Benicio del Toro
Benicio del Toro is believed by Old Wives to be a caveman from the past, sent to get small children who have been bad. Easily seven feet tall, and able to intone a soul-wrenching inhuman growl, Benicio del Toro stalks the streets of Suburban America, unseen by those unwilling to admit the truth.
The first Benicio del Toro sighting was four months after the UFO landing in Roswell, New Mexico where he was described by witnesses as being able to mimic human behavior such as making wisecracks and smoking cigars. Within minutes, the government issued a statement that Benicio del Toro was simply an optical illusion caused by the northern lights. It is said that del Toro blended seamlessly into the public until he was spotted again in 1989 attempting to arm wrestle James Bond and fled into the woods after being shamed by defeat.
The most recognizable feature of Benicio del Toro is his full tattoo of a normal human face. This gives him a mostly human appearance, but those who look closely can see that in fact, under a dense layer of ink, his face is completely devoid of humanity. Different sources have debated over the composition of his actual face, stating it is made of solid rock, fire-hardened papriki, or crafted entirely of Nazi Gold.
Popular Conspiracy Theories
Benicio del Toro is believed by some to be part of, or responsible for the following.
- The assassination of John Kennedy by Joe DiMaggio, who impaled him with a sharpened Yeti spine fired out of a 12th-century ballista.
- The invention of 5-pin Bowling in order to incite the United States into war with America.
- Making Traffic a terrible movie.
- Doing that thing that nobody liked, and that nobody even really wants to talk about.
- Having sex with your mom.