Toot braunstien is a most fearsome and ravenous grue, best known for her cameo appearance in the attic in the game Zork. She is large, even for a grue, and is capable of eating up to seven luckless adventurers in one sitting. She is highly wanted by the FBI, CIA, and basically everyone else. For this reason, the only pictures we have of her are cartoons, whether police sketches or from wanted posters. These are exceedingly popular with middle-aged women, for unknown reasons. They have spawned a variety of spinoff merchandise, including the ever-popular [toot Dress-Me-Up Paper Doll]].
Due to her many appearances on wanted posters and on milk cartons, Betty "the Grue" toot became increasingly popular with fans of all ages circa 1930. This popularity led to her being offered a bit part in Zork: The Movie as the attic grue. This helped her career in several ways: Firstly, they did many takes of the attic scene, with Betty eating a different adventurer each time. This caused her to put on some weight, and, more importantly, learn to love the easy life. Secondly, her outstanding and seductive performance as "Ravening Grue" caused many talent agents to notice her, thus propelling her to stardom. The first movie she starred in was "Minnie the Muncher", the tale of a man who falls hopelessly in love with a grue girl. They marry, but at the words "You may now kiss the bride," she eats him. It is reported that the director, a grue himself, went through 7,509 leading men before he could get the final scene just right.
In any case, this movie was only the first in a series of wildly popular shorts that Betty starred in from 1931-1938. However, most of these are now lost, because one day the director got so very angry at her, presumably for eating the gaffer, that he said, "Eat my shorts!" She did, trying at all costs to avoid extreme sarcasm. Sadly, her own short films were among them. However, we fine folks at Uncyclopedia have managed to assemble a near-complete filmography:
- Zork: The Movie
- Minnie the Muncher
- An Eating We Will Go
- Btoots's Picnic
- Poor Cindegruella
- tootin Zorkland
- No! No! A Thousand Times No! I'll Use Extreme Sarcasm! I will! I'm too young to die! Don't eat me! Pleeeeaaase! (1935)
Not much is known about her life, but certain things are known, such as she invented ranch dip. If you find that boring, may we suggest you look below:
- If you have ever played Zork, chances are she has eaten you at least once. This includes past lives, for obvious reasons.
- She was a sex symbol for quite some time, but only among middle-aged women who mistook her for Tom Cruise.
- She must not be confused with Betty Poob, who is in fact an eurg and not a grue.
- She had a boyfriend named Bimbo for some time, until she ate him. He was so called because no-one but an airhead (or another grue) would ever date a grue.
- Many people think Pudgy is a dog. This is not the case. He is in fact a series of kittens which she somewhat perversely named "Pudgy the Dog" before huffing them.
- People magazine has reported that she is feeling suicidal and may be engaged to an eurg.
- She really has a dog but his name is Humphrey or as people say it; Humphrey, the humping dog.
- Briefly Dated Josef Stalin.
Can Buying a toot braunstien Doll Help Me Get in Touch with My Inner Child?
No. Try sticking pins in it. This is a proven method of living to adulthood, especially if she is in your attic, as was stated above.