Big Bird

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Big Bird

Big Bird (Serinus maximus) in his natural environment.

Scientific Classification
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Aves
Order: Passeriformes
Family: Phourasucids
Genus: Serinus
Species: maximus
Binomial name
Serinus maximus
Linnaeus, 1758

Big Bird (Johndavios Barileos) (October 22, 1965 - October 30, 2006) is the biggest bird you'll ever see!!! Was a large sentient "Bonjing Bird," a rapacious species of carnivorous bird that supposedly died out in the Ice Age. Big Bird's species survived, and became more intelligent, learning about numbers, letters, and counting, and of course their god, abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. Amazingly, this big bird is so good in playing Pokemon and also known as the "Vergil". This bird is also in love with a alien bamboo stalk. He is the worst person in the world.

Early Life[edit]

Big Bird (born Jose Manuel Rodriguez Soto Caca) was born to Martha Bird, a former secretary and stay at home mom, and Larry Bird, a famous male model, on April 26, 1949.

Big Bird's father modeling for Nike's Summer collection.

Big Bird has 2 older siblings: Jack and Anna. Big Bird's early childhood was the perfect 1950's family setting. The mom stayed home, teaching the kids Biblical discipline and morals, while the dad went off to his 9-5 job at the bank. Everything was perfect. Until one day at school in 1957, Big Bird had a substitute teacher. She seemed fine until she started teaching the benefits of Communism. This inspired Big Bird who later went home and told his parents about the benefits of Communism. Horrified at their son's embracement of Anti-American politics, they kicked him out of the house and disowned him.

Now on his own, Big Bird traveled the Universe. In February 1958, he settled in a town called Cyanide Falls. He worked here as a janitor at a Burger King. He remained homeless until April 5, 1959 when a vampire house for girls took him in. Because he was so soft, the girls here used him as their pillow instead of vampire food.

He remained at that house until 1968 when he moved to a red light district in New York called Sesame Street.

That same monthy, PBS held a contest for most dangerous street. As Sesame Street was the winner, Big Bird was forced to be on reality TV (after many persuasion).

A Life in Review[edit]

Big turd aka big bird is known for his voluminous interpretations of Neo-bonjingism. His teachings are communism embraced by the Sesameist faction of Neo-Confusionism, but rejected outright by the traditionalist Poppyists. His writings are zealously preserved in a repository run by a small community of Avian monks in the T'aejosa (태조사; 太鳥寺) temple, located at 123 1/2 Sesame Street, New York.

In 1983, Big Bird went to China to produce a documentary called Big Bird in China, which unfortuantely for many Chinese resulted in an outbreak of Bird flu. Customs was a bit unreliable back in those days.

Big Bird was known to be a gangbanger before he joined Seaseme Streets. He waged street battles with the Muppets and was responsible for the assasination attempts on Vladmir Putin and succesfully shot Dora the Explorer point blank. He was also run over by the Cody petts edition Elmo.

The End of Big Bird's Life and Career[edit]

The gang gets ready to eat Big Bird for Thanksgiving.

Big Bird committed suicide in the early hours of the morning on October 30, 2006, after receiving tons of hate mail for the aforementioned bird flu incident. At the time he was in Tokyo, finishing the filming of the follow-up documentary Big Bird in Japan. The final few scenes had to be shot with a double; B.J. from the television show Barney and Friends was hired at the last moment (later there was some controversy due to his drug usage).

It has been suggested that the Chinese government had a hand in his death, though the police ruled it a suicide. Jon Stewart was apprehended for questioning, due to some minor evidence and his mysterious involvements in a conspiracy plot including Smoochy, but released soon after. In 2009, a duo of detectives called "Karate Duo No.1" had solved the mystery of Big Bird's death, suggesting that the hate letters were concocted by none other than the Koopalings, who had forged the hate letters and sent them to Big Bird, just so they could take over Sesame Street and encourage children watching Sesame Street to follow the Koopalings' ways. BJ was hired by the Koopalings to poison the children's minds with evil myths about how the religion of Koopa is good and the Koopalings were arrested by the Chinese government for conspiracy and first-degree murder.

"We were shocked that the Koopalings would do this," says Spongebob in a recent interview about his lover Big Bird's death. "I just hope the Koopalings don't live to take over the world and kill everyone."

These were just proven as myths, as we all know that the Cody Petts edition Elmo killed Big Bird and staged it to look like a suicide, and is now on the Lam in Fucking Austrailia.


Deleted episodes[edit]

Many deleted Sesame Street episodes that involved Big Bird's drug addictions were cut from release. However, many of these have leaked onto the internet.

"Drugs are Funny" (1970) In this episode, Big Bird teaches kids that your imagination can 'expand' when doing herion. "C is for Cookie and H is for High" (1977) Cookie Monster learns from Big Bird that dope is better than cookies (It includes a famous line by Big Bird: "I don't give a shit of those damn cookies, i only cares about my ocokies" "Big Bird and the Seven Drugs" (1986) A proposed feature film containing Big Bird having an LSD flashback to 1967, when he had the greatest time in Las Vegas. A character named Huffer would of appeared, but knowing kids might not understand the concept, and that Big Bird was fdound unconcious and puked on most of the film, slated it unreleased. "Dont put that in there! (1992) In this episode, Big Bird teaches kids what not to put in "there" and whats fine to put in "there"

Other[edit]

The Big Bird estate, managed by multimillionaire canary and cat-neutering enthusiast Tweety T. Bird, legally owns the numbers 1, 3, and 8, and the letter U, and the estate is fighting a legal battle with Elmo to own the number 2.

  • Big Bird grauduated top of his class at Harvard Law.
  • Big Bird was seen on several dates with Jennifer Lopez together with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
  • Big Bird contributes to many charities world wide, for example the "Save the Number 2 Trust Fund".
  • Big Bird is 6ft 8inches tall.
  • His favorite book is "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie", or "Master Apprentice" by Donald Trump.
  • Big Bird loves to steal pre-pubescent girls wearing a bear suit, taking the form of a famous "4Chan" character "Pedo-Bear", short for Pedophile-Bear.
  • Big Bird raped Elmo and Oscar The Grouch.
  • Big Bird was also a very proud member of the "Flaming Homosexuals Group."
  • Not even pyramids can beat Big Bird.
  • Big Bird is a high-ranking member of Elmo's evil minions.
  • Big Bird is watching you.
  • Big Bird has appeared on many occasions in Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider Movies.

Big Bird comes out of closet[edit]

After many threatening letters from AAA, Big Bird announced on December 13, 2003, that he, like Lance Bass and that other guy, is gay. It turns out that Snuffleupagus was actually a cocaine induced fantasy about his old school janitor, Hubert Humperdink. He was immediately tazed after the press conference.

See Also[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Big Bird.