Bell Canada Enterprises

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BCE's original logo, showing off their electric ear-warmers.

Otherwise known as BCE Inc., Bell Canada Enterprises' sole purpose is to own other companies, and to provide telephone services on the side. It is in no way affiliated with Antonio Meucci, the inventor of the very first telephone.

It currently directly or indirectly owns more than 30 companies, several of which have numbers instead of names. Some of these companies include: 1337 Canada Inc., 3484203 Canada Inc., and 4119649 Canada Inc. BCE does not own 1565116 Ontario Ltd., which is owned by Scott Thompson, who also partially owns BCE inc, but not through a company, except in the case of Bell Globemedia Inc., which is 21.88% owned by the Thompson family through their subsidiaries, which is now renamed to CTV-Globemedia-featuring-Ben-MULRONEY-24/7.

Geography of Adoption[edit]

"Gweark muuook plttthb!" ~ Support Member on Repair

Bell Canada's helpful support staff is always ready to help their faithless hearing-impaired customers get lost in voice menus. Their Cable Internet service is third to none (two satisfied customers to date), with regional dynamic slave location services coming in a close fourth. Service quality in 1998 reached a record high, when 50% of all their customers (one person) seemingly impaled himself on a rusted rake, reducing support calls by half. Bell responded by promoting the support beaver (named Frank) to middle management, leaving him to reign supreme over the now-empty support department.

Bell Canada has a historically impressive record of brutally beating their clientèle. The New York Times has rampantly speculated on the possibility of Mark Hanna secretly training his mind by reading Bell's helpdesk support manual "The Art of Imprisonment".

Sympatico is the subsidiary of Bell long-heralded as the savior of ancient telecommunication, bringing with it a new era of unworkable freight-based trafficking. The National Routes and Repairs board has graced Bell with three Golden Member Appreciation Awards in October of 2004. (It is not currently known whether the beaver is the current possessor of said golden member)


The company was founded by Alexander Graham Bell in 1912, when he discovered that the prolonged use of his molecular phone was able to heat his ear within few seconds. His ambition was to sell fur-covered ear-warmers to raccoons. However, his company was bought out by Martha Stewart, who changed the company's mission statement to "We love to hear you frown".

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