Big Bang
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“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, the universe exploded in a flurry of ultraviolet and electromagnetic majesty, while antimatter and matter negated another.”
~ Edgar Allan Poe on The Big Bang
“HAVE YOU SEEN THE BIG BANG?!”
~ Kevin Shannon, Irish Movie Critic on The Big Bang
Big Bang theory is attributed to Monsignor Georges Henri Joseph Édouard Lemaître. He lived from July 17, 1894 - June 20, 1966, and was a Roman Catholic Priest, who was a physicist and astronomer at the University of Leuven. One dark night in 1927, after finishing a tidy job of sex with young Tom Cruise, he came up with a theory that proposed an expanding universe, consequently the Big Bang. Another theory has that Jesus ate some bad beans one night and took a monster shit in Captain Kirk's bed and the earth was pushed out by the rectum of the messiah Obama.
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[edit] The Aftermath
The big bang wiped out the remaining populations of the already critically endangered dinosaurs of the land before time. Needless to say, the world was shocked by this pronouncement, and Monsignor Georges Henri Joseph Édouard Lemaître was consequently hanged as a result of the Cristero War currently occuring in Mexico, which many think was directly linked to Monsignor Georges Henri Joseph Édouard Lemaître theory, even though it doesn't fit the chronological order of things. These people are believed to be snorting crack. This really pissed off Captain Kirk so he put a cap in his ass.
Nevertheless, Monsignor Georges Henri Joseph Édouard Lemaître's work was carried on by Edwin Hubble, who discovered that galaxies are moving away from each other at an increasing rate, which means that sometime in the past they must have all been together. Edwin Hubble later stated that the Hubble-Humason constant of 500 km/s/Mpc, which led many to believe that Edwin Hubble was a victim of mathematiks.
[edit] Before the Big Bang
[edit] Effects of Big Bang Theory
After the Big Bang Theory became an accepted theory, there was a dramatic increase in Two and a Half Men Marathons and those that became infected with physics and intelligence. It led to the discovery of String Theory, which states that the entire universe is made of tiny versions of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. As you can see, Big Bang Theory clearly wasn't a good thing.
--MatthewDavis 00:04, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
[edit] Criticism
Sir Fred "Hoyle" Flintstone strongly opposed this theory during his entire life, proposing that milky way was never caused by the Big Bang. Instead, the universe would be in a Tantric or Steady State, in which the coitus had not yet come to an end, creating the milky way.
Others have denied this particular theory, saying that the Big Bang was caused by God lighting a fart on fire.
In his essay "Treatise on Stuff", Descartes has opposed the Bing Bang theory and has called it a misunderstanding. He claims that the concept of the Big Bang has originated from the Latin Big Bong, which explains the existence of the Universe as an illusion of the mind after an experience with a Big Bong. Thus, when we talk about the Bong as a Bang we simply immerse the mind (of the individual self) to a realm of deeper understanding. Therefore, in Descartes' own words; Cogito Ergo Sum (en. Congenital Argot Some).
Some Mongolian scientists believe that the big bang is the result of the war in Iraq. They claim to have evidence that Saddam blasted his weapons of mass destruction into space, in an attempt to hide them for UN (unique nitwits) officials. According to Mongolian simulations of the various launches, the rockets should have collided some 40 billion kilometers to the left of the fabulous land of the elves where they exploded and bended the space-time magic marker. The following calculations should prove those theories: (5*ln(1/n))^u = MCAlbert Where n stands for the number of times an elf pooped during the launch of the rockets, u for the number of chimps that piloted the rockets, and were MCALbert stands for the average grade of groovyness that Albert Einstein scored on the last poll in 1946. Unfortunately no other scientist wants to confirm this theory, because the rest of the world is ignoring Mongolia since they declared war against the gypsies.
Several other theories have been proposed as well, including the Small Bang Theory, the Moderately-sized Bang Theory, the Just-big-enough Bang Theory, the Large Whimper Theory, the Chitty-Chitty-Bang Bang Theory, the "One-a-Bang, Two-a-Bang, Three-a-Bang, Boom" Theory, the "I was Drunk" Bang, and the Box-office-flop Bang Theory, all of which had more scientific merit than the Big Bang Theory but due to decreasing popularity in science (and thus, Popular Science magazines) the Big Bang Theory became the norm partially due to its relative simplicity (everything blew up...) and partially because the movie version would be more likely to attract male teens in the 19-25 demographic. Even though the movie version was eventually scrapped (most likely due to the negative reaction films received when they left out subplots in scientific theories), scientists stayed by their initial claim due to both their stubbornness and their unwillingness to be a flip-flopper.
[edit] Trivia
- Among those created during the Big Bang include VIRON, Y2k, the phrase "Big Wang", Osama bin Laden, Saddam, and Hitler. They were formed into a boy band and preform in concerts while being nude.
