Bhagavad Gita

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This poor old lady is not in her better shape, but we wish we could trust
your swift hands to bring her back to her former glory.
We mean rewrite it!

“Oh mama! Well hellloooow cow!...”

~ Krishna on cow after two gajillion years of celibacy.
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The Sutras

NOTE: Hindus don't read it because you are most probably going to be offended.............

The Bhagavad Gita is a agram-bagram-tagram-tagram Hindu book from the Hindu epic Mein Choo Hun Na, so fucking long that it has been used by Indians to wipe their asses for ten thousand years but it still hasn't run out. Scholars cite it as a marvel of divine blessing, a godly answer to the inefficient Western invention of the toilet paper. It is said that it makes the New York telephone directory look like a post-it sticker. Most hindus prefer to read just one chapter, Kamasutra, which is renowned as THE defining work on kinky sex.

Several scholars and philosophers have tried to summarise the central teaching of the Bhagavad Gita. Scholar Shao Khan writes that the verse 11.55 is the "the essence of kinky" and defines the "white substance that is the essence of human procreation"[72]— “ He who blows me, he who fingers me, and he who fists me viciously, is free from other attachment, who is free from enmity to all creatures, and shall be nailed by me. Personally.”

Scholar Sid Vicious summarizes the Gita in several four letter words in his passionate, uninhibited style, grabbing the substance matter by the balls and shaking it till it bleeds. However, other scholars claim it ain't such a big deal because pretty much everyone who reads this shit thinks of the same four letter words, sometimes even multi-syllable words as well.

Mahatma Gandhi writes, "The object of the Gita appears to me to tell a tale. A tale of wisdom. A tale of passion. A tale of cows gang-banged by evil old men with shrivelled gonads. It is truly the leading work in inter-specie action. Word."

Quick Rundown[edit]

The book tells the tale of the super-horny 'Krishna the human penis'-famous for humping anything that moves or feels even vaguely fleshy. According to legend Krishna was insanely into doing crazy and stupid stuff and having unprotected sex. He was also into 'keeping it in the family'. These were the things that got him into trouble. Big-time.

According to legend, one night Krishna was in his mum's bed. After his thrusts had quenched her thirst and her cries of 'Jai Krishna!' (Go baby go!) had subsided, and they had both lit up smokes to enjoy the moment, she seemed in a talkative mood. Krishna, on the other hand, wanted her to shut the hell up and let him sleep. To attract his attention, she said 'You make better love than your father'. 'I know,' he says, trying to get his tone to convey his thoughts of stuff it bitch, 'sister says the same thing.' That did get her to shut up, but in the wrong way. She shut up, then she brought the house down. She told Krishna's dad to pack up, and his dad told him to pack up before he did and get the fuck out of his house for screwing his own mom.

Krishna was thus turned out of his own house, which is where he learned to 'keep his big monkey mouth shut if he ain't sucking a cock.' This is ancient wisdom indeed. To celebrate his departure, his family had a nice little orgy into the night, and he could hear them quite a ways into his solitary travel.

Now Krishna's troubles were caused by just one thing and one thing alone. He got desperately horny. He needed pussy, or any other hole to put his aching limb in. As he wandered the countryside, first he rubbed both his hands sore. This seems quite a feat, but a few thousand years can rub the lines off your palms. Desperate, he then used his magical powers to blow himself. This continued for a few thousand years more,until his mouth was sore and his cheeks were aching. Still unquenched, he decided to take the final step. He used his ultimate magic to take it up his own ass. He bonked himself crazy, and even though he managed to stem the bleeding for a thousand years by his powers, there was no stopping it for ever. Eventually, his ass just broke into two along his butt crack.

So where does the cow fit in?[edit]

As Krishna moved on, near exhaustion and death from his excessive sex drive, he chanced upon a beautiful white shape browsing in a green field. Quick as lightning, he didn't even stop to check the plumbing before he rear-ended the animal with his aching pole. The cow moo-ed out loud, terrified out of its fucking mind at the unexpected assault. But this did not deter Krishna's strokes. He literally fucked the cow to death in an hour flat. As he stood panting over the steaming carcass, he looked around. Hundreds of cows stared back at him, their eyes displaying a mixture of anticipation and dread. He smiled. And it is to this day that the 'Cow Mother' is sacred and revered in the Hindu culture. In fact, Krishna is even called "Govinda", i.e He who brings satisfaction to cows ! Go vinda Go !! Blow Linda Blow ! Oh, I meant Linga (penis) ! Blow Shiva Linga Blow !!

The rest of the story[edit]

Is some shit about some wars and stuff like that. Not important.