Ben & Jerry's

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Ben's brother Tom putting some weird gay hat on Jerry.

Although many people have speculated on the question, no one really knows where Ben and Jerry came from.

Theories on Ben and Jerry's origin[edit]

Theory One- Out Of The Mist[edit]

Ancient Palestoranian myths state that Tom and Jerry rose out of the mist of the Rhine during Germany's Oktoberfest in the late 1960's. Having found the ale and sweetmeets of the German festival unsatisfactory, Ben and Jerry decided to create a new type of food. It had to have 3 spiritual qualities:

  • It had to be as smooth as the mist from which they emerged.
  • It had to be as sweet as the drunken stupor one gains at Oktoberfest that allows you to forget the fat, German wench you had a quickie with.
  • It had to be packaged in a box covered in psychadelic rainbows and colors, and the names had to have something to do with either the Grateful Dead or marijuana.

Having fulfilled these 3 requirements with the help of Supply-side Jesus, Ben and Jerry prospered, gaining fame and reputation through such frozen creations as "Cherry Garcia" and "OD'd on Chocolate."

Theory Two- Creation By A Higher Power[edit]

God enjoyed this flavor after a day of smiting.

In the beginning, God created the Earth and a bunch of people. And yea, though He looked upon the Earth and saw that it was good. And, lo, He smote the infidels that criticised His Most Questionable grammar.

After a long day of smiting, God needed a nice, cool snack to help Him relax. The only current way for him to unwind was to cast the unworthy into the flaming pits of Hell, and that was beginning to get tiresome in itself. So, God crafted two sorcerers of unfathomable power that had pony tails and wore slightly tacky Hawaiian T-shirts. These sorcerers (then called Benjamin and Jeramiah) conjured Him up a mighty foodstuff that was sugar sweet yet creamy, and would make His head "feel like a piece of frozen shit" after it had been consumed in large quantities. The sorcerers were then granted assorted heavenly gifts, then cast out of Heaven after God realized how the food would affect his trim waistline if he consumed too much of it. The food was named 'ice-cream' for a perfectly good, godly reason. Don't ask why. God's ways are unfathomable and unquestionable. If you do ask why, God will smite you.

(Note: Theory Two is a perfectly valid theory and should be taught to young, impressionable kindergartners in our public schools).

And finally, why would a pair of middle-aged hippies make a profit like an evil corporation? Ben & Jerry's are $4.50 a pint! Talk about being "cheap" and they can go on and on about making their product more affordable to the masses. What a bunch of hypocrites.


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