Butter

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“Betty Botter bought a bit of butter. But the bit of butter Betty Botter bought was a bit bitter. So Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter. And the bit of better butter Betty Botter bought was a bit better than the bit of bitta--bit--COCK!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on butter

“I can't believe it!”

~ Unknown on the fact that it's not butter. Who didn't see that one coming.

“ It's my secret ingredient... in bed!”

~ Paula Dean on butter

Butter is the bastard offspring of margarine and lard and is considered to be the best thing since sliced bread. It was first discovered (or perhaps found then gorged upon) by Paula Dean on April 8, 1826. Butter has the unique property of being a non-metallic magnet - it can attract any unwanted object to itself which explains why there is always crumbs, fluff or Paula Dean's face in your butter. This property also explains the science behind why toast will always fall butter side down. For many years alchemists have unsuccessfully tried to recreate this property. It is the sun screen of choice in American beaches.

Contents 1 Appearance 2 History 3 Butter 4 Real Butter 5 States of matter 6 Disambiguation 7 See Also

[edit] Appearance

Butter has a yellowish off-white hue and has a greasy libidinous sheen, with just a tinge of Cardiac Arrest. Chris Farley's arteries were disected and analyzed post-mortem, and, sure enough, the room began to smell of butter. A blood sample showed fat cells where there should have been red blood cells, leading some to believe this was the cause of death.

[edit] History

The Story behind butter is fascinating and possibly, for midgets, a cannibalistic tale about love, remorse, and most importantly, lemon poppyseed muffins. It all began with a feud between Joan Fabrics and Bed Bath and Beyond. The two raging franchises had been good family friends until the Corn-Cob war of 1877, when Eric Clapton and Kathy Griffin had too much to drink at a frat party. It started with a couple beers. Then they moved on to Hard Liquor, and eventually made there way to a combination of Drain-O and Cheese Whiz. They got into a heated argument about who was the first one to draw with crayons This quickly started up a formal debate monitored by a monkey in a bear suit. The two started stating there points and gained support by local businesses, but those businesses were later taken over by large scale companies, and mole people. Thus, the feud between Joan Fabrics and Bed Bath and Beyond had begun. Unknown to both companies, the cast of Happy Days were doing an inside job for the monkey in a bear suit. They were gathering information on a top secret formula for something that they called "buether,"(from the Latin root "ether" meaning Crazy Potion) that was being created by Bed Bath and Beyond, but after many bad service cell phone calls to t.v. crews across America, The word was misinterpreted and was called "butter." This "butter" was being created for the many soldiers Bed Bath and Beyond was using in the feud. It was theorized that this butter was able to increase standard man's fat tenfold. This was very useful since all feuds back then were settled by Sumo Wrestling, and occasionally, Reality Game Shows. The feud still continues today, even though butter is available to the general population.

[edit] Butter

There is no such thing as butter; this is a conspiracy popularized by Oprah as an excuse for her to eat whole sticks of butter. If you really want butter,then Tough!

[edit] Real Butter

Real butter is extracted straight from the breast of the butter beast. The Butter Beast is a viscous and deadly herbivore but its meat is a rare delicacy to the Ethiopians of Ethiopia.

Real butter, is for real men, and fat ladies.

Under no circumstances should you go near butter if you are a thin lady.

[edit] States of matter

• Butter is the solid state of the semi-common liquid olive oil.
• The gaseous state of this element has not yet been discovered.
• Bacon fat is commonly mistaken to be the masculine version of butter.
• Butter is not, and should never be attempted to used as, a sex toy. It only will invite disaster.
• The effects of butter on Mikhail Gorbachev have been well documented in the timeless Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Harlequin-romance novel classic "The Bible."
• Butter can be applied to freshly-made toast, and after doing so, it will change into buttertoast state.
• Most members of the insect family contain butter, except for the zorange, an 8-ft. cockroach that stalks in the night and rhymes with orange

[edit] Disambiguation

Butter is also the slang term for a goat.

ButterFactoryLane is an Australian Aboriginal word meaning Place of the Bitter Heart.

[edit] See Also

• Mustard
• Margarine
• Popcorn
• RAM
• Butters
• Mongoloid Butter
• I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
• Bill Cosby
• Pam
• Your Mom

v • d • e Chicken Soup for the Eyes

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