Bill O'Reilly
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“Fuckin' thing SUCKS!.”
~ Bill O'Reilly on Teleprompter
“DEFINITELY. But only, only if I was getting pissed on by R Kelly.”
~ Bill O'Reilly
“Obama is biased because he's black damnit!”
~ Bill O'Reilly
“The only reason it's only me quoting on this page is because of biased liberals”
~ Bill O'Reilly
“No one else comments because no one cares about your liberal left wing comments, it's all about me!”
~ Bill O'Reilly
“In Soviet Russia Bill O'Reilly is stra---”
~ Interrupted Russian Reversal on Something about Bill O'Reilly
“You SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Cut off his mic!”
~ Bill O'Reilly still not letting anyone talk
William Ignatius Molly Morton Popeye Downey Jr. We'll Do It Live Kill "Bill" O'RLY VIII, who is better known by the professional name Bill Oh'Really or Bill-O The Clown. Born September 11th, 1949, and he finally died on July 25, 2009 at 9:35 AM, Yay! O'Reilly is one of the few people with no star sign, partly due to the 'liberal bias' found in astrology. He is a modern day version of Medusa, applicable whether in person or on TV.
O'Reilly, who describes himself as 'a self-made -faking Irish Hitler who hates Nigras more than he hates Jews, spics, womps, chinks, flips, moustachiosas, sand niggers, dykes and fig-fags', and has been known to shoot Jewish African-Americans on sight.
If you happen to be flipping through the channels and you land on the Faux News Network channel, then for God's sakes close your eyes and keep flipping or you will be turned to stone. He is not, repeat, NOT an actual news reporter, but a rambling idiot who never in his entire life uttered a single sentence that resembles truth.
An accomplished dribbler, sorry, journalist, Bill is renowned for his strictly unbiased approach to news and is famed for his ability to address the nuances and subtleties of a story without raising his voice. He is one of the greatest lovers of the French of all time. He has been described by himself as a hugely successful, well recognized and respected journalist for his show The Hypocrite Factor, also known as the O RLY Factor.
Bill O'Reilly is currently suffering from verbal diarrhea after flying with JetBlue.
According to one of O'Reilly's sources, Bill O'Reilly, His news show is #1 in the nation, even though no one watches it, and he is better than anyone else.
[edit] Early Career At ABC News
In the year of 1979, the great network news and sports god Roone Arledge made the first of several deals with Satan to bring Bill O'Reilly in to be a reporter for World News Tonight. His overly-conservative views led the network's demi-god anchor, the omnipotent Peter Jennings to loathe O'Reilly, since Jennings was a die-hard liberal. Jennings was quoted as saying "There's only room for one dickhead at this network, and I'm going to be the only one."
However, Arledge had purchased O'Reilly for life. Jennings used his power and constant threats to have the first born of Arledge slaughtered on live television, and to have Howard Cosell anchor in his place, to get Arledge to send O'Reilly where he could get easily killed. O'Reilly was sent on repeated assignments to Hell, where he interviewed Satan himself.
However, Hell barred O'Reilly after he threatened to bring one million Christians to wipe Hell off the face of the earth. Satan stated in repeated interviews that he would never forgive Roone Arledge for what he did, and got his payback when he got Arledge for all eternity in 2002. Nonetheless, Satan and Arledge have managed to patch things up since God revealed that Unitarianism was the only true religion and, thus, he was able to use O'Reilly's crusaders as a substitute for the ailing infernal plumbing system.
Afterwards, Jennings used his influence to delegate O'Reilly to doing business briefs on the network. O'Reilly would always open his briefs with the same line "I'm Bill O'Reilly, and this is a business brief, and I'm not wearing any briefs." The briefs came to an end after only one year when an apparently drunk and high O'Reilly came on air, announced that the Economy was screwed, and attempted to have sex with Barbara Walters on camera.
An extract from his 1991 album "Fucking Thing Sucks!". It's actually worse than a Sting video.
O'Reilly was finally released from his lifetime of slavery to ABC in 1987, when he was made a scapegoat in light of a botched assassination attempt of Peter Jennings in which O'Reilly rigged a camera to blow up in the face of Jennings upon Jennings' precise and correct pronunciation of the word "shit".
[edit] Reputation
Despite his medusan disability, O'Reilly is the most caring and loving man since Satan's evil twin settled down into his retirement home in Topeka, Kansas. He is also renowned in the field of political science for his scintillating wit, profound sense of courtesy, open-mindedness, fairness and a startling compassionate nature exhibited towards people of all orientations regardless of the fact that they are "niggers", "queers", "women", "liberals", "Jews", "A-rabes", "chinks" and "spics". His techniques have been described by leading news analysts Ann Coulter, Joseph Goebbels, and Lyndon LaRouche as "fair and balanced". A group of FOX Scientists have implemented a formula to ensure credibility with these mentioned statements and have found them to be undeniably fair and by the numbers.
Despite being mischievous in his childhood (Bill killed his first black man at age 2, 90,078 black men total by the time he was 23) Bill reformed and became a conservative. He won the 1984 Goebbel peace prize for helping wipe out leprosy in California by killing all lepers under the age of 7. "I still hate niggers," said Bill, "but I'm willing to help 'em if I can kill some of 'em in the process".
He is also America's foremost falafel salesman. O'Reilly's reputation recently dropped in the eyes of some after his interview with God in which he confronted God about His supposed liberal bias and demanded He step down from office.
Bill O'Reilly is also a fool. In 2003 he said he was severely attacked by the NPR reporter Terri Gross that struck O'Reilly several times with her hairspray bottle, took his wallet, and made him call her "Daddy" repeatedly on National Public Radio. Gross was according to Bill later given a detention by NPR Ombudsman Jeffrey A. Dvorkin for starting the fight.
O'Reilly takes credit for largely preventing the spread of British Roundabouts throughout the United States by declaring it a "No Spin Zone." He concocted a "boycott Frenchies" movement that encouraged right-thinking (no pun intended) Americans to not buy anything made in France. "Let me tell you I hate those frogs, them goddamn cheese-eating surrender monkeys they are." said O'Reilly while a throbbing jugular vein bulges out his neck.
He encountered some controversy in 2005, after being caught having sex with Terri Schiavo's dead corpse at the morgue in the hospital where he and other journalists were covering her story. The following night O'Reilly demanded that the Schiavo family and the liberal media apologize "for having the nerve to invade my privacy. Invading someone's privacy is disgusting and immoral".
[edit] Brokerage in Hell
After Bill's horrible and disgusting reputation as a Republican and a human being, many demons of Hell perceived transforming him into a soul-holder in Hell. Satan, currently with 41% of souls in Hell Corp., agreed to meet with the man. Dick Cheney, who holds the next largest amount of souls in Hell at 34%, was given the task of coaxing O'Reilly to meet with Hell Corp.
As Republicans who pissed off both sides on the political spectrum, the two men easily became friends on a talk show of O'Reilly's. When Cheney informed Bill of the investment opportunity in Hell, he gladly agreed. Cheney remarked that the Devil has soul investment plans for everyone, and that it was possible to only sell a portion of one's soul rather than all of it.
Bill, desiring a 100 ft. tall gold tower with orc guardians and a Death Star for air support, agreed to sell the soul of his left leg (he could no longer feel pleasure in this portion of his body). Upon his transaction, he launched an invasion of middle-Kansas, sacking the innocent farmers of the land. When US forces stepped in, O'Reilly confused them by explaining that they were acting "un-American" by stopping his Blitzkrieg. After the fear of being ridiculed as "fags" or "commies" arose, US generals stood down and returned home to think about the matter.
Bill was pleased by his new Empire carved out in middle-America, however the souls he captured on his raids were losing value. He decided to trust a friend and invested these souls, as well the soul of his right leg, in Hell Corp. Upon doing so, he owned 2.3% of the souls in Hell. He brokered numerous deals and after a time, only had one soul left in the head of his penis. He had haggled his way to great respect among the Demon, Metal-Head, and Neo-Con investors of Hell. Soon, his petty position was not enough, O'Reilly desired more.
Upon gaining a seat on the "Darkest of the Universe" board, O'Reilly schemed for power. He suddenly accused the other members of the board, including majority-soul holder Satan, of "not being evil enough". And questioned their "evilness", similar to his attacks on every American citizen for being "un-American". A parallel to his declaration that Uncle Sam was "un-American" was his manifestation that Satan had a conscience.
O'Reilly had superseded his limits and paid for his error. Satan kicked him off the board and commandeered his souls. He also confiscated the rest of Bill's soul, and returned him to his former position. O'Reilly returned to his former FAUX News position with no positive feelings due to his lacking of a soul. He feels nothing whatsoever now. If a child has a cat stuck in a tree, he will not only disregard the cat, but will sacrifice the child to the devil to possibly earn his soul back.
[edit] 2005 Phone Sex Scandal
The practice of having phone sex was pioneered by Bill O’Reilly. In the segment, Big Bird read from a transcript of the phone sex call. Disseminating words of caring sensitivity, O'Reilly instructed Ann, saying "Now, put the falafel inside you... Yeah, now purr like a kitty for me... That's it. Now, whore, paper cut your nipples off and eat them." Being the fair, balanced, and judicious man that he is, he then instructed Ann Coulter to "spread [her] sloppy joe ass cheeks so [he] could stick [his] head as far up [her] ass as humanly possible."
Unfortunately, O'Reilly's head got stuck in his own ass, which he was pretending was Ann's ass. O'Reilly remained stuck for two days as his family was visiting relatives in Vermont. Although he was in the centre of time square during this ordeal, he was essentially invisible since his body is composed 99.9% of his big head. Bob Saget, Bill's favorite fuck face bastard, guest hosted O'Reilly's show during the crisis. On taking over the show again, Bill told the story in explicit detail. He explained that this "near-death experience" had somehow inspired him deeply. The program was rebroadcast at 4 P.M., the following day for the "unfortunate children" who had to retire early the night prior.
As the result of his near death experience, he began having a period from his own asshole. He started to shove tampons up his ass and he also began wearing women's panties.
Since then, O'Reilly and Coulter have gone on to produce and star in their very own, commercially successful, pornographic film, Coulter Warrior: Claiming That Ass for America. It is reportedly inspired by the real life events that preceded it. Mrs. O'Reilly, when asked about whether or not she has seen the film that has, as Roger Ebert put it, "raped the eyes of the nation," replied, "No comment."
[edit] Other Scandals
O'Reilly also became the only man to have sex with Terri Schiavo's corpse. O'Reilly was taping his show on location at the morgue of the hospital Terri passed away at. For a few minutes after the camera was off, and no one else was around, Bill took the opportunity to engage in necrophilia.
No one knew about this incident at first. However, the next day, after enjoying his rendezvous with "enlightenment", he privately spoke about the incident to Rush (I have a small penis, that's why I'm mean) Limbaugh when he stated emphatically that he will "continue trying to fuck America in the ass on television with Nancy Grace's dildo".
Unfortunately he said that in his studio without his knowledge the microphone was on. O'Reilly was nearly fired for the incident. However, as of 2007, his Fox News Show and his radio show still exist, and O'Reilly still has not apologized to the public, nor to Schiavo's family, nor to Nancy Grace.
[edit] Quotes
- Click here to read some of Bill O'Reilly's more popular quotes.
[edit] The Zero' Reilly Factor
The 0 Reilly Factor is a much respected and renowned television show, critically acclaimed for its elegant format and unbiased intellectual discourse. The show lasts 60 minutes, 57 of which O'Reilly spends reading fan mail to the camera and telling viewers he is the smartest man alive.
Also during his self-promotion segment, the multitalented O'Reilly manages to remind his viewers countless times that Fox News is the best news station since Al Jazeera. Then at the end of each show, he shoots two liberals in the knee caps. If the gun jams, he just looks sheepishly at the camera and mumbles "Frodo Lives" until they break for a commercial.
O'Reilly's continued efforts on his show to smite the liberal media and secularists provided means for his selection as a major General of the Second Civil War, or the War Against Secularism. This format has proven to be immensely popular with 403,000 viewers every night, making The O'Reilly Factor the 12th highest rated evening show after Green Acres reruns on that timeslot.
However, recently he has made the main focus of every show Natalie Holloway from Aruba. This has made many people despise his show because nobody cares about Aruba anymore. In 2006 the name of the show changed to the Aruba Factor.
Now in 2007, he is focused on the body language of clips that are going around in the news. He has a body linguist in the studio daily to analyze what people are unconsciously saying by their actions. Seriously, he does this.
O'Reilly fought with alarming success alongside Fox against secularists such as scientists, liberal terrorists, The Evil Atheist Conspiracy, and doctors. By the end of this bloody crusade, O'Reilly had rid the world of hot lesbian sex, turned back the filthy, heathen effort to cure cancer at the eleventh hour, and reinstated cholera and tetanus as primary killers of all demographics.
[edit] Sudden Death
During a walk outside he got lost and found himself in the ghetto and happened to pass Snoop Dogg. Suddenly Snoop rallied every man in the ghetto and they preceded to rape him so much so that his entire ass was ripped apart and his intestines fell out. Well actually we have no idea how he died but who cares he's dead everybody lets piss on his lawn destroy the factor set and get drunk yay happy day! Unfortunatly a clone that was placed in Ann Coulter cunt has come forward to replace him on that gay show of his, dammit he won't go away! On a side note Snoop and all of his partners in the case will not be tried.
[edit] Fun facts about Bill O'Reilly
- He hates San Francisco (this is actually true!).
- He is a douchebag. (this is actually also true!).
- Sleeps in an everlasting-oil-filled-coffin, buried beneath a countless number of king sized mattresses, atop an iceberg floating in the Atlantic River
- Despite his stern Pro-Life agenda, Bill admitted in his new book that curb-stomping defenseless black infants is one his "guiltiest pleasures."
- He played a multiple roles as all of the flying monkeys in the Wizard of OZ."
- He can sodomize 300 Spartan men at a time. And has.
- Bill O'Reilly enjoys eating cute pussies every Friday. They must be shaven, not furry. An ex-maid of the O'Reilly Ranch learned this to her cost.
- Bill O'Reilly was the first to cover the Mark Foley story. The scoop came not because of his infinite journalistic talents, but because Bill too sexually harasses young female subordinates via instant messaging. Bill O'Reilly has never forgotten "The Works".
- Bill O'Reilly does not write scripts for the Factor, nor anybody else. When asked about the seemingly directionless approach of the Factor, Bill explained: "It's my motherfuckin' show, biotch! Wha-eva, I can do what I want! You got some Jew blood in ya, boy?"
- An active member of NAMBLA.
- Also an active member of the Flat Earth Society.
- Has no idea what the fuck Dennis Miller is saying when he appears on O'Reilly's show.
- It's been rumored that "U + Ur Hand" by American singer Pink was written about him.
- Bill O'Reilly may be incredibly unintelligent, but he's GREAAAT at sexual harassment with physical abuse. No, wait. This is Uncyclopedia. Sorry..
- If Bill O'Reilly doesn't use the words "far left" in one of his segments, his head WILL explode.
- A collector of Confederate flags.
- Bill is a self-admitted fan of elevator surfing, and anal sex with strangers in elevators.
- Hates Jesus for his 'liberal bias'.
- Believes Sean Hannity to be his life-time companion. Off stage at FOX recently, the two were reportedly kissing.
- He's an ASSHOLE. No, wait. This is Uncyclopedia. Sorry.. No, wait. It doesn't matter. He's an ASSHOLE in every realm.
- Served on the board of Augusta National Golf Club until he was caught having 'carnal knowledge of a ball washer'.
- Little known fact that the Aristocrats Joke was inspired by the O'Reilly family hijinks when he was a wee laddie. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvKaXeQN9Kc&feature=related)
- Frequently dips sphincter in solution of alum and old pickle juice to preserve the tightness of his "balloon knot". In recent years the "chocolate starfish" has lost elasticity due to a high volume of traffic coming in and out of his rectal cavity.
- Favorite drinking game is called "balls on chin".
- Refuses to admit that the word fist is a noun. Insists that he has first hand knowledge that is in fact a verb.
- His head actually exploded when he interviewed fellow "sick freak" Glenn Beck. His head exploded again after his interview with Rush Limbaugh.
- Once tripped over a fact, which he immediately burned.
- Bill O'Reily likes to gaze into the mirror while he masturbates as a young mexican boy holds a mirror behind him. He then likes to report back to the J.L.A (Justice League of America) headquarters with semen in hand: "FULL IN TACT. FULL FACT."
- Masturbates to his rare collection of G.I. Joe Barbie dolls about 490,684,968,592,489,582 times a day while on the planet O'Reilly(his brain).
- Enjoys what he refers to as "low-fat strawberry-Kike-and-nigger-kiwi-swirl" Ice cream.
- Masturbates to Bill O'Reilly (and ONLY Bill O'Reilly. Although, on sundays, He will have a fantasy to masturbate to a Bill O'Reilly/Bill O'Reilly's clone(a.k.a "Clone Reilly"). Because, this is the way he was pre-programmed by FOX News.
- He hates black people. But, ironically, he loves Black-cock up his tight ass.
- -BONUS FACT- He IS after all....human. But... Still hates humanity for being human whilst he himself is human. (often referred to as: THE Bill O'Reilly Factor)
- Pre-programmed to believe in four things that are often refered to as his O'Reilly database: 1.) He is Bill O'Reilly 2.) Bill O'Reilly is NEVER wrong 3.) Even if he is wrong(which is referred to as "Liberalism") He IS ALWAYS RIGHT. 4.) This is "Fair and Balanced."
- Is the antichrist. The devil was trying to go easy on us, but the conservatives have fucked that up by being taken in by his hate-mongering ways.
- Eats poop for Thanksgiving dinner.
- He will do it live.
- Although he claims to hate everything middle eastern he really love falafel.
- He loves small children and raping babies, that's why he hates abortion.
[edit] "Far-left communist" billionaire George Soros is taking over the world theory
Bill O'Reilly's latest feat is a stunning report on the network that Antichrist George Soros has surrounded himself with. The reports on this were amazingly accurate and completely true. Critics prone to disbelieving such theories were harshly silenced with the advent of the following graphic on Bill O'Reilly's Flower Hour.
As is abundantly clear, the arrows indicate the flow of Jesons, atoms of Christian power that leftist communists like Soros have, in the past, hijacked and used for evil. Soros uses his money and political connections to acquire these Jesons, which are then channeled in arrow-shaped flows as shown.
The diagram is visually accurate. Once the Jesons have entered the mainstream media, they are beamed directly to other filthy socialists, who share the Jesons with other communists as part of a barter system that forgoes US currency, since this is their equivalent of kryptonite.
He continues to do so to this day, hoping one day to distribute enough Jesons to raise the liberal prophet Josef Stalin from his grave, with the aim that the Man of Steel will be able to crush freedom and democracy, Soros's two main pet hates. Previous attempts using Liberons were thwarted, due to the fact that the strength of said liberal atoms were only 12% of the strength of Jesons [1].
Some people have suggested an inherent and fundamental flaw in O'Reilly's term "Far Left Billionaire George Soros", but they are sadly mistaken. This is evidenced by the fact that none of these so called 'critics' have their own television shows [reference not found]. Some have been graciously allowed on the O'Reilly "Talk Louder Than" segment, but all have been drowned out by well-aimed insults from the Big Bear.
[edit] Contemporary Residence
Mr. O'Reilly, or Lilly Willy as his Mom lovingly refers to him, resides with her in suburban Fairfax, VA, just outside of D.C. When reporters, along with an angered Ann Coulter visited the residence in 2004, a funk smelling African answered the door, which was quickly slammed but not before a photographer took a picture of Lil Will O'Reilly sucking his thumb and crying in a corner wearing baby jams. Thanks to a Fox News coverup, the picture is archived until it is fitted for appropriate use, and Ann Coulter wrote another book. (History of Man, 2004:3213)
[edit] Things Bill O'Reilly considered 'noble'
- America
- America
- America
- Killing Keith Olbermann by inserting a spade up his ass.
- Killing Keith Olbermann by pointing out MSNBC cable channel is gonna go bye-bye, but Fox News Channel won't pick up his show like they singed in Glenn Beck's.
- Killing Keith Olbermann by dressing Keith up as a grandmother, and releasing John Gibson, who is known for killing and skullfucking crossdressers.
- Apple pie
- America
- All foreigners simply for making him glad he isn't one.
- Rammstein- their big single hit "America".
- Jesus Christ
- The next earthquake "God causes" on San Francisco, due to the liberal bias.
- Any combination of the above + America.
[edit] Enemies
- Bruno
- Common sense
- Social liberalism
- Feminazis
- Keith "Best Muthafucka in tha World" Olbermann
- Queef Blowbermann
- Communist Party
- The French
- Michael Savage
- Towelheads
- Homicide bombers
- Richard Dawkins
- Osama bin Laden
- Barack Obama ("...because he is only one letter away from a terrorist!")
- Michael Moore ("...never called me after our first date! Fuck him!")
- Holocaust survivors ("The Irish had suffered worse. The Jews are a bunch of pansies!")
- Gandhi ("He was un-American!")
- Jews ("...but only if they're religious. I'm not a monster.")
- Palestine
- Mexico
- Canadians
- Jon Benet Ramsey
- Jon Stewart
- Stephen Colbert
- Black People ("...I'll show them who's LOUDER. And howta talk niggaz dot now sht bout engish")
- The Underprivileged
- Hippies
- Hillary Clinton
- Democracy
- Martin Luther King Jr.
- Gays ("It gives me unbelievable pleasure, hating them the way I do. I do NOT enjoy the bat fuck insane ass sex I constantly have with my boy toy Hannity, though. It's not gay if I don't enjoy it.")
- His 4th grade English teacher
- Anyone with an education or a degree
- San Francisco
- Fairness
- Educated Opinions
- Logic
- Bart Simpson
- Nancy Pelosi
- Barney Frank
- Sean Penn
- Your mom. His back still hurts from last night, by the way.
- Any combination of the above
He has a secondary class of enemy reserved for anyone who defends the above.
[edit] Film
- Kill Bill - The Biography of Bill O'Reilly
- Old People Are Sick - Bill's porno, and his final movie where he had a heart attack during a strange way of masturbation.
[edit] References
[edit] See also
- Dennis Miller
- Homosexuality
- Lord Voldemort
- Kill Bill
- Benito Mussolini
- Ganondorf
- Jack Thompson
- Fr.Robert Levis
- Pat Robertson
- Nancy Grace
- Falafel
- Mel Gibson
- Neocon
- Pigs
- Zula Patrol
- The O'Reilly Factor theme song
- The Personification of the Penis Pt. 1
- Irish Nazis
- Cox News
- WordGirl
- Fux News
