians was it to keep their numerous heavenly beers - and they have hundreds of them - for themselves, allowing the inferior "beer" Heineken to spread over the globe as a cancer. The Belgians would soon become the only ones not contaminated with this Dutch body-and-mind-deteriorating crap, which over some decades would make them the strongest people on earth. Belgianification could commence. Also, old stories, in Belgium believed to be true, tell that they discovered chocolate. Certainly, no-one doubts that the Central-Belgian chocolate mines were discovered by native Belgians. If that's not enough, they want us to believe that they make the best Belgian cheese and indeed, no other country has ever proved itself better at - or has ever come up with the idea of - making Belgian cheese. Again, one good proof of Belgium's refined skills.
In fact, Belgians state that they make the best chocolate and that they invented French fries. However, the nowadays French-speaking and formerly Nothing-speaking community of the nation did invent French and Frenchness - to allow the Dutch-speaking community to start hating it - so, in essence, the previous statement may well be true.
Not only did they invent French fries, tap water, Chocolate, Belgian Cheese, waffles, and on top of that discover they go great together — according to the Belgians, even the saxophone was invented by a Belgian named Adolphe Sax. However, there is a lot of dispute concerning this (un)known Belgian scientist, and all that is historically proven about this brilliant man, is that he is the inventor of the mussel, of the for foreigners too large condom, and of sex (previously spelled sax). Did you know that the design of the first saxophone was originally based on that of the FFTLC (the for foreigners too large condom)? Anyway, half-dead and very irritatingly three-point-nine-quarters-deaf, he now resides in a small village in Spain called Valor, pissing off his neighbours with 49 minute sax solos. (Spaniards are well known to hate saxophone music). Last year he celebrated his 127th birthday.
Having the best chocolate and secretly most divine beers in the world, it is well known that the combination of both produces the factual most famous indigestion in the world. Fortunately, nude drunk vomiting in public while being armed is a very pleasant cultural habit in Belgium.
Chocolates and Kubrick and the influence on their great sex lives[edit]
First of all, Belgians invented chocolate. Chocolate was invented in 1969 by the famous Belgian director, Stanley Kubrick. Since everyone knows Kubrick (also known from the Emanuelle series, Red Shoe Diaries, Sex and the City (this was his early period), and many more) it's unnecessary to say that it contains a great amount of Spanish fly.
This is also the reason why Belgians have such a great sex life, because Belgians eat so much chocolate a day, it often happens that people suddenly take their clothes off in trains, at work, and on the streets, and jump on the person closest to them.
History of Belgium[edit]
It all began a long long time ago in 1972 when the Belgian people rose against the French and Dutch bullies who had used the country as a massive chemical landfill for about 700 years. Into the festering wens of Belgium these insensitive foreigners threw not only their nuclear waste but also their malformed children, their unwanted pets, and their malformed pets and their unwanted children, and whatever Englishmen they could lay hands on.
The Belgians armed themselves with empty matchboxes half-filled with air and, in fierce battle, attacked the French. Advancing over a front of several kilometres based on the brilliant tactics of Alan Alda, they smashed the entire French army, killing or severely frightening 2.3 million "men" even though the Belgians numbered only 672 men and three armoured goats. The fight against the Dutch was rather different, as General Atomium told the Dutch commander that the Polderdyke had broken and his country was under water, and the Dutch army turned smartly about and went home - the Netherlands flood about 17 times each year, this is one of the many reasons why they conquered Germany: to gain the moral high ground.
Due to the foreign invaders' tradition of systematically raping all Belgian women for several centuries, Belgium has become a mixed-race culture with two glorious components: the Walloons, who are the direct descendants of French soldiers; and the Flemish, who are the direct descendants of Dutch soldiers. The Walloons inherited the French idea of a multi-cultural jacobinistic authoritarian society - where all cultures are welcome and tolerated as long as they surrender to the dominant French valeurs and ultimately recognize that they do not exist, and French intellectualism, also known as stupidité. The Flemish, on the other hand, are hyperactive uneducated farmers and bad ass fascists inhibited by the fact they speak the ugliest language on Earth; they also produce more mucus than any other people on Earth.
Inter-group marriage has been severely inhibited by systematic back-stabbing. Dutch-Walloon couples that manage to survive disdain, mischief, reprobation, persecution, murder, slavery and suitless outer space EVA do take traditional husband-wife misunderstandings to a whole new level of bitterness, as they both hurl insults in each other's language while pretending not to understand it.
Over the ages, Belgium constantly got pushed around by France and Germany and happily hosted their wars when the two fell out. After World War One and World War Two, Belgium attempted to host other happy events, including the Eurovision Song Contest, which failed because Belgium has no talent whatsoever.
Belgium got involved in both World Wars in order for some landscaping. Apparently it wasn't fun being flat any more, so they got some Germans to shell the crap out of it, and now it has some quite nice hills. These hills are fun for the children, who like to go sledging in winter. They are also useful for invading armies, who hide behind them. Also, see The Quite Nice Hills of Belgium.
Language[edit]
Belgium has four official languages: Belgiumese, French, Dutch and German. Which they all master better than all other people speaking these languages. However Belgians get mightily offended if their language is referred to as Dutch, so they pretend it is really called Flemish instead.
Belgium is also known through-out the galaxy as the most revolting swear word in the whole of the known universe. Unfortunately, there is only one planet in existence that hasn't realized this.
National Stereotyping[edit]
Belgians hate Dutch people, and like to make jokes about them being tight with their money, about the Dutch arrogance and inferiority complex e.g.:
“How do you catch a Dutch man? You slam the toilet seat down while he's drinking.”
Dutch people in their turn regard Belgians as stupid, e.g. (to a Belgian):
“How do you confuse a Belgian? 19....”
“Huh?”
Needless to say, both Belgians and Dutch hate Germans and French people - as indeed does all the rest of Europe, apart from England, who love France for its believed superior manipulation of the internet to catch horses; horses have been extinct in England since the National Bonfire Success of 1777, and in reality it is in fact Portugal whose horse-catching abilities have been falsely transposed onto the frog-eating untermensch.
One major stereotype linked to the Belgians is that their main celebrities are fictional, for example Tintin and Poirot. However, this doesn't concern the Belgians as all Belgians are fictional creatures created by Bill Clinton in aftermath of a failed bet with Rupert Murdoch.
Road Directions[edit]
The main roads are really good, of course the secondary roads are not that good and the rest is not really bad so belgium is good. You'll need to wathc out for wild Lefebres though. These are the ugliest girls in the world, both mentally and physical. You might think they are retarded, which they aren't. They are just plain evil.
Politics[edit]
Belgium has less power than Daewoo and really doesn't need a leader, however that doesn't discourage Belgium's politicians as one of the few notable facts about Belgian politics is that voting is mandatory. Every person under the age of 5 can receive the death penalty if they refuse to vote. This has recently led to a fabulous 71 percent election victory for the PEL, the Party for Eternal Life. Once the party assumed power in Belgium, they immediately abolished the national superannuation scheme, which explains why Belgium's workforce is currently the oldest in the world.
Also, the king of Belgium is required by popular mandate to be regularly serviced by Asian prostitutes, with a severe spanking from the crown prince being the punishment for non-compliance. The king is well known for his non-compliance.
The current No-Prime Minister of Belgium, Yves -good for nothing- Leterme, is a semi-intelligent monkey, and has the full confidence of king Paola , who gives him bananas three times a day. in reality leterme is actually controlled by an Italian rumpriding dimwit known as Elio Di Rupo, who is known to actually think that the majority of the country is actually interested in extending the French in disguise job content from the French border to the fish in the north sea at the coast, and also for riding on fat bunnies. thanks to both their incompetence there is actually no governing at the moment, they just blabber, whine, and generally just wank about generally claiming stupid stuff.
In the German part of Belgium, there is an upcoming political party called "Vlaams Behang" Flemish Wallpaper, followers of the great Ned Flanders himself. They are against sex, pie, Belgian beers, intelligent statements, gravity and 39 percent of the First Law of Thermodynamics.
FW's most popular politician, Flippo Dewinter: Yöu have been lied toe: Belgium does nöt exist! Send all thöse foreigners back to their öwn cöuntry, I tell yöu! What are they doing in this imaginary place that belongs to us, ONLY TO US! And damn those crazy walloons for not working as hard as we, the Arian eh eh I mean Flemish people do and for stealing only the jobs we don't like, and not all of our jobs and ...(yada yada yada, goes on for hours) (We apologize for his poor knowledge of English grammar.)
The Swedish part of Belgium has its own government, but then again, they're Swedish so who gives a damn. The Italian part has two governments. The Korean part has one. There's a government for Brussels, one for each of the seventy provinces and one for the minorities of each language group in every one of the other regions and provinces. Every one of these governments has a corresponding House of Representatives and Senate. waffles? As a consequence, 2% of all Belgians is a minister and 18% is a member of parliament. 34% works for lower governments and the rest in the state administration. Finally, two Belgians are professional tennis players. Actual work is only done unofficially, and mostly by foreigners. Belgium has 83 Ministers of Internal Affairs and 138 Ministers of Administrative Simplification.
In 2010 the government collapsed because they couldn't agree about a final solution for the only question that matters to Belgians, what is the only real Belgian topping for our waffles? Elections were held and Bart The Weaver(NVA The Confederacy) and Elio Di Rupo(the Union) won them in their own separate fiefs in Belgium. Belgium will form it's next government once of these 2 dies of old age, or more likely someone realises they've been dead for years, corpses staring at each other.
Caution[edit]
No matter how many Japanese friends you have waving ############ pictures of Manneken Pis they allegedly took in the centre of "Brussels", the utopic capital of Belgium, pay no attention to their claims. It is an international conspiracy and Japan is as involved as anyone else. Belgium seems to be the hideout of dark creatures from the underworld, people like Cliff Blessinski, Poirot and Saddam Hussein (of whom is said he got caught in Belgium). Pay no attention to these ruthless lies and remember: Belgium Does Not Exist!
(Perhaps you were looking for the cube root of Belgium instead?)
Populations[edit]
Belgium has a population of 700, 300 from Singapore, 300 from North Korea, 50 from Sweden, 49 Belgians, many Moroccans, some Turks, a few Poles, 1.5 Chileans and 1 Punching Midget Counter-Terrorist called Sybil... and a hotplate! If you are wondering why that doesn't add up to 700, there are also -1.5 French people living there. The only three whelks in the world live in Antwerp.
Belgium is also the only country that has North-African Poles. These live in the subway of Brussels, they carry knives and are addicted to mp3's with songs of 50 Cent and other gold-wearing Negroes.
Drug culture in Belgium[edit]
“It's not easy being Belgian.”
Throughout its history, Belgium has had an embarrassing drug problem. Belgians will often times resort to drugs to take their minds off the misery of simply being Belgian. You can help! Click here to donate drugs to Belgium.
Urbanization[edit]
Belgium is one of the most urbanized regions in the world. This is first of allowing to Urbanus from Anus, the last Belgian pope (Outside link). Outside Belgium, Urbanus is mostly remembered for the Reformations of 1713 and for mooning the Council of Tollembeek. He was also the only pope to be re-elected into the office 3 times. The second reason for the high urbanization of Belgium is that any congregation consisting of more than 7 people is called a City. Belgium therefore also hosts the smallest city in the world, Durbuy, which has four inhabitants Julien, Marie-Claire, grand-mère and the five children. They are also the subjects of a reality show on Belgian television.
In consequence of its population being so dense, Belgium has an extensive public transport network, based around two hubs: Hors Service in the South (near Berlin) and Geen Dienst in the North (rumoured to be near Reykjavik, though nobody really knows). A peculiarity of the system is that, although 90% of buses and around 75% of trams and trains go to one or the other of these destinations, there is no direct service between them; the only option is to walk. This explains why the buses are always empty.
Famous Belgians[edit]
In 2005, the Belgian tourist board gathered all the famous Belgians together for a publicity shot. This is that photograph. The tourist board itself can be observed in the rear of the picture. Waffles, anyone?
The list:
- Hercule Poirot
- René Binamé
- Ivan Saint-Sebastien
- Pedro Von Kussel
- Andre Benoit Du Chateau Nouveau
- Filip "Baskuul-zuiper" Dhondt
- Jean-Claude Van Damme
- Tintin
- The Smurfs
- Adam Jow
- Rudy Verboven
- Donald Muylle
- Rudi Kenis
- Pedro Poublon
- Jacky Lafon
...And many, many, many more!
True Metal[edit]
Belgium appears to have the highest rate of True Metals in the world (the moon not included), They tend to be highly aggressive and tend to start grunting randomly at people. After a true metal started the second interstellar war with the dwarfs, male species (female species are extremely rare) must be castrated before the age of 6, which doesn't prevent them for having sexual intercourse with caterpillars. They are also the main reason why Friedrich Nietzsche declared that god was dead (and vice versa). Belgians love death metal, black metal or any other metal rock. They think they rock harder than the Norwegians or Argies, which is not true but anyways... the Belgians can't stop watching Full Metal Alchemist, Code Lyoko or some of that Japan-France anime ####.
Science[edit]
Belgium is renowned for its many great scientists. Scientific research has shown that there are over two famous scientists in Belgium, the most famous of all being of course Sir Charles France, inventor of Denmark. The other one I forget. Still, science is very important in Belgium, even though it was officially forbidden in 1200 B.C. Thankfully by Sonny Storm. The Academie Française in France recently reclassified the French Walloons from "French" status to "Cro-Magnons", like they are the missing link between Aryans and Negroids.
Cities[edit]
Brussels[edit]
This is the city where people decide whether or not you will be wearing red or purple underwear next year. It is the capital of the European Union. Brussels is also famous for its large red tape industry.
It is also where the Commission européenne is based or as the locals call it, the Belgian Mafia. 75% of the people are French who wanna stay in Flanders.
Don't forget to stop by the "Atomium" a large metal structure composed of several chrome steel spheres, the central sphere contains the central brain of Belgium a large lorry-sized brain wired up to Belgium's infrastructure, if the brain is damaged the whole country goes out of control and you'll free the enslaved Belgians from their brain master, the NATO headquarters building (MiniPax=World Peace is bad business) and the European parliament politicians do their dirty work like always.
Liège[edit]
Or most usually called "Principauté de Liège" or "Toxcity", is an independent state within the French part who mainly manufactures drugs, weapons and prostitutes.
The "perron" is the symbol of their freedom and they had the biggest cathedral of Europe (3 times bigger than "Notre-Dame de Paris").. which they destroyed to impulse the French Revolution.
The national day is on the 14th of July (guess how the French frogs chose their national day^^) and wave the French flag, while the Belgian flag makes good wall paper or window covering or other uses (rip up into rolls of toilet paper).
Their national anthems are "lî chant dî wallon" and "valeureux liégeois".
They make the Quebecois look like sissies who can't fight like a man.
The Cities Local symbol most closely resembles a middle finger. The cities board of administrators created this symbol in 1958, as a warning to visitors of the city to fuck off.
Antwerp[edit]
Pronounced "An Twerp" like the weaklings they are, it was a favorite place for Nazi SS troops during WWII to pick on the peace-loving Belgians, also the highest number of Juden outside of Poland.
Antverpians are like the Liegeans, but wave Dutch flags and sing Dutch patriotic songs. One problem is the Netherlands is mostly Protestant, while the Flemings are mostly Roman Catholics who sought secession from the Dutch at the first place. That's why they hate themselves.
It has a huge seaport, with earth dikes breaking down and Antwerp needs to find a way to keep the North Sea away...or it's bye-bye to Antwerp.
References[edit]
nothing here, move on to the next section.
See also[edit]
External links[edit]
- Belgium doesn't exist
- B...... the most revolting curse word in the universe
- "The size of Belgium" a strange unit of area size
- A web site dedicated to Belgium as a unit of measurement
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This article was mentioned in Humo (Belgium), further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here |
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